Dear Grandma

 As I walk through a year of firsts without my Grandma around, there are times and things that I reflect on. Tonight as I sit I'm reflecting on Easter and memories around it. Choosing to remember the good.

This post is the form of a letter to my Grandma.

Dear Grandma,

Today was Easter Sunday. I thought of you a lot today. The first Easter Sunday without you . . . except it had already been a few years since you were able to be at church or our family gathering. Not just because of COVID, the last few years, but even before that. Son, in some ways it was the first resurrection Sunday without you, and in other ways it wasn't. But, no matter what, I thought of you a lot today.

As we sang songs pointing to the resurrection and about eternity with Jesus, I pictured you today. Standing in Jesus' presence today. No more body or mind failing you. In the presence of your Savior forevermore. I could almost hear your voice singing praises to God, as I know you always loved to do here. 

In the midst of all the things we do on holidays, you always made sure we were reminded of the real reason why we gathered to celebrate. You always made sure we didn't forget. You pointed us to Jesus. On Easter Sunday, you pointed us to the empty tomb and our risen Savior.

As my Mom & I made the potatoes and got the ham ready, my mind was filled with memories of you in your kitchen. Always busy getting something ready, making sure nothing was missed for dinner. Even in your busy-ness of making sure it was all ready on time, you welcomed us grandkids into your kitchen to help. As we got older, I'm sure we actually helped, but sometimes I wonder if in those early years, we made more work for you by helping. Yet, you didn't turn us away when we wanted to help - you found something we could do.

As we sat at the table to eat together, I missed the large family gatherings at your house. This one was smaller . . . just 7 of us this day. It's been that way for a while. You were unable to come already by the time the thing happened that shrunk our family gatherings so much. I know that family was so important to you. As much as having us all in your house all day wore you out, I also remember the smile on your face when we all squeezed together to fit around the table. 

(And I remember how anyone in your reach had to watch their plate carefully. You never knew when you would decide someone hadn't eaten enough and would add more food to their plate when they weren't looking.)

Even, as I served my food today. I dutifully took at least one scoop of everything on the table. The "no thank you" helping (you always had to take one scoop of every dish on the table, no matter what, even if you didn't like it or didn't think you would) that was the rule at your house while I was growing up, still directs me when I'm serving food. I wasn't a fan of that rule as a kid, but it has served me well as an adult.

As we put the paska (Mennonite Easter bread), on the table after dinner, I noticed that no one had gotten the sprinkles out yet. I had to go and find them before we could eat it. I remembered how you always made sure there was an abundance of them on the paska before you served it. I never understood why, and I really still don't, but paska was always served with icing and sprinkles (yes, on bread . . . a sweet bread, but bread). And I will always eat it that way.

Today, I missed you. I missed your smile, your laugh, your hugs. I missed hearing you sing with joy as you celebrated our risen Savior. 

But, I know you were celebrating in a way I can only imagine right now. A way you weren't able to for so many years at the end. And that brings me joy in the midst of tears because you're not here with us anymore.

Love you always, 

Tamara

What If We Stopped Trying to Always Have an Answer for People's Struggling?

 "I'm really struggling with anxiety right now. I'm not sure I can handle going to that tonight."

"You just need to give it to Jesus. The Bible tells us to cast our anxieties on Jesus. You just need to do that to be okay."

That conversation, or a version of it, is one I've had more times than I can count in my life - and always where I was the one struggling with anxiety.

"My anxiety has been really high lately. I'm struggling to keep it under control and I don't know what to do."

"You should read Philippians 4:6-7. Those are good verses about how to deal with anxiety."

When you finally get the courage to let someone know you're struggling, and you get a few verses of Scripture essentially thrown at you and then the other person walks away.

In both of these conversations, the other person means well. They want to care and support, but they don't know how.

Why?

Because, far too often in the church, we've turned a struggle with mental illness into a faith issue. We read the verses that talk about anxiety and assume they apply to every person who struggles the exact same way.

We all have times when we get caught up in worry, caught up in some anxious thoughts about something. And, we can easily assume that everyone who talks about having anxiety is talking about exactly this.

But, for some of us, it goes beyond that. It's not just some anxious thoughts; it becomes something that controls our lives. We often know that the thoughts in our heads are irrational, that they've gone so much further than someone else's would. But, that doesn't mean we can stop them.

