tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51060964932360178192024-03-12T17:13:52.914-07:00Thoughts on Life as a Follower of ChristTamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.comBlogger1104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-23262725922713504972024-03-12T17:13:00.000-07:002024-03-12T17:13:21.231-07:00Don't Assume Things About What Works For Me<p> In a conversation I was a part of recently there was an assumption made that caught me off guard. I was surprised because it was over something where I never would have thought being single made a difference.</p><p>And the more I've thought about it since then, the more I've come to the conclusion that my status as a single actually has no bearing on this particular thing. It isn't part of the equation here.</p><p>The fact that it was brought up at all is a reflection of how dangerous making assumptions is and of the ways we continue to misunderstand singles in some places.</p><p>Let me start with the specific situation this relates to. A group of us were having a conversation and somehow got on the optic of kitchen size. I made a comment about my kitchen being small, not having a lot of counter space. The response I received was that it was okay that my kitchen was small because I was single.</p><p>I was just so surprised at the time that I said nothing in response. But, as I've thought about it since, I've figured out how I would respond in the future to a similar comment.</p><p>Only from the perspective of the number of people being in space does my being single matter. There's rarely more than just me in my kitchen.</p><p>But, it stops there. Whether there's one person or three people in my kitchen, the fact is that you quickly run out of counter space when you're cooking. Cooking for one person doesn't mean I don't need space for a cutting board to chop veggies or meat, somewhere to put the dishes as I use them to prep, and all the other things that take up space when you cook. That still takes up the same amount of space.</p><p>That is just an example of a situation where an assumption was made based on my status as single. In the grand scheme of things, a fairly harmless one. I was left a little bothered, but it didn't impact my life in big ways.</p><p>But, it does highlight a danger that comes with making assumptions. It's easy to make assumptions based on our limited understanding of a situation, or the first thoughts that come to mind. But, we often either don't have all the information about something or we haven't walked through the implications of the our assumption when we make it. The can be incredibly hurtful to the person we make our assumption known to.</p><p>We have to learn to change this. We have to take the time to check our assumptions before we move forward with them. And that takes time and intentionality.</p><p>To go back to the conversation that referenced this:</p><p>I know for sure that with more people more space in the kitchen is required. I cook most major holiday meals in my Mom's kitchen, which is quite a bit bigger than mine. There's definitely space to have 2 or 3 of us in in.</p><p>And, the one time that Thanksgiving dinner had to be moved to my house, it truly was a challenge to make it there. Even though the change also meant fewer people for the meal, we had slow cookers on the floor because there was no where else to put them.</p><p>So, in that conversation where I said my kitchen was small, how could things have proceeded differently without assumptions being made?</p><p>Just acknowledging that my kitchen is small. Maybe a comment that they couldn't imagine trying to cook with someone else in it. The most important part being no reference to me being singles as making it okay.</p><p>Even beyond someone's marital or family status this applies. This is just the example I have to share.</p><p>Where do you tend to make assumptions?</p><p>How can you do a better job of checking them before you state a potentially hurtful assumption?</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-65339042724702459682024-03-05T18:46:00.000-08:002024-03-05T18:46:12.999-08:00Don't Force Me to Share in a Group<p> In our desire to develop community and get to know each other at more than a surface-level, I think we sometimes put people in an uncomfortable, often terrifying, situation. As we try to get this to happen, we can put people in a position where they feel forced to share more than they are really comfortable with sharing.</p><p>My guess is that we don't do this on purpose. It's not our plan. We're simply trying to create a way for our time together that gives every space to share.</p><p>Our default is often to go to some sort of "everyone has 2-3 minutes to share where they're at as go around the group."</p><p>Cue a wide range of emotional responses, from completely okay with that to terrified and looking for a way to leave before your turn comes. Instead of creating the connection hoped for by it, some people are instantly disconnected and may not ever return to the group.</p><p>Even for those who stay and who return, it can create have the opposite effect of creating more disconnection. Now there are things about them "out there" with that group that they're either afraid will be used against them in the future, or that they feel they have to continue to live up to forever. The forced sharing has had the effect of making them feel like they have to live up to a certain thing they shared, even if it's not true all the time.</p><p>Unless the group has been together for a long time and this type of sharing already occurs naturally, I don't think this is the best way to create what is being sought. If people are already doing it on their own, then a more formal and structured time of sharing can be beneficial - when used occasionally. </p><p>But, if the group is newer or that level of sharing hasn't occurred before, you can do a lot of harm to the forming of the group when people are in a position where they feel forced to share things they're not ready to with that group.</p><p>There's a few things to consider with what, how, and when people share personal things with a group:</p><p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Trust to share personal things is earned over time. If you push this too soon, you drive people away. And, people's experience will inform when they will trust. The timing looks different for everyone and we have to allow space for that.</li><li>Going too deep too soon can create a false sense of knowing each other.</li><li>If someone feels forced to share before they're ready to, you can actually cause trauma for them. This relates to a lot of what I wrote about in my series of posts on spiritual trauma in fall 2023 (you can find those posts <a href="https://tamarapeters.blogspot.com/search/label/spiritual%20trauma">here</a>). It's one of the ways that the church can do damage to people.</li></ol><p></p><p>So, what do we do instead?</p><p>We start by creating a safe space for people to begin with trusting with very small things. Make the group a safe place to admit you had a bad day or celebrate something - with no need for a lot of details to be shared.</p><p>Over time, you can slowly go deeper by asking questions that prompt a deeper discussion. Not a place where everyone has to share, but questions that invite people to participate and share as much or as little as they are comfortable with.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-59682703289468876072024-02-20T20:33:00.000-08:002024-02-20T20:33:41.804-08:00Being "The Single Person" at a Wedding<p>Thinking about it a little more, a better title for this post may be <i>Being "The <u>Older</u> Single Person"</i> at a wedding. But, that just seems a bit awkward . . .</p><p>In the last year, I've been to a handful of weddings again. After many years of not having any, it seems that weddings have been more frequent again. The difference being, I'm not going as part of the group of single friends of the bride and/or groom (with one exception). I'm going, often, as the only single person over the age of 30 at the wedding. And, I'm discovering that makes a difference.</p><p>People expect there to be young adults at a wedding that are single. And, some of the things that have traditionally been a part of weddings for those who are single are still fun at that point.</p><p>But, as an older single adult, things are different. And, I'm grateful that some of those things haven't been part of recent weddings. Being called out as single at a wedding isn't fun at this point, so seeing those traditions left behind is a relief. </p><p>I'm happy to see no bouquet tosses to the single women in attendance, or garter tosses to the single men. I'm just going to say it: those suck at my age, because it never fails that some well-meaning person at the wedding will make a big deal about the older single adult at the wedding getting up there, whether they want to or not.