Why Loneliness is Different for Singles: Part 1

If loneliness is such a big problem in the West, why do I approach it from the perspective of singleness? Is there really a difference?

These are questions I've asked myself as I've looked at this topic. I wanted to make sure I wasn't saying something was a factor if it really wasn't. As I've studied, read, and talked to others, I've come to the conclusion that there is a lot about loneliness that is different for singles. There are things about it that need to be addressed.

Some of these things become even more pronounced the older we get as singles. My own experiences make that clear. When I was just finished college and living with roommates my experience of loneliness was different in some ways than it is now, living completely on my own. And I think that makes it even more important to talk about it from the perspective of a since Christian adult - past college and the first few years after college.

In her book, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church, Gina Dalfonzo expresses it this way:

". . . single people know a unique kind of loneliness."

So, what is this unique kind of loneliness that we face as singles?

I think the bog difference comes in the priority put on relationships with others. This priority doesn't mean we don't value our friends, or value our family. But, how that value plays out looks different for singles.

As Sam Allberry writes in his books 7 Myths about Singleness:

"As a single person, my friends are a lifeline. They're like family. They are the ones with whom I fell more known and loved. . . . I need them. Hugely. But, the fact is, they don't need me in the same way. Many of them are the equivalent of family, but since they have families of their own, the familial sense that I have toward them is not necessarily reciprocated. That might be both good and right, as far as it goes, but it can also be painful at times."

I have good relationships with my family and I am lucky they live in the same city as me, but that's not the case for lots of singles. I relate to what Allberry writes - even with family in the same city. Other singles, who don't have family nearby, relate even more.

I would never say that your family isn't and shouldn't be important for you. But, it does make it hard for singles sometimes who don't have the same family commitment to fill time. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've sat at home knowing my friends are rightly spending time with their families while I long for that to fill my loneliness.

Another part of loneliness that I believe is different for singles comes when we look at the need to always make plans. In her book Singles and the Church Jana Marguerite Bennett writes:

"There is a difference in having someone constantly present, without having to contact a friend and make special arrangements."

This is something that has become a more emphasized difference as I've gotten older. When I had just finished college and still lived with roommates, there was usually someone present and it didn't take special planning to do something. But, the older you get, the more likely it is that you live alone as a single person. And that changes things.

Sometimes it would be nice to not always have to contact someone to not be alone. It would be nice if it happened more easily, or if another friend would initiate the plans more often. I'll be honest that it gets tiring to be the one who is almost always asking to get together. It makes me feel like a nuisance and like no one would notice me if I didn't ask. I know this isn't the intended message, but it feels like this sometimes.

Why is Loneliness a Problem?

"I submit that fear of loneliness is, if not the driving force of our time, at least one of the greatest forces." (Gina Dalfonzo, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church)

We know what it means to feel lonely from our experiences. If I asked you to describe it, you could probably tell me about an experience of it. We all do everything we can to avoid it.

So, if we know that, why as I writing a post on why loneliness is a problem?

Going back to the words I quoted at the beginning of this post: if fear of loneliness is a driving force of our time, then we need to take a look at how we deal with the fear.

The problem is that what we often seek as the solution to loneliness doesn't really satisfy. And then the feelings of loneliness we experience drive us to do whatever we think will mean we're not lonely any more. Except that it doesn't fix it. And we find ourselves caught in this endless loop of frantic activity because we fear being lonely.

I know this well. I've lived in this endless cycle before. In fact, the realization I was living in it and a desire to stop prompted me to take a closer look at this.

I've that, for me, usually the best place to start with a topic is understanding what the key words mean. I started with looking up the definition of the word lonely.

Here's what the Merraim-Webster Dictionary had for a definition of the word lonely:
          1.a) being without company: lone
             b) cut off from others: solitary
          2. not frequented by human beings: desolate
          3. sad from being alone: lonesome
          4. producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

Not a very positive definition. And not words we want to hear used to describe us.

The past of that definition that relates to what I'm talking about here is #3: "sad from being alone: lonesome." In my study and in my conversations that seemed to fit most with what was coming up.

And that makes it something we do everything in our power to avoid, because we don't want to feel that sadness. It also made it interesting to have these conversations with people. We don't like to talk about it in general. But, once I asked the question and created space for it, people had more to say on the topic that I expected.

