One Year

 If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you'll know that from time to time I share poetry I've written. Often it's about things I'm walking through. In the last few years, a number of them have been to do with things with my Grandma. 

A few days ago - on July 21, 2022 - it was the one year anniversary since my Grandma went to be with Jesus. As I reflected on that, another poem came that fits with previous ones.

(You can read previous parts here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5)

I see you there

Smiling in the picture

The last family gathering

You were there for

 

Your face full of joy

As we gathered around

A time to celebrate

You and Grandpa together

 

We laughed and we talked

We sang grace and we ate

We watched the little ones play

We celebrated faithful love

 

Now we gathered without you

A time to remember

The life that you lived

The way that you loved

 

Though you are gone now

You live on in us

Your words and your wisdom

Still influence us

 

You’ve been gone a year

It doesn’t feel right

Sometimes I’m still waiting

To hug you and hear you

 

I’m grateful I had you

To call you my Grandma

I’m grateful you cared

To always be there

 

Grandma, I miss you

Time hasn’t changed that

Your smile and your laugh

The deep love you shared

Those Left Behind

 Alongside the original poem I wrote processing the changes with my Grandma, there were also changes for my Grandpa. I wrote the first part of the poem a number of years ago, while the second part is new today.

I see you there

Saying good-bye

The love of your life

No longer here

 

You try to be strong

To stand on your own

To keep it together

Your pain not exposed

 

Stand at her final place

Saying good-bye

We all stand together

To laugh and to cry

 

Disease stole her body

And then stole her mind

Yet you held on

Loving her deeply

 

Time still moves on

Though loss seems too great

The hole that she left us

Can never be filled

 

But in this we hope

She’s now with our Savior

Who loves her the most

Fully healed and restored

Holidays and Loss

As Christmas approaches, I've been reflecting again on what it looks like when you're dealing with the loss of loved ones. It's the first Christmas that my Grandma won't be here, and while she wasn't able to be at the family gatherings for most of the last few years, she was still a part of things.

Over the last while, I've written a few poems that were part of my processing. When I wrote the last one in July, I thought that would be the end of it. But, as Christmas approaches, there was another one that I'm sharing now.

(You can find previous ones here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4)

Here's the one from today

Christmas approaching

Yet something feels off

Grandma, you’re missing

It doesn’t feel right

 

Decorations and nativity set

The detailed Christmas village

They remind me of you

The joy and the laughter

 

Sometimes I’m okay

And sometimes I’m not

Sometimes I’m laughing

The next time I’m crying

 

Grief is so messy

A hole in my heart

The place that you filled

A place for no other

 

Each time that I miss you

I hear all you shared

The wisdom you offered

How you pointed the way

 

I look at your picture

And see how you smile

It shows how you loved us

How you embraced life

 

Grandma, I miss you

This world just feels wrong

Without you down here

I miss you, I miss you

 

Christmas is coming

The first time without you

I want to pretend that it’s all okay

But I know that it’s not

 

I miss you so deeply

I’ll always remember

Your role in my life

The love that you shared

 

You pointed to Jesus

In all that you lived

You prayed and you loved

Just the way that you lived

 

I see your picture

I choose to let go

Trusting our Savior

Who loves us the most

Saying Good-Bye

 This is the final part of some poems that I wrote as I have been processing things with my Grandma.

You can find previous parts here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

It’s different down here

Without you to see

No one I call Grandma

To hug anymore

 

Something feels missing

Without you here

A hole left behind

That only you filled

 

I miss you already

Just being with you

Sitting beside you

Feeling your hugs

 

But I picture you there

Fully healed and restored

In the arms of our Savior

At peace evermore

 

The world feels so different

Without your bright light

Shining for Jesus

In all that you do

 

While words couldn’t express it

Right up to the end

A peace sat around you

As I entered your room

 

You knew of your Savior

You knew what would come

You trusted Him deeply

And pointed the way

 

A woman of prayer

Your legacy left

A love for our Savior

Marked all that you did

 

Good-bye my dear Grandma

I’ll never forget

The words of your wisdom

The love that you showed

 

I know that I’m different

Because you took time

To point me to Jesus

In all that you said

In the Struggle

 I've shared a couple of poems that I wrote in processing things with my Grandma. One back in 2018 and one just a few days ago. Things didn't feel complete yet, but I wasn't sure if I was going to share the rest of them. Today, I'm choosing to share the next part.

I see you there

Fighting to stay here

You keep holding on

To life on this earth

 

I see you there

Struggling to stay here

It’s time to let go

It’s time to go home

 

We know where you’re going

Our Savior is waiting

With welcoming arms

For you to come to Him

 

We’ll miss you down here

But we will be okay

We know where you’re going

That it will be better

 

We know we can trust Him

Our Savior to hold you

To welcome you to Him

Cuz He loves you the most

 

I treasure it all

Every hug, every smile

Every thing you came to

Every card that you wrote

 

I see you there

I choose to let go

Trusting our Savior

Who loves you the most

Even When It's Hard...

