When Life Changes in Ways You Don't Understand

As December approached, I had plans for what my posts leading up to Christmas would be about. I was hoping that I would have some thoughts on Christmas and what it looks like as we approach this time.

But, that isn't what happened. As I've been processing life and what some of the things happening in my family mean right now, I've found that I wasn't yet moving towards Christmas in my mind. I was, and am, still processing some changes in my family and relationships with one another.

Often, as I wrestle with changes like this, I find that I turn to poetry as a way to make sense of all that is going through my mind. I don't always share this poetry and I wrestled with whether or not I would share this one. The more I've thought about it, the more pulled toward sharing it I've become.

In these last months I've seen big changes in what it looks like with my grandparents. They've always been an important part of my life, and things look very different now than what they've looked like so far. And it hasn't been an easy journey to be walking. I feel like I've lost so much of what I've always loved and valued with them, even though they're still here. 

This particular poem is part of processing what those changes look like with my Grandma.

I see you there

 Frustrated by what life's become

Betrayed by your mind

Held back by your body

A mind once so alive

Now struggles to understand

A body once so able

Now refuses to do what it should

Golfing, baking, playing with us

You were always there

Laughter and tears, hugs freely given

A safe place to run

Faith always valued

I knew you were praying

Wherever I was

God's love you shared

I see you there

And I love you still

You'll always be with me

Memories deep in my heart

Grandma, I love you

Feels not enough

Words can't express

Just how I feel

I see you there

Waiting for heaven

To be free of these struggles

Fully healed and released

I miss you already

Something doesn't seem right

This world's unfairness

Has stolen your light

I know where you're going

But I'm not ready yet

I want to hold tightly

To not let you go

I treasure it all

Every hug, every smile

Every thing you came to

Every card that you wrote

I see you there

I choose to let go

Trusting our Savior

Who loves you the most