The Limitations of our Labels

 Labels.

We use them everywhere in life. They're on items we purchase. They tell us what we need to know about lots of items in our lives - whether it's the ingredients or the use. 

They're usually helpful. And, often, they're necessary.

We also use labels for people. And they can be somewhat helpful in some situations. But. it's easy to take our labels too far with people.

Labels can help us create groups of similar people that may be interested in particular things. They can help us identify who certain groups or classes or events may be most appropriate for or interesting to.

The problems comes when we start using labels as someone's identity. When we take something that may be one of the many things about a person and make the only thing about the person, we use labels wrongly. We use them in a way that causes pain to people when we do this - whether we do this to other people or to ourselves.

I've dealt with this in a couple of specific situations in my life. The first being with the label of being single. It's absolutely true that I am single. It's a label that is factually true. But, I've been in situations where I'm being introduced to new people and the introduction I get essentially boils down to: "This is Tamara. She's single."

In those five words, the person introducing me us using "single" as my identity. Completely ignoring the fact that I'm also a friend, daughter, sister, auntie, ministry leader, etc. Somehow being single is who I am in these words, and it hurts to have my identity boiled down to a label that only describes a part of my life.

While others often take labels and make our identity, we can also do that to ourselves. I know I have. I've written here before about my struggles with anxiety and what it means to life a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder. In that previous sentence, I chose my words carefully. I struggle with anxiety and I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. 

In the past, I have made those labels my identity; I used the words "I am an anxious person" to describe myself. It may not seem like a big deal in the moment, but those words change everything in how I think about myself. I don't want anxiety to be my identity.

So, while labels can be helpful, they have limitations. We need to make sure we're not turning them into identities - whether for others or ourselves.

Anxiety and the Church

 As today is a day where many are talking about mental health struggles, I'm taking a break this week from my series on singleness and the church to talk about another topic we still need to discuss more in the church.

Mental health struggles . . . depression . . . anxiety . . . and the church.

I think it's an important topic to discuss because it's misunderstood too often and the simplified answers or advice we give does more harm than good.

This is something I'm passionate about because I've lived this struggle. I go through life with social anxiety disorder and tendencies toward general anxiety. At times, individual people within the church have been very supportive and helpful. I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and acquaintances who had sought to better understand what this actually means and how they can love me best and walk through it with me.

These are the friends who follow me when I leave abruptly and sit with me when I' struggling. The friends who et me know they're with me. The friends who have sat outside with me in all kinds of weather. The friends who have offered the words of their prayers when I wasn't able to say them myself.

But, I've also, unfortunately, experienced judgement, a lack of caring, and accusations of not having enough faith in God when I've shared about this. While I have seen a much greater desire to understand and support people in the 20+ years I've lived knowing I have social anxiety disorder (although likely long before knowing that, it impacted me), there are times when I realize that there's still a ways to go in understanding it all. 

It really is a journey to learn and understand. It took me some time to really start to get it and I was living it. So, when it doesn't hit personally, I can only imagine that it takes more work.

So, where to start?

Let's start with the idea that a struggle with anxiety is a reflection of a lack of faith or trust in God. Honestly, this is probably the hardest thing to hear, because nothing could be further from the truth. The truth, my struggle with anxiety has driven me to trust God and call out to Him more than pretty much anything else in my life. It's how I get through the hard days. And I've talked to enough Christians who also live with anxiety to know that it's true for many. 

I often wonder if part of our struggle is how broad the definition of anxiety is. But, we take a one-size-fits-all approach to how we understand the word. 

According to the Meriam-Webster Dictionary, anxiety is defined like this:

apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill

medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

mentally distressing concern or interest

That's a pretty broad definition that encompasses many things. From the force that gets you to move quickly out of the way of a car coming at you, to the everyday worries and concerns that we all deal with, to a fear that completely paralyzes you. I think this is one of the reasons why we struggle to handle conversations about anxiety well and have so much misunderstanding.

We hear the word anxiety and, rather than trying to understand what the person means by it, we jump straight to verses like Philippians 4:6-7 and 1 Peter 5:7 as the solution. And those are great verses from Scripture, filled with truth and great practices for all of us to incorporate into our lives.

But, there's so much more that anxiety could be. We often use the word to describe an actual medical disorder, where our brains don't work like they should. I know I have often said "I have anxiety" rather than an anxiety disorder and that has contributed to some of the unhelpful conversations I've had.

Maybe we need to learn to ask a little more and then listen to what someone says when they start talking about anxiety, before we make assumptions about what they actually mean.

So, why is just quoting a couple of Scriptures or telling someone to pray or have more faith a problem?

It's presenting a simplified answer to something that's usually much more complex. 

Sure, the Scripture you quote is absolutely true.

Yes, prayer can help.

And faith in God is definitely important.

But, if I (and others) say I'm anxious in that moment, my brain is likely going so crazy I can't focus enough to read my Bible or pray much. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to try to maintain some semblance of control on the outside.

I don't need direction on what I should do. I need support as I walk through it. I just need to know you care.

So, what can we do to handle this better in the church?

1. Ask what someone means by anxiety before we throw Scripture or other directives at them.
2. Pray for them while you're with them.
3. Most of all, stop before we make assumptions about someone's faith and trust in God.

What If We Stopped Trying to Always Have an Answer for People's Struggling?

 "I'm really struggling with anxiety right now. I'm not sure I can handle going to that tonight."

"You just need to give it to Jesus. The Bible tells us to cast our anxieties on Jesus. You just need to do that to be okay."

That conversation, or a version of it, is one I've had more times than I can count in my life - and always where I was the one struggling with anxiety.

