Loss in a Season of Loss

I had a much different post planned for today. One I had written, edited, and perfected to share today. But, when I went to post it, it just didn't feel like the right one to share today.

I've been thinking about some different things today. I don't know exactly where this post is going as I write it. This isn't the way I usually write what I share here. But, this feels important to share tonight.

Earlier today, I read a Facebook post that told me an extended family member had passed away. My great uncle Pete . . . or just uncle Pete, as I called him all my life. As I was blessed to have my great-grandparents alive for most of my life, my great uncles, great aunts, second cousins were part of my life growing up. 

Family holiday gatherings, important life events, and church gatherings and events over the years. All those people and all those memories. People who made my life feel that much more secure, because I knew all those people in that room for those memories cared and would be there if I needed them.

As these memories started coming up, my mind wandered to another, even closer person, it feels like I've lost in so many ways. As I sit here today, writing this, it's been just over 11 months since I last saw my Grandma. One of the many losses within this pandemic. The reality is, she was fading when I saw her last, her memory being stolen from her. Now, all these months later, it's very likely that if I see her again before she passes away, she won't know who I am. 

Physically, I drive past the home where she lives at least once a week. But it was Family Day weekend in February 2020 when I last pulled a car into the parking lot and walked through the doors, got in the elevator, and walked down the hall to her ward to find her for a visit. It's been 11 months since I leaned down over her wheelchair to give her a hug, feeling those familiar, yet weakened, arms reaching up to hug me back. Whispering the words "I love you" and hearing her whisper them back.

Another of the many losses of a pandemic. But, the family losses feel the deepest tonight. 

My next thought was to ponder where to turn. What can we do in the midst of all of this?

At church, we're nearing the end of our "21 Days of Prayer" and we've had morning and evening prayer gatherings online. As I was wondering this, I realized it was time for the evening prayer gathering, so I tuned in. And, that was reminder of where to turn.

In the midst of it all, we have a heavenly Father who is with us. Our Abba, who we can turn to and rely on. When the world around us in confusing and hard and we're facing another loss in a season that already feels full of them, we can call on Him and He is with us.

"The Father has loved us so much that we are called children of God. And we really are His children." (1 John 3:1, NCV)

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him we cry 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." (Romans 8:14-16, NIV)

Why Are Hugs so Important as a Single Person?

 "I'm not a hugger."

"I don't need many hugs to survive."

Those are words I would have said easily a year ago. And I really believed them.

Then a global pandemic hit and hugging pretty much everybody in my world became a thing of the past. Suddenly, I was aware of just how many hugs were a regular part of my day, my week. And how much I needed those hugs.

There were the two or three hugs with coworkers at the start of a work day.

There were the hugs with a few friends every time I saw them.

There were the hugs with people at church when I arrived each week.

That's when I realized . . . maybe I am a hugger. No, I don't greet everyone I see with a hug. But, for those I'm comfortable with, a hug was an important part of every time we saw each other.

Realizing how much I missed in these last 10 months or so is a large part of what prompted me to write these posts. It made me realize that I actually needed those hugs. So, I am, in fact, a hugger. I'm just someone who only hugs some people.

So, it made me wonder why this was so important as a single person. Why did it seem like me and other single people I talked to felt the lack of physical touch so much more acutely so quickly?

Now, I realize that there are lots of people from all walks of life are struggling with the lack of physical touch and connection. It's affecting us all. But, what I noticed is that there was a difference in how quickly it was felt by those who are single and live alone and those who lived with others and saw and were close to people everyday.

It relates to what I wrote about in my last post. We have limited what intimacy is and that means we've pushed singles to the edge of this. In many ways, a lack of physical touch has always been our reality. Adding in a few hugs from family each week when I saw them, the list I shared at the start of this post is the extent of all physical touch, and anyone getting even physically close, in my world on a normal basis. And it doesn't help that in many circumstances people already go out of their way to avoid getting too close, let alone touching me.

It doesn't mean there aren't other things that aren't helpful and good. Just incomplete.

"While hospitality is good and necessary, there is an intimacy our unmarried brothers and sisters need that cannot be met with mere meals and occasional movie nights. For singles to feel connected to the body of believers, healthy touch must be practiced." (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

That is the reason why those hugs are so important. That is what makes me a hugger.

Rather than avoiding touch, we need to change how we look at it and how we act on it. Especially for the sake of the singles in our midst.

"When it comes to our single friends in the church, instead of prioritizing the keeping up of appearances, what might it look like for married people to prioritize giving the gift of physical touch in appropriate but very intentional ways?" (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

Obviously, this is something to put into practice in the future - once this global pandemic is over.

But, still an interesting question to consider. I would expand it to include everyone, whether married or single, offering physical touch in appropriate but very intentional ways.

How do we Change our One-Size-Fits-All Rules?

 If our one-size-fits-all rules cause harm, what should we do instead?

How do we approach these interactions appropriately and in ways that aren't open to misinterpretations?

This is already an area with lots of grey and lots that can go wrong if we're not careful. This is why we like lists of what we can do and can't do to be so clear. It's how we attempt to deal with the grey areas and keep ourselves from the potential of any trouble.

This feels like something I'm not qualified to address. Except I opened up this issue. If I'm going to argue that we need to change things here, then it's only realistic that I offer some thoughts though. 

So, here goes my attempt at an answer . . .

We have to begin with changing our understanding of intimacy and physical touch. It's easy to look at our culture and see the way we have sexualized everything.

