Showing Up & Asking for Help

 "Would you like me to drive you?"

In a simple question in a text, a friend reminded me a few weeks ago that I had a community to do life with. That I didn't have to do it all on my own.

The truth is: I know this. 

When I think about it, I know that I have a number of people who I could have asked. People who would have been willing to say yes, if they could.

But, in the moment, it can be hard to make the ask. In a world where doing it all on your own is prized & encouraged, it's easy to not ask. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking I need to be a strong, independent, single woman & do it on my own.

Yet, going all the way back to Genesis, we see that God said it wasn't good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Whether you see this verse as being specifically related to marriage or not, there is one thing we can be sure of: God didn't intend for us to do this life alone. Scripture continues to remind us of this as we read it (see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 & Hebrews 10:23-25). We were created to need each other, to do life together.

A simple text with a simple question. A friend giving of their time to drive me to an appointment, wait for me, & drive me home. It reminded me of a powerful truth.

We don't have to do this alone. We can & should ask others for help when we need it. This is how God intended us to live.

And it challenged me as a single person. Sometimes it can be easy to use the fact that I live alone & can look after myself as an excuse not to ask for help when I need it. 

The truth was that I really did need someone to go with me to that appointment, but I wasn't going to ask. I was afraid of imposing on someone (. . . & yes, I know some of you reading this will be quick to tell me it's not that). I was afraid of looking like I couldn't handle things on my own.

But, as single adults, we need to have that community around us that can help us when we need. People we can call or text when we need a ride somewhere, or just need to know we're not alone. 

Lie #7: Single Adults Can't Talk to Married People of the Opposite Sex

 Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men & women of the opposite sex because it has the appearance of evil.

This one is a tricky one. I'm just going to acknowledge that from the start.

But, I'm also going to state right away: something I need a man's perspective on something. And, if I can never talk to one who I know enough to value his perspective, where am I supposed to get that?

I'm not talking multiple, long, one-on-one conversations. That obviously crosses a line. But, a shorter conversation in a public space with other people around shouldn't be a problem, especially when the married person's spouse is aware & okay with it.

God created us different. We see things differently from the people around us. And sometimes that different perspective is needed. It's important we have space for it.

In our desire to avoid the appearance of anything evil, I think we're made something a problem that shouldn't be. We've actually taught people to be afraid of talking to someone of the opposite sex, rather than teaching them how to have healthy interactions. And we've made it an even bigger issue if one of the people is married & the other is single.

Instead of helping people have healthy boundaries with interactions with the opposite sex, we've done exactly the thing we accuse our culture of doing. We've sexualized everything about the interactions of a man & woman. Whether we intended to or not, we've told people - especially single women - that they are sexual objects & therefore cannot have a conversation with a man, because it will go places it should never go.

Maybe that sounds harsh to you, but it's something I've been told by multiple people in different settings over the years. It hurts every time I hear it, because I'm being reduced to a sexual object & my motives are being assumed to be impure without a second thought.

Remember, I'm talking about a conversation in the church foyer or other place where others are around - not a one-on-one conversation along. Sometimes, the conversation with the married person's spouse included, & always with their knowledge.

Instead of fear, let's learn to have healthy interactions with each other. Let's learn to respect & honour each other.

Lie #6: God Will Give Marriage or a Gift of Singleness to Everyone

 Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or He'll give them a gift of singleness instead.

I've lost count of the number of times I've had someone promise me that God will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4), when I tell them I still want to be married one day. Or 1 John 5:15,

"And we know that if He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that He hears what we asked of Him."

Both of these verses are amazing truths from Scripture. But, in the moment I express a desire to be married one day, they fall short. It spiritualizes an answer to a deep longing, rather than validating it - a classic example of spiritual bypassing.

But, the answer I've received a few times that surprised me was when I was told if I was still single I must have the gift of singleness so I should be happy being single. (I've written about the issues with the idea of a gift of singleness here & here.)

Again, this is a place where we easily make a promise that Scripture doesn't actually say. Throughout Scripture, it talks about how we are being transformed more and more into the image of God. As this happens, our desires do begin to line up more & more with God's will & then He can delight to give us the desires of our hearts.

But, nowhere in Scripture does it promise marriage just because it's something you desire. We all know from life in general that we often don't get everything we desire. So to assume that God will automatically give it to us when it's marriage feels out of place with what we know to be true.

We can learn with desires that aren't fulfilled & still have longings. We don't have to have some sort of special gift of singleness to live as a single person.

The thing we need when we're longing for marriage as a single person or listening to someone else share that longing with us is to sit with each other in it. Not in a wallowing in it & being depressed about it, but in acknowledging the longing & all that goes with it.