</p><p>Because a wedding is about two people coming together, they are often filled with unspoken and unacknowledged assumptions that make sense for those coming with a partner.</p><p>I've written about this before in other settings, but even in how seating is set up in even numbers is a challenge. When things are rigidly set up in even numbers, there isn't a space for the older single adult who comes to the wedding. They are seated with the young adults, or, maybe even worse, they're treated as the strange family member or friend, and left basically alone.</p><p>Thankfully in the weddings this last year, I've been seated with other friends in the room - even if it made the tables an odd number of people. It makes it easier to feel like you belong, at least a little bit, in a space focused on couples.</p><p>The other thing that I've noticed is challenging to navigate is a dance at a wedding. Depending on how this is done, it can be incredibly isolating for the older single adults in attendance - especially if they like to dance. </p><p>It's one thing to dance with your friends - whether single or married - when you're a young adult. But, something changes when you're older and still single. There's not the same options of those to dance with in the group. Many couples will dance only with each other.</p><p>A thing I'm noticing is having some sort of a dance lesson as part of the dance. Can I just be honest and say that, unless this is done very carefully, it's a part of the wedding celebration that calls out those who are single and isolates them completely. If the dance is a partner dance, the older single adult is sitting on the sidelines - almost always by themselves - feeling like they don't actually belong in the space.</p><p>At one of these recent weddings, I experienced the dance and dance lesson happening in a very welcoming way for everyone there. It was a wedding for a friend who was single longer and we talked on many occasions on how to navigate life, church, family, and any other aspect of life as a single adult often. Somehow, this friend structured the dance lesson and subsequent dance in such a way that everyone was able to participate and enjoy the dancing. Maybe it helped that there were many more older single adults at this wedding than some others . . .</p><p>But, I wonder if being intentional about not inviting people to grab their partner to start the dance lesson can help. Maybe mixing in a large number of line dances, group dance songs . . . places to include everyone, even if they came to the wedding alone, in the dancing.</p><p>There are some areas of life that are more challenging to navigate as a single adult. And weddings can definitely be one of them.</p><p>I don't have solutions to all the challenges or prescriptions for how things should be done, but maybe we can have a conversation. Maybe as we have the conversation, we can learn and grow together.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-66221891009388745012024-02-06T20:33:00.000-08:002024-02-06T20:33:51.859-08:00Seeing Single Adults in the Church<p> Since I wrote my <a href="https://tamarapeters.blogspot.com/2024/01/when-you-feel-unseen.html">last post</a> I've been thinking about how we can do a better job including everyone in something that seems like it should be simple. But, in reality, it's not that easy.</p><p>I received a message after my last post asking if what I wrote meant I was saying that singles should have been one of the days' prayer prompts. The answer is yes. That signals single adults, are see seen, valued, and supported.</p><p>As I say that, I can picture some of cringing; others a little confused. Cringing because you've experienced singles being mentioned in any way in the church negatively and you don't want that to happen again. Confused because you don't know how that would be done.</p><p>The concern is valued. As a church, we haven't always handled singleness well. In fact, we've done, usually unintentionally, some very hurtful things when it comes to single adults in the church. So, the thought of bringing it up this way is scary. It feels like a set up for hurt . . . again. I feel that, even as I write this.</p><p>But, we have to take the chance, because we can't continue to fail to even mention this growing segment of our churches. If we're going to learn to do this well, we have to start with learning to do it all. As we learn, we need to do it by including the voices of single adults. Invite them into the conversation and let them lead in helpful directions.</p><p>As we learn to see and intentionally include single adults, there are two extremes we must avoid. Both are part of the unhelpful ways single adults in the church have been seen when they are mentioned.</p><p>The first unhelpful thing to avoid is to make an assumption that have lots of "extra" time for things and should fill whatever "holes" exist in church ministries. I've heard more people than I could count tell me I should step up to fill a need for volunteers <i>"because you're single and have more time" </i> - even if it's something where I know my involvement would not help the need. In every case, the words have been said by someone who has no idea what my life is filled with.</p><p>While I may have a bit more flexibility in when I do things, I don't somehow have more time. After work, I am the only one to handle all the household tasks, vehicle maintenance, grocery shopping. And I still have a family I love and help. Then, there's the ministry things I have said yes to that I know I should be doing. I'm not sitting at home every evening just wondering what I should do with my time.</p><p>The second thing we must avoid is disqualifying single adults from leading or serving in specific areas just because they're single. I haven't personally experienced this, but I know some how have. Obviously, someone who has never been married probably shouldn't be leading a marriage course, but most for everything else marital status shouldn't matter. It we're going to see and value the single adults in our churches, we can't use their marital status to disqualify them.</p><p>So, how do I wrap this up?</p><p>A few things to move us forward:</p><p>1. Start talking specifically about single adults in our churches. Invite single adults to be a part of how that is communicated.</p><p>2. Avoid making assumptions about the life of single adults. Take time to get to know them as people.</p><p>3. Learn how to journey together and learn from each other. We won't do this perfectly, but we have to start somewhere if things are going to change.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-7626015564159207492024-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:002024-01-31T20:37:02.788-08:00When You Feel Unseen<p> Have you ever had an experience where you felt unseen? An experience where it seemed like you weren't noticed even though you were right there?</p><p>It's quite possible that we've all had those experiences. We've all had the experience of feeling invisible even though we were in the same space.</p><p>Sometimes this not noticing is intentional. Someone or a group are intentionally choosing to ignore us and leave us out. </p><p>But, I would guess that a lot of the time, maybe even most of the time, it's completely unintentional. The other people weren't specifically choosing not to see you, and they would be genuinely chocked and sorry if it was pointed out to them.</p><p>Unfortunately, as a single adult in the church this seems to happen often. In the focus on supporting and strengthening marriages in a culture where marriage is under attack, single adults aren't often mentioned. And then they are, it's for single parents and those healing from divorce. That leaves a growing segment of the population in churches never mentioned or acknowledged. I don't believe this is intentional, but it is what's happening.</p><p>I was reminded of this just recently during a focused time of prayer in my church. Daily prayer prompts were sent out to all who wanted to participate. I watched the groups of people to pray for each day come to my inbox . . . kids, youth, seniors, college/university students, marriages.</p><p>After seeing all of those come, I waited to see if another would come that was for the segment of the church I fit into was going to come. But, it never did come. </p><p>We moved on to praying for other things.