Doing Life Together Even When the Way it Looks is Different

Freindship.

It's something we all need.

But, I think out culture's current view of friendship has had a damaging impact on the church. Friendship has become a matter of convenience and if something happens we don't like, we just drop the person and move on.

As Joy Beth Smith put it in her book, "Party of One":

"Singleness and intimacy are not at odds despite the messaging we've received." (pg. 57)

We see singleness and intimacy as being at odds because we're limiting intimacy to being almost exclusively sexual. But, in doing so, we've missed out on what I believe God intends it to be.

Whether we're single or married, we need people who really know us and who we really know. And it needs to be people from all walks of life. I don;t just need other single Christians in my life. I need other Christians - married, single, old, young. This is how we're supposed to live.

Joy Beth Smith has a helpful description of this in her book:

"Community is only as rich and deep as it is diverse. When we limit ourselves to a whole bunch of people who are exactly like us, we're limiting the refining power of community not only to meet needs but to sanctify." ("Party of One", pg. 53)

We not only need friendship and intimacy, we need it with people who are different from us.

And while:

". . . the church needs to see itself as an institution that values and honors friendship as much as it does marriage." (Christina S. Hitchcock, "The Significance of Singleness", pg. 137),

I'm not so sure we actually do that well. We tend to go to church and stay with the people just like us who know us and then go home to hide again. What we should be is a diverse community that values and promotes friendships that cross the lines we usually draw.

Up to this point, you could make the argument that this doesn't really apply specifically to singles in the church, but rather that it applies to the church as a whole. And you would be correct in that. So, here is where it gets specific about how it applies to singles in the church.

In many adult Christian circles, there seems to be an aversion to allowing a single adult to join the group if everyone else is married. For whatever reason, people seem to be hesitant or even outright opposed to it. This often leaves single Christian adults struggling to find community and friendship, and it leaves us vulnerable to attacks from our enemy.

The truth is, as adults who are trying to live as Christians, we have a lot in common, even if some are married and some are not. We're all trying to honour God in how we approach our work and our money; we all struggle to balance work and life; we all have good times and hard times. Yes, there's one obvious difference in our lives, but there usually is in most friendships.

We all need people we can do life with. People who come alongside us in good times and in bad times. It's how we were made to live. We all need people to pray for us and encourage us, to challenge us and to call us on stuff. None of these things are dependent on whether our marital status is the same or not.

So, lets stop using marital status to define who are friends are -what our community looks like. Lets welcome people who might be different than us to do life with us.

Things We Need to Stop Saying to Single People

"Maybe you just need to put yourself out there more."
"God will bring the right person when you stop looking for someone."
"Why aren't you married yet?"
"You're too [insert what ever descriptive word you want here] to still be single."
"When are you gong to get married?"
"Why are you still single?"
"Don't you want to get married?"
"You need to be careful you don't get too [successful/educated/settled] or you'll never get married."

That's just a short list of the things I've heard when people find out I'm single - or still single, as the case may be. I could keep going with the list, but I think you get the idea. I'm sure those of you reading this who are single could add your own to the list as well.

Things like what I've put on the list above are things we need to stop saying to people.

We just need to stop!

Why?

Because they imply something is wrong with the person you're saying them to.
Because they imply that the person is doing something wrong.
Because they say you know God's plan for them better than God does or they do.
Because they say that you have it all figured out and you think they don't.
Because they make someone feel small or looked down on or pitied.
Because they hurt.

I hope you're still with for the rest of this.

I honestly believe most people say these things with the best of intentions. They're not thinking about anything on the list I gave of why we need to stop saying them. I believe that the majority of the time when people say these things, their desire is to encourage the person and show them love. But, the reality is they don't encourage the person.

So what should we do or say instead?

Instead of focusing on whether someone is married or not, talk about family - whatever that looks like for each person. Most singles I know still have family that's important to them, whether it's biological or friends who have become family.

Instead of feeling sorry for or pitying someone who is single, take time to understand what life looks like for them.

Engage in real conversation with them.

The thing about what we need to stop saying is that they're all sound bytes that don't require investment on our part. We can say them and move on, feeling good about ourselves and not knowing how the other person took those words.

