Rediscovering a Sense of Purpose

 What do you do when your sense of purpose is taken away?

How do you rediscover a sense of purpose when a large part of what made that up is suddenly & unexpectedly removed?

These are questions I've wrestled with a lot in the last 13 months.

As most who have read things I've written in that timeframe will know, 13 months is how long it's been since I lost the job I'd had for 17 years, largely due to things I had no control over & no opportunity to speak into.

Beyond the fact that I was thrust into the unknown of navigating unemployment & finding a new job, in the moment I walked out the door of that office where I'd spent many hours & significant amounts of energy & passion, I was walking away from a large part of what I had seen as my life purpose for the 17 years I'd been there.

I wasn't often on the frontline of the work done there, but keeping bills paid, payroll accurate, & reports submitted to keep funding coming was important to the frontline work continuing. I walked into the office everyday with a sense that I was a part of something that changed lives everyday - even though most outside those I called coworkers at the time would never know who I was. As I walked out that door for the last time, I walked away from all that.

So, I was left with tough questions to wrestle with. I continued to wrestle while I was unemployed & as I returned to work in a new workplace. Even as I found & began a new job, that sense of purpose still felt elusive. Afterall, while we all have plumbing, heating, & air conditioning needs, the life changing aspect of what I used to do still seemed to be missing.

But, as I've discovered in the last 13 months, a sense of purpose doesn't have to come from the work I do everyday. In fact, I've realized it doesn't for a lot of people. No matter what fills your day for work, there can be a sense of purpose in how you do things - in how you interact with people. Wherever we are & whoever is in front of my in that moment is part of my purpose.

Giving the person right in front of me my full attention is more important than anything I can do for work. I don't think I'll ever forget the moments that drove this home for me.

The first came a few weeks into my time of being unemployed. I was playing a game with my niece & she said something about how she liked it much better since I stopped checking my phone all the time when I was with her. I hadn't realized how much checking work messages to just attempt to keep on top of things had creeped into my time with her.

The second was when I told my niece I had a new job. I could tell she wanted to be excited for me, but something was bugging her. When I finally got her to tell me what was up, she told me she was worried I'd go back to checking my phone all the time. I had to reassure that it would be different this time.

That's when I realized that my work doesn't have to provide the purpose. Each person & each interaction is my purpose in that moment. The best thing I can do is give my full attention in the moment. That's how I can love others the way God wants us to. That's how I have a sense of purpose no matter what I do.

I'm challenged to make sure my phone is put away when I'm with people - especially with my niece. Rather than going through life distracted, I'm choosing to give my full attention to those who are in front of me each day.

What is one thing you can do to embrace your purpose & give your attention fully to what is in front of you each day?

Showing Up & Asking for Help

 "Would you like me to drive you?"

In a simple question in a text, a friend reminded me a few weeks ago that I had a community to do life with. That I didn't have to do it all on my own.

The truth is: I know this. 

When I think about it, I know that I have a number of people who I could have asked. People who would have been willing to say yes, if they could.

But, in the moment, it can be hard to make the ask. In a world where doing it all on your own is prized & encouraged, it's easy to not ask. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking I need to be a strong, independent, single woman & do it on my own.

Yet, going all the way back to Genesis, we see that God said it wasn't good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Whether you see this verse as being specifically related to marriage or not, there is one thing we can be sure of: God didn't intend for us to do this life alone. Scripture continues to remind us of this as we read it (see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 & Hebrews 10:23-25). We were created to need each other, to do life together.

A simple text with a simple question. A friend giving of their time to drive me to an appointment, wait for me, & drive me home. It reminded me of a powerful truth.

We don't have to do this alone. We can & should ask others for help when we need it. This is how God intended us to live.

And it challenged me as a single person. Sometimes it can be easy to use the fact that I live alone & can look after myself as an excuse not to ask for help when I need it. 

The truth was that I really did need someone to go with me to that appointment, but I wasn't going to ask. I was afraid of imposing on someone (. . . & yes, I know some of you reading this will be quick to tell me it's not that). I was afraid of looking like I couldn't handle things on my own.

But, as single adults, we need to have that community around us that can help us when we need. People we can call or text when we need a ride somewhere, or just need to know we're not alone. 

The Important Places & Stories in Our Lives

 Do you have a place that's filled with memories of good times from growing up? A place that maybe still feels like home when you go there?

I recently went back to one of those places for me. A place that has changed a lot in so many ways, yet, still feels like the same place every time I drive onto the property.

