The Inevitable Question I Get More Often in December

"When you are going to get married?"
"Why aren't you married yet?"
"Are you looking to get married?"

I get these questions, or some form of them, through out the year from a variety of well-meaning of people. But, for some reason, the frequency increases at this time of year. I'm not sure why people feel an increased need to ask these questions at this time of year, but they do.

For a long time, these questions frustrated me and even made me mad sometimes. I often tried to shut down the conversation that included these questions as quickly as possible so I could escape. The truth was, the question often hurt too and I wanted to escape the pain.

It's not that those who ask these questions are trying to hurt to me. For almost all of them, I know they truly love me and want the best for me. But, that doesn't change the fact that constantly being asked hurts.

Why does it hurt? Where is the pain coming from?

As I've taken time to reflect, I've realized that it's not about the question. It's not about the person asking the question.

It's about the unspoken implication behind the question. That's what hurts.

Whether it's something the asker is conscious of or not, the question implies that my life is incomplete if I'm still single. And that my focus as a single person should be finding someone to marry. I'm left feeling like none of the other things in my life, that I love and that God has given me to do, matter as much as this one thing.

Now, some reading this might think I'm taking that too far, but I would say I'm not. Let me explain.

Think of someone in your life who you don't see all the time - more than once a year, but not a weekly, or even monthly basis. Now think of something in your life that you really desire (a God-honouring desire) that seems to always be just outside your reach. Picture that every time you see this person, the first question, and sometimes the only question, they ask is about this desire and why you don't have it yet. How do you begin to react to that over time? How does that leave you feeling?

That's what being asked the questions I opened this post with is like.

What I do have, and anyone has, is a choice in how to respond. You can choose to shut down and escape the conversation to try to avoid feeling the hurt as I have often done. But, maybe there is a better way.

Like so many things, we actually have to begin with acknowledging that it hurts. Once I realized the hurt, I was able to change how I handled the situation.

How I respond really depends on the kind of relationship I have with the person asking. Some, I can be very direct with and explain the truth of how their question lands with me. Some, it's just a quick answer and moving on. And some, it's just not worth going there - not that I'm rude, but I end the conversation pretty quickly.

So, my advice to those who have single adults in their circles, don't continually ask them these questions. Don't bring it up around the table at family dinner and put them on the spot in front of the rest of the family. Don't ask only about whether they're married or not.

What to do? Talk about all parts of life. If you are wondering and do ask, make sure it's not the only thing you talk about in conversation with them. Respect the person if they clearly don't want to talk about it - don't push the issue. Get to know them as a whole person - not just about their marital status.