When Our Words Unintentionally Cause Hurt

 Have you ever said nothing you meant nothing by without realizing how much it was going to hurt someone when you didn't intend to?

We've all probably done this sometimes. And we've probably been on the receiving end of a comment like this.

A situation where there's truly no ill will or ill intent, yet was is said causes pain for someone. These times are not fun for anyone involved as the outcome is fully realized.

Despite our best intentions, we hurt each other sometimes. We do it in all kinds of situations. But today, I want to talk about one specific time that we it happens, that is causing more harm than we may be aware of.

If you're a single adult in the church, you've likely smiled, or even laughed, outwardly in these situations. All the while cringing and feeling less than on the inside, as you've heard people say things like what follows here:

I don't know why someone like you is still single.

Maybe if you didn't desire marriage anymore, you'd meet someone.

You're too ______________ (confident, established, sure of yourself) for someone to want to be with you. You need to need someone.

You just need to trust God with your plans for your life.

The Bible says God will give you the desires of your heart, so just wait for His timing and it will happen.

There must be something in your life that is keeping you from finding someone. You need to deal with it, so you can meet someone.

Singleness is a gift. You should embrace it and stop desiring marriage.

Sorry. You won't understand this part of the conversation because you're not married.

And that's far from an exhaustive list of things I've heard over the years of being single, but it's a start to get us thinking.

Because the troubling Scripture interpretation and faulty logic of some of those statements, they also bring a lot of pain.

Many of these statements make assumptions about the experiences of someone.

Many of these statements make assumptions about where the heart of someone is.

Many of these statements make assumptions about the single person is doing or not doing.

And it hurts. 

Even if it was intended differently, it doesn't remove the fact that the words hurt.

So, how should we respond if the person who was hurt has the courage to tell us that our words hurt them?

I think this is where the biggest impact lies. When we're made aware that something we said caused pain to another, even when that's not what we intended, our response can change the entire experience for the person who spoke up.

We can acknowledge how they feel and seek to understand.

Or we can make light of it and contribute to causing greater hurt.

To acknowledge that our words hurt someone requires humility on our part. We have to be willing to admit and own the pain our words caused to the other person.

This applies in so many areas of life, but as you can probably guess from above, I'm talking specifically about how we respond to the single adults around us. Because we how respond to them, is vital to the church functioning as the family God created the church to be.

Distrusting God?

"We distrust God when we are fearful of losing control. When we try to take control we ultimately leave no room for God to be God." (Lysa TerKeurst, Trustworthy)

Those were the first two sentence that started the Bible study I was working on that day. And they hit me like a sucker punch in the gut.

I'd spent most of the week leading up to that day living fearful of losing control in a part of my life. My ability to imagine the worst case scenario outcome of something had been racing ahead of reality for days. And I was exhausted because of it.

Living in fear of losing control is exhausting. 

Living in a constant state of imagining the worst possible outcome of a situation is exhausting.

And I knew that.

But, until I read those words, I hadn't connected them to my current situation.

The part of those words that hit the hardest was that my fear of losing control was actually distrusting God. I don't usually think of all of my efforts to control things as distrust of God. But, as I thought about it more, I realized how true it was.

I had an entire week of studying the lives of a couple less well-known kings of Israel and Judah to really see that. 1 Kings 12 & 13 tell us about the first two kings of the divided kingdom that followed Solomon. Rehoboam, Solomon's son, made some poor choices and the kingdom was divided. 

Jeroboam became king over the 10 tribes of the northern kingdom of Israel. And, he began to make decisions that revealed his distrust in God and his fear of losing control. These choices led Israel into idolatry and turning away from God.

It can be easy to read this and think we won't do that. We're not kings and we're likely not going to build golden calves for people to worship. That may be true, but when we stop to look at what drives some of our decisions, we may see more similarities than we do at first - at least I did when I read it.

1 Kings 12:26-27 says:

Jeroboam thought to himself, "The kingdom will now likely revert to the house of David. If these people go up to offer sacrifices at the temple of the Lord in Jerusalem, they will give their allegiance to the their lord, Rehoboam, king of Judah. They will kill me and return to king Rehoboam.

Jeroboam was afraid of losing control of the people and that led him to make choices that proved he didn't really trust God. Those choices led him and Israel astray.

But, Jeroboam had a promise from God (see 1 Kings 11:29-40), that he could trust. When things stopped going clearly as he though they would, Jeroboam reacted in fear of losing control and revealed his distrust in God.