Lie #5: Pornography is Only a Man's Problem

Life #5: Men are visual, so pornography is only a man's problem. 

When you hear someone mention pornography from the front, how often do they begin talking about it by addressing the men in the room?

If your experience is like mine, then it's the majority of the time. And, if anything for women is mentioned, it's to do with romance novels only. The most common reason I've heard for why when I've asked about it is because men are visual & women aren't.

At the risk of sharing something I'll later regret posting in a public place. In those six words at the end of the last paragraph, I am pushed to the sidelines - unseen & not understood. I don't fit that stereotype.

So, I'm just going to state it clearly: pornography is a problem for all people. It's not just a problem for men. All of us can fall into it's trap. And reading romance novels or getting caught up in romance movies is not just a woman's thing. We can't use gender to put people in boxes.

I can hear some of the protests I've heard before: But, it's generally true, so it's okay to say that.

I have two responses: First, how do we know that? Are there fact & statistics to back up that claim? Or does it just appear that way because we've always said that so no one will say differently because they don't want to be see as weird?

Second, even if the statistics do say it's more likely to be men, by generalizing we're leaving a group of people who don't fit the stereotype along with no resources & without a place to ask for help.

So, rather than being so specific in our conversations, can we just talk about the problem & create a safe space for all to ask for help to find freedom?

Lie #4: It's Okay, or It's an Unforgivable Sin

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's an unforgivable sin. 

Okay, I really never intended to write about this topic, but you can't address the larger topic of this series without talking about it . . . so, here we go . . .

There seems to be two sides to this one. Neither of them really helpful. In fact, I would say that both are harmful.

On the one hand, I've heard people say that, in the absence of a partner to fulfill sexual desire with, there is only one right choice. On the other, I've heard people say that because it's not exactly as God designed it, it's an unforgivable sin.

Both of these views cause hurt. The both provide an over-simplified answer to the question of how to handle sexual desire. As I wrote in my post on Lie #3, this is a challenging topic & one that makes us uncomfortable.

Let's go back to where I started many of these posts. God created sex & gave us sexual desire. The fact that we have it, is not a sin or something we should seek to remove from our lives.

What we should be doing is seeking to honour God in how we handle it. And that actually means we can't just speak in absolutes about it.

Questions & conversations around this come from a desire to live a life that honours God & we cause harm when we just declare an absolute without acknowledging the real struggle of people.

In my opinion, I don't think either statement is right. They're different sides of the same lie.

I will leave you with this. God's design for our sexuality is clear in Scripture. And we have to wrestle with what it looks like for us to live it out.

While this may not be God's intended plan for how we deal with sexual desire, it also isn't sin that God can't forgive us for. Like all sin, God offers forgiveness when we repent. 

God's forgiveness doesn't give us a license to just do whatever we want. But, it should make us think.

How can I handle this in a way the honours God & live according to God's commands in Scripture?

 As with all things, our handling of sexual desire should be something we're constantly taking to God.

Lie #3: Sexual Desire Has an Easy Solution

 Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

In some ways this could be a continuation of lie #2. They're definitely related, but I think there's some important differences to acknowledge here.

I've had experiences with two answers to any discussion regarding sexual desire in a single person - both answers seem to be designed to shut down the discussion as having a simple solution.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes:

"Now to the unmarried & the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (verses 8-9)

These words have been essentially thrown at me as a solution to a problem, without acknowledging the complexity of it.

Here's the challenge, marriage takes two people. Hopefully, two people who are seeking to live according to God's plan. That means it's not just as simple as telling someone to get married to solve the problem of their sexual desire. We don't have to look far to realize that "solution" doesn't work; if it did, we wouldn't see the problems we see in marriage.

Yes, Paul tells us that marriage is a place where sexual desire can be met. But, when we look at the larger context of what he is saying there's more going on here. He was valuing singleness & living out God's plan in that. While, at the same time, he was acknowledging there's a struggle with singleness & sexual desire.

The other words that have been thrown my way in this come from Isaiah 54:5,

"For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer."

The implication with this one, & sometimes the words that go along with it, are that if Jesus is my husband, than I shouldn't struggle with this. I should be able to have all of my desires completely satisfied in Jesus, & shouldn't need anything else.

Yes, we should all be seeking to be satisfied in God. But, there is still something different in having a person who you can actually see & be with.

Instead, we need to acknowledge this is a complex situation, without a simple solution. And sometimes, it's a very painful reality for those of us who are single. When we desire to live according to God's plan for our sexuality as a single person, that means that sexual desire is something we still have, but we don't have an obvious way to deal with it in accordance with God's plan. 