The camp I grew up going to & worked at for a few months recently celebrated 50 years of camp. They invited people - past & present - to come spend the day at the camp to celebrate.

From the moment I turned down the dirt road to the camp I was filled with memories.

Driving past the house by the gate where the camp director lived when I spent my summers in this place. The memories of conversations on the porch swing with his wife as I navigated summers as staff & the rest of life in between those summers. The wisdom & encouragement shared while sitting there.

The archery range was next. The first place I learned to teach something. Many hours spent there with kids of all ages teaching a skill we may never have learned anywhere else. (And the place where I got my first & only wasp sting, while I was there with a half dozen 8-10 year olds I was responsible for, so I had to stay until I could get someone else there.)

The Point

The lodge - where so much has changed over the years. But, it's still the place of many meals & chapel services. Good food, conversations over food, worshipping God.

Walking to the point - the place where we would have campfire every night of camp. Singing silly camp songs & worship songs. Hearing messages from the speaker for the week. Time to share the story of what God has done in the week of camp. It feels like holy ground when I approach it. There's something truly special about this place.

Walking along the path by the lake, the beach, climbing the hill back to the lodge. All so familiar & filled with memories. Doing things I never would have thought I would have been able to. Growing & learning in so many ways.

Even more memories in the people I saw & reconnected with. Whether we're still in touch or not, there's a connection when we gather again. And realizing that I made a few long term friends in my years here.

I was reminded of the importance of places when I was back at camp. But, even more of the importance of remembering & sharing the stories of what God has done.

The Beach

The day was filled with stories of how God worked to provide for the camp for 50 years. From the little things that made all the difference, to the bigger, more noticeable things.

I was also reminded of the ways God worked in my life when I was there. Many of the important spiritual decisions in the first 25 years of my life were made somewhere on that camp property. It's each to forget that in the midst of every day life, but it's important we don't. 

We need to remember & share the stories. That's how we stay faithful in the hard times & hold on when we can't see ahead.

Sometimes You Actually Need a Person

 Can we please stop equating Jesus being with us always as a reason to never feel lonely?

When we do this, we're basically saying that loneliness is a sin.

But, a study of Scripture shows that feeling lonely is not a sin. The things we choose to do as a result of feeling lonely may be sinful, but feeling lonely itself is not.

Yes, it's true that God is always with us wherever we are (Hebrews 13:5; Psalm 139). And that can be a great source of comfort & encouragement.

But, my study of Scripture makes it pretty clear that we are meant to live this life in relationship with other people. We need people around us, journeying with us (Hebrews 10:24-25).

We need to know we're not alone.

Also, often when we're feeling lonely, what we need is to have another in our physical space. That's what changes things.

It's not that we've forgotten God is with us in those moments. It's that we need the presence of a person who cares about us. This isn't wrong. It's how we were created.

We need to become people who respond to the loneliness of others by showing up & being with people. By making space for people, not by shaming them for their feelings with a reminder that God is with them, that doesn't acknowledge what's really going on.

Making Space to Stay Connected

 If you've been in the church for any length of time, you've probably heard the message that we weren't made to go through life alone. And my reading of Scripture makes it pretty clear that Christianity was meant to be lived in community.

But, this is so opposite to what we hear in society. We live in a world that tells us we should be able to do it all on our own. We're told that we should be able to get it done without someone else.

This means we have to be really intentional about staying connected to the people around us. It's not going to happen by accident.

But, how do we make this a priority when we all have such busy lives?

How do we manage the expectations & needs of each other while still honouring our capacities & family needs?

We have to start by having the conversation with each other. We have to be honest about our needs, desires, & capacities. The we can work out what it will look like to stay connected to each other well.

When we do this, it results in a good thing for everyone involved.

Who Do You Celebrate WIth?

 Who do you celebrate with?

I'm not talking about a major holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Or about who you would invite to a birthday party.

Who do you celebrate the everyday moments where something needs to be celebrated with?

The completion of a major project.

The good news after a health scare.

The fact that you followed through on something you were nervous or scared about.

Who do you celebrate these moments with?

The celebration may not be something big here. They often aren't, and they happen unplanned.

My guess is that the people you celebrate these times with are those you live with - your spouse, your kids, maybe your parents. These are often the easiest people to celebrate with because it doesn't require any planning. It's easier for it to be spur of the moment.

But, there is a segment of our population who are left out when this is seen as the way to celebrate these moments. For those of us who are singles and live alone, there's no one to celebrate with at home. We need friends & family to be available to celebrate those moments with us.