</p><p>Every single prayer prompt that landed in my inbox was important. All of them were things I was happy to be reminded to pray for.</p><p>But, there was still a bit of a sting. I felt unseen in the prayer prompts. While not intentional, those prayer prompts, once again, pushed single adults to the sidelines. Unless you also fit into the categories of seniors or a college/university student, there was no mention of you.</p><p>I don't believe this was intentional. I've written before about the western evangelical church's under-developed theology of singleness (although I'm seeing more good resources written in the recent years) and I think this is a result of that. We've focused on marriage and the value placed on God's standards for marriage - which we've needed to - to the exclusion of other adult realities. Because of that, we don't know how to include single adults in our prayer prompts. In doing so, we've lost sight of a growing segment of those who make up our churches.</p><p>Maybe you're reading this, and it's something you'd never thought about before. Or maybe you're reading this and nodding along with what I've written, because you've been in this same space before.</p><p>How so we respond when we feel unseen? Whether for these reasons or others.</p><p>First, I think we have to start with reminding ourselves that we can't assume it's intentional. More than likely, it's a unintentional.</p><p>Second, don't shove down the sting of it. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge what's going on for you.</p><p>Finally, we need to speak up. We need to say something. Don't stay quiet. We need the healthy conversations that come from saying something.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-49770244028430324732024-01-23T18:43:00.000-08:002024-01-23T18:43:19.035-08:00A God Who Abundantly Provides<p> Do you struggle to trust God to provide for your needs?</p><p>Do you worry you won't have what you think you need if you leave it all to God?</p><p>It's probably safe to say that we all struggle with this at least sometimes. We're human and we don't always trust God perfectly. It's hard.</p><p>I've been reading in <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+6&version=NIV">John 6</a> recently and as I did, I was struck by the way provision from God was portrayed.</p><p>This chapter starts with the familiar story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with five loaves and two fish. We talk lots about how the small amount of food miraculously fed everyone.</p><p>But, I was struck by the words of verse 13 this time:</p><p></p><blockquote>"So they gathered up the pieces and filled twelve baskets with the pieces left from the five barley loaves."</blockquote><p></p><p>Not only were all the people fed and satisfied, but there was an abundance of leftovers. Jesus didn't provide just enough barely for people to not be hungry. Everyone had their fill and there were still leftovers.</p><p>A little later in the same chapter, Jesus says these words:</p><p></p><blockquote>"I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to Me will never be hungry and whoever believes in Me will never be thirsty." (verse 35)</blockquote><p></p><p>In these words, Jesus is offering to satisfy all the needs of the people; they just have to trust Him.</p><p>It all sounds so simple, but it's so much more difficult to live.</p><p>Why do we struggle with this?</p><p>I think it comes down to what we're looking for. We often have a pre-decided picture of what we need. We're looking only for that, and, in doing so, we miss out on everything else God may be doing to provide.</p><p>The disciples in the feeding of the 5,000 almost did. They saw only the cost of feeding everyone (verse 7) and the meager offering available (verse 9). The situation seemed impossible for them to solve. Their solution was to send the people away to find food for themselves.</p><p>But, Jesus had a different plan in mind. Jesus revealed God as the One who provides for our needs in abundance. But, the disciples had to look beyond what they expected to see it. They had to be willing to see differently.</p><p>I wonder if we need to be willing to hold our idea of what God's provision looks like with open hands. If we need to be willing to see God's abundant provision outside what we think it should look like.</p><p>Where do you need God to provide?</p><p>Are you struggling to trust Him?</p><p>Have you pre-decided what God's provision has to look like?</p><p>Are you willing to let that go?</p><p>How can you practice being open to God's provision looking different than you thought it would?</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-85796021899371530412024-01-09T18:51:00.000-08:002024-01-09T18:51:55.101-08:00Seeing People as God Sees Them<p> What do you see when you past an unhoused person in your community?</p><p>Who do you see in the people involved in the drug deal you saw happen across the parking lot?</p><p>Do you try to ignore or walk more quickly past the person doing drugs on the sidewalk?</p><p>How do you react when someone whose behaviour doesn't fall in the boxes of what's normal walks into the space you are in?</p><p>I've had a few conversations recently that made me think about questions like these. They're not easy questions to think about or answer.</p><p>We all have an initial reaction. And I would guess that for most of us, it's a pretty judgemental response. Even as someone who works at an organization where we interact with those who are unhoused, people struggling with addiction and mental health challenges, and those whose lives don't fall within society's norms, I can be pretty quickly judgemental of what I see.</p><p>But, God is gracious enough to remind me that every person I see, no matter what their life looks like has value and is loved and is far more than what others see.</p><p>He reminds me as I hand a cheque to someone I grew up with, knowing they're going to go straight to the cheque-cashing place down the block to cash it to buy drugs. The money belongs to this person, so I have to give it to them. As I do, I remember how they found the humor and made everyone laugh all the time growing up.</p><p>God reminds me as I run into someone else I grew up with and they thank me for how I handled our last interaction. The last time I saw them they were very drunk and stumbling. I didn't push them away; instead, I wrapped my arms around them in a hug as they fell towards me. They didn't remember our conversation from that day, but they remembered that I put my plans aside and grabbed a couple coffees and sat with them while we waited for a safe ride home for them.</p><p>I didn't see in the moment of these situations how God was gracious to me in them. If you'd asked me at the time, I would have told you that I wished they hadn't happened. But, in the last few years, I've become incredibly grateful for these interactions, because they've taught me a life-changing lesson.</p><p>Genesis 1:26-27 says:</p><p></p><blockquote>"Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness' . . .So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them."</blockquote><p></p><p>All of humanity is created in the image of God. It's part of our DNA. It's part of who we are.</p><p>The fall has buried that. It's difficult to see in probably most of the people you see on a daily basis. But it changes everything when we remember that.</p><p>These two people I grew up with were created in the image of God and they're loved by God.</p><p>The person who is unhoused is created in the image of God and they're loved by God.</p><p>The people involved in the drug deal are created in the image of God and they're loved by God.</p><p>The person struggling with addiction is created in the image of God and they're loved by God.</p><p>The person whose behaviour doesn't fit in is created in the image of God and they're loved by God.</p><p>When I remind myself that every single person I see in a day is created in the image of God and loved by God, it changes my thoughts and, as a result, it changes my actions. I don't look at certain people with disgust; I see them with compassion and love, as people who are worthy of respect simply because they're people created in the image of God and loved by God. I no longer wish harsh realities or death on people.</p><p>Instead of seeing the things that are easy to judge people for, I begin to look for glimpses of who God created them to be and call them out in them- even as they struggle and circumstances may not change.</p><p>So, I leave you with the question I'm continuing to wrestle with: How would you see and treat people, who you normally judge, differently if you reminded yourself that everyone is created in the image of God and loved by God?