Why Someone Cancelling Plans is so Hard as a Single Person

 "Why are you so disappointed when I have to can plans with you? It's not the end of the world.

I've been asked some version of that question by a lot of people over the years. And, while I know there's no malicious or hurtful intent in the question, it drives the disappointment deeper. Because, now I know I've been misunderstood on top of the plans I thought I had being cancelled.

I understand that stuff happen and things come up in life that mean previously made plans need to be cancelled. That's a part of life, and I do my best to understand.

But, that shouldn't mean I don't get to be disappointed. I'm not trying to guilt you or pressure you. But, I've now gone from having plans to do something person to another evening or day alone . . . again.

Now, I'm an introvert, who truly values my time alone. But, there comes a point when I need people, when I need community. The last thing I need it more alone time right then, so the cancelled plans hurt and are disappointing - even though I understand life necessitates that sometimes.

I may not be able to hide my disappointment in the moment, although I will do my best for your sake. I don't want to make you feel bad when you had no choice.

But, I guess the situations where cancelled plans are the hardest are when it seems like there's no reason why they had to be cancelled. I hadn't been able to put words around this situation for a long time. A couple of months ago, I was reading a book that explained it in a way I'd been unable to.

In her book, Turn Toward the Sun, author Mandy Hale, better known as "The Single Woman" online, writes this:

"And here's the thing you need to remember, too, if you are married or in a relationship or have kids or all of the above and you're cancelling plans with a single friend: You tend to have built-in and consistent community in that you at least have kids or a significant other. There's a good chance that you were the community for the week for the person you just cancelled on, and they likely had been looking forward to spending time with you all week. And now you've bailed on them at the last minutes, giving them no time to make other plans and essentially stripping them of their community for the week. So, yes, it is a really big deal to cancel plans, and it might impact the other person's mental health in ways you can't possibly see in the moment you shoot off a one-line text message standing them up."

That may sound a bit harsh at first read if you've never thought about it before. But, it resonated for me when I read it.

Even on the days I go to work, there's not community there all the time. We try, but work has to be done, and sometimes all we communicate about is work - possibly even, only by digital means.

And then I go home to an empty house.

I'm happy to do lots of things alone. And do them regularly.

But sometimes, it's really nice to do them with someone.

So, even if it doesn't always seem like it to you, sometimes cancelled plans feel like the end of the world and my disappointment is going to be obvious. I'm not trying to guilt you with it.

So, what am I asking in writing this?

When you think about cancelling plans with your single friend, pause for a moment. If you don't have to cancel, then don't. Sometimes, a half hour coffee because you're tired is better than all plans being completely cancelled.

And, when you do need to cancel completely, don't tell me it's no big deal when I'm disappointed.

Choosing to Live a Full Life

 I've been asked to explain about my journey with singleness a few times in the last few months. That's always an interesting question to answer. How much detail I go into in my answer really depends on who is asking and the context for the conversation.

As I've answered this question, there is on thing that has stayed the same no matter what. That's the way I always start my answer.

I'm not single by choice. I want to be married and a family of my own. But, I'm not going to allow not having that to keep me from living a full life right now, in my current circumstances.

That's been my way of living since I graduated college. I graduated Bible college to jokes from my family that I "failed" Bible college because I was still single. While I know those words were meant as teasing, they made me realize that I had a choice in how I lived.

I could live as if those teasing words were true. And the result would be that I would put my life on hold while I did nothing but search for someone to marry. I could be discontent because things weren't exactly as I wanted them to be.

Or, I could acknowledge that I was single and had a desire to be married, and still live my life. I could choose to get involved in things at church, to build great friendships, to do things I loved - even when the circumstances weren't exactly what I'd hoped they would be.

This doesn't remove the fact that I'm not single by choice, nor does it eliminate the struggle that comes when circumstances aren't exactly what I would desire. But, it does give life meaning and purpose. It does give opportunity to be used by God for His purposes and His glory.

I think this applies to all of us in many areas of life. It doesn't matter the specifics of the circumstances we wish were different. The principle is still the same.

We will have a choice in how we will respond to those circumstances. 

We can let the circumstance mean we put our lives on hold until things change to how we want them to be. 

Or we can acknowledge that it's not what we would prefer and choose to live the best life we can in spite of it.