So, as with so much of what I've been writing, we need to actually practice honouring & sitting with the uncomfortableness of all of this, instead of looking for quick solutions to throw at someone.

Lie #2: Singles Should Pray Away Sexual Desire

 Lie #2: Sexual desire should be prayed away if you are single.

Think for a moment about the sermons & other teaching you've heard on handling sexuality. How many of them have said anything about handling sexual desire? How many of them that did gave the only solutions as either asking God to remove it, or going to your spouse to meet it?

I'm not saying that either of those things are wrong or sinful suggestions. Just that they're woefully incomplete - especially for single adutls.

God created us as sexual beings. That means He's the One who gave us sexual desires. He created them. Prior to the fall, they were uncorrupted & could be fully met in marriage as He intended.

But, like everything else, when sin entered the world these desires were corrupted. And we see the evidence of that in our world today.

So, how do we present a better solution as a way to handle sexual desires - especially when we're speaking to singles?

Prayer is a good solution. But praying for God to take remove the desire isn't the answer. It's part of how God created us. A better solution is to take the desire to God in prayer - asking for His help to manage it. And this applies to all of us, whether married or single. Be honest about the struggle with Him. It won't remove it, but it will help us get through it. I've had many times when that is the only way I was able to manage things.

A final word to those who may have a single person in their life who trusts them enough & is desperate enough in this area to be honest with you about a struggle with sexual desire they can't fulfill in living according to God's Word:

don't push the honesty away because you're uncomfortable.

Don't give some words about being satisfied in God being enough (because it's not the same). Just sit with them & care. Acknowledge they admitted to a struggle. Be willing to admit that you don't have an answer or a solution for them. Even if you don't get their struggle, you can still care & sometimes that means more than anything else could.

Can we stop telling people - all people, whether married or single - that the solution to sexual desire is their spouse or asking God to remove the desire He gave us?

Lie #1: Marriage is a Reward for Purity

 Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Raise your hand if you grew up in the church in the 1990s or early 2000s.

This was probably something you heard often. Maybe not the exact words, but in some form. Often not stated directly, but implied in a lot of teaching that came out of purity culture.

Essentially, purity culture was teaching teenagers about the importance of abstinence & saving sex for marriage because it was God's plan. Good things & true things, but if often used shame or fear to control this behaviour. It came with signing pledge cards & "true love waits" rings.

I've written about purity culture in the past (here & here), so I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining it all. But, along with the teaching of purity culture came some implied promises that are actually lies.

We were told that staying sexually pure meant God would reward us with marriage & sex would be good. Conversely, we were also told that because sex outside of marriage made you damaged goods, you wouldn't have this. The latter never being explicitly stated, but always there alongside it.

And this has lingered in the things we say & think today, as many of us have become adults.

Can I ask you a question here: where does God promise marriage & good sex to everyone who follows His plan for sexuality in Scripture? 

Can't find it?

That's because it doesn't say that. 

Scripture tells us that there are consequences we'll live with as a result of not following God's plan for our sexuality.

Scripture outlines what God's plan is for our sexuality. But Scripture doesn't say if you follow God's plan in this area, you will be rewarded with a good marriage & sex.

So, can we please stop telling people this?

We need to stop making promises God doesn't make. Both for the sake of the next generation &f or the older singles in our churches. 

When we continue to declare this to people, we can have the consequence of making people feel like there's something wrong with them or they've done something wrong because it hasn't happened for them that way.

I've wrestled with it myself & I've sat with other single Christians who were wrestling with it in their own lives. When people imply this lie is true, it causes unnecessary heartache & pain for people.

 We need to teach God's truth about sex without adding promises to it. Keep it to what God's Word says, & just that.

The Lies We've Been Telling Singles & What We Should Say Instead

 What have you been told about sex, sexual desire, & intimacy?

If you could get past any uncomfortableness you have with talking about these things, what would you say to someone who asked you about it?

What would you say to someone who was single about these topics?

Scripture is abundantly clear on God plan & design for sex & intimacy. However confused our culture is, many within Christianity would agree that God designed sex for one man & one woman within marriage.

Great.

That's a good foundation.

But, we all know there's more to it than that. With this part of us, that God designed when He created us, comes questions & struggles. We have to figure out how to honour God in this area in a culture that doesn't.

So, going back to the questions I opened with; what if I told you that some of your answers were lies? Or, at the very least, overly simplistic answers to complex & honest questions? Especially when it comes to the growing number of older singles in our churches.

I know, some of you are frustrated with me right now. I'm okay with that. This topic is more nuanced that we would like & we need to wrestle with it.