</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-46239408746565245142024-01-02T19:33:00.000-08:002024-01-02T19:33:50.273-08:00Sharing the Other Perspective<p> I had a brief conversation with a friend recently that made me realize the need to explain things where the perspective is different. It wasn't about anything that would have a huge impact on someone's life, but it was still important.</p><p>We were talking about going to a movie. My friend made the comment that you didn't really need to book movie tickets together, because you would be watching a movie, not talking anyways. In theory, that's true. But, there's also something I realized in the moment that made her experience of going to the movies different than mine.</p><p>She made the comment under the assumption that was going with her husband, and meeting others at the movie was a nice, but not necessary thing. Not a spoken assumption, or even one she was necessarily aware of. I had a choice in that moment: I could say nothing and let it be, or I could help her see it from my perspective. This was a good friend, so I decided to say something in that conversation.</p><p>As a single person, I want to book and purchase the movie tickets together, so that we're sitting together. Even though we're not talking during the movie, it matters that I'm sitting with people I know if we talked about going to the movie together. If I book my ticket on my own, I'll likely be sitting completely alone for movie; whereas, for my friend, she's sitting with her husband.</p><p>I'm not opposed to or afraid of going to things by myself. I do it a lot. But, when I talk about doing things with someone, I want to actually sit with them. Sitting alone in a movie theater, even knowing I have friends in the theater, doesn't quite feel like what the plan was, and it can make me feel on the outside again.</p><p>I share this experience, not to talk about going to the movies, or about going to things alone. I share it to highlight how easily we can misunderstand people and take offense it we're not willing to dig deeper.</p><p>I could have said nothing and let my feelings of not being understood fester, but that wouldn't have helped me or my friend. It likely would have damaged our friendship, at least for a bit.</p><p>By saying something, our friendship gained more understanding of each other instead. I didn't belabour the point. I simply stated it and we moved on, but it was an important couple of minutes.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-58759683512149164112023-12-28T20:47:00.000-08:002023-12-28T20:47:56.438-08:00Faithful & Disappointed<p> Sometimes it's easy to rush past the first chapter of Luke to get to the "Christmas story," but I've discovered some amazing things in <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+1%3A1-25&version=NIV">Luke 1:1-25</a> as I've spent time there first. The story of Zechariah & Elizabeth, & the miraculous birth that would also be their story.</p><p>Zechariah & Elizabeth were both descendants of priests. At the time of what is written in Luke 1, Zechariah's division of priests was on duty at the temple.</p><p>Luke 1:6-7 says this about them:</p><p></p><blockquote>"Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commands and decrees blamelessly. But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old."</blockquote><p></p><p>In a couple of verses, Luke gets right to the heart of who Zechariah & Elizabeth are. After a little biographical information, we hear about their faithfulness to God and their biggest struggle.</p><p>Zechariah & Elizabeth were faithful to God. They served and obeyed Him. And they did all of this while also being disappointed. It was very hard that Elizabeth had been unable to conceive in their culture.</p><p>Faithful and disappointed.</p><p>Those words don't seem to go together at first glance, but I think they're apt descriptors of how many of us live. We're doing our best to be faithful to God, yet there's something that we're still waiting and hoping for - something we're disappointed about.</p><p>We continue on faithfully following God, but there's something we keep wondering if it will ever happen. We struggle to hold onto hope about it, because circumstances say it's probably not possible now. So our faithfulness is tinged with disappointment.</p><p>A few verses later, we see God show up in Zechariah's disappointment. It's not so much about what he was told would happen - although it's amazing - as it is about what the angel said to him first that I want to pay attention to.</p><p></p><blockquote>"But the angel said to him, 'Do not be afraid Zechariah; your prayer has been heard'." (Luke 1:13a)</blockquote><p></p><p>It's so often the case that when we're disappointed, we begin to fear that God isn't hearing our prayers. The angel reminds Zechariah that God has heard his prayers. That he doesn't have to fear or wonder if God has heard him.</p><p>Where are you wrestling with disappointment in your life?</p><p>How can you continually be faithful to God, even in the midst of your disappointment?</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-5194170714804777222023-12-19T20:42:00.000-08:002023-12-19T20:42:54.176-08:00"A Holly, Jolly Christmas"<p> I was listening to one of my Christmas albums as I drove home from errands a couple of days ago. The lyrics to one of the songs made me stop and think a bit. </p><p></p><blockquote><p>"Have a holly, jolly Christmas, </p><p>It's the best time of the year</p><p>Now I don't know if there'll be snow</p><p>But have a cup of cheer.</p><p>. . .</p><p>Have a holly, jolly Christmas</p><p>And in case you didn't hear</p><p>Oh, by golly</p><p>Have a holly, jolly Christmas this year."</p></blockquote><p></p><p>It's a fun song. There's nothing wrong with it, in terms of what it says.</p><p>But, as I listened, I realized this was the first time in a few years that I hadn't skipped over the song as soon as it started. A "holly, jolly Christmas" was not something I felt was possible the last few years. I was still grieving the loss of my Grandma, and Christmas was full of things that reminded me of her. Christmas was hard, and while there were really good moments, it was definitely not a "holly, jolly Christmas."</p><p>As I kept listening to the song, I started to reflect on how many of our Christmas songs are all about having a great time, about laughter, about joy. There's nothing wrong with any of that. Those are good things and the songs are good.</p><p>And we argue about whether we should wish someone a "merry Christmas" or "happy holidays" or something along those lines. But, the sentiment of what we argue about saying is all the same thing to people. They're about joy and happiness and good times.</p><p>Except that's not the reality of a lot of people. Life isn't full of joy and happiness. It's hard. It's painful. It's messy. There's family conflict, and serious illness, and loss that are part of it. And, the Christmas season doesn't remove those things or suddenly make them easier. Often, it actually makes them more difficult.</p><p>And, as I reflect on the original Christmas story, I wonder if our focus on the joy and happiness to the exclusion of everything else, is a bit misplaced. Things were not easy for God's people at the time that Jesus came. They were living under the control of the Roman empire. They lived in poverty and oppression. This is what Jesus was born into.</p><p>Yes, Mary and Joseph trusted God and moved forward with the parts He had given them in His plan. Yes, the shepherds came and worshipped and shared the news as they left. Yes, the wise men came from the faraway land with gifts to worship Jesus the King.</p><p>But, Jesus coming didn't erase the other facts of their lives. Jesus coming didn't mean that they weren't still living under the rule of the Roman empire. </p><p>Jesus entered into the pain of the people. He met them in it. We see that all through His ministry in the gospels. </p><p>And, maybe we can being to do that. We can worship in the midst of the pain and the struggle. We can see all that Jesus coming brought, without having to pretend to be happy, or that our hard circumstances don't exist.