Seeing Single Adults in the Church

 Since I wrote my last post I've been thinking about how we can do a better job including everyone in something that seems like it should be simple. But, in reality, it's not that easy.

I received a message after my last post asking if what I wrote meant I was saying that singles should have been one of the days' prayer prompts. The answer is yes. That signals single adults, are see seen, valued, and supported.

As I say that, I can picture some of cringing; others a little confused. Cringing because you've experienced singles being mentioned in any way in the church negatively and you don't want that to happen again. Confused because you don't know how that would be done.

The concern is valued. As a church, we haven't always handled singleness well. In fact, we've done, usually unintentionally, some very hurtful things when it comes to single adults in the church. So, the thought of bringing it up this way is scary. It feels like a set up for hurt . . . again. I feel that, even as I write this.

But, we have to take the chance, because we can't continue to fail to even mention this growing segment of our churches. If we're going to learn to do this well, we have to start with learning to do it all. As we learn, we need to do it by including the voices of single adults. Invite them into the conversation and let them lead in helpful directions.

As we learn to see and intentionally include single adults, there are two extremes we must avoid. Both are part of the unhelpful ways single adults in the church have been seen when they are mentioned.

The first unhelpful thing to avoid is to make an assumption that have lots of "extra" time for things and should fill whatever "holes" exist in church ministries. I've heard more people than I could count tell me I should step up to fill a need for volunteers "because you're single and have more time"  - even if it's something where I know my involvement would not help the need. In every case, the words have been said by someone who has no idea what my life is filled with.

While I may have a bit more flexibility in when I do things, I don't somehow have more time. After work, I am the only one to handle all the household tasks, vehicle maintenance, grocery shopping. And I still have a family I love and help. Then, there's the ministry things I have said yes to that I know I should be doing. I'm not sitting at home every evening just wondering what I should do with my time.

The second thing we must avoid is disqualifying single adults from leading or serving in specific areas just because they're single. I haven't personally experienced this, but I know some how have. Obviously, someone who has never been married probably shouldn't be leading a marriage course, but most for everything else marital status shouldn't matter. It we're going to see and value the single adults in our churches, we can't use their marital status to disqualify them.

So, how do I wrap this up?

A few things to move us forward:

1. Start talking specifically about single adults in our churches. Invite single adults to be a part of how that is communicated.

2. Avoid making assumptions about the life of single adults. Take time to get to know them as people.

3. Learn how to journey together and learn from each other. We won't do this perfectly, but we have to start somewhere if things are going to change.