I noticed an interesting and troubling connection in these conversations. Jana Marguerite Bennett explains it well in her book Singleness and the Church:

"Loneliness is also a problem that people might wish to avoid. One scholar suggests: 'the very word 'lonely' carries a negative connotation . . . signalling social weakness, or an inability to stand on one's own.' So, too, singleness becomes a problem, partly because of its associations with loneliness."

Since we see loneliness as a problem to avoid, the association of it with singleness means we often begin to see singleness as a problem too. We do one of two things because of our fear of loneliness: (1) we push single Christian adults away, or (2) we present marriage as the answer to their loneliness.

As Bennett writes earlier in the introduction to her book:

"No wonder singleness appears as lonely, because for Christians it often is. In addition to the suspicion cast on single lives, church culture promotes marriage and coupledom even to the point that some singles stop attending church."

I talked to many other Christian adult singles who talked about loneliness because they felt forgotten or pushed out by the church; or, when they did say something about their loneliness, they were told to "just get married" as the solution. (Church experiences obviously varied widely on all that I say when I talk about what I've heard - from really good to really bad and everything in between.) This is a huge contributor to the loneliness epidemic in our culture, in our churches, and specifically among single adult Christians in our churches.

The good news is that there is hope for change. As Bennett writes:

"Loneliness need not be a part of the single life."

But for it not to be, we have to understand and do things differently. That's ultimately what I want to write about in this series.

One of the Greatest Challenges of Our Society Today

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved."
                                                                                                 -Mother Teresa


Words of wisdom and challenge from a woman who lived and ministered in the midst of some of the greatest material poverty on this planet.

As I've wrestled with and continued to read and study about singles in the church, there is one topic that continually rises to the surface.

More than anything about sex and purity.

More than anything about often being stuck with young adult or college-age groups, long past that age, because some churches don't know what to do with us.

More than anything about the marriage and family emphasis, and in some case dare I say over-emphasis, in churches.

More than anything about the struggles of balancing work, home, extended family, and friends all on your own.

What is that topic?

Loneliness.

And it shouldn't surprise us. The Western World is caught up in the throes of a loneliness epidemic. In our hyper-connected, always-on world, we lonely like we've never been before.

We live in a world where we have hundreds of "friends" or followers, but few, if any, real connections. Many of those friends or followers are only surface relationships at best. We've bought the lie we've been told that we don't need anyone and we're paying a high price now.

It's easy to read what I've written, see it in the world out there, and think we're safe from it in the church. But, the reality is, the church has exactly the same problem.

Our churches are filled with lonely people. And, those of you reading this are likely among that group - at least sometimes.

We don't have to read Scripture for long to see that we need each other. Almost anywhere you turn, you read about our need for relationship and community with others. God didn't intend for us to do it alone.

A quick online search on loneliness brings up countless articles on the health effects of loneliness and the harm it does to us. Our society is waking up to the problem of loneliness. But, in all the reading I've done of these articles, there have been no solutions offered. The problem is clear, but the solutions aren't.

In every book and article I've read on singleness and the church in the last six months, loneliness is the topic that keeps coming up. It's obvious that loneliness is a problem in the West in general. but, I think it's even more of a problem for Christian singles in the West. In saying that, I'm not discounting the loneliness any one of us feels, at least some times. But, as I've read, reflected on my own experiences, and talked to other singles about this, I've started to see a few things that are important.

Much of what I say will apply to all, regardless of whether we're single or married. But, some of it comes specifically from the perspective of a single person.

I don't yet know how many posts will come on this topic. As I get deeper into it, ti's becoming bigger and more intriguing that I imagined. But, there will be at least a few posts to come.

As I finish this for today, I want to leave you with a thought from Sam Allberry from his book 7 Myths About Singleness:

"Our deepest aches and yearnings for intimacy will only ultimately be met in Christ. That's not to minimize the importance and goodness of friendships in this world, whether in marriage or outside of it. Such human intimacy is a wonderful gift from God and something each of us needs. But, while we don't want to minimize this, we do need to revitalize it. It will never be ultimate. We will always need something that is whole levels of magnitude more."

Allberry isn't saying we just need Jesus. The "just me and Jesus" thought only goes so far. We need other people to walk alongside.

Why I Tore up my "True Love Waits" Pledge Card

The "True Love Waits" pledge card . . . signed in January 1998 at a youth group evening is now in 15-20 pieces on the table beside me. I found it tucked in the front of the Bible I used when I was in high school. As I pulled it out, I decided it was time to tear it up.