</p><p>Alongside the songs about having "a holly, jolly Christmas" we can have the lament. The cries of pain. The cries of "<a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=lyrics+for+come+thou+long+expected+jesus&rlz=1C1CHBF_enCA881CA881&oq=lyrucs+for+come+thou&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqCQgCEAAYDRiABDIGCAAQRRg5MgkIARAAGA0YgAQyCQgCEAAYDRiABDIJCAMQABgNGIAEMggIBBAAGBYYHtIBCDc4NDFqMGo3qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&si=ALGXSlb9yLV-dNlvxGPHdDS8Q6zsd5BWrBTurFWO54G1xGdFUYcrxAmXxBee3i8c-sjDNN2bmrPjg97bT9iWQ-2sdbdOAwGMv5eFwgphccfbtKc6hqQMz2MFgYHlI2fdKQehPPkVI-ztNCxdDlR5ncelYNAwUSbHr1M44rt1LISEXslN7obEO30NavD9A2XNXVV0ymTYtCBFuw-UQscGkfxWCtWHNc_6vhx7mZDvRbYQRy-6qVetr_Nn1tWPS7r2L92sEJxCHX0r_olPEAsrlj6_0EB3-Ef5wwW86zxqEbwGJAmZ1TMvyjxyNTEfUP617u3l15ddgqrXwz5R2_ofvSOCuIx_bF1wcqUsKnLXw3KDF1K45JGmyQGrH7db9oQrk_ZJcZQ8ko5dw7aLBBGtedqzCeiPxneOTElz70O0hffP07v1W0DhG5Hkg_PtLXCDIN__QlPqTWiz0hU2CMwaAatfDowvF1vasI6fOtHyPO2iax_PXSUdYhWT6Y2YJlgYt9VLal37KLiatl6_8fho3orH3D5pz9vYOeYiefBFCeo5pIDQj76jZT7EKJJFu66m77Oa5ergvckfOA3QqGk3VyCmzXB2VCLOJltsXhWrbsyyjbiogVD1h70DrU-SPP72WfiSLZFcHCqYpCV56GUnW98WOcRI_0OAh3slplgZSQyGDveurwnOjLT74QTK28GJfEqQl_BbcdlB4dQJ0EDh_bB_fC_YAVvsQGrlwNUPTVqZ6yAXAbVGNeVMTxluyVmbl046idxE4m_7-Z7ykKE5j9TLjBiJ5WP8sg3ItXBlhVuk97c9Mb7sYICi9oGkR-ErbcAGFA6sMYQm9F-dMEjeSgm8kvoPaPVkGgvQIzigFldSSGxNQVOwJx2c8sUneAY3dKjQv10LDQ_mUzMygMq_YpmGrRxF9QqLMxCihcn7KHxSsjB_AMKeqNiUXrVQR1ykq29g2u3ii6jrYluFQGU4Z-MEGif61q2nLiCj7AfK8movVQDRNzogf45Nl9uvgYm0q0jjEWJ5oS-3&ictx=1&ved=2ahUKEwjIg4PhmZ2DAxXFOTQIHY2CBL4Q_coHegQIDBAD">Come Thou Long Expected Jesus</a>." Neither one option or the other is adequate on it's own. We need them both alongside each other. </p><p>And we need to allow both the joy and lament at this time of year. It's not a merry Christmas for everyone, and that's okay. We can and should allow for all that comes with this time of year.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-33213473221450568732023-12-12T20:30:00.000-08:002023-12-12T20:30:04.679-08:00Navigating the Holiday Season Alone - Part 2<p>In my <a href="https://tamarapeters.blogspot.com/2023/12/navigating-holiday-season-alone.html">last post</a>, I wrote about being alone in the midst of this season and something God showed me through His Word. It wasn't where I was planning to go, but it was a good starting place. This post is a little bit more practical in how to navigate this season.</p><p>I'm going to start with what is arguably the most difficult part of navigating this, but I would say also the most important. It has nothing to do with the actions of others. It's all about our heart and how we choose to respond.</p><p>My first practical suggestion on how to navigate this season: assume the best of others and don't take offense. This isn't easy and it's not usually our first reaction. But it's vital.</p><p>When you don't get the invite or you get a generic invite for you and your partner, it's easy to start thinking about how insensitive people are or to assume they did it intentionally. But, that just puts us in a prison of our own making.</p><p>Start by talking to God about it when this happens. As Him to help you not be offended, to not hold onto hurt or offense.</p><p>That leads to my second suggestion: if the person is a trusted friend, take the courageous step of talking to them about it. Don't go into the conversation blaming them for it. But, be brave enough to tell them that you struggled and were by being the only one excluded. Don't tell them what they were thinking or did; tell them what your experience of it was. This can be a great opportunity for you both to understand each other better.</p><p>In the midst of it all, remember where your identity is found. It's not found in your relationship status or the number of invites you get to holiday parties. It comes from being a child of God and He loves you exactly as you are.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-5338891597865564152023-12-05T19:56:00.000-08:002023-12-05T19:56:14.642-08:00Navigating the Holiday Season Alone<p> It's the time of year where it can feel like singleness is seen as more of an issue than otherwise. There's always times and places where not having a partner feel a bit awkward, but for some reason at this time of year, it's even more so than usual.</p><p>But the season of invitations sent to "you and your partner" has begun. These invitations even come from those who know you're single.</p><p>It's the season of walking alone into holiday parties that are completely set up for couples.</p><p>Or of net even being invited to things with people you usually spend lots of time with simply because you're single.</p><p>And that means it can be a season of more alone-ness. Of more feeling on the outside. A season of the pain of exclusion or differentness, all while being told to merry and joyful.</p><p>It can be hard. There have been times when I've wanted nothing more than to turn the pages on the calendar quickly so we can get past this all and things go back to normal.</p><p>As I've wrestled through how to navigate this time of year, I was looking for practical tips and tools. I wanted a clear way to manager this without the hurt. But, that's not what I found.</p><p>Instead, I found myself drawn to the familiar Christmas story. To Mary and Joseph's experience. An unwed couple. Mary pregnant and saying it was from God. In their culture, this was absolutely scandalous. It left them on the outside - excluded.</p><p>All they could do was trust God and hold onto His promise to them.</p><p>As I reflected on this. I felt like God was reminding me that he sees and cares for the one who feels outside. Even though things didn't look like Mary and Joseph would have expected and it was hard, they weren't alone. God saw them and cared for them.</p><p>He does the same for us.</p><p>While being single during the holiday season is different than Mary and Joseph's story, the reminder that God sees us through it is valuable and important.</p><p>Whatever our situation, however we feel in it, God sees us and is with us.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-29596857964320170102023-11-28T17:57:00.000-08:002023-11-28T17:57:18.795-08:00People Are ComplexToday was a day where I got unexpected, yet somewhat expected news, about someone I grew up with. Not, the kind of news you want to get about someone and the end of their life.<div><br /></div><div>I wasn't surprised that things came to this. But, I also wasn't prepared for it to come to this.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's made me think about how people are complex beings. And that makes relationships complex things.</div><div><br /></div><div>This person had their challenges. They were hard to be with at times. Unpredictable. </div><div><br /></div><div>At the same time, underneath all the pain in their life, they had a heart of gold. They cared about the people around them, even if they had a difficult time expressing it or acting like it at times.</div><div><br /></div><div>Isn't that true of so many people?</div><div><br /></div><div>Even if there are challenges and difficulties in our relationships with them, there's often also good things in those same relationships.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm not talking about relationships where it's dangerous to be with them. That's different.</div><div><br /></div><div>But, when that's not the case, we live with these complex situations all the time.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm honestly not sure how to wrap this up today. These are the thoughts running through my mind as the reality of this news sinks in.</div>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-48956600429099074762023-11-21T19:02:00.000-08:002023-11-21T19:02:51.998-08:00Knowing People's Names Isn't Enough<p> Have you ever been in a place where you knew the name of many people in the room and you still felt alone & disconnected?</p><p>Maybe you even knew a few facts about the people - their job, if they're married, if they have kids - but you still leave that event feeling like you didn't really connect with anyone?</p><p>It's likely you know exactly what I'm talking about. You probably have your own experiences of it. It's something common to many people.</p><p>This way of living and interacting has become the norm in our culture. But, it isn't how God has designed us to live. We feel lonely and disconnected because we're missing some of the things that are vitally important to having the community we were created for.</p><p>Knowing people's names and factual information about them is not enough. We have to go beyond those surface conversations with some people. That's what we were made for that we're missing.</p><p>In our appearance and image-obsessed culture, we've sacrificed being real. We're so focused on how we appear on social media and to the strangers we pass as we run our errands, that we don't share what's really going on.</p><p>Even the "struggles" we share in our attempts to "be real" in these environments are carefully chosen. We share carefully crafted words and things that are still planned to make others think well of us.