So, these words to give it to Jesus or to read Scripture feel like they fall short. Because they do; they don't acknowledge the full picture.

In a book I was reading on this recently, the author wrote about it this way:

"The problem is, we often confuse mental health with spiritual health, but the two are not one and the same. If anything, mental health has more in common with physical health than it does with spiritual health because the mind-body connection is on that can't be denied by modern science. The brain is a vital organ of the body, and when the brain is sick, it impacts every other part of the body. Mental illness doesn't reflect a character issue. it reflects a chemistry issue." (Debra Fileta, Are You Really OK?, pg. 160)

Changing how we respond to this in the church is important. And, it is something that has improved significantly in recent years in the church. We've come a long way, but we still have a ways to go.

When I bring this up with people in conversation, I often get the question of what they should do instead.

What is helpful? What can you do when someone says they're struggling with anxiety?

I'll be honest, I struggled for a while with knowing how to answer this question. What did I really need from someone when I said that?

But, I've realized that I actually have examples in my life of exactly what I do need in those times. From friends who did what I needed without them knowing they were doing it or me knowing I needed them to.

What did they do?

They sat with me. They let me know they were there and didn't try to fix it. They just let me know I wasn't alone in the struggle.

They were present with me, exactly as I was in the moment.

I think we often feel like we have to have a great response when someone tells us they're struggling. But, in doing so, we easily make other people's challenges out to be something simple and easily solved, when they're often much more difficult.

But, what if we learned to sit with people. To be present. And not feel like we always had to have an answer.

I think that can be much more powerful and encouraging for people.

When it Feels Like Your Prayer Isn't Being Answered

 Have you ever prayed for God to move in a situation only to feel like God didn't answer?

Have you ever asked God to heal someone and it seems like that healing doesn't come?

I'd say we can probably all answer yes to these questions. And answering yes, sometimes makes it hard to be bold enough to ask for anything else in our prayers.

But, what if I told you that God has answered those prayers you've prayed. 

How do you react to that? Does it bring you relief? Or do you have a list of situations where you're sure God didn't answer come immediately to mind?

If you can, put those objections to the side for a few minutes. Ask yourself these questions:

When I prayed, did I ask for God to work His will or did I pray that He would do exactly what I wanted, the way I wanted Him to do it?

Did I look for God to answer only exactly the way I thought He would? Or did I ask for evidence of Him at work?

This doesn't mean we don't pray bold prayers. It doesn't mean we don't ask God to heal people. But, we also keep ourselves open to God answering in ways we didn't expect.

We have a discussion about this at a Bible study I'm part of recently. We'd all had times when we prayed for God to do something only He could do and it felt like He hadn't answered. But, when we really started talking about at least some of the those times, we could see that God did work. It just didn't look exactly like we thought it should.

So, what happens then? How do we reconcile this with what Scripture says?

Jesus tells us to ask and He says that He will respond.

Matthew 7:7-11 says:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks the door will be opened.

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!"

It would be easy to read these verses and decide that God just gives us what we ask for exactly how we want it. And, while we often wouldn't say it out loud, we think this way and it's what leads to the disappointment when we feel like our prayers aren't being answered.

But, when we make that assumption, we miss something about what Jesus is saying here - something important.

Jesus is saying that the gifts God gives are good - often better than we imagine.

But, when we've decided how the answer to our prayer should look, we may miss out on how God is answering it - in His much better way. God's much better way may look different than what we would consider an answer. And we can miss it if we're only looking for a specific answer.

A few years ago, in a podcast I was listening to, I heard someone say, "God always answers our prayers for healing." They paused here for effect... and I got annoyed. They went on to say, "Sometimes that healing comes on earth and sometimes it doesn't come until the person needing healing is in heaven." We don't like that idea. We want the healing now. We want the family member, friend, restored. We don't want to lose them. But, there's truth to that. Healing on earth may not look like we expect, but it will be God's better plan.

I've been wrestling with this a lot recently. I have a few prayers that I have been praying for a while - some for a year, some for years longer than that - and it doesn't seem like God is answering them. But, when I became intentional about looking for how God might be working in ways I didn't expect, I began to see things I didn't see before. I saw how God was working. I may not see the results I want, but I can trust God that He is working. And that gives me boldness to keep praying those prayers.

So, where do you need to let go of your picture of what an answer to your prayer should look like and instead look for the ways God might be moving instead?