Is a Singles' Ministry Necessary?

 Should churches have ministries for singles?

This question brings a wide array of responses. Most are often strongly felt.

I'll get to how I answer the question specifically a little bit later. Before I get there, I want to talk a little more broadly.

If you take a look at a typical church calendar, you'll likely see an assortment of groups, programs, studies, and ministries filling it. Some of these open to anyone and others for specific demographics - kids, youth, young adults, men, women, seniors, etc. Those are pretty normal for us in a church. We've created programs and ministries that reach specific ages with relative ease, alongside things for all ages.

The purpose of why we've created all these things is to create space for community and connection. We're creating space for people to get to know each other and walk through life together.

If you look at a typical church calendar, you'll also see marriage groups and studies on it. But, one thing you rarely see is singles' ministries.

And that is a problem in my experience.

We create ministries and opportunities to connect for lots of specific groups in our churches. All in the name of creating the community we all need to really live the life God created us for. So, why have we not done this for singles?

Statistics show that single adults are a growing segment of the population in general, and those in our churches. But, except for some programs for those who are divorced or single parents, we don't typically provide other things. 

I'm not talking about a place to find people to date - although that may happen sometimes as a result of a singles ministry. I'm talking about a place to form friendships and community with people whose life circumstances are similar.

While I connect with many people from all life circumstances, and some of the people I call my closest friends are married, there's something about connecting with other people who are single past college-age. There's an understanding that those in my life who were married in their 20s just don't have because their experience is different. There's things you don't have to explain.

For this reason, I think we need singles ministries in our churches. Not as the only place for people who are single, but as part of the larger choice of ministries to get involved with.

Anxiety and the Church

 As today is a day where many are talking about mental health struggles, I'm taking a break this week from my series on singleness and the church to talk about another topic we still need to discuss more in the church.

Mental health struggles . . . depression . . . anxiety . . . and the church.

I think it's an important topic to discuss because it's misunderstood too often and the simplified answers or advice we give does more harm than good.

This is something I'm passionate about because I've lived this struggle. I go through life with social anxiety disorder and tendencies toward general anxiety. At times, individual people within the church have been very supportive and helpful. I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and acquaintances who had sought to better understand what this actually means and how they can love me best and walk through it with me.

These are the friends who follow me when I leave abruptly and sit with me when I' struggling. The friends who et me know they're with me. The friends who have sat outside with me in all kinds of weather. The friends who have offered the words of their prayers when I wasn't able to say them myself.

But, I've also, unfortunately, experienced judgement, a lack of caring, and accusations of not having enough faith in God when I've shared about this. While I have seen a much greater desire to understand and support people in the 20+ years I've lived knowing I have social anxiety disorder (although likely long before knowing that, it impacted me), there are times when I realize that there's still a ways to go in understanding it all. 

It really is a journey to learn and understand. It took me some time to really start to get it and I was living it. So, when it doesn't hit personally, I can only imagine that it takes more work.

So, where to start?

Let's start with the idea that a struggle with anxiety is a reflection of a lack of faith or trust in God. Honestly, this is probably the hardest thing to hear, because nothing could be further from the truth. The truth, my struggle with anxiety has driven me to trust God and call out to Him more than pretty much anything else in my life. It's how I get through the hard days. And I've talked to enough Christians who also live with anxiety to know that it's true for many. 

I often wonder if part of our struggle is how broad the definition of anxiety is. But, we take a one-size-fits-all approach to how we understand the word. 

According to the Meriam-Webster Dictionary, anxiety is defined like this:

apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill

medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

mentally distressing concern or interest

That's a pretty broad definition that encompasses many things. From the force that gets you to move quickly out of the way of a car coming at you, to the everyday worries and concerns that we all deal with, to a fear that completely paralyzes you. I think this is one of the reasons why we struggle to handle conversations about anxiety well and have so much misunderstanding.

We hear the word anxiety and, rather than trying to understand what the person means by it, we jump straight to verses like Philippians 4:6-7 and 1 Peter 5:7 as the solution. And those are great verses from Scripture, filled with truth and great practices for all of us to incorporate into our lives.

But, there's so much more that anxiety could be. We often use the word to describe an actual medical disorder, where our brains don't work like they should. I know I have often said "I have anxiety" rather than an anxiety disorder and that has contributed to some of the unhelpful conversations I've had.