We also like to offer the pat answers because we're uncomfortable with other people's pain. If we invest the time, we may have to engage with their pain. As Joy Beth Smith says in her book "Party of One":

"The problem comes when the church is removed from the pain of singleness. When the leaders don't get it. Instead of sitting in it with us, they offer trite phrases that only serve to aggravate the inflammation. They might use these pat answers so they don't have to really analyze and look at pain, but there has to be a better way to meet the needs of single people." (pg. 76)

Any suggestions I have for how we can changes what we say involves time and energy - we have to invest. But, that's what we should be doing anyways.

What about you? Do you have any ideas of what we can say instead of these things we need to stop saying?

Is Singleness a Special Gift God Gives?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say that singleness is a gift or a special calling from God that some people have been given and others haven't. Although they don't say it in the same way, the implication is that marriage is also a special gift God gives to people.

This has always sat awkwardly with me, and it definitely did with someone who I turned it around on and told them that then their marriage was also the same thing. Something has just always felt a bit off in what people mean when they say this.

I can see where people get this from. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul says,

"I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."

It does appear that Paul is calling singleness a gift here. I won't try to argue that he's not. It is pretty clear.

But, I think we're misunderstanding what Paul means when he uses the word gift here. When we call singleness a gift, we often talk about it as if it's some sort of special calling. We make it out to be something God chooses for certain people and that He will give them some sort of special ability to live it out.

I can't find anything that supports that kind of thinking about it. When we think and talk about it that way, we put it on par with the gifts of the Spirit talked about elsewhere in Scripture (see Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4). There is no indication Paul is saying singleness is a gift like those talked about in these passages. Gifts of the Spirit in the sense that they are talked about in these other passages are about building up the church and reaching out to the world around us with the message of the gospel. They are things like teaching, leading, encouraging, serving, along with many others.

Singleness does not fit in with the rest of these. It is not something specifically for the building up of the church or reaching out to our world, so it doesn't make sense that we would even try to put singleness in that category - yet, I have talked with people who do.

Also, if we're going to try to call singleness a gift of that nature, we should call marriage that too. In this same verse in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul talks about marriage like that too.

So, what does Paul mean in 1 Corinthians 7:7 when he talks about a gift?

I think we have to start with taking a step back and looking at all of what we call gifts in our lives. We talk about many things in life being gifts from God - from things we have to people in our lives. But, we stop short of putting these things on par with the gifts of the Spirit.

I think this is the kind of gift Paul is talking about here. Something God allows in our lives that He then uses as a part of our lives. It's not a special calling that some receive and others don't.

There is also a problem in how it means we make singles in our churches feel when we call singleness some sort of special calling. As I've wrestled with this and continued to look for more resources that talk about this, I've come across another book that talks honestly about the topic. In his book "7 Myths about Singleness" Sam Allbery explains it this way:

"Two problems arise if we continue to think about singleness as being a special kind of calling. First, it will make large numbers of single people feel as though life hasn't started yet. They're single but don't perceive themselves as having the gift of singleness. They're in a situation they're not designed for or called to. Life feels as though it is in limbo until God notices he's accidentally 'misfiled' us as being single and fixes things. That's when things will feel like they've finally got going, but until then they're just kicking about.
Second, it causes undue pressure to get married, especially for those single people not perceived to have that gift. If you're single and don't have the 'gift of singleness', then you're not pulling your weight. You should be married by now." (pg. 44)

I don't think these are the messages we've intended to portray. I believe we've been trying to encourage those who are single when we call it a special calling from God, but we've actually made it worse for them (for me). We make them feel like, if there's still a desire for marriage than something is really wrong with them. Even creating a desperation for marriage that can result in poor choices if we're not careful.

In short, we need to stop making singleness out to be some sort of special calling or gift from God. Just as marriage is something God can use for His purposes, so too is singleness. We need to embrace both as important and as circumstances in life that God can use for His purposes.

Singleness is Not a Season

In conversation, we often seem to imply, if not directly say, that singleness is a season in life. The belief comes from the common thinking and even assumption in the church that everyone will eventually get married.

But I think we're on dangerous ground when we operate on that assumption. We can't claim we know for sure that God will allow all of us to get married one day. And when we operate on the assumption that everyone will get married on day, we say hurtful things to those in our churches whoa re single and desire very much to be married.

So, why do we so often treat singleness as just a season in someone's life? Why are we so anxious to try to usher them into what we mistakenly believe is the next season of life for everyone?