</p><p>What we're actually longing for people where we don't have to think about what we share. </p><p>We need people who will genuinely celebrate the good things in life with us. </p><p>People we can laugh so hard with that we cry or snort and we don't care.</p><p>People who will sit and cry with us.</p><p>People we can ugly cry in the same space as without worrying what they think of us.</p><p>People who will sit with in whatever is going on without giving advice or trying to fix it.</p><p>People who will ask us the hard questions and tell us the hard truth when we need it.</p><p>We've sacrificed this for surface=level conversations where we maintain our image. And we're lonelier than ever because of it.</p><p>The only solution is to take the risk and invite people into this kind of community with us. To move beyond the surface-level conversations to deeper conversations.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-58497674035028073072023-11-14T17:03:00.000-08:002023-11-14T17:03:22.460-08:00The Problem of 90s Purity Culture<p> If you grew up in church youth groups in the 90s, then the title of this post tells you a lot what I'm going to talk about today. But, for those of you who don't know, I'll start with a bit of a summary.</p><p>The 90s was when the "True Love Waits" movement. complete with signing pledge cards and purity rings was in full swing. While the message of what the Bible says about how we should love with our sexuality was well-intentioned, it was carried to an extreme that caused harm and hurt to a lot of those who grew up in it.</p><p>As part of trying to get teenagers to understand what happens when you go outside of God's plan for our sexuality, the example of pulling tape apart after you stuck it together was often use. While it is true that God has good reason for the way He instructs us to handle our sexuality in Scripture, and we can live with the consequences of our choices, that example was harmful. In many cases, it left those listening feeling like they were forever damaged and unforgivable for things they had done.</p><p>Even for those who didn't cross those lines, there was hard, although it may not have been as immediately visible until into our adult years. In all the purity culture teaching of the 90s, there was an implication that if you follow God's plan for your sexuality as a teenager, God would reward you with marriage in your early twenties and great sex in your marriage. Neither of which were a guarantee or a reality for many.</p><p>What this purity culture teaching did was create a generation of people who were brought up afraid of experiencing God's judgement. And forever wondering if you've been good enough in this area. We keep quiet about our struggles in this area out of shame and fear of judgement.</p><p>And, if we haven't stayed on the path we were taught in youth group, we struggle to believe we can be forgiven for it. We live in defeat, condemnation, and judgement of ourselves.</p><p>The only way to bring healing to the spiritual trauma in this area for many of us is to acknowledge the pain, bring it out of the secret places, and let it be witnessed. Exactly what I've written about in previous posts on the topic of spiritual trauma.</p><p>But bring this into the open isn't easy when the teaching is ingrained in you causes shame if you've stumbled or struggled in this area. There's shame and a stigma that carries over. Speaking up and sharing personally, if at all, often comes in mumbled admissions, faltering words. And how others respond can begin the healing journey or further the wounding.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-30932076047325940942023-11-07T20:25:00.002-08:002023-11-07T20:25:33.345-08:00Spiritual Bypassing<p>Today I'm talking about an example of spiritual trauma that we easily fall into. Often we don't even know we're doing this. But, we have to be aware of it, if we're going to move forward better in this.</p><p>Spiritual bypassing is probably something we've all done at times. Often not intentionally, but we've done it nonetheless. </p><p>What is spiritual bypassing?</p><p></p><blockquote>"Spiritual bypassing is a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual practices. It prevents people from acknowledging what they are feeling and distance them from both themselves and others." (<a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing-5081640" target="_blank">verywellmind.com,</a> <i>Spiritual Bypassing as a Defense Mechanism</i>)</blockquote><p></p><p>Okay, definition aside, what does it look like? How do we define it practically?</p><p>When we engage in spiritual bypassing we take very real emotions and struggles people are having and cover them with spiritual words about trusting God and praying more. Rather than acknowledging the pain of someone, we bury it in spiritual language.</p><p>Here's what makes this so hard: Trusting God in our struggles is important. Prayer is an important way of walking through the hard times in life. We actually need those things.</p><p>So, what's the problem?</p><p>The problem comes when we use those things to deny or repress what's really going on. When they're used to stop people from really feeling the emotions and acknowledging what's going on.</p><p></p><blockquote>"The denial of emotion using a similar strategy or repression and spiritual bypassing, especially when well-meaning, can leave a person feeling misunderstood and like their painful emotions need to go away for them to belong, to stay connected, and to be okay. We know well by now that emotions that go unfelt do not go away. They stay there, lingering, asking to be addressed by getting louder, which can only serve to reinforce the same pattern in some situations that come up, and again they repress and deny them." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, <i>Episode 3: Shards of Glass</i>)</blockquote><p></p><p>Because it too often becomes normal to us, we easily get stuck in patterns of spiritual bypassing. We don't even realize we're doing it.</p><p>Let me share an example from my own experience to illustrate this.</p><p>I've written here before about living with an anxiety disorder. Sometimes you wouldn't know and other times it's a more obvious struggle. In times when it's more difficult where I've chosen to share this struggle with someone, I've had <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+peter+5%3A7&version=NIV">1 Peter 5:7</a> or <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=philippians4%3A6-7&version=NIV">Philippians 4:6-</a>7 quoted to me as the solution. Or I get told I should pray more. </p><p>These are classic examples of spiritual bypassing. Not because those Scriptures aren't good to read, or prayer is unimportant. My struggle with anxiety in the moment is responded to as if it's something I'm doing wrong spiritually and it is solved by Scripture and prayer. No acknowledgement of the struggle I'm dealing with in that moment.</p><p>So, what should be do instead?</p><p>Take time to listen to what someone is saying. Care about them in that moment. Invite honesty about the emotions they're really dealing with. Don't just look for the Bible verse or spiritual practice you can throw at them. Sit in the discomfort that comes in life at times with the other person.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-86624291660951366662023-10-24T20:48:00.001-07:002023-10-24T20:48:42.260-07:00It's More than You Think<p> Maybe you're like I was when I first heard of spiritual trauma. Your mind automatically goes to the accounts of sexual abuse, of financial control, of other quite extreme and obvious examples.</p><p>But, what if I was to tell you that's often much more subtle? That it often occurs in ways that don't look like they have any issues on the surface?</p><p></p><blockquote>". . . there are these gross injustices that happen in some spiritual contexts, but all about how some communities or faiths seem to take a clear preference for personality structures. There are the obviously overt traumas, and then there are these more subtle ways of preferencing people and making other people feel inferior." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast,<i> Episode 8: Unsettling Ourselves</i>)</blockquote><p></p><p>I think we miss the prevalence of spiritual trauma and the seriousness of the problem because we relegate it to the big, horrific events. And, in doing so, we don't realize how much it happens in much smaller ways that are repeated over and over again.</p><p>At the risk of over-simplifying it, let me ask you this: How many times have you been in a church group and there is an expectation of your spiritual maturity being shown by the way you participate in the discussion or pray out loud during prayer time?