Maybe we need to learn to ask a little more and then listen to what someone says when they start talking about anxiety, before we make assumptions about what they actually mean.

So, why is just quoting a couple of Scriptures or telling someone to pray or have more faith a problem?

It's presenting a simplified answer to something that's usually much more complex. 

Sure, the Scripture you quote is absolutely true.

Yes, prayer can help.

And faith in God is definitely important.

But, if I (and others) say I'm anxious in that moment, my brain is likely going so crazy I can't focus enough to read my Bible or pray much. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to try to maintain some semblance of control on the outside.

I don't need direction on what I should do. I need support as I walk through it. I just need to know you care.

So, what can we do to handle this better in the church?

1. Ask what someone means by anxiety before we throw Scripture or other directives at them.
2. Pray for them while you're with them.
3. Most of all, stop before we make assumptions about someone's faith and trust in God.

The Church is the Bride of Christ . . . Not Me as an Individual

 The verse I've had quoted to me the most when I express a desire to be married is one that is taken out of context to try to present a solution. 

The challenge is, I'm not looking for the person I'm talk to for a solution to that desire. I'm looking for someone to listen and acknowledge that unfulfilled desire I expressed.

But, more than I wish someone would just listen, I with the context for the Scripture quoted would be paid attention to. We do ourselves a dis-service in our understanding of Scripture when we take verses out of context. We miss the richness of Scripture and what God is actually saying.

The context of a verse is vitally important to understanding it properly. The verses around it, the book of the Bible, and the Bible as a whole play a big part in how we understand a particular verse. We need to look at it all before we quote a verse or part of a verse as an answer to someone.

So, now that that's out of the way, what verse am I talking about?

It's actually just six words out of a verse. Isaiah 54:5 begins this way: "For your Maker is your husband . . ." I can't count the number of times I've had these words said to me, typically prefaced by, "well, you know the Bible says . . ." when I express a desire for a husband. 

Not only do these words ignore or belittle the desire I just expressed, they misappropriate a few words of Scripture.

These words in Isaiah are spoken to the nation of Israel, not to individuals. Isaiah is talking about the hope to come for the nation. These are God's words to the nation He has chosen out of all the nations on earth at the time.

When I've pushed back on the use of these words from Isaiah, I've often received the comment that we are the bride of Christ so it applies today. Except, again Scripture talks about the church as the bride of Christ, not individuals. We get things confused when we try to make things that apply to the church as a whole, apply to the individual.

It doesn't mean there's nothing in Scripture that applies to the individual. But, I think we need to be careful that our individualistic culture doesn't cause us to to misapply what is written in Scipture by assuming it's all about the individual.

So, what do we do with this?

Ultimately, it comes down to listening and being present with people instead of looking for a verse or two to throw at them.

You may not understand the specific unfulfilled desire I'm expressing, but I know that if you're human you have desires and things you're waiting for. In those moments, you can draw on that experience to encourage someone.

But, most of all, don't take Scripture out of context to try to present a solution. That hurts more than you just being there with me.

A Simple Thing to Do

As I've been writing about singleness the last couple months, I've had a couple of experiences that made me think about what this looks like from a practical perspective.

They have made me see how our lack of understanding of singleness in the church has translated into actions that unintentionally push singles, and sometimes others, to the outside, making them feel unwelcome. I think that's often our biggest danger, the unintentional fall out from what we do or don't do.

The context of the experiences I had, all came back to one very simple thing and the message that can be sent.

What is it?

How we set up chairs at tables.

Hove you ever paid attention to how chairs are typically placed around a table?

It's almost exclusively an even number of chairs. 

I get it. It's pleasing to look at. It's practical, because that fits comfortably.

But, let me give you a different perspective for a minute.

Picture yourself walking into a room alone.

You're expected to find a seat at a table, knowing that it's likely most chairs in the room will be filled.

You finally take a seat at a table with some people you know well enough. 

As the tables begin to fill up, you're watching people walk up to the table you're seated at and sigh because there's only room for one more person. 

Because you chose to sit at a table, there's now an unspoken assumption and frustration that the table won't work as was set up. Unless someone else coming alone finds your table and takes a seat, that last chair will either remain empty or be filled by someone who isn't sitting with who they thought or planned to when they came.