"We are so sexualized in our culture that we cannot divorce erotic touch from faithful ministering touch with those between whom there is no physical attraction." (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

It doesn't take long to see this in culture. A simple look at advertising tells us this. Or listening to some of the popular music. Or watching just a few minutes to TV.

But, it's not just society.

We've done the same thing inside the church. 

It's why we can't hug someone of the opposite sex without people wondering. It's why we go to great lengths to avoid anything where we might be close with someone of the opposite sex.

And we start this sexualized thinking when we're young. It's in the messages on modesty where girls are told to make sure their clothes don't reveal too much because they don't want to cause the guys to stumble. A message that ultimately tells the girls they're sexual objects to guys. And guys that they're not responsible for their thoughts if a girl's clothing isn't modest enough.

Yes, we should be teaching modesty and care for our brothers and sisters in the church. That's vital to how community works. It's not the principles behind this teaching that we to change. Those are true.

My argument is that we need to change the reasons why we teach the principles. The focus needs to be on honouring God with our lives and our choices, not on making us responsible for the choices of another person.

If we're going to change our one-size-fits-all rules, we have to start with changing the way we view physical touch. It's ingrained in us to view almost all physical touch and intimacy through a sexual lens. But, that limits and constrains us.

If we were to remove that lens, how might our rules change?

What About our One-Size-Fits-All Rules?

 What if I told you that some of the rules - both spoken and unspoken - that we have in our churches around interactions with and physical touch between men and women actually caused harm to some people in our churches?

What is your gut response to that claim?

Because that's the premise of what I'm writing today.

I've struggled with how to write this post. What words to use. How strong to come across. Because, I've probably offended some of you already. 

And, not that long ago, when someone said that to me, I was offended too. Until I took the time to actually think about it and relate it to my own experiences. That's when I realized that caused harm is exactly the right phrase to use. 

I believe our rules were put in place with the best of intentions. And many of them make a lot of sense on paper - but only on paper. Especially in light of the sex-crazed society we live in, where accusations - some true and some not - and sin in this area abounds. With all of this, blanket rules feel safest and clearest. The easiest way to prevent misinterpretations of actions or words.

I get it. I understand why all these blanket rules exist. But, that doesn't change the fact that they also cause harm to some people who are on the receiving end of the results of these rules.

When we think about the fact that no two people have the same story, it makes sense that blanket rules wouldn't work. And that makes this even more confusing and complicated.

Before, I go any further, let me be clear: I'm not advocating for the removal of all rules or boundaries. I'm not saying we shouldn't have any rules. I'm saying we maybe need to look at our rules and maybe the hard and fast rules need a little bit of room.

As Lore Ferguson Wilbert puts it in her book Handle With Care:

"In all my years of being in church, it was common to hear placid and stale counsel regarding touch, Always dos or never dos. But none of this takes into account the variety of stories the people of God carry with them - no two stories are alike, no two people are alike, therefore no touches are alike in their giving and receiving. This makes it an infinitely complicated issue."

One of these complications comes from something I've written about a lot here. Being single.

A little further on in her book, Wilbert puts it better than I could:

"Singleness can be a lonely place. And its lonely edges, for many, show up most often around touch and the lack of it. This is when most people feel their singleness most potently."

I've written about this feeling in previous posts. And it's probably something being felt even more acutely in this time.

But, don't think this is something unique to living through a global pandemic. Wilbert wrote her words long before we were in the middle of a pandemic and it's been true a lot longer than this. This feeling may be exacerbated in this time, but it's always been true.

So, getting back to my claim that our rules cause harm to some people. There's one group that I can talk about. What some of these rules play out like as a single person in the church.

As I thought about how to explain this, the clearest way seemed to be to try to put you in my shoes in a couple of common scenarios. Give you an inside look at what goes on in my head - much of it as a result of our one-size-fits-all rules.

Scenario 1

You see a friend at church you haven't seen in a long time because they're no longer living where you are. They're back for a visit. The challenge . . . he's a married man and you're a single woman. Even though you both know his wife would be okay with it and she's standing right there with him, there's a hesitation as you approach each other and evaluate if a quick hug will be okay with those around you. 

The rules say that hug is inappropriate. That's what you've heard since youth at church. And that's what the looks of most of those who see this tell you. Even if no one says a word about it. But, in any other place, there would be no hesitation to greet each other with a hug - and not an awkward side-hug, an actual hug.

Scenario 2

This one doesn't deal specifically with physical touch, but it relates to the same rules I'm talking about. 

You arrive at church and head for where you usually sit with friends. He is seated already, but she isn't - you haven't seen her yet so you don't even know if she's there and will be coming to sit down. You wonder if you should sit down yet. Or maybe it would be better to just drop your stuff off and go find someone to talk to for now.

You've heard the comments before about a single woman sitting near a married man - even when you stay an appropriate distance away. Even worse if you have a conversation with him while his wife isn't there as well. All this despite the fact that you know, she would be just fine with you taking a seat and having a conversation with her husband before church started, in the public space you're in at the moment.

Now, reading those two examples, thing may seem a little extreme. It might seem a little "out there." Honestly, it was an interesting experience to actually write down the thoughts that go through my head in those situations. Those are just two examples of more I could give with enough time.

But, I hope that those examples give a little bit of insight into how some of our one-size-fits-all rules can cause harm. That kind of thinking I describe, that's what is constantly going through my head in every interaction - especially in settings where these rules have been deemed to apply.