To change that requires intentionality. As singles we need to be willing to call or text friends & share. And we need those friends & family to take the time. It may be only a few minutes that you have, but it matters. And for the bigger things to celebrate, taking time to plan something more matters.

It really comes down to communication being the key. If we're not expressing what's important to us to celebrate, we can't expect people to know that it matters to us.

Walking with Each Other Through the Hard Times

 Who do you turn to when your world is turned upside-down? Who do you phone? Who sits with you in it?

Do you have anyone?

I've been quiet here for a while because I haven't known what to write. I've been walking through a time of my world being turned upside-down. That has made it hard to find the words for anything.

It's made me think more about the questions I asked at the start of this post.

For me, in this situation, I had family and friends I could reach out to right away for support. My Mom, my sister, & my niece showed up while I was still on the phone with them. And friends were there in words as they replied to a text message because I wasn't sure I was up for explaining to them any other way at that time. Even beyond this, people in my church family have been there since.

This is a picture of what it should look like. We weren't made to live this life alone. We were made to live it in community with people. We need people we can call on when our world is turned upside-down. People who will show up - either physically or through words - and just be with you.

The truth of my situation is that my family and friends can't fix it - though my niece would like to try. I didn't need their advice or solutions at first. I just needed them to remind me I wasn't alone. Even now, their presence & care are most important. Many have just listened & asked the questions to help me see things I wasn't seeing on my own. It's not a solution I need; it's people to walk through the uncertainty with.

This is what we all need. So, I leave you with the questions I started with.

Who do you turn to when your world is turned upside-down? Who do you phone? Who sits with you in it & lets you know you're not alone?

Please Respect my Personal Space

 Everyone you meet has a different set of personal space boundaries and they're important. They often exist for a reason. It can be hard to know the nuances of what someone's personal space looks like - especially because they may change depending on who the person is with at the moment.

I've written before about how we need physical contact with safe people regularly to do well in life. But, how much and with who is a very personal matter. And we have to learn to allow space for it to be different.

When it comes to this, I think there are a few things we do often in church in trying to be welcoming, that actually make people feel uncomfortable instead.

The first is the need to touch someone when you're talking to them. Whether it's an extra long handshake or a hand on their shoulder, I've experienced it and seen it often. There may be times when this is appropriate or desired, but it can also easily serve to make the recipient feel uncomfortable. For a conversation in the lobby at church, this is probably not necessary most of the time. When praying for someone a hand on their shoulder could be a good thing, but, even then, we should be asking first.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the sometimes uninvited hugs. Being a "hugger" isn't an excuse to make some feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We need to be aware of other people's comfort with hugs and not force it on them.

Finally, the biggest thing is to not assume because someone was okay with it with one person, they automatically will be with you too. The level of relationship with a person can often have an impact on what someone is comfortable with. You may have just seen hug a family member or a close friend, so don't assume they'll hug you too if you don't fall into that category.

The biggest thing we can to do to help everyone feel comfortable is to respect someone's wishes. If they move away from you or prevent contact in some way, don't keep trying. If they ask you to stop, then stop. If they acknowledge you, but don't extend their hand in response to your offer of a handshake, don't keep following them around or put your hand on their shoulder.

One more thing I've seen, that probably bothers me more than any of the above. A kid should never have their personal space invaded or have your hand on them without their permission. We live in a world where teaching a kid that their body is theirs and no one gets to get too close to them without their permission is vital for their safety. We should be enforcing this at church, not disrespecting it.

I have stepped between my niece and people who were ignoring her discomfort. I will always do that for her with no questions asked, but I shouldn't have to at church. And for the record, she is always able to get right into my personal space without hesitation if she needs me. That doesn't apply to everyone else.

Don't Force Me to Share in a Group

 In our desire to develop community and get to know each other at more than a surface-level, I think we sometimes put people in an uncomfortable, often terrifying, situation. As we try to get this to happen, we can put people in a position where they feel forced to share more than they are really comfortable with sharing.

My guess is that we don't do this on purpose. It's not our plan. We're simply trying to create a way for our time together that gives every space to share.

Our default is often to go to some sort of "everyone has 2-3 minutes to share where they're at as go around the group."

Cue a wide range of emotional responses, from completely okay with that to terrified and looking for a way to leave before your turn comes. Instead of creating the connection hoped for by it, some people are instantly disconnected and may not ever return to the group.

Even for those who stay and who return, it can create have the opposite effect of creating more disconnection. Now there are things about them "out there" with that group that they're either afraid will be used against them in the future, or that they feel they have to continue to live up to forever. The forced sharing has had the effect of making them feel like they have to live up to a certain thing they shared, even if it's not true all the time.

