Sometimes I Just Want to Avoid this Part of Church

Greeters at the door when you walk in the building.

Ushers at the door when you go to find a seat.

At some point during the service someone up front will tell you to introduce yourself to the people around you.

I get why. I see the importance of making sure everyone feels welcome. And it's part of being the family of God to actually get to know each other, and that often starts with a simple greeting. It is an important part of what we do as a church. If you came to the Bible study I lead on a Monday night, you would find me doing exactly these things.

But, it's also the part of church I struggle with the most. In a typical service, at least three times I feel like I have to make brief conversation with people I may or may not know. I'll be honest that I do my best to avoid it sometimes. Sometimes that's just easier for me, because of how I'm managing that day.

And, the unfortunate reality is that, sometimes, the responses of people when I do need to avoid that part that time are far from helpful. When I've chosen to sit down while everyone else is greeting each other, I've had some people make it a big deal about coming over to shake my hand then. Of course, I smile back and shake their hand, but inside I'm dying. I've had greeters follow me to make sure they say hi to me and shake my hand. Again, I respond in as friendly a manner as I can muster, but inside I'm wishing I could just run.

I don't assume people are trying to make things hard for me on purpose. My assumption is that they have a desire to make sure everyone feels welcome. And, in the process of doing so, they don't even realize that they're actually making me feel unwelcome. I can end up feeling singled out or overwhelmed - like there's something wrong with me because I sometimes have a need to avoid these types of interactions.

For me, it's the reality of living with social anxiety disorder and still being a part of a community. Some days when I go to something at church, I don't have the capability or capacity to engage in these sorts of interactions because it is taking all I have in me just to be there. I know I still need to be in church community, but, to manage, I will do my best to avoid these situations. I'm not trying to be rude, although I know it may look like it sometimes; I'm simply trying to have as normal a life as I possibly can.

And there are other times when I'll engage with these parts of church more readily. They may still be difficult for me, but that day isn't a struggle just to be there, so I have some capacity for this. And I know that the more I do so, when I'm able to, the more it will help to manage in the more difficult times.

I've spent a few days trying to figure out how to end this post, but really haven't been able to come up with a way to end. I'm not even sure there really is some neat conclusion or helpful advice I can end with. This is one of those things where we need to keep doing these things, because they are important. But, there are also always going to be people who struggle with them and try to avoid them.

When I think about my purpose in writing this post, which usually gives me some way of ending, I think it is about sharing an experience of things that falls outside of what many people experience. This isn't about just not enjoying these sorts of things and wishing they wouldn't happen. This is about an anxiety that comes in social situations that actually makes it more difficult to engage in these "normal activities."

Sharing Pain & Joy

I've been thinking a lot about our need for connection with others lately. It's what we need. We're looking for a place where we really belong with others.

But this looking for connection, for a place to belong only comes when we learn how to show up for people and with people. In the good times and the hard times. In the times were it's easy to show up and in the times when it's difficult of uncomfortable to show up.

It's easy, or at least easier most of the time, to show up for joy-filled celebrations. To celebrate with others. We seem to do better at this than at showing up when it's hard.

But, we struggle to know how to show up when things are hard. In her book Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown puts it this way:

"Not enough of us know how to sit in pain with others. Worse, our discomfort shows up in ways that can hurt people and reinforce their own isolation."

Later on in the same chapter, she calls this a ministry of presence.

"An experience of collective pain does not deliver us from grief or sadness; it is a ministry of presence. These moments remind us that we are not alone in our darkness and that our broken heart is connected to every heart that has known pain since the beginning of time."

The book isn't written as what we would call a "Christian book" today, yet she still saw fit to call this a ministry of presence. Speaking to how powerful it is to have people show up in our hard times, in our pain and just be there with us.

It's not about saying or doing something specific, or the right thing. It's not about having an answer or a solution to fix the problem. It's not even about how close you were before this time.

It's about being willing to just be with someone. To just sit with them and not try to solve the situation or make them happy again. It's acknowledging their pain and what they're feeling and being okay with that not changing right away.

I think our struggle to show up sometimes comes because we feel vulnerable ourselves. Because we're not sure how to handle our own joy or pain, we get scared of others' joy or pain. It requires courage for us to show up, for us to have a ministry of presence.

How are you doing at showing up for people in both joyful and painful times?

Our Need for Real Friendship

I've been reading in 1 Samuel recently. There are a couple of chapters that I think show us a vitally important part of life for all of us. 1 Samuel 19 & 20 reveal the depth of friendship that David and Jonathan had.

These chapters take place at a time when David's life is threatened by King Saul, Jonathan's father. At the start of these two chapters David is still present in Saul's service, by they end with David running for his life. Throughout David and Jonathan's interactions, you see the depth of their friendship.

At first, Jonathan didn't want to believe that his father wanted to kill David, so he set out to find out the truth for both of them. When Jonathan did learn that his father really did want to kill David, he said his tearful good-bye to David and sent him away. The tears that both David and Jonathan cried revealed how much they cared for each other. They didn't know when or if they would see each other again when they said this good-bye.

When I look at David and Jonathan's friendship, I see something that I think we need more of in our lives today. We're constantly connected through our phones and social media, but we've lost the real connection with people that we need. We're lonely despite this seeming constant connection.

I think what we're missing is the depth of friendship that we see in David and Jonathan. Most, if not all of our connections, are only at a surface level. We manage what others see, but that keeps everyone at a distance.

I think Brene Brown explains the issue well in her book, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone.

"We experience loneliness when we feel disconnected. Maybe we've been pushed to the outside of a group that we value, or maybe we're lacking a sense of belonging. At the hear of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction."

We need people in our lives who we care about and who care about us. And to care about one another we have to allow people past our carefully managed social media personas. We have to be willing to be vulnerable and let people in.

To Quote Brene Brown again:

"To combat loneliness, we must first learn to identify it and to have the courage to see that experience as a warning sign. Our response to that warning sign should be to find connection."

And we're only going to have those people to find connection with if we do the work of finding people we can learn to trust. We need friends like David and Jonathan were for each other. Friends we have fun and laugh with. And friends we can cry with and share the hard parts of life as well.

How are you doing at developing real connections with people? The kind of connections that combat loneliness?

What the Church Does Well

As I've looked over my last few posts, I've realized that I've spent a lot of time talking about where we have issues and challenges we need to address in the church. These are things I'm passionate about and it's easy to write about them. But, I'm also passionate about what the church does well and I want to point out the good I see as well.

I think it's especially important that what is done well is acknowledged, especially when it comes to how the church works with singles who are a part of their community. When things are challenging, we can miss the good because we're so focused on the other.

My perspective on this one may be more limited than on some other things. I write based on my own experiences, and in this case I've only ever been a part of two churches in my life. And one of those churches was while I was away at Bible college. Outside of my experience, it's based on what I've gleaned from conversations with singles at other churches.

Probably the thing I appreciate most is that everything is not segregated along the lines of married and single. Of course there are things that happen that are specific to marriages. But, everything else is open to everyone and all are welcome regardless of their marital status. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but I do know that it could often be easier to draw those lines and remove some challenges.

I also appreciate the people in the church who seek to understand and to make everyone feel welcome. I've had enough experiences of feeling like the odd one out, that I truely appreciate those who make everyone feel welcome. At so many events at the church, it can feel awkward to take a seat at a table as a single person because that means unless another person who has come alone (whether single or married) sits at that same table, you've given the table an odd number of people. I appreciate the people who invite me to join their table at something and don't make a big deal out of things.