I think a large part of it is because it's what we've been taught. It's what we have been told is the logical and normal progression in life, so, we naturally look for ways to move people along in that.

But, I think that hides the deeper reason why we want to see singleness as a season and why we treat it that way. In her book "The Significance of Singleness", Christina S. Hitchcock talks about this deeper reason:

"American evangelicals are afraid of being single because we are afraid of what it means theologically: that God might not give us everything we want when we want it, that we are not in control of our futures, that the American dream and the gospel are not one and the same." (pg. 93)
[You could easily subsitute Canadian  in both places where Hitchcock says American and it would be equally true.]

What is so hard about this one, is that we're probably not even aware of this and how it affects our thinking about this. But, I knew as soon as I read that, I had dealt with it in my life. Even as a single person, I still had the struggle with what my singleness means theologically.

If we're going to change our thinking here, we're going to have to start with being aware of why we think the way we do. But, we can't stop with just knowing what we're thinking. We need to know why it's a problem.

Why is believing singleness is only a season a problem?

Joy Beth Smith puts it this way:

"The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here to be something to be endured, not celebrated. . . . Singleness is not a season with a guaranteed end in this life. And we can't spend our days trying to wait it out, constantly looking for what we hope is coming next." ("Party of One", pg. 19)

Whatever our life looks like, we miss out on so much of what God wants to do in and through us if we're constantly searching for the next thing. We miss the people God wants us to meet, the experiences He has for us, the things He wants to use us for. All we see is what we feel like we're missing. Eventually we lose hope that what we're hoping for will happen and we give up. We just try to endure our current circumstances.

Our assumption and belief that singleness is just a season has us standing on some faulty ground. It assumes that marriage is always God's plan for everyone. And it causes unnecessary pain for those in our midst who are single despite still having a strong desire to be married.

The One Thing I Couldn't Find in Scripture

If we hear something often enough, we begin to believe it. Because it become familiar, we decide it must be true and we begin to think and act like it is.

As I studied Scripture on the topic of what it has to say about singleness, I also found I was studying what it says about marriage. You really can't study one without studying the other.

In doing this, I realized that one of the things I've heard often in the larger church body, or at least in certain segments of the larger church body, is actually not what Scripture says. Even an honest searching of the main Scripture pointed to by those who say this didn't convince me that's what it said.

No where in Scripture does it say we have to get married. No where in Scripture does it say singleness cannot be a part of God's plan. No where in Scripture does it say anything about it being a sin to remain single.

Those who have made the argument that the Bible says we have to get married most often point to Genesis 1:28 to support their argument:

"God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground'."

They point to God's Words in the creation account about being fruitful and increasing in number as being a command to get married.

As I dug into how this has been understood by various scholars, I found that the interpretation of this verse was as varied as the scholars I read. The number of ways these words have been understood over the years makes me hesitant to take a firm stance on saying this verse is a requirement for all to get married.

Some of those I read, took this verse as a literal command that all should marry. Others saw it as speaking to a need not to let humanity, or at least Christians today, die out, so if there's a danger of that then marriage is a command in that setting (ie. it would have been a command for Adam & Eve, or Noah and his sons after the flood). Still others saw it as making marriage honourable and important. Some saw it as being no longer relevant because of New Testament examples of Jesus or Paul or others. There were also some who saw this verse as having no relevance to the topic at all.

As I read these varying understandings, the conclusion I could come to was that this verse is not saying that it's a sin or wrong to not get married. There isn't that kind of clarity coming from those who are much smarter than me when it comes to these things.

Looking at the larger picture of Scripture, it also becomes clear that God used single people for His purposes. Jesus was single while He was on earth. So was Paul for a large part of his life and ministry. A lack of being married didn't disqualify them from being used powerfully for God's purposes on this earth.

Yes, it is absolutely true that God value marriage. He created it and has purpose for it. I will never say that's not true. But, it can be important and a beautiful part of God's creation and plan for the world and still not be a requirement for all Christians.

I believe we're on shaky ground when we say it's a sin for people not to get married. I think that places greater emphasis on marriage than on God. It gets our priorities out of order.

