A Post About Dating . . . Maybe?

 Dating as an older Christian single.

I never expected to be writing those words or using them to describe myself. While I'm still younger than many, I'm no longer in the age group that almost all writing on Christian dating is aimed at.

In Christian circles, it seems that all dating advice is aimed at high school and college-aged people. And when I read it as someone nearing 40, it doesn't connect with or relate to where I'm at. And things that are part of the world for older Christian singles aren't even mentioned. 

I feel incredibly unqualified to even attempt to write about this topic. I'm not an expert. I actually haven't been on a date in almost 10 years - something that I wonder if is, in part, affected by some of the ways dating as a Christian has been viewed or taught.

But, as I think more about what it means to be a single Christian adult in the church today, this is a topic that can't be ignored. As the number of singles in our churches grows, we need to talk about it more.

When I mentioned that the number of single people in our churches was growing to someone a few months ago, they commented that it should make it easier to meet someone at church now. A logical assumption. But, not a true assumption.

When I'm sitting in church on a Sunday morning, there's no way to know who else might be single. And the way we structure our adult ministries at church means the chances of every knowing are pretty slim. I would never say that things at church should be all about meeting people to date. I don't want that to dominate my mind. But, if I'm looking for a Christian man, then it does seem logical that it would be easier to meet them at church - even though that's not the case in my experience.

In most churches I know of, adult ministries fall into one of three categories: men, women, and married. Some churches may have something for single parents or those who have been divorced. Those are great places to focus ministries and reach many people. But, as a single Christian woman, I only fit into one of those categories, that means Sunday morning services are the only time I could possibly get to know anyone besides other women.

Don't get me wrong. We need men's ministries, women's ministries, and married's ministries. They're important. We need ministries to single parents and those dealing with the fall out from divorce. They're needed.

But what about singles who haven't been married and don't have kids? Where do we go? Where so we belong?

Some women's ministries do better than others at welcoming single women. I'm thankful my church does. But, sometimes we can unintentionally set up women's ministry to revolve around being a good wife and/or a good mother, that leaves a growing number of women out.

I have many conversations with people at church who are inquiring if I'm still single and expressing hope that one day I'll get married. That's something I'd like too, but I don't know how it will happen when I don't even know where or how I'd meet someone.

As far as a post on dating, this probably didn't go in the direction you were expecting - so, thank you for keeping on reading. It's not exactly where I thought it was going either. But, I'm beginning to see it as the place we have to start.

Not every person who is single in our churches is interested in dating or wants to get married. But, it might be worth reflecting on how we can allow space in our adult ministries for people to meet each other - not making it the focus, but space for it to happen in the midst of all else, in things that aren't just geared for young adults.

Unintended, Yet Unfair Assumptions We Make in Christian Circles

 I was working on a Bible study recently and ended up very frustrated by one of the questions. I had to chose not to get hung up on the way I was completely left out of the majority of the question in how it was worded. 

And it's far from the first time that has happened. It has happened over and over again.

The question in this study asked you to fill in the blanks for a couple of prompts. The first blank was about childhood. 

No problem.

The second blank, which I, perhaps naively, expected to be about young adulthood or adulthood in general, was specifically about marriage or a dating relationship. 

In just a few words on a page, I felt immediately excluded. I was frustrated. Angry even.

Why?

Because, once again, I was left feeling like I'm on the outside of the norm in Christian circles. Once again, I was in a situation where there was an assumption that everyone participating was married or in a serious dating relationship moving toward marriage. 

Once again, being single had no space. 

Now, before you tell me I'm over-reacting to a single question . . . let me remind you that this isn't a one off thing I deal with. Much of my world, especially the church world, treats me differently because I'm still single at almost 40 years old. I'm regularly ignored in sermons at church. I'm regularly left out of ideas for workshops or seminars that inevitably focus on marriage and parenting - or getting ready for these things if you're not already. 

I'm regularly told I don't fit in the norms of Christian circles.

Put yourself in my shoes for a bit and then look at this question again. It quickly becomes one more place where I'm put on the outside of the norm - where I'm different and don't fit.

I don't think this is done intentionally or maliciously. But, that does little to change the hurt it causes. Just because someone didn't remember that at least some of those working through the study would be single and wrote a question they weren't even aware would leave people out, doesn't mean it didn't hurt - that it doesn't hurt every time. It doesn't mean I didn't feel rejected again. And this is far from the only Bible study where I've had it come up.

So, what do we do?

We speak up and we listen to each other - really listen to hear what people are saying, not what we want to hear.