Unless the group has been together for a long time and this type of sharing already occurs naturally, I don't think this is the best way to create what is being sought. If people are already doing it on their own, then a more formal and structured time of sharing can be beneficial - when used occasionally. 

But, if the group is newer or that level of sharing hasn't occurred before, you can do a lot of harm to the forming of the group when people are in a position where they feel forced to share things they're not ready to with that group.

There's a few things to consider with what, how, and when people share personal things with a group:

1. Trust to share personal things is earned over time. If you push this too soon, you drive people away. And, people's experience will inform when they will trust. The timing looks different for everyone and we have to allow space for that.
2. Going too deep too soon can create a false sense of knowing each other.
3. If someone feels forced to share before they're ready to, you can actually cause trauma for them. This relates to a lot of what I wrote about in my series of posts on spiritual trauma in fall 2023 (you can find those posts here). It's one of the ways that the church can do damage to people.

So, what do we do instead?

We start by creating a safe space for people to begin with trusting with very small things. Make the group a safe place to admit you had a bad day or celebrate something - with no need for a lot of details to be shared.

Over time, you can slowly go deeper by asking questions that prompt a deeper discussion. Not a place where everyone has to share, but questions that invite people to participate and share as much or as little as they are comfortable with.

Being "The Single Person" at a Wedding

Thinking about it a little more, a better title for this post may be Being "The Older Single Person" at a wedding. But, that just seems a bit awkward . . .

In the last year, I've been to a handful of weddings again. After many years of not having any, it seems that weddings have been more frequent again. The difference being, I'm not going as part of the group of single friends of the bride and/or groom (with one exception). I'm going, often, as the only single person over the age of 30 at the wedding. And, I'm discovering that makes a difference.

People expect there to be young adults at a wedding that are single. And, some of the things that have traditionally been a part of weddings for those who are single are still fun at that point.

But, as an older single adult, things are different. And, I'm grateful that some of those things haven't been part of recent weddings. Being called out as single at a wedding isn't fun at this point, so seeing those traditions left behind is a relief. 

I'm happy to see no bouquet tosses to the single women in attendance, or garter tosses to the single men. I'm just going to say it: those suck at my age, because it never fails that some well-meaning person at the wedding will make a big deal about the older single adult at the wedding getting up there, whether they want to or not.

Because a wedding is about two people coming together, they are often filled with unspoken and unacknowledged assumptions that make sense for those coming with a partner.

I've written about this before in other settings, but even in how seating is set up in even numbers is a challenge. When things are rigidly set up in even numbers, there isn't a space for the older single adult who comes to the wedding. They are seated with the young adults, or, maybe even worse, they're treated as the strange family member or friend, and left basically alone.

Thankfully in the weddings this last year, I've been seated with other friends in the room - even if it made the tables an odd number of people. It makes it easier to feel like you belong, at least a little bit, in a space focused on couples.

The other thing that I've noticed is challenging to navigate is a dance at a wedding. Depending on how this is done, it can be incredibly isolating for the older single adults in attendance - especially if they like to dance. 

It's one thing to dance with your friends - whether single or married - when you're a young adult. But, something changes when you're older and still single. There's not the same options of those to dance with in the group. Many couples will dance only with each other.

A thing I'm noticing is having some sort of a dance lesson as part of the dance. Can I just be honest and say that, unless this is done very carefully, it's a part of the wedding celebration that calls out those who are single and isolates them completely. If the dance is a partner dance, the older single adult is sitting on the sidelines - almost always by themselves - feeling like they don't actually belong in the space.

At one of these recent weddings, I experienced the dance and dance lesson happening in a very welcoming way for everyone there. It was a wedding for a friend who was single longer and we talked on many occasions on how to navigate life, church, family, and any other aspect of life as a single adult often. Somehow, this friend structured the dance lesson and subsequent dance in such a way that everyone was able to participate and enjoy the dancing. Maybe it helped that there were many more older single adults at this wedding than some others . . .

But, I wonder if being intentional about not inviting people to grab their partner to start the dance lesson can help. Maybe mixing in a large number of line dances, group dance songs . . . places to include everyone, even if they came to the wedding alone, in the dancing.

There are some areas of life that are more challenging to navigate as a single adult. And weddings can definitely be one of them.

I don't have solutions to all the challenges or prescriptions for how things should be done, but maybe we can have a conversation. Maybe as we have the conversation, we can learn and grow together.

