Singles in All Ministries

 Last week I wrote about the need for churches to have singles' ministries. This week, I want to talk about what some people seem as an opposing thought . . . 

but I don't think that's what it is.

What am I talking about?

The need for singles to be fully involved and welcomed in all areas of the church. A singles' ministry should not be the only place we feel welcome. We need singles in every area of church life - except for marriage specific stuff.

This does seem to happen in most things. We don't ask about marital status for men's and women's events, or to decide on who to allow or not allow to serve.

But, there is one area where we don't always seem to include singles well. One area where the language and the way we communicate excludes singles . . .

I don't think we're aware of it when it happens. Or that we're doing it intentionally.

Most churches have small groups (community groups, care groups, etc) that meet in homes throughout the week. And there's always encouragement to join and get involved in one. It's a good thing. A necessary thing.

But, if not in the info about the group, then in conversation with the group leader or host, singles are made to feel unwelcome in the group. Sometimes, even directly excluded from the group. (Again, I'm not talking about marriage specific groups - I'm talking about many small groups in general.)

We write the words "busy families" and "couples" into our descriptions of small groups, at the same time as we tell people these groups are open to all adults. I understand wanting a small group to be people you connect with. And we should be clear about what is bringing the specific group together. But, if every small group description has that language, it can imply that singles aren't actually welcome in our small groups. 

And that can be enough to hinder a single person who already finds it challenging enough to show up to something alone. When the description is written to families and couples, there's a large and growing segment of our churches who are left out.

But, it can also be more direct in making the single person fell not really welcome. This next example may seem a little extreme, but I'm recounting an experience shared with me by another single person. I am leaving out any identifying details - to protect all in this.

They were fairly new to a church and inquired about a small group to join. In a conversation with a leader of a potential group, they were asked if they were married. When they answered no, they were told that while they could still join the group, if they were the first person to arrive for the meeting, they would have to wait in their car until one of the other couples arrived to be able to go in. 

Upon further conversation, they learned this requirement was just for them because they were single. One person from one of the couples could arrive alone and just go in, even if they were the first one to arrive. 

Needless to say, they didn't join that group, as it didn't really feel like they would be welcomed.

I get having rules to protect marriages. If I show up at a friends' house and only their husband is home, I'm not going to go in and stay for a while - that's not a good choice. But, when I arrive somewhere by myself, I don't have to wait for more people to go in to a friends' house.

Just as we need ministries and groups for different demographics, we need groups that bring people together across those lines. We have much to learn from each other when we're together. 

And we need to be willing to pay attention to and remove the barriers we've created - whether they were intentional or unintentional - where they're not actually necessary.