 A couple of years ago, things started really changing with my grandparents. It was a lot to process at the time. One of the ways I often make sense of things is poetry. In December of 2018, I shared a poem that I wrote about things that were happening with my Grandma at the time.

As I've been continuing to walk this in the last few months, I found that I was writing more of what felt like much the same poem as I shared in 2018. This part is a couple of months old now. I wrote it after visiting my Grandma on Mother's Day, back in May.

I see you there

Fighting to follow

The words that are spoken

Uncertain of what’s going on

 

I see you there

Dependent on others

To move and for care

Unable to do what you choose

 

I see you there

A smile peeks through

A moment, a glimpse

Of the Grandma I know

 

Reading Scripture aloud

Singing old hymns

The things you’ve held dear

And modelled for us

 

I bend down to hug you

You melt in my arms

No strong arms reach back

As they used to do

 

I miss all your hugs

The way you held tight

It’s my turn right now

To hug you well

 

Grandma, I love you

Feels not enough

Words can’t express 

Just how I feel

 

I’ve missed you for long

It’s not been the same

You’re there and you’re not

All in one breath

 

I see you there

I choose to let go

Trusting our Savior

Who loves you the most

More Reflections on Life Changing in Ways We Don't Always Understand

A few days ago, I shared a poem about some of the hard changes I've been processing with my grandparents recently. That poem was specifically about what I've been walking through with my Grandma, but it's also meant changes with my Grandpa too. This poem is specifically related to that. I'm not actually sure if it's part of the last one, or if it's a new one.

I see you there

With sad in your eyes

The love of your life

Is changing each day

Some days she's angry

And pushes away

Some days she needs you

And pulls you in close

Disease stole her body

And now has her mind

She's here and she's not

So hard to find

I see you there

Loving her still

In pain and in sorrow

You never give up

I listen and watch

I see all you do

It makes me desire

A love like you have

Through life's ups and downs

Endurance has marked it

You hold on for good

You held on in hard

I see you there

Lonely and lost

Crying and hurting

For what has been lost

I'm grateful for you

Your love and your caring

For me through the years

 I cannot forget

Every smile, every hug

 Every prayer that you pray

All the laughter we've shared

It's part of me now

I love much more

Than what I can say

Grandpa, I love you

Is just not enough

When Life Changes in Ways You Don't Understand

As December approached, I had plans for what my posts leading up to Christmas would be about. I was hoping that I would have some thoughts on Christmas and what it looks like as we approach this time.

But, that isn't what happened. As I've been processing life and what some of the things happening in my family mean right now, I've found that I wasn't yet moving towards Christmas in my mind. I was, and am, still processing some changes in my family and relationships with one another.

Often, as I wrestle with changes like this, I find that I turn to poetry as a way to make sense of all that is going through my mind. I don't always share this poetry and I wrestled with whether or not I would share this one. The more I've thought about it, the more pulled toward sharing it I've become.

In these last months I've seen big changes in what it looks like with my grandparents. They've always been an important part of my life, and things look very different now than what they've looked like so far. And it hasn't been an easy journey to be walking. I feel like I've lost so much of what I've always loved and valued with them, even though they're still here. 

This particular poem is part of processing what those changes look like with my Grandma.

I see you there

 Frustrated by what life's become

Betrayed by your mind

Held back by your body

A mind once so alive

Now struggles to understand

A body once so able

Now refuses to do what it should

Golfing, baking, playing with us

You were always there

Laughter and tears, hugs freely given

A safe place to run

Faith always valued

I knew you were praying

Wherever I was

God's love you shared

I see you there

And I love you still

You'll always be with me

Memories deep in my heart

Grandma, I love you

Feels not enough

Words can't express

Just how I feel

I see you there

Waiting for heaven

To be free of these struggles

Fully healed and released

I miss you already

Something doesn't seem right

This world's unfairness

Has stolen your light

I know where you're going

But I'm not ready yet

I want to hold tightly

To not let you go

I treasure it all

Every hug, every smile

Every thing you came to

Every card that you wrote

I see you there

I choose to let go

Trusting our Savior

Who loves you the most

Roots

Deep roots

Able to stand strong

Rushing waters

Cannot destroy

Shallow roots

Unable to stand

Rushing waters

Leave no trace behind

Deep roots

Seeking sustenance

That won't run dry

That's always there

Shallow roots

Grabbing at the surface

All that quickly fades

Leaving nothing behind

Deep roots

Resistant to the drought

Finding the water

Deep below the surface

Shallow roots

Destroyed by drought

No water there to find

On hard, cracked dirt

Sabbath

Sabbath

Rest from busy-ness

Stopping the running

Breaking from expectation

Pray

Telling God your thoughts

Listening for His response

A two-way conversation

Play

Doing things just for fun

Laughter and enjoyment

Learning to "waste time" again

Into the Light

Darkness, silence

Often hand-in-hand

To keep up bound

Fearful of the light

Hiding secrets

Carrying burdens

All to keep us down

Fearful to be found out

Slowly, carefully

Uncovering what's beneath

Will we be okay?

Can we bear the light?