Sharing the Other Perspective

 I had a brief conversation with a friend recently that made me realize the need to explain things where the perspective is different. It wasn't about anything that would have a huge impact on someone's life, but it was still important.

We were talking about going to a movie. My friend made the comment that you didn't really need to book movie tickets together, because you would be watching a movie, not talking anyways. In theory, that's true. But, there's also something I realized in the moment that made her experience of going to the movies different than mine.

She made the comment under the assumption that was going with her husband, and meeting others at the movie was a nice, but not necessary thing. Not a spoken assumption, or even one she was necessarily aware of. I had a choice in that moment: I could say nothing and let it be, or I could help her see it from my perspective. This was a good friend, so I decided to say something in that conversation.

As a single person, I want to book and purchase the movie tickets together, so that we're sitting together. Even though we're not talking during the movie, it matters that I'm sitting with people I know if we talked about going to the movie together. If I book my ticket on my own, I'll likely be sitting completely alone for movie; whereas, for my friend, she's sitting with her husband.

I'm not opposed to or afraid of going to things by myself. I do it a lot. But, when I talk about doing things with someone, I want to actually sit with them. Sitting alone in a movie theater, even knowing I have friends in the theater, doesn't quite feel like what the plan was, and it can make me feel on the outside again.

I share this experience, not to talk about going to the movies, or about going to things alone. I share it to highlight how easily we can misunderstand people and take offense it we're not willing to dig deeper.

I could have said nothing and let my feelings of not being understood fester, but that wouldn't have helped me or my friend. It likely would have damaged our friendship, at least for a bit.

By saying something, our friendship gained more understanding of each other instead. I didn't belabour the point. I simply stated it and we moved on, but it was an important couple of minutes.

People Are Complex

Today was a day where I got unexpected, yet somewhat expected news, about someone I grew up with. Not, the kind of news you want to get about someone and the end of their life.

I wasn't surprised that things came to this. But, I also wasn't prepared for it to come to this.

It's made me think about how people are complex beings. And that makes relationships complex things.

This person had their challenges. They were hard to be with at times. Unpredictable. 

At the same time, underneath all the pain in their life, they had a heart of gold. They cared about the people around them, even if they had a difficult time expressing it or acting like it at times.

Isn't that true of so many people?

Even if there are challenges and difficulties in our relationships with them, there's often also good things in those same relationships.

I'm not talking about relationships where it's dangerous to be with them. That's different.

But, when that's not the case, we live with these complex situations all the time.

I'm honestly not sure how to wrap this up today. These are the thoughts running through my mind as the reality of this news sinks in.

Knowing People's Names Isn't Enough

 Have you ever been in a place where you knew the name of many people in the room and you still felt alone & disconnected?

Maybe you even knew a few facts about the people - their job, if they're married, if they have kids - but you still leave that event feeling like you didn't really connect with anyone?

It's likely you know exactly what I'm talking about. You probably have your own experiences of it. It's something common to many people.

This way of living and interacting has become the norm in our culture. But, it isn't how God has designed us to live. We feel lonely and disconnected because we're missing some of the things that are vitally important to having the community we were created for.

Knowing people's names and factual information about them is not enough. We have to go beyond those surface conversations with some people. That's what we were made for that we're missing.

In our appearance and image-obsessed culture, we've sacrificed being real. We're so focused on how we appear on social media and to the strangers we pass as we run our errands, that we don't share what's really going on.

Even the "struggles" we share in our attempts to "be real" in these environments are carefully chosen. We share carefully crafted words and things that are still planned to make others think well of us.

What we're actually longing for people where we don't have to think about what we share. 

We need people who will genuinely celebrate the good things in life with us. 

People we can laugh so hard with that we cry or snort and we don't care.

People who will sit and cry with us.

People we can ugly cry in the same space as without worrying what they think of us.

People who will sit with in whatever is going on without giving advice or trying to fix it.

People who will ask us the hard questions and tell us the hard truth when we need it.

We've sacrificed this for surface=level conversations where we maintain our image. And we're lonelier than ever because of it.

The only solution is to take the risk and invite people into this kind of community with us. To move beyond the surface-level conversations to deeper conversations.

Creating a Community that Includes All

 As we begin a new year of Bible studies, small groups, classes, and other plans in our churches, I've been thinking a lot about how we create a community where everyone feels welcome and included. Where marital status and life circumstances don't define the only places where you belong and where you don't.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have singles' groups, divorce groups, men's & women's groups, marriage groups at all. Those are important and have a place.

But they can't be all we offer.

We need more where all the people who are part of these different groups are also living life together.

