Wrestling with the Struggle

Last week I posted on Facebook about being single and still having that desire for marriage - even when I enjoy my life right now. I had no idea what the response would be  and I was a little overwhelmed by the way so many responded.

Those thoughts have not been far away since then. Every time I open Facebook, I'm reminded. I've lost count of the number of friends and family who have been posting about anniversaries in the last few weeks. It seems like I'm writing a happy anniversary message multiple times a day. And most of them are for ten, twenty, twenty-five years together.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's been hard. And that I've wanted to avoid seeing another post on someone's anniversary.

I'm happy for my friends and family whose marriages have reached those milestones. I want that to be celebrated for and with them.

But, it's also a constant reminder I don't have that in my life. I'm being continually reminded that I'm still single, despite a desire for marriage, long past when most of my friends and family were.

So, what do I do in times like this?

Secondly, as friends and family, what can you do?

The first question - what do I do? It has to start with admitting this is how I feel, this is my struggle. And taking it to God. I don't have the ability to change this all on my own, so that's what I can do.

For many of you reading this, the second question is maybe more applicable.

As friends and family, what can you?

I'm actually going to start the answer with things you shouldn't do:

• Don't quote the verse in Isaiah about God being a husband to me. It's hurtful. It's theologically suspect to make it about an individual. And it doesn't encourage me. I wrote a post specifically on this verse and using it in this context 7 years ago (almost to the day) that you can read here.
• Don't try to tell me I have the gift of singleness. I don't. I've also written more about this - you can find those posts here.
• Don't give me advice on what you think I should so to get married or tell me how something specific worked for someone else you know. I'm not looking for that when I say these things. You can read more about this topic specifically here and here.
• Don't make my longing for marriage out to be wrong or an idol. That hurts, a lot - something I talk more about here.

Now, what can you do?

Listen.

Care.

Pray.

It's that simple . . .

. . . And that hard to do.

Listen. Be a safe place for me to admit the struggle. Not so you can get to your words, but just to let me talk about it somewhere.

Care. Even if you don't understand exactly, you know what it's like to struggle and how you want someone to care about your struggles without immediately giving advice or trying to fix it.

Pray. As I wrestle with this desire that doesn't seem to be being met. This is the best support you could give me.