"My anxiety has been really high lately. I'm struggling to keep it under control and I don't know what to do."

"You should read Philippians 4:6-7. Those are good verses about how to deal with anxiety."

When you finally get the courage to let someone know you're struggling, and you get a few verses of Scripture essentially thrown at you and then the other person walks away.

In both of these conversations, the other person means well. They want to care and support, but they don't know how.

Why?

Because, far too often in the church, we've turned a struggle with mental illness into a faith issue. We read the verses that talk about anxiety and assume they apply to every person who struggles the exact same way.

We all have times when we get caught up in worry, caught up in some anxious thoughts about something. And, we can easily assume that everyone who talks about having anxiety is talking about exactly this.

But, for some of us, it goes beyond that. It's not just some anxious thoughts; it becomes something that controls our lives. We often know that the thoughts in our heads are irrational, that they've gone so much further than someone else's would. But, that doesn't mean we can stop them.

So, these words to give it to Jesus or to read Scripture feel like they fall short. Because they do; they don't acknowledge the full picture.

In a book I was reading on this recently, the author wrote about it this way:

"The problem is, we often confuse mental health with spiritual health, but the two are not one and the same. If anything, mental health has more in common with physical health than it does with spiritual health because the mind-body connection is on that can't be denied by modern science. The brain is a vital organ of the body, and when the brain is sick, it impacts every other part of the body. Mental illness doesn't reflect a character issue. it reflects a chemistry issue." (Debra Fileta, Are You Really OK?, pg. 160)

Changing how we respond to this in the church is important. And, it is something that has improved significantly in recent years in the church. We've come a long way, but we still have a ways to go.

When I bring this up with people in conversation, I often get the question of what they should do instead.

What is helpful? What can you do when someone says they're struggling with anxiety?

I'll be honest, I struggled for a while with knowing how to answer this question. What did I really need from someone when I said that?

But, I've realized that I actually have examples in my life of exactly what I do need in those times. From friends who did what I needed without them knowing they were doing it or me knowing I needed them to.

What did they do?

They sat with me. They let me know they were there and didn't try to fix it. They just let me know I wasn't alone in the struggle.

They were present with me, exactly as I was in the moment.

I think we often feel like we have to have a great response when someone tells us they're struggling. But, in doing so, we easily make other people's challenges out to be something simple and easily solved, when they're often much more difficult.

But, what if we learned to sit with people. To be present. And not feel like we always had to have an answer.

I think that can be much more powerful and encouraging for people.

I Just Need a Hug

 Who knew the day would come when I would be hesitant to utter (or write) those words?

Who knew the day would come that someone could say those words and not have an abundance of people offer an immediate hug?

But, that is the reality of the times we're living in right now. This isn't the time of greeting people with a hug.

(Before I go any further, let me be clear on one thing: This is not a space to debate the response to the current pandemic. There will be no tolerance for arguing about whether the right decisions have been made. I am talking about a need many have and how we can respond in a challenging time.)

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm not a big hugger. I enjoy giving and receiving hugs, but I'm not someone who just hugs everyone I see. But, even I have reached the point where I would hug almost anyone willing to hug.

I understand why it's not happening right now. The reasoning makes sense to me. I get it. I'll respect the rules, guidelines, public health orders of this time.

I didn't realize how important something that seems as simple as a hug was to our health until that was limited and removed in most cases. I live alone, so there's not an option of people to hug in my house every day. This time has made me all the more grateful for the couple of people in my life who I do still get to hug - although sometimes that's still not enough.

And, if I'm struggling with this right now, then I can't even imagine what it's like for those who are huggers - for those whose default greeting of someone is a hug.

Science and human experience tells us how important that physical contact with others is for your health - physically, spiritually, emotionally. 

And, so I've been wrestling with this question:

How do we deal with our need for physical contact - for things like hugs - in a time when we need to limit our physical contact? What can we do?

Because if I'm honest, I'd just go for being able to sit closer to someone than two meters apart from someone.

I know from experience, the good a hug can do. I've been in situations where it calms my anxiety in a moment. I feel my shoulders relax. Even though, it doesn't remove the worries or hurts, it eases the pain and stress of it.

There is lots out there that supports to science of the good hugs do for us. A simple search will bring a lengthy list of scientific articles and news stories about them.

So, what does all this mean? How can we meet this need right now?

I don't know that I have a clear answer on it. I don't know that I have the answer.

But, what I will say . . . hug the people who are in your circle right now. Make the space for that, because I think we all need it right now.

And care about those who you can't hug. Take the time you can to still listen and be there. It might be the same as a hug, but even those conversations with others who care, who I know in other circumstances would freely offer a hug, still help.

Hug those in your circle as much as you all need to.

Listen to and care in other ways for those you can't hug right now.

Brave?

Brave.

I see that word from almost everywhere in my house. It's written on the chalkboard hanging by my reading chair.

Brave.

The word God gave for 2020 in January.

I've struggled with seeing that word written there for the last few months. I definitely haven't felt brave - at least no according to what I've always thought of as brave. I mostly feel like it's just been taking everything I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That hardly feels like what comes to mind when I think of the word brave.

A few days ago, I decided to look up what the word actually meant. To see if my thoughts were correct. I was both surprised and encouraged by what I found.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives a few different definitions, depending on whether you're using it as an adjective, verb, or noun. They're all related though.

Adjective - having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty: having or showing courage

Verb - to face or endure with courage

Noun - one with mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty

 

So my thoughts of brave referring to someone who boldly steps into danger weren't wrong, but they were incomplete. Brave doesn't only mean that. Sometimes it can mean just keeping going and moving forward in the face of fear, anxiety, or uncertainty. 