As I finish this, I can't think of a better way to end then to offer a quote from Christina S. Hitchcock in her book "The Significance of Singleness":

"We need single people to remind us that the church grows by the power of the Holy Spirit, not by the power of our reproductive organs. Our children are part of that growth, but only insofar as they too participate in the work of the Holy Spirit to bring the good news of Jesus Christ to people of all nations, tribes, and tongues." (pg. 144)

In other words, our focus should be on the great commission as found in Matthew 28:18-20. We should all be making disciples, regardless of our marital status. That's what being fruitful and multiplying means today.

What Scripture Says About Singleness: Part Two

In the last post, I started looking at what 1 Corinthians 7 says about singleness. This chapter really is the only place in Scripture where this topic is directly addressed.

1 Corinthians 7:25-40 is the next part of this chapter that talks about singleness. Paul specifically addressed virgins and those unmarried here. For the sake of space, I'm not going to quote the whole passage here, but I encourage you to read it before you read the rest of this post.

The general point of the passage is that while it's not wrong to marry, there advantages to not marrying. The main advantage that Paul talks about is undivided focus a single person can have. While a married person has another person they are thinking about, a single person is free to focus only on the things of God. Paul encourages singleness here, but not because he says marriage is wrong or sinful or something to be avoided.

I think Paul's intent in this passage is to encourage all to put their focus and attention on what God has given them. If one if married, then a certain amount of that attention and focus is on their spouse and on living in their marriage according to God's ways and plans. If one is single, then all of it in on pleasing only God and serving Him with their lives.

One of the common misapplications I've heard and seen, but thankfully never personally experienced, is the assumption that a single person should do anything and everything asked of them by the church. Basically, the idea that they must have more time and energy and should be spending it all on whatever the church decides they should do.

Being single does not mean someone doesn't have preferences and gifts, and doesn't have a right to say no to some things. God gifts all people and gives them different things to do and we need to allow that.

As a single person, I know my ability to serve God and my freedom to do things is very different from what it looks like for my married friends. I'm also very aware that there are some things I shouldn't be doing in the church because God didn't create me to do those things well, even though they would fit in my calendar.

Whether single or married, we need to respect people's decisions about how they use their time to serve God. Being single doesn't mean a person has to do everything. Just as being married doesn't mean there are only certain things a person can do.

As I look at all Paul has to say in 1 Corinthians 7, the conclusion I come to is that Paul valued both singleness and marriage. He saw some very good things that come with being single and he elevated singleness because of that. His teaching here and elsewhere also makes it clear that he didn't see marriage as bad or wrong.

If we're going to elevate singleness in our churches today from the place it has too often been - seen as just a waiting period - to something of value, then it's going to require that we wrestle with some other realities of how we think. I will be exploring these in some of my upcoming posts.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts on what Scripture says. What do you see in 1 Corinthians 7?

What Scripture Says About Singleness: Part One

What does Scripture say about singleness?

The truth is, it doesn't say much directly. Scripture is definitely  much quieter on this than it is on the topic of marriage. But, that doesn't mean it's something we can ignore in the church today. There are simply too many single adults, whoa re past college-age, in our church to not take time to talk about this.

In my searching of Scripture on this, I found there really was only one passage where singleness is spoken about specifically and directly. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about singleness, alongside marriage.

As I began to look what biblical scholars and teachers had to say on this passage, I very quickly became frustrated. Very few even acknowledged Paul's words about singleness here. And those who did, almost exclusively talked about it as being a temporary thing as one prepared for marriage.

So, what does Paul say in 1 Corinthians 7? What can we learn from what he writes?

Verses 7-9 say:

"I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to unmarried and widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

While Paul may have been married at one point, he wasn't when he wrote this letter. In these verses, Paul is encouraging people to remain single. Scholars I read debate the reason why Paul encourages this here. Some saying it was because of persecution the Corinthian Christians were facing; others said it was because Paul was convinced that Jesus' second coming would happen very soon; still others said it was because Paul didn't like marriage.

That last reason seems most unlikely to me given all that Paul says about marriage in the rest of this chapter and in other letters he writes. The other two opinions seem more plausible to use, but I'm not sure we can be completely cure of why Paul wrote what he did.

Whatever he reasons for writing these words, one thing is clear: Paul saw singleness as something valuable and honourable. In saying he wished all could be like he was, Paul is giving singleness a place of importance in God's kingdom alongside marriage.

Even in his acknowledgement that marriage is better than burning with passion, Paul is not making singleness out to just a temporary waiting place in life. He is acknowledging that both are important.