We like to talk about being the family of God, but sometimes I think we forget what that means.

If you look at an extended family, it typically includes a variety of people. Some married, some single, some kids, some without kids. But, that doesn't stop the people in that family from coming together.

If we are the family of God, then we should have all different people - of varying ages, genders, and marital statuses - mingling together. Leaning how to live life together. Learning from each other and with each other.

But, we don't always do this well. Obviously, we're naturally drawn to people whose lives look similar to ours. When lives look similar, we have easy things to connect on. It can come much easier than connecting with someone whose life looks different.

When we only connect with the people it's easy to connect with, we miss out on a richness of friendships that comes if we go beyond the obvious connections with people. We have to choose to take the time and make the space to build relationships that take work. This is the opposite of our instant society, but it's worth it.

So, all of our ministries cannot be segregated by marital status, or age, or gender. We can help these rich relationships form and make everyone feel welcome by not always labelling our small groups or activities with a marital status, gender, or age. And those who lead need to welcome and include all who come through the door.

It's that simple and that hard all at the same time.

Risking to Let Someone In

 

Clear blue skies.

Fluffy white clouds floating by.

Afternoon sun making it feel much warmer than the 30 degrees the temperature says it is.

A gentle breeze keeping almost comfortable.

The cool water of the creek flowing over our feet.

Birds chirping in the trees surrounding me.

The sound of rushing water providing the background for the chirping birds.

I honestly don't know what could be more peaceful. A respite from the busyness and stress of life. Calm in the middle of storms.

The tree across the creek from me stands tall and barren. A white pole in the midst of the lush green. From this distance I can't tell if it's dead or alive. I can get close enough to see if there are buds or signs of life.

It makes me wonder if we could say the same things about our lives.

How often do we stand alone, feeling barren, in the midst of lush life around us?

We've kept people at a distance. They can't tell if there's life in us or not. No one knows looking at us from the outside. No one gets close enough to actually see.

Unlike this tree, we make the choice to keep everybody at a distance. We build up the walls and protections to keep people from knowing what's really going on. We isolate and self-protect.

We think we're doing a good thing, but we end up actually causing ourselves harm. In our quest to look like we have it all together, we close ourselves up from what we really need. While trying to keep from getting hurt by others, we actually hurt ourselves.

So what does it look like to open up? To all others in? To allow people to see if there are signs of life?

It means taking a risk. We have to be intentional about opening up with others. And that might mean we get hurt sometimes. But, for all the times it does go well when we risk letting people in, it will be worth it to take the risk.

So, who is one person in your life you can take the risk with?

And, what is one thing you can risk sharing?

Pursuing Community as a Single Adult

 Our culture prides itself on independence - on not needing other people. We do everything ourselves and often by ourselves. It's often what we announce to others in our social media posts and face-to-face interactions.

As a single adult, the pressure to be able to do it all sometimes feel unnecessarily high. It's seen of a sing of achieving some level of maturity to live alone. Being able to look after all your needs in every area - work, home, family, etc - is an achievement of sorts that should be announced to the world.

But, it's also lonely. It's hard some days to go home, because it means I won't see anyone, often until the next day. I miss the interaction with people. It makes it hard to take vacation sometimes, because at least if I go to work, I see and interact with people for part of everyday.

There's also been an abundance of news stories, and the studies to back it up, that we are the loneliest generation in history, especially in the western world. We've built lives and created systems that segregate  and isolate us. We've allowed disagreement to drive us apart. We've become too dependent on demographic information about people to determine if we'll communicate or get to know one another.

But this isn't how God designed us to live. God created us to live in community. To know and be known by people. To need each other. To help each other. To get into each other's lives and speak truth - even when it's hard. To encourage, care for, support each other.

And as a single adult, these are even more important, but it also seems like my singleness presents an obstacle to many in the church when it comes to including me. Even though there are some differences in our lives, there are also many things that are similar. Being single is far from the only thing about me that there is to know.

I know it's possible to have community with people whose lives all look very different on the surface. Until a few years ago, I was part of a caregroup, where this kind of community was what we had.

So, how do we do this? What does it look like to pursue community?

It takes us being intentional with our relationships with people. We have to make an effort to connect. And then, we need to actually learn to admit when we have a need and let people help us. We have to choose to invite people into our lives and respond to their invitations for us to come into their lives.

And we need to let it happen with people whose lives may not look completely identical to ours on the surface. That's sometimes where the richest community can happen. 