</p><p>This is often unspoken. But if you're quieter in a group, you feel it. The looks from others. The silence once everyone else ahs spoken while everyone waits for you to finally pray.</p><p>The outcome of this experience for the individual depends on the supports and safe places a person has. If there are people who respect and understand the individual, then those group experiences may be little more than temporary uncomfortable moments. </p><p>But, if they happen often enough or they're the only experiences we have, they have a much bigger impact and could become a form of spiritual trauma.</p><p>If those are things that can become spiritual trauma for someone, then it's more prevalent than we may think at first. And it means, it's even more important that we work to understand it.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-66292012324114364872023-10-17T20:45:00.001-07:002023-10-17T20:45:32.672-07:00Community is Part of Healing<p> ". . . the healing of trauma cannot happen without the presence of connection." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, <i>Episode 6: Seeing & Believing</i>)</p><p>As much as people are the source of spiritual trauma, we need people in the healing of it. This isn't easy. When people have caused our pain, we want to hide and put wall up to protect ourselves.</p><p></p><blockquote>"The experience of being witnessed, as it turns out, is foundational to our ability to heal. We are relational. Our pain needs to be held tenderly as we speak truthfully about it. And whether we tell the story or not, or the people around us know what to do with this information or not, we all deserve spaces where we are felt, known, and trust that we are believed, even if we choose not to share." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast,<i> Episode 6: Seeing & Believing</i>)</blockquote><p></p><p>We don't share the story with just anyone or with everyone. We won't share the story with most people. But the community, whether inside or outside of the church, that we are surrounded with is central to healing spiritual trauma.</p><p>The pain needs to be witnessed when it is share, in whatever form that is. And, the love and support of others is needed as new ways of thinking and living are learned.</p><p>Like so much in our lives, we weren't made to and we can't get through it all on our own. We need safe people walking with us though all of it.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-25124553145018884972023-10-10T18:49:00.001-07:002023-10-10T18:49:50.033-07:00We Have to Break the Silence<p> So much of the hurt that happens in religious contexts is kept quiet. We feel like we can't or shouldn't say anything about it - often because of exactly the teachings that brought us the pain in the first place that told us we had to keep it quiet.</p><p></p><blockquote>"Our wounds, whatever they are, are made more powerful by the silence around them, voicelessness, at times the fear of disruption, or the internalized silencing of our voices being trapped by those with the most power, telling us not to trust what our pain told us. The naming of what has hurt us, is the very undoing of the cloak of invisibility that keeps the pain stuck. And this - the naming, the unveiling, the 'unsettling truth' as Mark Charles calls it - as painful as it is, this is central to how we heal our spiritual trauma." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, <i>Episode 1: The House is Haunted</i>)</blockquote><p></p><p>I think this may be the hardest part at times. Putting words to the pain. Admitting it out loud.</p><p>But it's important and needed.</p><p>And it often just affirms what our bodies are already telling us.</p><p></p><blockquote>"Our bodies always tells the truth. Even if we find a way to cover it up at first, the story always comes out - if not in our thoughts, or in our relationships, then always in our bodies." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, <i>Episode 1: The House is Haunted</i>)</blockquote><p></p><p>But, in our silence, we've also been taught to mistrust our bodies. So we ignore what they're trying to tell us.</p><p>The healing that comes when we begin to break the silence with safe people in safe places is significant.</p><p>So, the silence must be broken. We cannot continue to live in silence about the pain that many are living with.</p><p>Even if it starts with faltering words, with unclear thoughts. As the silence is broken, healing can begin.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-40505273343633040912023-10-03T18:40:00.004-07:002023-10-03T18:40:28.672-07:00What is Spiritual Trauma?<p> I think this question is the most important place we can begin. It's where I started my journey.</p><p>But it's also something that didn't have a simple definition, because there's not a clear, specific line that can be drawn. As I've discovered, what is a traumatic experience for one person may not be in the same way for someone else. And how traumatic an experience is can depend to a large degree on the support and reactions of others someone receives before, during, and after the experience.</p><p>Here is the best definition of spiritual trauma I found in my study:</p><p></p><blockquote><p>"Spiritual trauma is described as being negatively impacted by religious teachings or ideologies. Trauma may stem from the broader faith system, such as various beliefs or ideologies. Spiritual trauma can also come from an individual within your local faith-based community, such as religious leader or a small group of people." (<a href="https://insessionpsych.com/what-is-spiritual-trauma-and-how-does-it-impact-me/" target="_blank">insessionpsych.com "What is Spiritual Trauma & How Does It Impact Me?</a>")</p></blockquote><p>As I think more about this, I begin to see the ways and places that can happen without it being intentional. In our desire to live lives of faith that are honouring to God, we make things into imperatives - things we must do - to belong, to show our obedience. And we put those who don't into categories of less than as believers, or even as outsiders until they begin to live up to our imperatives.</p><p>Let me be abundantly clear: I'm not saying that Scripture doesn't have clear teaching on how we are to live. It does and we respond to God's incredible love for us by living the way His Word outlines.</p><p>But, we get it wrong when we make these teachings about how to live and keeping them completely the mark of belonging. And shame and judge and exclude those who don't. We don't earn our standing before God or His love for us; we receive it as a gift.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-63413486786119932092023-09-26T18:08:00.006-07:002023-09-26T18:08:48.318-07:00What I Spent my Summer Studying<p> Over the next while, I'm going to be taking things on here in a bit of a different direction than I've gone before. I spent the summer working to better understand what spiritual trauma is and how it impacts people. The next little bit of posts (I don't know how many yet) will be mu wrestling with and thoughts from what I've read and heard.</p><p>Before, I get too far into this topic, a few words about what is coming feel necessary. This isn't a light topic or something easy to read about or grasp. It's hard and it's heartbreaking. You can't dig in the topic of spiritual trauma without reading and hearing about immense pain, wounding, and heartbreak in people's lives.</p><p>I'm far from an expert on the topic. I have a business degree, not a counselling or psychology degree. The more I've dug into this over the summer, the less I've felt like I will ever really know or understand. While there's lots to be learned as fact, the reality is that this is about people's stories and experiences. And that means there's always nuance and layers to it. There's also different degrees of how it will be experienced by different people - what's a big deal to one person may not be a big deal to another person.</p><p>The first thing I realized as I dug into this is that it's far more prevalent than I thought. Because of the varying degrees of what is experienced and how different people respond to things, we can't say certain things are or aren't spiritual trauma. We also may not realize that the person sitting next to us in church is dealing with it. It often goes unmentioned, even unnoticed by people.</p><p>It's also quite possible that we've been on both side of the equation with this - especially if we've been in the church for a long time. We've experienced things that could fall within or close to the label of spiritual trauma. And, maybe even harder to face, we've possibly also been a part of it for someone else, often unintentionally.