How often do we do the same thing in our own lives?

This is exactly what I'd been doing in the week leading up to this realization. And, as I studied the outcome of it, I knew it wasn't where I wanted to stay. I had to make a choice to trust God with what I can't control. I had to let go of the fear of losing control. And I still have to choose that everyday in this area of my life right now. But, I know it's the best choice.

Is there an area of your life where your fear of losing control means you are not trusting God?

What would it look like to trust God in this area of your life today?

The Day I Usually Want to Remove from the Calendar

 Today is day I have often wished to remove from the calendar.

Most days, being single isn't a big deal to me, even if it's not what I had hope for at this point in my life. But, today, it feels like it declares that something is very wrong with me.

February 14.

Valentine's Day.

It's a day when it feels like being single is something you need to hide. A day where you don't feel welcome in most places because everything is set up for and focused on couples. If you, as a single person, show up somewhere you're often seen as messing up the natural order of things even more than usual.

As it approached this year, I was dreading it even more than usual, but I wasn't really sure why.

When the opportunity to do something with others who were also single came up, I jumped on board quickly.

But, that still didn't remove the question of why I had been dreading this day even more than usual this year.

Then, a few nights ago, I was at a gathering for singles and I heard someone else put words to why. 

It can be a lonely night when you're longing for connection with people. Feeling like most of society expects you to stay home along that evening because you don't have a significant other emphasizes and amplifies any loneliness you may already be feeling. Maybe even more as we seek to rebuild the connection opportunities that were lost through a couple years of COVID.

So, maybe I dread today a little bit less now because I know I will have some fun with other singles. That I will have that connection I crave and the God created us for.

But, think this leads to a bigger question that I've been talking about in the last couple of blog posts I wrote as well.

If God created us for community and connection with each other, how do we create that in our churches - for every adult, whether married or single?

Singles in All Ministries

 Last week I wrote about the need for churches to have singles' ministries. This week, I want to talk about what some people seem as an opposing thought . . . 

but I don't think that's what it is.

What am I talking about?

The need for singles to be fully involved and welcomed in all areas of the church. A singles' ministry should not be the only place we feel welcome. We need singles in every area of church life - except for marriage specific stuff.

This does seem to happen in most things. We don't ask about marital status for men's and women's events, or to decide on who to allow or not allow to serve.

But, there is one area where we don't always seem to include singles well. One area where the language and the way we communicate excludes singles . . .

I don't think we're aware of it when it happens. Or that we're doing it intentionally.

Most churches have small groups (community groups, care groups, etc) that meet in homes throughout the week. And there's always encouragement to join and get involved in one. It's a good thing. A necessary thing.

But, if not in the info about the group, then in conversation with the group leader or host, singles are made to feel unwelcome in the group. Sometimes, even directly excluded from the group. (Again, I'm not talking about marriage specific groups - I'm talking about many small groups in general.)

We write the words "busy families" and "couples" into our descriptions of small groups, at the same time as we tell people these groups are open to all adults. I understand wanting a small group to be people you connect with. And we should be clear about what is bringing the specific group together. But, if every small group description has that language, it can imply that singles aren't actually welcome in our small groups. 

And that can be enough to hinder a single person who already finds it challenging enough to show up to something alone. When the description is written to families and couples, there's a large and growing segment of our churches who are left out.

But, it can also be more direct in making the single person fell not really welcome. This next example may seem a little extreme, but I'm recounting an experience shared with me by another single person. I am leaving out any identifying details - to protect all in this.

They were fairly new to a church and inquired about a small group to join. In a conversation with a leader of a potential group, they were asked if they were married. When they answered no, they were told that while they could still join the group, if they were the first person to arrive for the meeting, they would have to wait in their car until one of the other couples arrived to be able to go in. 

Upon further conversation, they learned this requirement was just for them because they were single. One person from one of the couples could arrive alone and just go in, even if they were the first one to arrive. 

Needless to say, they didn't join that group, as it didn't really feel like they would be welcomed.

I get having rules to protect marriages. If I show up at a friends' house and only their husband is home, I'm not going to go in and stay for a while - that's not a good choice. But, when I arrive somewhere by myself, I don't have to wait for more people to go in to a friends' house.

Just as we need ministries and groups for different demographics, we need groups that bring people together across those lines. We have much to learn from each other when we're together. 

And we need to be willing to pay attention to and remove the barriers we've created - whether they were intentional or unintentional - where they're not actually necessary.