I was reminded of this last night. I was sitting in Starbucks with a group of women from a Bible study at church. At a glance, we didn't have a lot in common, but we talked and laughed and enjoyed the time together for the evening. And, some of my closest friendships have come from groups exactly like this.

How are you pursuing community?

Are you willing to admit when you need help from someone? And give someone the opportunity to to help us?

Are you willing to be intentional about seeking people out and building relationships with them?

What We Really Need

 A recent Friday night involved a movie night with my sister and my niece. Even though I'm not someone who watches a lot of movies, there was something really enjoyable about settling in on the couch together with a bowl of popcorn to watch the movie.

We watched "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish". If you've watched any of the Shrek movies, then you'll be familiar with this character, who takes center stage in this movie.

Without giving away too much of the movie, it's about the pursuit of a wish and the challenges and obstacles to get there. And the people (well, fairy tale characters) along the way. As is typical for these types of movies, it's a "happily ever after" ending.

But, it was some of the things along the way that made me think. They reminded me of some very important things. That that are actually needed as we go through life and face what comes our way.

If you remember the character of Puss in Boots from the Shrek movies, you know he was very independent and claimed not to need anyone. But, this independent, push everyone away way of living has a cost. When things get hard, or there's opposition, he doesn't have anywhere or anyone to turn to - at least at first.

As I watched, I was struck by how often that is our story - how often it's my story. When things are going well, we push people away because we can do it on our own. We may not even realize we're doing so. 

And then we don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to when life gets hard. Or we do, but we're not in the habit of doing so, and it seems that much more difficult to do so. We feel like we have to keep quiet about it and keep looking like we have it all together.

Opposition comes and we're facing the battle alone.

Attacks from the enemy come and we're more susceptible because we're standing alone and exposed.

This isn't how we were meant to live. It's not what God intended.

What God created us for looks more like this:

Fear comes and we tell those walking with us. They help us walk through the fear. They encourage us, hold us up, remind us we can get through it.

Opposition comes and we have people around us who can fight for us and with us.

Attacks from the enemy come and we're protected because we stand with others. We have others around us who help protect our weak and vulnerable spots.

By the end of the movie, these lessons have been learned by Puss in Boots and the other characters along the journey. The care they have for one another is visible as they all "live happily ever after."

I know that real life doesn't always wrap up nicely like a movie, but the lesson are still the same.

Please Don't Touch me Without my Permission

 I don't know if I'm just more aware of it since the start of COVID and physical distancing, or if people are just different now, but in the last while I've felt like there's an increase in people just invading my personal space.

I'm not talking about people I know, who have my permission to get in my space. I learned in the last few years just how much I need that. We were made to have physical contact with others and I don't think I'll take that for granted ever again.

But, it feels like I've noticed an increase in the numbers of people I don't know or barely know wanting to give me a hug - particularly at church. And, when I politely say "no thanks", they're either offended or they just keep trying. Some week after week, until I feel myself backing away every time they get anywhere near where I am.

I assume the other person has good intentions. That they're not intentionally setting out to make me uncomfortable.

But, that doesn't change the facts that they are making me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in that moment.

For me, anything more than a handshake when greeting someone is reserved for my family and my friends, not every person I see at church. It it's an appropriate moment of prayer for someone and both people are okay with it, a hand on a  shoulder in prayer can be a good thing.

But, I struggle with those who push for a hug or unexpectedly touch my back or my shoulder. If I'm not giving permission for that, then it shouldn't be happening.

And I'm watching this happen with kids too. The number of times I've seen my niece have to deal with this in church too. Just because she's a kid doesn't mean she should be okay with it. In fact, her being a kid, means it should only be at her invitation. She gets to decide if she's okay with that.

We don't what a person we see at church, who isn't a close friend, may be dealing with or feeling in that moment. Whey may not be comfortable with physical touch in that moment, or touch from you, and we should be respecting that. If someone is uncomfortable with the hug, then we should respect that and give them the space - not take it personally.

Is a Singles' Ministry Necessary?

 Should churches have ministries for singles?

This question brings a wide array of responses. Most are often strongly felt.

I'll get to how I answer the question specifically a little bit later. Before I get there, I want to talk a little more broadly.

If you take a look at a typical church calendar, you'll likely see an assortment of groups, programs, studies, and ministries filling it. Some of these open to anyone and others for specific demographics - kids, youth, young adults, men, women, seniors, etc. Those are pretty normal for us in a church. We've created programs and ministries that reach specific ages with relative ease, alongside things for all ages.

The purpose of why we've created all these things is to create space for community and connection. We're creating space for people to get to know each other and walk through life together.