Freedom, healing

Free of fearful hiding

No condemnation

No need to fear the light

Chains broken

Secrets freed

Now life can grow

In the presence of His Light

Finding Freedom

When I cried out

You heard my cry

And You rescued me

You freed me from my chains

You pulled me to my feet

You taught me to walk again

You steadied my unsure legs

As I began to move again

Now I am free to run

To dance and sing and celebrate

Nothing holding me back

Nothing to hold me down

Speak Lord

Speak Lord

Your servant is listening

Seeking Your guidance

Desiring to know Your ways

Speak Lord

Your servant is listening

Pursuing You

To know You more

Speak Lord

Your servant is listening

Teach me to hear

To recognize what You say

Speak Lord

Your servant is listening

I want to follow You

To obey what You have to say

Rest

Running

Constantly running

From one place to the next

No time to pause

No chance to catch your breath

Will I ever get to rest?

Hurrying

Always on to the next

Never stopping to really see

The people you are passing

Blind to need, to pain

Will I ever get to rest?

Busy-ness

A calendar too full

No space to breath

No times for those you love

No time for laughter

Will I ever get to rest?

Slowing down

Making space to stop

Slowing down

Creating time to breath

Slowing down

Taking time to see

Listening

To people all around

Hearing

What they're really saying

Loving

Walking alongside

Resting

Escaping from the busy-ness

Resting

Something we really need

Resting

A beautiful gift from God

He Is Enough

Trust Me
The words He is calling
Trust Me
I see you in your need
Trust Me
I love to provide for you
Trust Me
I am enough for all you need
Trust Me
I can carry that burden
Trust Me
You don't have to walk alone

I'll trust You
I hear You calling to me
I'll trust You
I know You see my need
I'll trust You
Thank You for providing
I'll trust You
I know You are enough
I'll trust You
Handing off my burden
I'll trust You
I'll never walk alone

Trust Me
I will always go with you
Trust Me
I want to know your heart
Trust Me
With all you honest thoughts
Trust Me
With every part of you
Trust Me
I'll always be enough
Trust Me
 I'll always meet your need

I'll trust You
I know that You go with me
I'll trust You
You already know my heart
I'll trust You
With all my mind has wondered
I'll trust You
With every part of me
I'll trust You
You will always be enough
I'll trust You
You always meet my needs

God's Hands

Cold, dark, unresponsive

A lifeless heart weighed down

By life’s burdens crushed beneath

The heaviness of struggle

Waiting for rescue and release

Waiting to be set free

How long must I wait?

How long will this go on?

Will this weight be lifted?

Will I walk again?

Or, is this my new home,

My new way of living life?

Warmth, light, a hand reaching

Taking my lifeless heart

In gentle, loving hands

Hands that lift the crushing weight

Hands that gather the pieces

To tenderly rebuild, bring life

A beautiful, new creation

Shining in His glorious light

His brilliant Masterpiece

Restored to the fullness of it all

The joy of all He designed me for

And He delights to gift to me

A New Pathway

Crisp, white snow
No footprints on the surface
Stretching as far as the eye can see

Silence surrounds
All noise muffled by the mounds of snow
Sounds fall dead, no way to echo off the snow

Time to think
To plan, to dream, to wonder
To mark out a fresh path with each step

Starting over
Marking out a path for me to go
Start afresh, choose a new direction

No distractions
No wandering into the path of another
Nothing to pull me away from where I'm going

Each step unknown ahead
Trusting His way is the best for me
Following where God leads with each step I take

I will follow
Into the unknown, unseen by me
Seen by the One I trust with my whole life

Crossroads

     "This is what the Lord says:
          Stand at the crossroads and look;
               ask for the ancient paths,
          ask where the good way is,
               and walk in it,
          and you will find rest for your souls."
                                    -Jeremiah 6:16

Show me the way Lord

I'm standing at the crossroads

I want to go Your way

Show me the good way

Show me the ancient path

Walked by many before

Clear the way, so I can see

Your good and ancient path

That path so many have walked

The path of all those before

Who chose to go Your way

Who chose what You desired

Clear the ancient way of old

Remove what covers where it goes

The beautiful ground, worn smooth

By so many gone before me

The way that leads to rest

The way that leads to life

The ancient path to home

To living in Your presence

         

Tramsformation

Cold and dark

What a transformation

It have once been

Warm and bright

A fire burning with passion

Only coals remained

No light to shine

Warmth only with a touch

What happened to the flame?

What happened to the passion?

Life got in the way

Always running

Always hurrying

The fire never tended

Slowly it went out

The flame died away

With nothing left to burn

It doesn't have

To stay that way

If we feed it

It will burn again

The passion will return

With attention and time

The flame will burn again

Warm and bright 

What a transformation

It is no longer 

Cold and dark

Time for Rest

Alone

Silence

Stillness

Usually I try 

To avoid them

I don't want to know

The thoughts

Swirling in my head

People

Noise

Busy-ness

My companions

I don't hear

The voices in my head

I'm not listening

To the things that challenge me

Alone

Silence

Stillness

There's beauty

In these things

Necessity

Without them

I don't function well

People

Noise

Busy-ness

Eventually destroy

Leave me wanting

Looking for more

If I survive

On them alone