So, what are the lies or simplistic answers we're giving?

Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Lie #2: Sexual desires should be prayed away if you're single.

Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's the unforgivable sin.

Lie #5: Men are visual; so pornography is only a man's problem.

Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or  He will give them a gift of singleness in return.

Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men or women of the opposite sex because it gives the appearance of evil.

Including Singles in Our Discussions About Sexuality

 Why is it that all of our conversations about sex & intimacy in the church we talk almost exclusively about marriage?

Statistics show that the number of single adults sitting in our church pews is growing & could be as high as half the people in some settings. So, when we only talk about these topics in relation to marriage, we're actually telling a significant number of people listening the topic doesn't apply to them. We're excluding them, while they're sitting in front of us.

I know I'll get pushback that those words sound harsh. But, they're true & I couldn't think of another way to say it.

When we talk about sex & intimacy exclusively in relation to marriage we're excluding a significant number of people who are sitting right there.

Hear me on this: I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about it in marriage. That's an important part of God's design & what Scripture says. We have to make that teaching clear in a world that is confused about it. But, it can't be all we say.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why this happens in churches so frequently, because I don't think it's intentional, or something we typically realize. In doing so, I realized that every teaching I've heard on this has come from someone who is married & most of them got married fairly young. All the teaching has been well-studied & clear, but, truthfully, those teaching don't have a frame of reference for what it's like to be single long past when they got married & still have sexual desire, or single again when that wasn't the plan. Nothing against them. Not angry at anyone for that. It's simply a fact that has an influence on the discussion & the teaching they present.

I don't know why I've never heard an older Christian single teach or talk about this. My guess is that we feel a bit uncomfortable with the topic, so we don't talk much about unmet sexual desire in the church. We know there's a problem with our culture's solutions, but we're hesitant to really engage in the conversation because it makes us uncomfortable or embarrassed - or, depending on the messaging around this topic we received growing up, ashamed.

But, I've been feeling for a while that we need to start the conversation. And, in the fall, I was in a setting where my pastor acknowledged the singles in the room & that there were different challenges while talking about this. In the two minutes he took to say something, I felt seen in the conversation. But, I also realized that those of us who have been single longer have to start the conversation.

So, the next handful of posts are going to attempt to start tackling this topic. Not a direction I ever thought I would be going, but it feels necessary.

What Singleness Is Not

 I saw something in my Facebook feed the other day that rubbed me the wrong way. As is often the case, it had to do with singleness & how Christians talk about it & often view it.

Whether meant exactly how it sounded to me at first read or not, the immediate read that I & others in the comments who have been singles for longer, had hurt. I always do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt & assume the best in their intentions, but that doesn't mean saying nothing when things should be said. Even if the way it was read was not the intent, when multiple people read it in a way that causes real pain, it reveals just how much the choice of  words matters.

So, I'm going to address what was written & how it was read here today.

Here's what I read:

"Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured, but rather, it's an important stage of life that needs to be passed through as God shapes us, molds us, & loves on us." (emphasis mine)

Now, I'm going to start with what's right & good & needs to be said more in the church. Too often, especially in the church, we view singleness as a disease. When we find out someone is single, we start looking for reasons why they are & solutions or cures to it.

We need to be clear in our refusal to see singleness as a disease to be cured or a problem to solved. This view has done much harm over the years to many, & I appreciate statements that challenge this thinking.

But, as good as the first part was, the rest of the statement was hard to read. It turned singleness into something we go through (see the underlined words in the statement above) as if it's a step toward maturity. It perpetuated the all too common & hurtful view that singleness is a temporary state for everyone. That it's somewhere people are for a while until they inevitably move to the next stage of life where they are married.

Here's the thing: Nowhere in Scripture is marriage promised for everyone. That means some of us will be single for all of our adult lives. 

And any real look around our churches today would reveal that. There are significant numbers of single adults sitting in our church pews on Sundays. 

Some sources put the number of single adults in our church on a Sunday as high as 50%. Now, that number does include divorced & widowed singles, but a number that high does mean there are a significant portion of adults of all ages who have never married in our churches.

To view singleness as a life stage to be passed through is actually as hurtful as seeing it as a disease to be cured. It's as painful as seeing singleness as a problem to be solved. It still devalues the individual & leaves them feeling as if they haven't arrived at some arbitrary marker of maturity expected for them.

If I were to rewrite what I read, I would say something like this:

Singleness is not a disease to be cured, or a problem to be solved, or a life stage to get through. Singleness is a fact of life for some people, that God uses for His purposes & His glory, regardless of whether it is short-term, long-term, or something a person returns to at a later point in life.