If you look at a typical church calendar, you'll also see marriage groups and studies on it. But, one thing you rarely see is singles' ministries.

And that is a problem in my experience.

We create ministries and opportunities to connect for lots of specific groups in our churches. All in the name of creating the community we all need to really live the life God created us for. So, why have we not done this for singles?

Statistics show that single adults are a growing segment of the population in general, and those in our churches. But, except for some programs for those who are divorced or single parents, we don't typically provide other things. 

I'm not talking about a place to find people to date - although that may happen sometimes as a result of a singles ministry. I'm talking about a place to form friendships and community with people whose life circumstances are similar.

While I connect with many people from all life circumstances, and some of the people I call my closest friends are married, there's something about connecting with other people who are single past college-age. There's an understanding that those in my life who were married in their 20s just don't have because their experience is different. There's things you don't have to explain.

For this reason, I think we need singles ministries in our churches. Not as the only place for people who are single, but as part of the larger choice of ministries to get involved with.

Anxiety and the Church

 As today is a day where many are talking about mental health struggles, I'm taking a break this week from my series on singleness and the church to talk about another topic we still need to discuss more in the church.

Mental health struggles . . . depression . . . anxiety . . . and the church.

I think it's an important topic to discuss because it's misunderstood too often and the simplified answers or advice we give does more harm than good.

This is something I'm passionate about because I've lived this struggle. I go through life with social anxiety disorder and tendencies toward general anxiety. At times, individual people within the church have been very supportive and helpful. I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and acquaintances who had sought to better understand what this actually means and how they can love me best and walk through it with me.

These are the friends who follow me when I leave abruptly and sit with me when I' struggling. The friends who et me know they're with me. The friends who have sat outside with me in all kinds of weather. The friends who have offered the words of their prayers when I wasn't able to say them myself.

But, I've also, unfortunately, experienced judgement, a lack of caring, and accusations of not having enough faith in God when I've shared about this. While I have seen a much greater desire to understand and support people in the 20+ years I've lived knowing I have social anxiety disorder (although likely long before knowing that, it impacted me), there are times when I realize that there's still a ways to go in understanding it all. 

It really is a journey to learn and understand. It took me some time to really start to get it and I was living it. So, when it doesn't hit personally, I can only imagine that it takes more work.

So, where to start?

Let's start with the idea that a struggle with anxiety is a reflection of a lack of faith or trust in God. Honestly, this is probably the hardest thing to hear, because nothing could be further from the truth. The truth, my struggle with anxiety has driven me to trust God and call out to Him more than pretty much anything else in my life. It's how I get through the hard days. And I've talked to enough Christians who also live with anxiety to know that it's true for many. 

I often wonder if part of our struggle is how broad the definition of anxiety is. But, we take a one-size-fits-all approach to how we understand the word. 

According to the Meriam-Webster Dictionary, anxiety is defined like this:

apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill

medical: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

mentally distressing concern or interest

That's a pretty broad definition that encompasses many things. From the force that gets you to move quickly out of the way of a car coming at you, to the everyday worries and concerns that we all deal with, to a fear that completely paralyzes you. I think this is one of the reasons why we struggle to handle conversations about anxiety well and have so much misunderstanding.

We hear the word anxiety and, rather than trying to understand what the person means by it, we jump straight to verses like Philippians 4:6-7 and 1 Peter 5:7 as the solution. And those are great verses from Scripture, filled with truth and great practices for all of us to incorporate into our lives.

But, there's so much more that anxiety could be. We often use the word to describe an actual medical disorder, where our brains don't work like they should. I know I have often said "I have anxiety" rather than an anxiety disorder and that has contributed to some of the unhelpful conversations I've had.

Maybe we need to learn to ask a little more and then listen to what someone says when they start talking about anxiety, before we make assumptions about what they actually mean.

So, why is just quoting a couple of Scriptures or telling someone to pray or have more faith a problem?

It's presenting a simplified answer to something that's usually much more complex. 

Sure, the Scripture you quote is absolutely true.

Yes, prayer can help.

And faith in God is definitely important.

But, if I (and others) say I'm anxious in that moment, my brain is likely going so crazy I can't focus enough to read my Bible or pray much. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to try to maintain some semblance of control on the outside.

I don't need direction on what I should do. I need support as I walk through it. I just need to know you care.

So, what can we do to handle this better in the church?

1. Ask what someone means by anxiety before we throw Scripture or other directives at them.
2. Pray for them while you're with them.
3. Most of all, stop before we make assumptions about someone's faith and trust in God.