Being "The Single Person" at a Wedding

Thinking about it a little more, a better title for this post may be Being "The Older Single Person" at a wedding. But, that just seems a bit awkward . . .

In the last year, I've been to a handful of weddings again. After many years of not having any, it seems that weddings have been more frequent again. The difference being, I'm not going as part of the group of single friends of the bride and/or groom (with one exception). I'm going, often, as the only single person over the age of 30 at the wedding. And, I'm discovering that makes a difference.

People expect there to be young adults at a wedding that are single. And, some of the things that have traditionally been a part of weddings for those who are single are still fun at that point.

But, as an older single adult, things are different. And, I'm grateful that some of those things haven't been part of recent weddings. Being called out as single at a wedding isn't fun at this point, so seeing those traditions left behind is a relief. 

I'm happy to see no bouquet tosses to the single women in attendance, or garter tosses to the single men. I'm just going to say it: those suck at my age, because it never fails that some well-meaning person at the wedding will make a big deal about the older single adult at the wedding getting up there, whether they want to or not.

Because a wedding is about two people coming together, they are often filled with unspoken and unacknowledged assumptions that make sense for those coming with a partner.

I've written about this before in other settings, but even in how seating is set up in even numbers is a challenge. When things are rigidly set up in even numbers, there isn't a space for the older single adult who comes to the wedding. They are seated with the young adults, or, maybe even worse, they're treated as the strange family member or friend, and left basically alone.

Thankfully in the weddings this last year, I've been seated with other friends in the room - even if it made the tables an odd number of people. It makes it easier to feel like you belong, at least a little bit, in a space focused on couples.

The other thing that I've noticed is challenging to navigate is a dance at a wedding. Depending on how this is done, it can be incredibly isolating for the older single adults in attendance - especially if they like to dance. 

It's one thing to dance with your friends - whether single or married - when you're a young adult. But, something changes when you're older and still single. There's not the same options of those to dance with in the group. Many couples will dance only with each other.

A thing I'm noticing is having some sort of a dance lesson as part of the dance. Can I just be honest and say that, unless this is done very carefully, it's a part of the wedding celebration that calls out those who are single and isolates them completely. If the dance is a partner dance, the older single adult is sitting on the sidelines - almost always by themselves - feeling like they don't actually belong in the space.

At one of these recent weddings, I experienced the dance and dance lesson happening in a very welcoming way for everyone there. It was a wedding for a friend who was single longer and we talked on many occasions on how to navigate life, church, family, and any other aspect of life as a single adult often. Somehow, this friend structured the dance lesson and subsequent dance in such a way that everyone was able to participate and enjoy the dancing. Maybe it helped that there were many more older single adults at this wedding than some others . . .

But, I wonder if being intentional about not inviting people to grab their partner to start the dance lesson can help. Maybe mixing in a large number of line dances, group dance songs . . . places to include everyone, even if they came to the wedding alone, in the dancing.

There are some areas of life that are more challenging to navigate as a single adult. And weddings can definitely be one of them.

I don't have solutions to all the challenges or prescriptions for how things should be done, but maybe we can have a conversation. Maybe as we have the conversation, we can learn and grow together.

Seeing Single Adults in the Church

 Since I wrote my last post I've been thinking about how we can do a better job including everyone in something that seems like it should be simple. But, in reality, it's not that easy.

I received a message after my last post asking if what I wrote meant I was saying that singles should have been one of the days' prayer prompts. The answer is yes. That signals single adults, are see seen, valued, and supported.

As I say that, I can picture some of cringing; others a little confused. Cringing because you've experienced singles being mentioned in any way in the church negatively and you don't want that to happen again. Confused because you don't know how that would be done.

The concern is valued. As a church, we haven't always handled singleness well. In fact, we've done, usually unintentionally, some very hurtful things when it comes to single adults in the church. So, the thought of bringing it up this way is scary. It feels like a set up for hurt . . . again. I feel that, even as I write this.

But, we have to take the chance, because we can't continue to fail to even mention this growing segment of our churches. If we're going to learn to do this well, we have to start with learning to do it all. As we learn, we need to do it by including the voices of single adults. Invite them into the conversation and let them lead in helpful directions.

As we learn to see and intentionally include single adults, there are two extremes we must avoid. Both are part of the unhelpful ways single adults in the church have been seen when they are mentioned.

The first unhelpful thing to avoid is to make an assumption that have lots of "extra" time for things and should fill whatever "holes" exist in church ministries. I've heard more people than I could count tell me I should step up to fill a need for volunteers "because you're single and have more time"  - even if it's something where I know my involvement would not help the need. In every case, the words have been said by someone who has no idea what my life is filled with.

While I may have a bit more flexibility in when I do things, I don't somehow have more time. After work, I am the only one to handle all the household tasks, vehicle maintenance, grocery shopping. And I still have a family I love and help. Then, there's the ministry things I have said yes to that I know I should be doing. I'm not sitting at home every evening just wondering what I should do with my time.

The second thing we must avoid is disqualifying single adults from leading or serving in specific areas just because they're single. I haven't personally experienced this, but I know some how have. Obviously, someone who has never been married probably shouldn't be leading a marriage course, but most for everything else marital status shouldn't matter. It we're going to see and value the single adults in our churches, we can't use their marital status to disqualify them.

So, how do I wrap this up?

A few things to move us forward:

1. Start talking specifically about single adults in our churches. Invite single adults to be a part of how that is communicated.

2. Avoid making assumptions about the life of single adults. Take time to get to know them as people.

3. Learn how to journey together and learn from each other. We won't do this perfectly, but we have to start somewhere if things are going to change.