What Does Contentment Really Look Like?

A quote I read in a book recently, made me think. 

"If we . . . ask God for contentment, we should cancel our membership with speed dating pool, stop spending every waking minute on myperfectmatch.com, and trust that God will provide everything we need to minister Him (2 Corinthians 9:8). If we aren't ready to do these things, we should be honest with ourselves and tell God the truth: 'Dear God, please make me happy being single until I can fix my singleness'." (Alisha Plummer, "Confessions of a Christian Spinster")

When I read those words, they didn't sit right with me. While I could agree with a part of them, I immediately felt they took things too far.

The chapter of the book this quote is from is about contentment. About not allowing a desire for marriage to rob us of the life we have right now.

And there's truth to it all. If we're so focused on getting married, as singles, then we're going to miss out on the things God has for us right now. We need to be seeking contentment with our lives - even if we never get married.

But, I don't think that contentment in our lives as singles means we can't do anything to pursue things we desire. 

Contentment as a single doesn't mean I stop putting myself in places where I could meet someone to marry - whether in person or online - waiting for God to somehow provide me with someone to marry when there's nothing in my life that would give me a chance to meet someone.

Contentment actually means that I don't let me desire for marriage control me. It doesn't consume all of my thoughts & energy.

Contentment, for all of us, whether single or married, is about having your desires in the proper place, not about removing them altogether. 

We can be content with things in our lives & still have hope for something to be different in the future.

We can be content & still have desires for specific things - even be working towards those desires. Whether those are hopes & desires for marriage, or children, or a house, or a new job in a specific field.

When those desires are submitted to God, we are living in contentment. We choose to surrender our desires, by telling God what they are. We're honest about them. And then we choose to trust God that whatever happens is part of His will & He will use it for His purposes.

Who Do You Celebrate WIth?

 Who do you celebrate with?

I'm not talking about a major holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Or about who you would invite to a birthday party.

Who do you celebrate the everyday moments where something needs to be celebrated with?

The completion of a major project.

The good news after a health scare.

The fact that you followed through on something you were nervous or scared about.

Who do you celebrate these moments with?

The celebration may not be something big here. They often aren't, and they happen unplanned.

My guess is that the people you celebrate these times with are those you live with - your spouse, your kids, maybe your parents. These are often the easiest people to celebrate with because it doesn't require any planning. It's easier for it to be spur of the moment.

But, there is a segment of our population who are left out when this is seen as the way to celebrate these moments. For those of us who are singles and live alone, there's no one to celebrate with at home. We need friends & family to be available to celebrate those moments with us.

To change that requires intentionality. As singles we need to be willing to call or text friends & share. And we need those friends & family to take the time. It may be only a few minutes that you have, but it matters. And for the bigger things to celebrate, taking time to plan something more matters.

It really comes down to communication being the key. If we're not expressing what's important to us to celebrate, we can't expect people to know that it matters to us.

Singles Ministries Cannot be Just About Getting Them Ready for Marriage

 I saw a post on Instagram recently that frustrated me. The post talked about how singles ministry should focus on getting singles healthy mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they would be ready for marriages that are healthy.

When I read the first part, I agreed wholeheartedly. But, I quickly became frustrated by the reason given for why. Likely unintentionally, the post's author said that marriage should be the end goal for someone who is single, and that the worth of a single person comes from them focusing on being ready for marriage.

This was frustrating to read, and hurtful as a single adult in the church.

Let me start with a few questions for you to think about:

What are the five most important things you would want someone to know about you?

What do they say about who you are?

What do they reveal about what you value?

If you're married, then likely that would be one of the things on your list, but it's not the only thing.

If you're single that fact may or may not be on your list - depending on your experiences with telling people that.

Too often in the church, we have adopted the mindset that singleness is a problem to be solved. Whether we realize it or not, the language we use reveals this. In doing so, we limit the identity of a single adult to one thing - in a way that we don't for those who are married.

Your list of five things you would want someone to know about you likely includes a variety of information about who and what you value - whether you're married or single. If someone decided that married was the only thing that mattered about you and that it was a problem to be solved, you'd likely feel confined, seen as less than, under-valued.

But, we do that all the time to singles when we see singleness as a temporary situation or a problem to be solved. This is where the Instagram post I saw got it wrong.

Singles ministries in churches should be about helping singles become healthier mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they can live the abundant life Jesus offers. 

As soon as the focus becomes getting singles ready for marriage, we miss out on what God says about single adults as people. We need to see people for all of who they are, not just one thing that is part of them.