As I dug into how the word brave is used in Scripture, I was challenged in my understanding of the word. Depending on the translation you uses, the same word is sometimes rendered as brave and sometimes as courage or courageous.

I noticed on important thing that changed everything for me. In the majority of uses I could find, this word was used in reference to trusting in God, to depending on Him.

"Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord's help." (Psalm 27:14, NCV)

"I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world." (John 16:33, NCV)

"On the day I called to you, you answered me. You made me strong and brave. (Psalm 138:3, NCV)

*see also Psalm 31:24, Joshua 1:7-9, 10:25, Deuteronomy 31:6-7, 1 Thessalonians 2:2

I used the NCV (New Century Version) for this as it specifically uses the word brave - in most of these verses, the NIV uses the word courage or courageous.

This is how Scripture defines brave.

Dependence on God. Trust in God.

Seeing the word brave as I go through my day doesn't feel so out of place anymore.

We Need More than Nice Words on a Sign

"Worry ends where faith begins"

"Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its troubles; they empty today of its joy"

"Faith means you have peace, even when the world doesn't have peace"

These are words I've read regularly on a couple of church signs I drive by. They've said the same things since sometime in March.

At first, I read them and moved on. But the longer I see them, the more frustrated I've become with the message.

They're good sounding words. They should like they could be encouraging in an uncertain time. There's even a bit of truth to what they say.

But even those thoughts reveal the problem with them. Yes, they sound good. But, if you're actually struggling with worry, fear, anxiety, they've not encouraging words. They sound like a platitude - you just have to have more faith.

Is the message on these signs in line with Scripture?

Yes. A quick reading would say that.

But, I would also say no. I think that's why, over time, these messages have begun to frustrate me. 

What do I mean?

Yes, Scripture tells us not to worry. And Scripture encourages us to have faith.

No, because Scripture also acknowledges the struggle with worry, fear, anxiety and gives us a whole lot more than just an admonishment to have more faith. Scripture doesn't set worry and faith as opposites - even though we like to do that.

Let's take a look at some of what Scripture actually says.

One of the most commonly quoted Scriptures is Matthew 6:25-34. Jesus' teaching on worry in Sermon on the Mount. We're clearly told not to worry. Jesus makes the futility of worry pretty clear here. He also tells us to choose to seek God first in our lives instead.

But, what we're not told is significant here. We're not told that worry means we don't have faith. Jesus tells us not to worry and He tells us to seek God first, but this passage doesn't say that worry, fear, anxiety negates faith. I would argue that to seek God first instead of staying stuck in worry, fear, anxiety, means you have some measure of faith to begin with - even though you also have worry, fear, anxiety.

We like to use Philippians 4:6-7 in these discussions as well. In these verses, Paul tells us to go to God with our worries, fears, anxieties. We're told to tell them to God so we can experience His peace. If those worries, fears, anxieties mean we don't have faith, why would our response be prayer? That makes no sense.

In 1 Peter 5:7 we're told to "cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Again, if those anxieties, fears, worries mean you have no faith, why would you cast them on Jesus? To choose to cast them on Jesus, you would need to believe that He cares about you and wants to know.

We can worry about things and still have faith. If worry, fear, anxiety is the antithesis of faith, it would be hard for many of us to have faith. Who hasn't worried sometimes? Who hasn't dealt with fear over certain things? Who hasn't had anxieties?

I believe it all comes down to what we do with our worries, fears, anxieties. We can have them alongside faith, if we're choosing to take our worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus.

Carrying our worries, fears, anxieties on our own will cause us to miss out on what's going on in the moment. But it's not as simple as telling someone that. Sometimes we might need to help them take their worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus.

That's something I'm grateful for a friend doing for me recently. I was struggling with all that's going on and the worry, fear, anxiety it has brought to my life. After seeing me in an inline meeting where I wasa struggling to hold it together, this friend phoned me.

She listened, pointed me to the truth of Scripture, and prayed for me on the phone. In doing so, she helped me take my worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus and leave them there, because I had faith that He could take them and carry them better than I could.

I didn't need church signs with good sounding words on them to help me with my worry, fear, anxiety. I didn't need to be told to just have more faith. I needed to be reminded that I have a place I can take my worry, fear, anxiety. And I needed a friend to remind me that I still had faith.

So, maybe, rather than looking for good sounding words, we can instead help one another walk out the faith we already have when we're struggling.

Community When we Can't Be in Each Other's Space

I've talked a lot about community and our need for it, about the loneliness of our society, about how things are different when you're single in the last year.

And, all of that is even more important in our current circumstances.

We need each other now - more than ever.

But, how we show up for one another looks very different right now. The method of our community has changed, but it hasn't removed our need for it.

If I'm honest, I've struggled with exactly what I'm writing about in these last few weeks. In many ways I've never felt my need for community more acutely, and struggled with how to find it.

These are strange times, hard times, difficult times . . . and I've heard or seen on social media from enough of us to know we're all struggling in some ways with this. Whether we're at home with family or living on our own, whether we're working or our work has stopped for a time, nothing feels like we're used to it feeling. And we need each other as we walk through this.

So, how do we show up for each other right now? How do we create community when we can't sit around the same tables as one another?

Churches have created some space for it, with services online and Bible studies and small groups through video conferencing. Providing opportunities to learn and worship and pray together.

But we need even more than that. We need to stay in touch with friends and talk about what's really going on.