Not because I'm walking away from what the Bible says about sex and purity.

Not because I don't believe in waiting for marriage.

I actually tore it up precisely because I want live according to God's Word on this. And, while the intentions behind the "purity culture" of my youth were good, I don't believe it was actually about living according to God's teaching anyways.

For some, this might seem strange. But, probably not to many of you who grew up in church youth groups in the 1990s. There was a strong movement that, on the surface, seemed to be about biblical principles for sex and purity. This included signing pledge cards that we would wait for marriage and, for girls, wearing rings that said "true love waits" on the ring finger of your left hand.

Much has been written in recent years about this and what the results of growing up in this "purity culture" have been. And my experiences with it and my own study of Scripture are exactly what led me to tear up this card when I found it.

I tore it up because I no longer see it as being a commitment to live God's way in this area of life. It may have started with Scripture, but so much was added to it that it became just rules and legalism, with sometimes implied and sometimes spoken guarantees for following through that don't actually occur anywhere in Scripture. It's caused a lot of harm to a lot of people and I no longer want to be a part of that.

For some, it may sound strange that it's taken just over 20 years for me to see this. The truth is, until the last 4 or 5 years, I didn't even look at my beliefs in this area of life. I just accepted what I had been taught in church growing up. It was only when I began getting involved with another ministry at my church that spoke to this topic that I first began to question some of what I'd been taught. As I looked again at the Scriptures used and compared what I was hearing and reading in them now with what I'd been taught growing up, I noticed some things I could no longer ignore.

All the teaching I'd heard growing up had definitely started with Scripture. The starting place was good and right. The problem came in what was placed on top of these scriptural truths. The things we were subsequently taught about how to live a life of sexual purity. This is where man-made ideas were taught as being on par with Scripture - as the way we should live.

As I began to realize I'd bought into these lies, I had to begin the process of untangling what was truth from Scripture from what was man-made additions to Scripture. This was a more complicated process than I imagined. I had to acknowledge where my beliefs were wrong and find what Scripture said. And I had to come face-to-face with the fact that people I had trusted and loved had been part of teaching these beliefs. Although I still believe they had the best of intentions in what they taught, I still had to acknowledge that these were the people who had taught me this. I had to face that this was all part of the legalism I'd become bound by. It wasn't an easy thing to do and took much longer than I expected, but, it was also very necessary.

So, why do I share this now?

I know from conversations I've had with some I grew up with and what I've been watching play out in public in Christian circles, this is a struggle many people are facing. My hope in sharing my journey with this is that I can encourage others who are facing this journey themselves.

Sometimes we Have to Take a Risk

When was the last time you took a risk?

When did you last step out and do something you felt God was asking you to do when you had not guarantee of the outcome?

Rebekah Lyons, end her book Rhythms of Renewal (releasing Oct 1, 2019) by talking about taking risks. This is part of what she calls the rhythm of create.

I'm not a risk-taker. I like to stay where it's safe and only engage in things when I know the outcome. I tell myself that's the best choice. But, it's also a way to miss out on what God is asking me to do.

Rebekah outs it this way:

"Taking a risk may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's the only way we partner with God in creating good and beautiful things."

And I know this is true. The times I've taken risks and stepped out without knowing how it would turn out have had this result. That doesn't mean it's easy though.

But, there is something I've learned. As Rebekah puts it:

"The call and assignment of God is never possible without God."

We weren't created to do it on our own. When God asks us to take a risk, it will look impossible from our perspective; but with God it's not.

As she wraps up the book, Rebekah reminds us of an important thing:

"There is nothing more beautiful that finding strength on the other side of yes. It's not a strength of doing, but one of being. Being in the center of his will."

Often this is something we only find when we take the risk. When we step out in the calling and assignment God has given us that is impossible without Him. When we say yes to the risk it changes everything.

This is something I have lived. About 7 years ago, I knew God was telling me He wanted me to lead a women's Bible study. This was the last thing on my mind as something I would ever do. How was I going to talk to a group of people about anything, when I had never been able to do so before? I was quite happy to just keep being the quiet one at the table who said very little. But, God had other plans, and He used a couple of key people in my life to convince me to take the risk and try it. I've never looked back. And I know it's not possible for me to do what I'm doing without Him.

What is the risk God is asking you to take?

Are you willing to step into it?