Don't Assume Things About What Works For Me

 In a conversation I was a part of recently there was an assumption made that caught me off guard. I was surprised because it was over something where I never would have thought being single made a difference.

And the more I've thought about it since then, the more I've come to the conclusion that my status as a single actually has no bearing on this particular thing. It isn't part of the equation here.

The fact that it was brought up at all is a reflection of how dangerous making assumptions is and of the ways we continue to misunderstand singles in some places.

Let me start with the specific situation this relates to. A group of us were having a conversation and somehow got on the optic of kitchen size. I made a comment about my kitchen being small, not having a lot of counter space. The response I received was that it was okay that my kitchen was small because I was single.

I was just so surprised at the time that I said nothing in response. But, as I've thought about it since, I've figured out how I would respond in the future to a similar comment.

Only from the perspective of the number of people being in space does my being single matter. There's rarely more than just me in my kitchen.

But, it stops there. Whether there's one person or three people in my kitchen, the fact is that you quickly run out of counter space when you're cooking. Cooking for one person doesn't mean I don't need space for a cutting board to chop veggies or meat, somewhere to put the dishes as I use them to prep, and all the other things that take up space when you cook. That still takes up the same amount of space.

That is just an example of a situation where an assumption was made based on my status as single. In the grand scheme of things, a fairly harmless one. I was left a little bothered, but it didn't impact my life in big ways.

But, it does highlight a danger that comes with making assumptions. It's easy to make assumptions based on our limited understanding of a situation, or the first thoughts that come to mind. But, we often either don't have all the information about something or we haven't walked through the implications of the our assumption when we make it. The can be incredibly hurtful to the person we make our assumption known to.

We have to learn to change this. We have to take the time to check our assumptions before we move forward with them. And that takes time and intentionality.

To go back to the conversation that referenced this:

I know for sure that with more people more space in the kitchen is required. I cook most major holiday meals in my Mom's kitchen, which is quite a bit bigger than mine. There's definitely space to have 2 or 3 of us in in.

And, the one time that Thanksgiving dinner had to be moved to my house, it truly was a challenge to make it there. Even though the change also meant fewer people for the meal, we had slow cookers on the floor because there was no where else to put them.

So, in that conversation where I said my kitchen was small, how could things have proceeded differently without assumptions being made?

Just acknowledging that my kitchen is small. Maybe a comment that they couldn't imagine trying to cook with someone else in it. The most important part being no reference to me being singles as making it okay.

Even beyond someone's marital or family status this applies. This is just the example I have to share.

Where do you tend to make assumptions?

How can you do a better job of checking them before you state a potentially hurtful assumption?

Being "The Single Person" at a Wedding

Thinking about it a little more, a better title for this post may be Being "The Older Single Person" at a wedding. But, that just seems a bit awkward . . .

In the last year, I've been to a handful of weddings again. After many years of not having any, it seems that weddings have been more frequent again. The difference being, I'm not going as part of the group of single friends of the bride and/or groom (with one exception). I'm going, often, as the only single person over the age of 30 at the wedding. And, I'm discovering that makes a difference.

People expect there to be young adults at a wedding that are single. And, some of the things that have traditionally been a part of weddings for those who are single are still fun at that point.

But, as an older single adult, things are different. And, I'm grateful that some of those things haven't been part of recent weddings. Being called out as single at a wedding isn't fun at this point, so seeing those traditions left behind is a relief. 

I'm happy to see no bouquet tosses to the single women in attendance, or garter tosses to the single men. I'm just going to say it: those suck at my age, because it never fails that some well-meaning person at the wedding will make a big deal about the older single adult at the wedding getting up there, whether they want to or not.

Because a wedding is about two people coming together, they are often filled with unspoken and unacknowledged assumptions that make sense for those coming with a partner.

I've written about this before in other settings, but even in how seating is set up in even numbers is a challenge. When things are rigidly set up in even numbers, there isn't a space for the older single adult who comes to the wedding. They are seated with the young adults, or, maybe even worse, they're treated as the strange family member or friend, and left basically alone.

Thankfully in the weddings this last year, I've been seated with other friends in the room - even if it made the tables an odd number of people. It makes it easier to feel like you belong, at least a little bit, in a space focused on couples.

The other thing that I've noticed is challenging to navigate is a dance at a wedding. Depending on how this is done, it can be incredibly isolating for the older single adults in attendance - especially if they like to dance. 

It's one thing to dance with your friends - whether single or married - when you're a young adult. But, something changes when you're older and still single. There's not the same options of those to dance with in the group. Many couples will dance only with each other.