And that means we have to change the way we do what we always do. If you're like me, you pick up your phone to text a friend more often than to actually phone them. And when you can see each other, that works. But, I'm learning right now to pick up my phone and use it to actually phone a friend. I need to hear the voices of other people right now.

It looks like having people you can reach out to in the moments you're struggling to just let someone know and not feel so alone. And being that person for people too. Sometimes we might only be able to send a text in those times, and that's OK too. The important thing is that we don't keep quiet and hide when we're struggling. We need to have people we can tell, and people who can tell us the same thing for themselves.

I also had a friend teach me yesterday through her actions what it looks like to show up for each other when we can't go for coffee. Knowing I was struggling, she decided to do what she could. I heard a knock at my door, but when I opened it, no one was there, just a bag with a card. Letting me know she cared and was praying. A small act that did more than I could ever describe in words for how I was feeling.

It also looks like standing in the back parking lot at work, 2 meters apart from one another, with coworkers, checking in how we're doing with this all and with all the changes it has brought in our workplace. Stopping in the midst of all we still need to do and listening to one another for a few minutes. Acknowledging the way it feels and letting each other know we're not alone even when things look a lot different than we're used to.

So, can I encourage you in this time: look for ways to reach out and connect with people - family, friends, neighbours. We need each other more than ever. And we have to get creative in how we show up for each other, but we have to keep showing up for each others.

Changing Perspective

How are you praising God these days?

Are you holding onto the promises of God's presence and peace?

What are you grateful for today?

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
                                                                               (Phillippians 4:4-7)

These verses have spoken to me often. I've turned to them in many situations where things didn't seem to be going as planned.

When I opened my Bible to read this afternoon, this was the passage that was next. I struggled with the first couple sentences today. If I'm honest, I don't really feel much like rejoicing in anything these days.

But, as I stopped and sat with these familiar verses for a while, I was challenged and encouraged by what God was speaking to me through them. And, while all of what I'm about to say might be familiar to us. I think it's important to remind ourselves of it right now.

Paul isn't talking about rejoicing because our circumstances make sense or things are good. Paul is talking about rejoicing in the Lord. We can rejoice in the Lord because He is God and He is good and He is faithful and He is unchanging. Sometimes, this is a choice. We may not feel like rejoicing in anything, but we choose to praise God for Who He is regardless of our circumstances.

There are promises we can hold onto in this passage:
1) The Lord is near. He has not left us or forgotten us. We can be sure that He is walking through everything that's going on with us.
2) We can have the peace of God to guard our hearts and minds. This isn't a peace based on circumstances, because our circumstances may not be peaceful yet we can still have peace. It's a peace because God is with us. He gives us His peace, which goes beyond anything we can understand in our humanness.

Even though I know these promises are true, I wondered how we can find the peace to replace our anxieties and fears. I wondered how we can live in the reality of these promises instead of the fear and anxiety that comes so easily right now.

In the middle of these verses, we're told we can take everything to God in prayer. He can take it all. But, I think there's two important words in the middle of the instruction to take everything that makes us anxious and afraid to God. Two words that will help us to change our perspective.

What are they?

With Thanksgiving

This changes our perspective. In the midst of fear and anxiety, when we choose to look for things we can be thankful for it changes so much for us. It shifts our focus from all that is wrong, all we're fearful and anxious about, to the good things in the midst of it all.

I was challenged today to be more intentional about things to be grateful for each day. To take the time every day to write down at least three things I'm thankful for from that day.

As I did that today, it didn't remove the current reality. Nothing has changed in our world. But, what I was seeing changed and I was moved to worship, because the God we serve is good and faithful and constant and loving.

Maybe you're struggling with all that's going on too. Can I challenge you? Take a few minutes at the end of the day and write down three things you're thankful for from the day. Look for the good in the midst of the fear and uncertainty of the world.

What do we do When Life Feels like it's Spinning Out of Control

Until just a few minutes ago, I had decided that I was just going to skip posting this week. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. And I wasn't even sure I could put anything into coherent thought.

(Actaully, I'm still not sure that will happen well with this post.)

I've been thinking a lot about how we get through it when the whole world seems to be spinning out of control. What do we do? How do we get through it?

If I'm honest, the events of the few weeks have sent my anxiety higher than it's been in a long time. Most days I feel like I'm just barely hanging on and all I want to do is hide from all of it. But, I still have to deal with the reality of what's going on and hiding is impossible.

So, what do we do when we find ourselves in these situations? 

I'm not talking about caring about practical physical needs. I think what's out there has covered that pretty well. I'm talking about how we get through it emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

It's easy to quote Scripture about trusting God, or about God being in control, or any number of things. And they're absolutely true. But, these days, they can ring a bit hollow when you're feeling like you're barely hanging on and anxiety is high. We have to choose to hold onto those truths, but we can't stop there.

This is where I'm glad that we can be completely honest with God about how we're feeling. He can handle. He wants us to bring it to Him. Sometimes just acknowledging it is helpful to being able to handle it.

But, the truth is that we also need each other. This may be a more difficult in times like this, but it doesn't change the fact that we need each other. While the how of this may look different, we can't neglect this.

And, if I'm honest, this is the part I haven't done well. I've turned to Scripture and to prayer in these last few weeks, but when I've been with people I've fought hard to keep it together and not let them see I'm struggling. And I know that hasn't helped things.

So, something I'm learning (again) and maybe can encourage you with: Keep taking it to God and turning to Scripture for truth. And find ways to keep connecting with others - it might not be the same face-to-face ways we usually use, but keep connecting somehow. We can't try to do it on our own. We need each other.