When I've shared this example with people, at times I've gotten some unhelpful and hurtful, even if well-intended suggestions. The most common being that I should move to accommodate the couple. I get that answer; it may seem like a logical thought, but it undervalues me as a person.

It likely took some pushing past doubts about whether I should go and questions about whether I'm welcome for me to actually come alone. I arrived early enough that I hopefully find a seat with some people I know and would be able to have a conversation with. But, now I'm told, because I'm the single person at the table, that I should be the one to give that up and just go sit wherever there's room for someone else.

That's doesn't really feel fair or inclusive. The result of the assumption being that I should just move is that I'm told my need for connection isn't as important as other peoples' - as those who are coming as couples. It says that this event was actually designed for couples, even if it's something that should be for all, and I only get to be a part of it if there's room. It says I'm outside the norm and I don't belong.

I know this is a more common feeling than even I imagined. Recently, I was at a gathering of single Christians and I watched body language tell me the same thing over and over again as people arrived. People were arriving at a church event, and even if they weren't conscious of it, they were arriving with some worry or concern over where they would sit. 

But, as they realized every other person there was in the same situation, they relaxed. You could see it on many people. There was no awkwardness over being the single person in a group of couples in a space set up for couples. No tables that no longer "worked" because they chose to sit there.

The solution is not to just segregate all our of events by marital status. That may work for some things, but doing so for everything will just divide the church and we'll all be worse off because of it.

So, my questions for us to consider:

How can we set up our spaces to be more welcoming to the singles who are a part of it?

What if we set up some tables with an odd number of chairs at them? A subtle indication we're not expecting everyone who comes to be coming as part of a couple.

Are there other small things we can do make everyone, regardless of marital status, feel welcome at things?

Singleness: Season? Gift? Or . . . ?

Have you ever told someone or had someone tell you that singleness was a season?

How about a gift?

Likely you were trying to encourage someone, or they were trying to encourage you if you answered yet. It was meant with the best of intentions.

But, what if I told you that neither of those were helpful or encouraging?

In fact, they don't line up with what Scripture says.

Let's start with the idea of telling someone singleness is a season. This actually starts with a massive assumption on our part. It assumes that the person you're talking to will get married one day. For it to be a season, there has to be an end to it at some point.

Joy Beth Smith puts it better than I can in her book Party of One:

"The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here as something to be endured, not celebrated. . . . Singleness is not a season with a guaranteed end in this life. And we can't spend our days trying to wait it out, constantly looking for what we hope is coming next."

We talk about seasons where we struggle as being hard seasons where we hope the end will come. And, even if we don't like how the season ends, we can count on it having an end. But, that's not always so with singleness. We go through the various seasons of life - both hard and joyful and everything in between - while we are still single. Single isn't a season that lines up with what we're talking about when we say this.

So, if singleness isn't a season, is it a spiritual gift?

Again, this makes an assumption that marriage is the norm and that remaining single requires some sort of special dispensation from God.

Too often I've seen singleness put on a list of spiritual gifts alongside others we would see in 1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12, Ephesians 4, and 1 Peter 4. But, this doesn't fit. All the gifts in these passages are for the edification and building up of the church, and for reaching out with the message of the gospel. I'm not sure how singleness fits on that list. If we're putting singleness on this list, then we should be putting marriage on the list as well, but that never seems to happen.

This also says nothing of the practical and very struggles for many singles with being single and people calling it a gift.

"Two problems arise if we continue to think about singleness as being a special kind of calling. First, it will make large numbers of single people feel as though life hasn't started yet. They're single but don't perceive themselves as having the gift of singleness. They're in a situation they're not designed for or called to. Life feels as though it is in limbo until God notices he's accidentally 'misfiled' us as being single and fixes things. That's when things will feel like they've finally got going, but until then they're just kicking around.'

Second, it causes undue pressure to get married, especially for those single people not perceived to have that gift. If you're single and don't have the 'gift of singleness,' then you're not pulling your weight. You should be married by now." (Sam Allberry, 7 Myths about Singleness)

By telling someone singleness is a gift, we put people who don't feel like they have the gift of singleness in an awkward place to be.

So, maybe we need to handle singleness like we do marriage. As one of many facts about a person, rather than trying to assign it some sort of special significance.