I think we often skip these verses because they're not something we're comfortable with. I know that's been what I've done. The truth is they're not 100% clear. Paul doesn't say this is how you should look at singleness here.

There is still more than 1 Corinthians 7 has to say on this topic, but for the sake of keeping these posts a readable length, that will be the subject of the next post.

Why We Need to Talk More About Singleness in the Church

What does the Bible say about singleness?

How should we engage in discussions about singleness as the church?

Why should we talk about singleness?

These questions and some others have been ones I've been wrestling with for a while. As a single Christian, committed to the church as a whole and to a local gathering of the church, these questions are deeply personal.

As I've wrestled with these questions, they've become a series of blog posts.I don't know how many posts yet, but I've been challenged that we need to be having this conversation in the church more than we are and we need to have it differently than we have in the past. This isn't an easy discussion to have, but it's vital to the church in our rapidly changing culture.

It's no longer the norm in our society to get married, have kids, and stay married. This may have remained the norm in the church for a little longer than society as a whole, but it's no longer the norm in the church either. People are getting married later and more are not getting married at all. This means that single adults are a much larger percentage of our churches than they have been in the past. But, I've found that we do a poor job of addressing that.

As I've wrestled with this topic and dug into it, I've discovered a significant lack of resources on the topic. Standing in my local Christian bookstore, there were two shelves related to marriage, along with over half the books in the section for women also talking about being a wife and/or mother. After some more looking, I found the very small section labelled "singles." It consisted of five books, and all but one of them was about preparing for marriage. As I turned my search elsewhere, I discovered a few more resources, although still a staggeringly few in comparison to what is available on marriage.

While the handful of practical books I found on the topic of singleness were good, they're not likely to be read by someone who isn't single - even though they need to be. I think we need more than practical books, we need to understand what the Bible actually has to say about singleness.

As a single person, I've been taught a theology of marriage to go along with the practical I've heard and seen available. And that's a good thing. Even as a single person, I need that.

But, I wonder how many of us - particularly those who are married - have ever read or heard anything on a theology of singleness? Of what the Bible has to say about it?

As I searched for this, I came across a book that I found helpful and challenging. As with most of what I read, I found I both agreed and disagreed with what the author had to say. Reading the book I found was part of what really drove me to dig deeper and wrestle more with this topic.

The book is called The Significance of Singleness: A Theological Vision for the Future of the Church by Christina S. Hitchcock. As I read, I was driven back to Scripture to wrestle with its truth. I was also challenged to wrestle with my own thoughts and experiences as a single adult in the church.

As I read the introduction to the book, I was struck by some of what Hitchcock had to say on the topic. It seems fitting to share a bit of it here as I introduce these blog posts. Hitchcock is writing from the perspective of the American church, but when it comes to the topic of singleness, almost all of what she had to say fits with my experiences and the experiences of others I've talked to within the Canadian church.

"American Christians adore marriage and are petrified by singleness. Our inability to think of singleness within the context of the entire kingdom of God has not only hurt our ability to live as single people and to live with single people; it has also damaged our ability to speak wisely, humbly, and biblically on subjects such as feminism, homosexuality, extra-marital sex, and even missions and evangelism. When anything take precedence over the kingdom, even God's good gifts, our theology starts to take a nosedive, and we'll see problems popping up all over the place. Singleness is not something to be endured, but neither is it something that is simply of practical usefulness to the church because single people have so much time and energy. The life of Christian singleness can serve as a picture of the gospel and what that means: participating in true community, finding identity in Christ, and receiving authority to act as God's agents in the world."
(Christina S. Hitchcock, The Significance of Singleness, pg. xxii)

Over the next while, many of my posts are going to be wrestling with singleness. Wrestling with what the Bible says about it, what it looks like in the church, what it looks like in life in general. These aren't easy topics and not all of them are comfortable. There are places that really wrestling with this took me that aren't places I've usually written about here, but are an incredibly important part of the conversation.

I don't pretend to be an expert on this. I'm certainly not a biblical scholar. I'm a fellow pilgrim on the journey to become more like Christ and I invite you to wrestle with this with me. I'd love to hear your perspectives, experiences, and understanding of Scripture as I write these posts. Lets start this conversation that we've been missing or avoiding in the church, that we desperately need to have.