Those of us who are single need to keep telling people about how this unintentional, and at least sometimes, unfair, speech hurts. We have to tell of the pain, the frustration, the anger, the feelings of exclusion and rejection. Even if it feels like we're a broken record, repeating the same things over and over.

And we all need to learn to listen to each other. We need to listen to and try to understand the hurt. We need to listen to and try to understand the apologies and the questions from people who didn't know.

Adventures in an Unexpected, Unplanned World

 I could see I had a few messages waiting and some indicators of interest.

I hadn't checked this in a few days. I was still trying to make sense of the next stage of interactions with someone from that last time.

Was I ready to look at it again?

What if those waiting messages were from him again?

What if all the indicators of interest were the same as in the past?

Did I want to keep spending money on this every month? Or was it time to quit?

What are these thoughts about?

The world of online dating and all that comes with it.

As I've written about life as a single woman in the church long past when many think I should have been married, I realize this is a topic I've stayed far away from. Online dating . . . really dating at all.

The reasons have been myriad. From not being sure anyone wanted to read about it. To the mixed bag of experiences I and people I know have had with it. To the pressure that this topic often seems to bring.

But, I've had a few conversations lately about my own desire to marriage, the challenges of being older and still single, and the additional challenges of COVID when it comes to meeting anyone. And the question I'm inevitably asked in these conversations is if I've tried online dating and the latest dating app.

The answers. Online dating? Yes, on a few occasions. The latest dating app? No. I got tired of trying to meet people virtually in my online dating attempts, so the latest app doesn't even get my attention for a second.

Every person's experience is different. I know of a few couples who met online and are happily married. One couple were both friends of mine from different circles who met that way.

But, those experiences are far from what mine were. And no amount of telling I should be willing to spend the money and time if I'm serious about wanting to get married undoes my experiences.

Let me expand a bit on what I wrote at the start and the online dating experience for those who have never had the "pleasure" (maybe "dis-pleasure") of trying it, but are quick to suggest it as the solution.

First comes the time in front of a screen to start. I don't know what the apps are like, but for all 3 of the online dating sites I've been on, it starts with creating your profile. This isn't like your Facebook or Instagram profile. Even just answering the basic questions take an hour or more. If you want your profile to stand out to others looking, then it's longer than that.

The comes the possible matches. The site takes your profile answers and highlights profiles it thinks would be a good match (algorithms, before they became a dreaded Facebook thing). That leaves you with lots of profiles to read through. And you do being to wonder about things when your number 1 match is someone you broke up with because at the core you were two people who didn't work together.

Over time, you start getting messages on the site, or other indications of interest (someone didn't just read your profile and move on - on one site they could send you a "wink to indicate interest). When I first saw those, I was kind of excited. Until I looked at who it was . . . nine out of ten of the indicators of interest were from men my dad's age or older - some even as old as my grandpa. Not what I expected, or what I was looking for (and I had made sure I was clear on the age range I was open to in my profile). So, indicators of interest became mostly creepy feeling, not something important.

Then there's the messages. This one started out well. An opportunity to start a conversation with someone - to get to know them more. All through the online dating site though, so no personal contact information exchanged yet. Sometimes things go on for a while here and sometimes they don't.

I had one particularly memorable message conversation . . . one that was the final thing that made me cancel my membership on all the sites for good. I went into this all with the mindset of giving everyone a chance (except for my ex because I already knew that wasn't a good match).

So, despite not really being interested in moving overseas for someone, I responded to a message from someone in Europe. My profile was clear that I wasn't interested in that kind of a move - unless there was some sort of crazy connection pretty quick. And after a few messages, I re-iterated that to him because I didn't want to waste his time or mine.

His message back astonished, horrified, and terrified me. I can still see the words clearly, as he told me that we could keep getting to know each other while he prayed God would change my mind so I could be a good wife. Instant red flags!!!

I simply replied that I was no longer interested in conversation, thinking that was it. I was wrong. A few days later, all those messages I had were from him. 

That was the end of my online dating foray. I cancelled my memberships on all sites I was on and I've never looked back.

Some may say I gave up too quickly. Everyone is welcome to their own opinions. I've got my experience and that drive that decision. And I've reconsidered since (especially in the last year and a half when the whole world moved online), but just don't want to go there again.

So, why do I share this? What's my purpose in writing this?

It comes from my recent conversations about this where I've been asked if I've tried this. I know the question comes from a good place. From a place of caring. But, unless I ask specifically, when I share my desire for marriage with you, I'm not looking for a solution from you (although if you know someone personally who you think I might click with, I'm open to you offering to arrange a way for us to meet). In that moment, I'm trusting you with part of my heart and I just need you to listen.