God's Peace When Life Isn't Peaceful

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the LORD, the LORD is the Rock eternal." (Isaiah 26:3-4)

I've found myself turning to these verses regularly in the last while. A reminder that peace comes from God, and that it's not based on my circumstances.

As 2019 draws to a close and a new year begins, I know a number of people who are facing circumstances that feel anything but peaceful. And that is my own circumstances as well. 2019 was a hard year for lots of people - likely including many of you reading this, as it was for me.

As I write this, I'm looking at the chalkboard I have hanging by my chair - the one where the word God gave me for 2019 is written. The word written on that chalkboard:

PEACE

When I reflect on 2019, it doesn't seem like a year with much, if any, peace. At least when you look at the circumstances of 2019.

But, as I think more about it and as I've learned more about peace over the last 12 months, I've realized that peace isn't about my circumstances. It's not about what happens.

The peace that God has in mind when He gave me this word for 2019 and the peace talked about in Isaiah 26:3-4, isn't based on circumstances. It's a peace that comes in the middle of often challenging circumstances. It's a peace that comes when we choose to surrender and trust when things don't make any sense.

In Isaiah 9, we are told that Jesus would be called the Prince of Peace when He came. It sounds great and beautiful. And it's true - He is the Prince of Peace.

But, the circumstances Jesus was born into and lived in, were anything but peaceful. One only has to read Matthew 2 and the events around the wise men coming and their conversation with King Herod to know the violence and upheaval that was the time Jesus came to earth. The Prince of Peace wasn't born into a peaceful world.

And He didn't live and minister in a peaceful world either. The truth is, there are times when I look at the way Jesus spoke and ministered and it doesn't seem to jive with the idea of Him being the Prince of Peace.

But, that is why the peace God speaks of isn't based on circumstances or on things making sense to us. The peace God speaks of comes in the midst of trial, in the midst of pain, in the midst of confusion.

I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. Putting words to this part of what I've learned over 2019 is proving more difficult than I thought. But it's something that's different than what we usually think of as peace.

As 2019 comes to an end and I move into 2020, my prayer for all is that we would continue to experience God's peace and understand more of what it means. The Prince of Peace has come and He is with us, no matter what we're walking through. His peace is not dependent on our circumstances or on what our world tells us what it is. We do not walk alone. The Prince of Peace goes with us.

The Danger of Labels Becoming Indentity

Labels are everywhere in our society. We use them to categorize jobs, places, experiences, things, people. It's that last one that I think often gets us into trouble.

We label people. And we end up doing more harm than good. People are more than whatever label we try to give them. I think we know this, but that doesn't change how easy it is for us to label people.

But, I think there's a place where we can do even greater harm with our labeling.

As part of the launch team for Rebekah Lyon's new book, Rhythms of Renewal, which will come out on October 1, I just finished reading the book. So much of what I read resonated with me and challenged me. Over the next few weeks before the books is released, I'm going to share a bit about the book and how it challenged me. I think the message of the book is a needed one and I'm excited about it being made available.

It's from this book that I was challenged in this area where our labeling does great harm. One of her chapters is on labels, and Rebekah writes:

"The problem is, when we use of these labels to describe us, they often give us our deepest sense of identity. We believe the lie that the label defines us. We shift from believing a particular label is something we face to believing it's something we are."

When I first read those words, I had to stop and read them again . . . and again . . . and again. The realization of how true they are hit me hard.

I do it all the time. I label myself as single. I label myself as my anxiety disorder. Rarely are these labels positive. They almost always describe things about myself in the worst possible way. And they become my identity.

But, I'm learning that I don't have to let those labels become my identity. Yes, I'm single, but that's not everything about me. Yes, I have an anxiety disorder, but that's far from the only thing true about me.

We have to learn our identity from something or somewhere other than the labels we've given ourselves or have accepted that others gave us. This is how we really learn to live.

A little bit later in the same chapter, Rebekah goes on to say:

"When we don't view our identity through a label, we're able to find ways to thrive in spite of whatever label we're living under."

Because our labels are so often used to limit us, they hold us back. But, when we find our identity where we should, in God, everything changes. To quote Rebekah one more time:

"When our identity is found in who God says we are rather than in our highs and lows, our successes and failures, our desires, affections, or shortcoming, we experience the freedom we were meant to enjoy."

Freedom comes when we find our identity in God and nothing else. Then we experience the life Jesus said He came to bring us in John 10:10.

This is something I've learned and am still learning.

When I allow my anxiety disorder to become my identity, I'm held back by it. I've limited by the box I put myself in. But, when my identity is found in who God says I am, the anxiety disorder I have is not the focus and I can all sorts of things and experience a life the label of anxiety disorder as my identity prevent.

What are the labels you've placed on yourself that have become your identity?

What does God say about your identity?

What would change about your life if you lived out of your identity from God rather than your labels?

Changing Our Thinking

What do you do when your mind is going in a direction you don't want it to go?

What do you do when your caught up in patterns of anxiety in your mind and you're not sure how to stop them?

Is there any way we can change our thinking?

The answer is that, yes, we can change our thinking.

But, if we're looking for an easy fix, then we're going to have a problem. There's no promise of an easy fix.

Scripture does make it clear that our minds can be renewed - that we can change the way we think.

Romans 12:2 tells us that we can "be transformed by the renewing of our mind." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 talks about our ability to take thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ. In Philippians 4:8, Paul tells us to think on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.

These Scriptures would indicate that we do have the ability to change the way we think. We can choose to think on something different. We have that ability.

But, how do we do that? What does it look like?

What about when it seems like we can't change our thought patterns, not matter how hard we try?