A thing I'm noticing is having some sort of a dance lesson as part of the dance. Can I just be honest and say that, unless this is done very carefully, it's a part of the wedding celebration that calls out those who are single and isolates them completely. If the dance is a partner dance, the older single adult is sitting on the sidelines - almost always by themselves - feeling like they don't actually belong in the space.

At one of these recent weddings, I experienced the dance and dance lesson happening in a very welcoming way for everyone there. It was a wedding for a friend who was single longer and we talked on many occasions on how to navigate life, church, family, and any other aspect of life as a single adult often. Somehow, this friend structured the dance lesson and subsequent dance in such a way that everyone was able to participate and enjoy the dancing. Maybe it helped that there were many more older single adults at this wedding than some others . . .

But, I wonder if being intentional about not inviting people to grab their partner to start the dance lesson can help. Maybe mixing in a large number of line dances, group dance songs . . . places to include everyone, even if they came to the wedding alone, in the dancing.

There are some areas of life that are more challenging to navigate as a single adult. And weddings can definitely be one of them.

I don't have solutions to all the challenges or prescriptions for how things should be done, but maybe we can have a conversation. Maybe as we have the conversation, we can learn and grow together.

Seeing Single Adults in the Church

 Since I wrote my last post I've been thinking about how we can do a better job including everyone in something that seems like it should be simple. But, in reality, it's not that easy.

I received a message after my last post asking if what I wrote meant I was saying that singles should have been one of the days' prayer prompts. The answer is yes. That signals single adults, are see seen, valued, and supported.

As I say that, I can picture some of cringing; others a little confused. Cringing because you've experienced singles being mentioned in any way in the church negatively and you don't want that to happen again. Confused because you don't know how that would be done.

The concern is valued. As a church, we haven't always handled singleness well. In fact, we've done, usually unintentionally, some very hurtful things when it comes to single adults in the church. So, the thought of bringing it up this way is scary. It feels like a set up for hurt . . . again. I feel that, even as I write this.

But, we have to take the chance, because we can't continue to fail to even mention this growing segment of our churches. If we're going to learn to do this well, we have to start with learning to do it all. As we learn, we need to do it by including the voices of single adults. Invite them into the conversation and let them lead in helpful directions.

As we learn to see and intentionally include single adults, there are two extremes we must avoid. Both are part of the unhelpful ways single adults in the church have been seen when they are mentioned.

The first unhelpful thing to avoid is to make an assumption that have lots of "extra" time for things and should fill whatever "holes" exist in church ministries. I've heard more people than I could count tell me I should step up to fill a need for volunteers "because you're single and have more time"  - even if it's something where I know my involvement would not help the need. In every case, the words have been said by someone who has no idea what my life is filled with.

While I may have a bit more flexibility in when I do things, I don't somehow have more time. After work, I am the only one to handle all the household tasks, vehicle maintenance, grocery shopping. And I still have a family I love and help. Then, there's the ministry things I have said yes to that I know I should be doing. I'm not sitting at home every evening just wondering what I should do with my time.

The second thing we must avoid is disqualifying single adults from leading or serving in specific areas just because they're single. I haven't personally experienced this, but I know some how have. Obviously, someone who has never been married probably shouldn't be leading a marriage course, but most for everything else marital status shouldn't matter. It we're going to see and value the single adults in our churches, we can't use their marital status to disqualify them.

So, how do I wrap this up?

A few things to move us forward:

1. Start talking specifically about single adults in our churches. Invite single adults to be a part of how that is communicated.

2. Avoid making assumptions about the life of single adults. Take time to get to know them as people.

3. Learn how to journey together and learn from each other. We won't do this perfectly, but we have to start somewhere if things are going to change.

When You Feel Unseen

 Have you ever had an experience where you felt unseen? An experience where it seemed like you weren't noticed even though you were right there?

It's quite possible that we've all had those experiences. We've all had the experience of feeling invisible even though we were in the same space.

Sometimes this not noticing is intentional. Someone or a group are intentionally choosing to ignore us and leave us out. 

But, I would guess that a lot of the time, maybe even most of the time, it's completely unintentional. The other people weren't specifically choosing not to see you, and they would be genuinely chocked and sorry if it was pointed out to them.

Unfortunately, as a single adult in the church this seems to happen often. In the focus on supporting and strengthening marriages in a culture where marriage is under attack, single adults aren't often mentioned. And then they are, it's for single parents and those healing from divorce. That leaves a growing segment of the population in churches never mentioned or acknowledged. I don't believe this is intentional, but it is what's happening.

I was reminded of this just recently during a focused time of prayer in my church. Daily prayer prompts were sent out to all who wanted to participate. I watched the groups of people to pray for each day come to my inbox . . . kids, youth, seniors, college/university students, marriages.

