Why I Tore up my "True Love Waits" Pledge Card

The "True Love Waits" pledge card . . . signed in January 1998 at a youth group evening is now in 15-20 pieces on the table beside me. I found it tucked in the front of the Bible I used when I was in high school. As I pulled it out, I decided it was time to tear it up.

Not because I'm walking away from what the Bible says about sex and purity.

Not because I don't believe in waiting for marriage.

I actually tore it up precisely because I want live according to God's Word on this. And, while the intentions behind the "purity culture" of my youth were good, I don't believe it was actually about living according to God's teaching anyways.

For some, this might seem strange. But, probably not to many of you who grew up in church youth groups in the 1990s. There was a strong movement that, on the surface, seemed to be about biblical principles for sex and purity. This included signing pledge cards that we would wait for marriage and, for girls, wearing rings that said "true love waits" on the ring finger of your left hand.

Much has been written in recent years about this and what the results of growing up in this "purity culture" have been. And my experiences with it and my own study of Scripture are exactly what led me to tear up this card when I found it.

I tore it up because I no longer see it as being a commitment to live God's way in this area of life. It may have started with Scripture, but so much was added to it that it became just rules and legalism, with sometimes implied and sometimes spoken guarantees for following through that don't actually occur anywhere in Scripture. It's caused a lot of harm to a lot of people and I no longer want to be a part of that.

For some, it may sound strange that it's taken just over 20 years for me to see this. The truth is, until the last 4 or 5 years, I didn't even look at my beliefs in this area of life. I just accepted what I had been taught in church growing up. It was only when I began getting involved with another ministry at my church that spoke to this topic that I first began to question some of what I'd been taught. As I looked again at the Scriptures used and compared what I was hearing and reading in them now with what I'd been taught growing up, I noticed some things I could no longer ignore.

All the teaching I'd heard growing up had definitely started with Scripture. The starting place was good and right. The problem came in what was placed on top of these scriptural truths. The things we were subsequently taught about how to live a life of sexual purity. This is where man-made ideas were taught as being on par with Scripture - as the way we should live.

As I began to realize I'd bought into these lies, I had to begin the process of untangling what was truth from Scripture from what was man-made additions to Scripture. This was a more complicated process than I imagined. I had to acknowledge where my beliefs were wrong and find what Scripture said. And I had to come face-to-face with the fact that people I had trusted and loved had been part of teaching these beliefs. Although I still believe they had the best of intentions in what they taught, I still had to acknowledge that these were the people who had taught me this. I had to face that this was all part of the legalism I'd become bound by. It wasn't an easy thing to do and took much longer than I expected, but, it was also very necessary.

So, why do I share this now?

I know from conversations I've had with some I grew up with and what I've been watching play out in public in Christian circles, this is a struggle many people are facing. My hope in sharing my journey with this is that I can encourage others who are facing this journey themselves.