I think the key to this is returning to Scripture. We need to take the time to find the truth of what Scripture says, and then we need to fill our minds with it.

This isn't an instant process. We may have to continually remind ourselves of the truth of Scripture. It's something we have to be intentional about, until it becomes our habit.

As I've learned this process in my own life, I've seen how it can and has changed my thinking over time. I've had to be intentional about it - especially in the moments when it's easiest for my thinking to go back to those old ways.

One of the things, I've learned is of the importance of having the truths from God's Word ready when I'm in the midst of a struggle. Those are the times when I need to be able to remind myself of God's truth clearly. Sometimes, this means going back to Scripture I've memorized.

Other times, it's actually having those Scriptures in a list that I can easily pull up an read - often out loud. This is especially true when it's a bigger challenge in my thinking. For me, one of those times is when my anxiety starts to take over my thinking. Then, the only way I might be able to stop it is to start declaring the truth of God's Word out loud and I need to have it where I can easily read it and access it. For me, that means it's actually in a note on my phone. Since my phone is pretty much always within reach of me, this is a helpful place for me to have this list of Scriptures.

Just because we find the Scripture and the truth doesn't mean it's going to instantly change. We have to commit to the process and be willing to dig in with it every time the issue arises again. Some days, it seems to have more impact on changing my thought life, than others. But, over time, it is slowly changing things.

The important thing is that we continue to go back to the truth of Scripture to change the way we think. No matter how many times we have to go back.

Seeing God in the Middle of Not Being Okay

Everything is going good, until it isn't. Often with very little warning, or indication of the reason why. Very suddenly, life is not what it was before. Getting out of bed, getting out of the house, getting anything done becomes an overwhelming thought. But, life goes on, and somehow I must figure out a way to keep going with it.

These words describe the reality of what living with an anxiety disorder looks like. At least for me, and some others I have talked to. But, I also know it's different for others, as anxiety disorders are a pretty broad category and everyone's experience of it is different.

But, it is a reality I've been living the last week or so. It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again. Each time with a few more tools to use to get through the time than I had the last time. Sometimes these times last only a day; sometimes they could linger for weeks.

For a long time, I didn't tell people what was going on, because I wasn't sure I could handle however they responded. But, I've learned over the last few years that the right people will respond with love and support. And, I've realized how much I need those people in the times when I'm not okay.

This is probably the first time I've attempted to write a blog post in the midst of it. It can be challenging to make sure my words make sense in the middle of the chaos in my head right now. Some might even wonder why I would try and why I would share this now. I haven't done it in the past for exactly those reasons. But this time, I'm feeling compelled to do so.

I think this place I'm in right now is a place we don't talk about much because it's unresolved. I don't have a lesson I've learned from it to share yet. I don't know how it's going to end. I can't relay how God has used it for His glory yet.

But, I wonder if those are sometimes exactly what we need to talk more about. When we only talk about the end result, I wonder if we actually miss what God is doing. I wonder if we miss the beauty that is still there when things are unresolved and all we can do is cling to God and trust that He has plan to use it, even when we couldn't possibly see how yet.

So, let this be my encouragement to you today if you're in the middle of an unresolved and messy time: Look for the beauty of God in it now. Don't wait until you get to the other side to look for it.

I'm not saying it's easy to do. It's not something that will come naturally. But, I'm being reminded again now, that it changes everything when we look for God in it before we see the end. It's worth the effort, and it makes it possible to get through the messy times when we're not okay.

Blessing in the Struggle?

I've written a lot about the struggles and challenges of living with an anxiety disorder. I've tried to share honestly about what it looks like. In doing so, I've also started to see a side of it that I hadn't thought too much about before now. In the midst of the daily battle, it's easy to just see the challenges. But, as I've written more about it, I've begun to more clearly see the blessing in it and the way God is using it in my life.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I've always struggled with this verse - especially in regards to this part of my life. If God is about working for my good, then why do I have this struggle in my life?

But, I've recently come to see that this verse isn't about God only allowing good things in our lives. It's about God taking all that happens in our lives and using it for good - for His purposes. He will take it and use it to bring Him glory in and with our lives.

As I've begun to grasp this, I still don't think I would say I'm thankful for this particular struggle. But, I am thankful that it doesn't mean God can't use me and I'm thankful for what He has done in me through this. I'm sure God could have taught me some of these lessons in other ways, but I know I've learned them, at least in part, because of living with social anxiety disorder.

One of the biggest things I've learned is that there's nothing that prevents God from using you. I know that in my own strength, I can't do a lot of what I do. It's all God choosing to use me that way despite something that would seem to disqualify me from doing that.

I've had to learn to rely on God in a deeper way than I would without this. On the days when I'm really struggling to just keep going, the only way I can do it to rely on God. Sometimes all I can do is pray and trust Him to do it when I can't.

As someone who likes to be able to do it well on their own, this hasn't always been easy. And I haven't always seen it as a blessing. For a long time I saw it just as a weakness. But lately, I've been learning that it's a blessing to be completely dependent on God for everything. It's how we were created to live, and it's a much better way than trying to do it all on our own.

Sometimes I Just Want to Avoid this Part of Church

Greeters at the door when you walk in the building.

Ushers at the door when you go to find a seat.

At some point during the service someone up front will tell you to introduce yourself to the people around you.

I get why. I see the importance of making sure everyone feels welcome. And it's part of being the family of God to actually get to know each other, and that often starts with a simple greeting. It is an important part of what we do as a church. If you came to the Bible study I lead on a Monday night, you would find me doing exactly these things.

