Things We Need to Stop Saying to Single People

"Maybe you just need to put yourself out there more."
"God will bring the right person when you stop looking for someone."
"Why aren't you married yet?"
"You're too [insert what ever descriptive word you want here] to still be single."
"When are you gong to get married?"
"Why are you still single?"
"Don't you want to get married?"
"You need to be careful you don't get too [successful/educated/settled] or you'll never get married."

That's just a short list of the things I've heard when people find out I'm single - or still single, as the case may be. I could keep going with the list, but I think you get the idea. I'm sure those of you reading this who are single could add your own to the list as well.

Things like what I've put on the list above are things we need to stop saying to people.

We just need to stop!

Why?

Because they imply something is wrong with the person you're saying them to.
Because they imply that the person is doing something wrong.
Because they say you know God's plan for them better than God does or they do.
Because they say that you have it all figured out and you think they don't.
Because they make someone feel small or looked down on or pitied.
Because they hurt.

I hope you're still with for the rest of this.

I honestly believe most people say these things with the best of intentions. They're not thinking about anything on the list I gave of why we need to stop saying them. I believe that the majority of the time when people say these things, their desire is to encourage the person and show them love. But, the reality is they don't encourage the person.

So what should we do or say instead?

Instead of focusing on whether someone is married or not, talk about family - whatever that looks like for each person. Most singles I know still have family that's important to them, whether it's biological or friends who have become family.

Instead of feeling sorry for or pitying someone who is single, take time to understand what life looks like for them.

Engage in real conversation with them.

The thing about what we need to stop saying is that they're all sound bytes that don't require investment on our part. We can say them and move on, feeling good about ourselves and not knowing how the other person took those words.

We also like to offer the pat answers because we're uncomfortable with other people's pain. If we invest the time, we may have to engage with their pain. As Joy Beth Smith says in her book "Party of One":

"The problem comes when the church is removed from the pain of singleness. When the leaders don't get it. Instead of sitting in it with us, they offer trite phrases that only serve to aggravate the inflammation. They might use these pat answers so they don't have to really analyze and look at pain, but there has to be a better way to meet the needs of single people." (pg. 76)

Any suggestions I have for how we can changes what we say involves time and energy - we have to invest. But, that's what we should be doing anyways.

What about you? Do you have any ideas of what we can say instead of these things we need to stop saying?