Why Someone Cancelling Plans is so Hard as a Single Person

 "Why are you so disappointed when I have to can plans with you? It's not the end of the world.

I've been asked some version of that question by a lot of people over the years. And, while I know there's no malicious or hurtful intent in the question, it drives the disappointment deeper. Because, now I know I've been misunderstood on top of the plans I thought I had being cancelled.

I understand that stuff happen and things come up in life that mean previously made plans need to be cancelled. That's a part of life, and I do my best to understand.

But, that shouldn't mean I don't get to be disappointed. I'm not trying to guilt you or pressure you. But, I've now gone from having plans to do something person to another evening or day alone . . . again.

Now, I'm an introvert, who truly values my time alone. But, there comes a point when I need people, when I need community. The last thing I need it more alone time right then, so the cancelled plans hurt and are disappointing - even though I understand life necessitates that sometimes.

I may not be able to hide my disappointment in the moment, although I will do my best for your sake. I don't want to make you feel bad when you had no choice.

But, I guess the situations where cancelled plans are the hardest are when it seems like there's no reason why they had to be cancelled. I hadn't been able to put words around this situation for a long time. A couple of months ago, I was reading a book that explained it in a way I'd been unable to.

In her book, Turn Toward the Sun, author Mandy Hale, better known as "The Single Woman" online, writes this:

"And here's the thing you need to remember, too, if you are married or in a relationship or have kids or all of the above and you're cancelling plans with a single friend: You tend to have built-in and consistent community in that you at least have kids or a significant other. There's a good chance that you were the community for the week for the person you just cancelled on, and they likely had been looking forward to spending time with you all week. And now you've bailed on them at the last minutes, giving them no time to make other plans and essentially stripping them of their community for the week. So, yes, it is a really big deal to cancel plans, and it might impact the other person's mental health in ways you can't possibly see in the moment you shoot off a one-line text message standing them up."

That may sound a bit harsh at first read if you've never thought about it before. But, it resonated for me when I read it.

Even on the days I go to work, there's not community there all the time. We try, but work has to be done, and sometimes all we communicate about is work - possibly even, only by digital means.

And then I go home to an empty house.

I'm happy to do lots of things alone. And do them regularly.

But sometimes, it's really nice to do them with someone.

So, even if it doesn't always seem like it to you, sometimes cancelled plans feel like the end of the world and my disappointment is going to be obvious. I'm not trying to guilt you with it.

So, what am I asking in writing this?

When you think about cancelling plans with your single friend, pause for a moment. If you don't have to cancel, then don't. Sometimes, a half hour coffee because you're tired is better than all plans being completely cancelled.

And, when you do need to cancel completely, don't tell me it's no big deal when I'm disappointed.