But, it's also the part of church I struggle with the most. In a typical service, at least three times I feel like I have to make brief conversation with people I may or may not know. I'll be honest that I do my best to avoid it sometimes. Sometimes that's just easier for me, because of how I'm managing that day.

And, the unfortunate reality is that, sometimes, the responses of people when I do need to avoid that part that time are far from helpful. When I've chosen to sit down while everyone else is greeting each other, I've had some people make it a big deal about coming over to shake my hand then. Of course, I smile back and shake their hand, but inside I'm dying. I've had greeters follow me to make sure they say hi to me and shake my hand. Again, I respond in as friendly a manner as I can muster, but inside I'm wishing I could just run.

I don't assume people are trying to make things hard for me on purpose. My assumption is that they have a desire to make sure everyone feels welcome. And, in the process of doing so, they don't even realize that they're actually making me feel unwelcome. I can end up feeling singled out or overwhelmed - like there's something wrong with me because I sometimes have a need to avoid these types of interactions.

For me, it's the reality of living with social anxiety disorder and still being a part of a community. Some days when I go to something at church, I don't have the capability or capacity to engage in these sorts of interactions because it is taking all I have in me just to be there. I know I still need to be in church community, but, to manage, I will do my best to avoid these situations. I'm not trying to be rude, although I know it may look like it sometimes; I'm simply trying to have as normal a life as I possibly can.

And there are other times when I'll engage with these parts of church more readily. They may still be difficult for me, but that day isn't a struggle just to be there, so I have some capacity for this. And I know that the more I do so, when I'm able to, the more it will help to manage in the more difficult times.

I've spent a few days trying to figure out how to end this post, but really haven't been able to come up with a way to end. I'm not even sure there really is some neat conclusion or helpful advice I can end with. This is one of those things where we need to keep doing these things, because they are important. But, there are also always going to be people who struggle with them and try to avoid them.

When I think about my purpose in writing this post, which usually gives me some way of ending, I think it is about sharing an experience of things that falls outside of what many people experience. This isn't about just not enjoying these sorts of things and wishing they wouldn't happen. This is about an anxiety that comes in social situations that actually makes it more difficult to engage in these "normal activities."

Talking About It Despite The Fear

I guess this is becoming part in a bit of a series about anxiety (you can read part 1 and part 2 here) on here about this. When I wrote that first post, I never really intended to write more on it, but here we go.

One of the questions I've been asked recently is:
If it's so scary to out it out there for others to read, why do I do it?
If it's so easily misunderstood by people, why do I take the risk?

I guess my answer is that, while it's scary, it's also liberating. There's no longer a feeling of pretending in my life. There's no longer an added fear of being "found out" when something happens.

For the first 8 years after I was told I had social anxiety disorder I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself and just did my best to structure my life in a way that (at least I thought) wasn't overly obvious to people. But, about 3 years ago a series of events rendered that impossible to do anymore. Everything became too much for me to manage on my own. As it impacted more and more areas of my carefully structured life, I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

I no longer had a choice about telling people. Those first conversations terrified me (even more than the first post I wrote a couple of weeks on this), but afterwards I felt a sort of freedom I hadn't expected. There's something powerful about letting other people into your biggest struggles. I was no longer alone in it. And I found incredible love and support in those people I told.

As I moved slowly beyond that time and was able to manage better again, I realized my biggest help had come from being open about my struggle with this. That inviting and allowing other people in was important. I also realized how many others may be struggling with the same things we are, but staying quiet because we thing no one else will understand.

I was also painfully aware of the stigma that still often comes with any kind of mental health struggle - both inside and outside of the church. And I knew the only way this would change would be for people to keep talking about it, so we can one day change the conversation about it.

All of that is why I choose to continue to talk about this. Keeping it to myself didn't help me, it doesn't help others, and it will never change the conversations we have about it. The changes when we talk about it, despite the fear and misunderstanding. Our silence leaves everything the same.

So I choose to keep talking about this, despite the fear. I will talk about this despite the comments that all it would take to be "cured" is more faith in God and more prayer (believe me, I pray and I believe God can heal me of this, but it hasn't happened yet). I will talk about this despite the times other misunderstand what I'm trying to say.

But, mostly, I will talk about this because it brings freedom - for me and for others. Keeping silent about our struggles binds us up. When we talk about them, freedom can come.

Why it's Scary to Admit to Anxiety?

I've been thinking a lot about the post I wrote last week and why it was really so terrifying to hit publish. What makes it so hard to let people know that I deal with this on a daily basis? Why was I hesitant to share in that way?

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it really does come down to the way it is seen by some people . . . and, unfortunately, especially the way it's seen by some people in the church. We talk often about the stigma associated with mental illness in our society, and our need to remove it. We've made great strides in this - both inside and outside of the church.

But, there have definitely been times when it has been easier to let the stranger in the grocery store or the coffee shop know what was going on when I'm struggling with anxiety when I'm out, then it has been to let someone at church know. This reality saddens me. The place where it should be easiest to admit my struggle is often actually the most difficult.

So, why is this the case? What is going on here?

I'm going to say that most of the challenge comes from the multiple meanings of the word anxiety. It's a word that is used to mean anything from the worries of everyday life to crippling fear and worry that interferes with the ability to live a "normal life." Most of the people I've talked to about this in the church understand the first definition, but they miss the other possible definition.

When someone is talking about the worries of everyday life, then it is perfectly reasonable to talk to them about praying and giving them over to God - about how Scripture tells us not to worry about tomorrow - and leave it at that. Scripture's prescription for this kind of anxiety is abundantly clear.