</p><p>So, with that, this is my invitation to join me on a journey. It will be wandering and hard sometimes, but I also believe hopeful. When we face the painful realities of what has happened to us, and around us, healing can begin.</p><p>As I write this, I'm also realizing I've very indebted to the Holy/Hurt podcast by Dr. Hillary McBride. It was one of the most accessible and real discussion I found on this topic.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-73934666582047291792023-09-12T18:56:00.005-07:002023-09-12T18:56:48.721-07:00Creating a Community that Includes All<p> As we begin a new year of Bible studies, small groups, classes, and other plans in our churches, I've been thinking a lot about how we create a community where everyone feels welcome and included. Where marital status and life circumstances don't define the only places where you belong and where you don't.</p><p>I'm not saying we shouldn't have singles' groups, divorce groups, men's & women's groups, marriage groups at all. Those are important and have a place.</p><p>But they can't be all we offer.</p><p>We need more where all the people who are part of these different groups are also living life together.</p><p>We like to talk about being the family of God, but sometimes I think we forget what that means.</p><p>If you look at an extended family, it typically includes a variety of people. Some married, some single, some kids, some without kids. But, that doesn't stop the people in that family from coming together.</p><p>If we are the family of God, then we should have all different people - of varying ages, genders, and marital statuses - mingling together. Leaning how to live life together. Learning from each other and with each other.</p><p>But, we don't always do this well. Obviously, we're naturally drawn to people whose lives look similar to ours. When lives look similar, we have easy things to connect on. It can come much easier than connecting with someone whose life looks different.</p><p>When we only connect with the people it's easy to connect with, we miss out on a richness of friendships that comes if we go beyond the obvious connections with people. We have to choose to take the time and make the space to build relationships that take work. This is the opposite of our instant society, but it's worth it.</p><p>So, all of our ministries cannot be segregated by marital status, or age, or gender. We can help these rich relationships form and make everyone feel welcome by not always labelling our small groups or activities with a marital status, gender, or age. And those who lead need to welcome and include all who come through the door.</p><p>It's that simple and that hard all at the same time.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-45172704816796878572023-09-05T20:56:00.001-07:002023-09-05T20:56:02.573-07:00What We Need to Say & Do Instead (Part 8)<p> I've spent the summer talking about things we need to stop saying. As summers draws to a close and my list of these things is all written about, I feel like it's important to take a moment to look at the other side. If we're supposed to stop saying some things, we need to have something to do or say instead. I know I wrote about that in some of the posts, but the others were more difficult.</p><p>As I wrap up this series, I'm realizing that it all comes down to actually taking time to have a real conversation and really listen to what someone is saying. So much of the time, we end up challenging situations because we're not really listening to each other.</p><p>Or, what the person is saying makes us feel uncomfortable, so we respond with a platitude hoping that will end the conversation on that topic and our discomfort with it. But, while our comment may end the discomfort, it perpetuates the pain, the struggle, and the desire to really be seen and heard by the other person.</p><p>Our culture doesn't teach us to listen well, or to engage in conversations that bring discomfort. We learn how to distract ourselves and disengage from these conversations. But, that actually is why there are so many thing we need to stop saying. We only sort of listen most of the time and get in trouble because of what we miss.</p><p>Ultimately, we need to take the time to actually pay attention to the other person in the conversation. Instead of looking for a quick response and a way out of a conversation that might be somewhat uncomfortable for us, we need to take the time to have a real conversation. To really listen. To ask questions to understand more. To care about the other person in the conversation.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-27179520113029564702023-08-31T19:41:00.000-07:002023-08-31T19:41:14.870-07:00Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 7)<p> "You won't understand because you're single or don't have kids."</p><p>These words inevitably come when someone is talking about a reality they're facing that relates to marriage or kids.</p><p>I won't argue that there are parts of the situation I may not understand because I haven't experienced it myself. But, it's like that in almost everything in life. Even if I don't completely understand everything, I can still listen, ask questions, and pray.</p><p>The ironic thing is these words are often said by people who feel they can speak into and understand my world, even though they haven't experienced things exactly the way I have. It almost comes across that because someone is married and/or has kids, they automatically have wisdom and insight into all of life, that a single person can't possibly have.</p><p>Can I be blunt for a moment?</p><p>If you got married in your twenties and had kids soon after, your experience of singleness was nothing like mine is as I enter my forties as a single person. Your experience doesn't compare. My own experience of singleness in my twenties doesn't compare to what it is now.</p><p>But, that also doesn't mean I'm going to discount anything you say or assume you won't understand anything at all. That difference may mean I'll filter some of your advice or thoughts through my experience and I may challenge your thoughts sometimes. </p><p>I'll approach it with the thought that your own experiences may help me see things I'm missing if I stay limited to only my own experience. Sometimes someone completely outside our experience sees something we can't and helps us to understand something better. That's how God intended for things to work when He created us to need each other.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5106096493236017819.post-13258199224455133792023-08-15T17:52:00.002-07:002023-08-15T17:52:26.815-07:00Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 6)<p> As I was writing in a coffee shop a couple weeks ago, I had a brief conversation with the person at the table next to me. They asked why I was writing this series.</p><p>I explained that these things are unhelpful to everyone in the conversation and they make the single person in the conversation feel like there's something wrong with them or they're doing something wrong. </p><p>The response I got was another thing that we need to stop saying. This is something we need to stop saying in any situation - not just in conversations with singles.</p><p>"You just need to stop taking things so personally."</p><p>In my opinion, this is one of the most unhelpful things we can say to anyone ever.</p><p>In these nine words, we cause more hurt and pain than we often understand. We dismiss the very valid feelings and struggles of the person. We minimize the challenges of the person we say it to.</p><p>It is completely true that there are times when we take things much more personally than they were meant. We read too much into the other person's words. We take on an interpretation they never meant.</p><p>But, even in these situations, telling someone not to take it personally just makes it hurt more. We would be better served to acknowledge that the person was hurt by what we said, even if we don't understand why it was such a big deal to them. And then, if opportunity affords it, to have a further conversation for both sides to understand each other better.</p><p>A better response to someone when we what we're saying is not as big a deal as they seem to think it is, would be to ask them to explain more. Not just say "why," but let them know you want to understand better - that you care enough about them as a person to listen to what they have to say.</p>Tamarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143254759817793572noreply@blogger.com0