After seeing all of those come, I waited to see if another would come that was for the segment of the church I fit into was going to come. But, it never did come. 

We moved on to praying for other things.

Every single prayer prompt that landed in my inbox was important. All of them were things I was happy to be reminded to pray for.

But, there was still a bit of a sting. I felt unseen in the prayer prompts. While not intentional, those prayer prompts, once again, pushed single adults to the sidelines. Unless you also fit into the categories of seniors or a college/university student, there was no mention of you.

I don't believe this was intentional. I've written before about the western evangelical church's under-developed theology of singleness (although I'm seeing more good resources written in the recent years) and I think this is a result of that. We've focused on marriage and the value placed on God's standards for marriage - which we've needed to - to the exclusion of other adult realities. Because of that, we don't know how to include single adults in our prayer prompts. In doing so, we've lost sight of a growing segment of those who make up our churches.

Maybe you're reading this, and it's something you'd never thought about before. Or maybe you're reading this and nodding along with what I've written, because you've been in this same space before.

How so we respond when we feel unseen? Whether for these reasons or others.

First, I think we have to start with reminding ourselves that we can't assume it's intentional. More than likely, it's a unintentional.

Second, don't shove down the sting of it. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge what's going on for you.

Finally, we need to speak up. We need to say something. Don't stay quiet. We need the healthy conversations that come from saying something.

Sharing the Other Perspective

 I had a brief conversation with a friend recently that made me realize the need to explain things where the perspective is different. It wasn't about anything that would have a huge impact on someone's life, but it was still important.

We were talking about going to a movie. My friend made the comment that you didn't really need to book movie tickets together, because you would be watching a movie, not talking anyways. In theory, that's true. But, there's also something I realized in the moment that made her experience of going to the movies different than mine.

She made the comment under the assumption that was going with her husband, and meeting others at the movie was a nice, but not necessary thing. Not a spoken assumption, or even one she was necessarily aware of. I had a choice in that moment: I could say nothing and let it be, or I could help her see it from my perspective. This was a good friend, so I decided to say something in that conversation.

As a single person, I want to book and purchase the movie tickets together, so that we're sitting together. Even though we're not talking during the movie, it matters that I'm sitting with people I know if we talked about going to the movie together. If I book my ticket on my own, I'll likely be sitting completely alone for movie; whereas, for my friend, she's sitting with her husband.

I'm not opposed to or afraid of going to things by myself. I do it a lot. But, when I talk about doing things with someone, I want to actually sit with them. Sitting alone in a movie theater, even knowing I have friends in the theater, doesn't quite feel like what the plan was, and it can make me feel on the outside again.

I share this experience, not to talk about going to the movies, or about going to things alone. I share it to highlight how easily we can misunderstand people and take offense it we're not willing to dig deeper.

I could have said nothing and let my feelings of not being understood fester, but that wouldn't have helped me or my friend. It likely would have damaged our friendship, at least for a bit.

By saying something, our friendship gained more understanding of each other instead. I didn't belabour the point. I simply stated it and we moved on, but it was an important couple of minutes.

Navigating the Holiday Season Alone

 It's the time of year where it can feel like singleness is seen as more of an issue than otherwise. There's always times and places where not having a partner feel a bit awkward, but for some reason at this time of year, it's even more so than usual.

But the season of invitations sent to "you and your partner" has begun. These invitations even come from those who know you're single.

It's the season of walking alone into holiday parties that are completely set up for couples.

Or of net even being invited to things with people you usually spend lots of time with simply because you're single.

And that means it can be a season of more alone-ness. Of more feeling on the outside. A season of the pain of exclusion or differentness, all while being told to merry and joyful.

It can be hard. There have been times when I've wanted nothing more than to turn the pages on the calendar quickly so we can get past this all and things go back to normal.

As I've wrestled through how to navigate this time of year, I was looking for practical tips and tools. I wanted a clear way to manager this without the hurt. But, that's not what I found.

Instead, I found myself drawn to the familiar Christmas story. To Mary and Joseph's experience. An unwed couple. Mary pregnant and saying it was from God. In their culture, this was absolutely scandalous. It left them on the outside - excluded.

All they could do was trust God and hold onto His promise to them.

As I reflected on this. I felt like God was reminding me that he sees and cares for the one who feels outside. Even though things didn't look like Mary and Joseph would have expected and it was hard, they weren't alone. God saw them and cared for them.

He does the same for us.

While being single during the holiday season is different than Mary and Joseph's story, the reminder that God sees us through it is valuable and important.

Whatever our situation, however we feel in it, God sees us and is with us.