But, when it's a life-altering level of anxiety? When it's anxiety that interferes with the ability to live and do the things everyone else does?

Absolutely, the truth of Scripture still applies. But, when we stop there, we leave those who live with this type of anxiety feeling less than, or like their problem isn't seen as being real. It can make you feel like less of a Christian because the "solution" that people are giving doesn't work for you.

I don't want to discount the truth of Scripture, or the role that doing what Philippians 4:6-7 says plays in my ability to manage my anxiety. The truth of Scripture is powerful to change thinking and I don't want to minimize it.

But, when I'm struggling with my anxiety in the moment, I don't need Scripture basically just thrown at me as the solution to my problem. It's not actually going to help. 

I also don't want to make it sound like the church always gets this wrong. Many in the church handle this well. They truly care and support and try to understand. I get that it's hard to understand what it's like and I might not always be able to explain it well. But, I'm appreciative of those who try.

So, how do we fix this?

1) Don't assume you know what someone means when they say they're struggling with anxiety. Ask questions to get a better understanding of what they mean.

2) Don't rush to offer you solution to their problem. Even when you feel like you have a suggestion that might help, offering it right away will actually be counter-productive.

3) Listen to what they're saying and care about what's going on. A listening ear makes a big difference. Often just being there makes all the difference.

No Idea What to Call This

As I stood to the side and looked out over the busy room - the church gym transformed into a place for a women's conference - I was reminded of a conversation I had a little less than 15 years ago. A conversation where I was told that I likely wouldn't be able to do what I was doing that weekend. Attending a women's conference with more than 170 women at it was not supposed to be something I could manage, let alone also helping to put the event on.

You see, I was told I had Social Anxiety Disorder in that conversation. As I've chosen to talk about this more in the last few years, I've discovered that many people don't know what this is, don't understand what I mean when I say that.

There's a lot of good information out there about it, but it doesn't seem to be very widely understood. For the sake of clarity and simplicity, I'm going to share the definition of it from the Social Anxiety Association:

"Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interactions with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life." 

It is the third most common mental health issue in the world today. And 7% of the population (including in the church) is dealing with it at any moment, and 13% will at some point in their lives.

Now that we've established some basic facts, on to my purpose in writing this post . . .

I'm incredibly appreciative of the friends I have who have learned what this looks like for me and how they can support when I'm in settings like this women's conference. They're a large part of what makes it possible for me to be a part of them. Even though these types of events are exhausting for me, I'm grateful I can be a part of them.

As I speak up more about this battle in my life, I frequently realize how little about it is understood by so many in the church. Despite the facts about its prevalence that I share above anxiety disorders often seem to be misunderstood in Christian circles.

I think a lot of the misunderstanding comes from the word anxiety having multiple meanings in how we use it and we're not always clear on the differences. Everyone has moments when they feel anxiety over something. The difference is that, for most people most of the time, it doesn't interfere with their ability to do things. They're not so paralyzed by it they can't move on from it.

I can't even begin to count the number of times well-meaning people have quoted Philippians 4:6-7 or 1 Peter 5:7, or any other myriad of Scriptures when they find out I struggle with anxiety. Don't get me wrong, those verses contain great truth. Truth I cling to when my mind is going crazy. Truth that does help me to calm my mind sometimes. They remind me of what I need to be doing, and they're a part of how I function everyday.

There is a spiritual aspect to all of this and it absolutely must be dealt with if I'm going to be able to live a full life. But, for me, and for others who also live with this, it goes beyond that. The physical and mental part of this is just as important to deal with as the spiritual part. Whether it be medication or counselling or some combination of that, we cannot ignore that this is a part of dealing with this in our lives.

I guess I'm writing this to try to explain some realities, but as I put this out there, I'm also realizing that it doesn't do much good if I don't get to something practical.


So, what can or should you do when someone you know is battling an anxiety disorder?

1) Ask them what they need from you in social settings that make their battle more difficult. 

They likely know what others can do that helps, but they're not going to ask, because that opens them up to being negatively judged, which is part of their anxiety. When you offer, you're letting them know you're not negatively judging them.

2) Be patient - even when it's awkward.

Maybe, especially when it's awkward.

Sometimes I'll be managing okay in a situation, until I'm not. I can't predict when that will happen and I often can't see it coming until I'm at the point where I can't manage anymore. I know it's awkward when that happens. It's why I go through seasons where I just avoid everything. But, avoiding everything doesn't help, it makes it worse. When I have people around me who are patient when my anxiety makes things awkward, it makes it easier for me to manage the next thing.

So, be patient. Stay with them. Let them know, that's not enough to make you leave.

3) Don't be afraid to lovingly, gently speak the truth.

When my anxiety gets going, I know my thought patterns are ridiculous and full of lies, but I often can't stop them myself. That's when I need people in my life who will gently and lovingly remind me of the truth.

Don't yell it. Don't try to argue me into believing it. But keep speaking it. And remind me that I need to speak it out loud too. Eventually it will get through and help.

4) Don't decide that this struggle means they can't be there for you.

Just because we have a struggle in this area of our lives doesn't mean we're not capable of supporting you in whatever you're going through. We all need friendships where the love and support goes both ways. Let us be there for you when you have a need, the same way you're there for us when we have a need.


Obviously, every person is different, so every person's battle with anxiety is different, but I think these suggestions are general enough for everyone. That's why I started with asking the person what would help them.

I know these things make a difference, because I have friends who do these things all the time. Ultimately, it's God Who makes it possible for me to be part of a team to put on a women's conference. But, He often chooses to use those around me to be the way He does that. I'm incredibly grateful for the community I have.