Sharing the Other Perspective

 I had a brief conversation with a friend recently that made me realize the need to explain things where the perspective is different. It wasn't about anything that would have a huge impact on someone's life, but it was still important.

We were talking about going to a movie. My friend made the comment that you didn't really need to book movie tickets together, because you would be watching a movie, not talking anyways. In theory, that's true. But, there's also something I realized in the moment that made her experience of going to the movies different than mine.

She made the comment under the assumption that was going with her husband, and meeting others at the movie was a nice, but not necessary thing. Not a spoken assumption, or even one she was necessarily aware of. I had a choice in that moment: I could say nothing and let it be, or I could help her see it from my perspective. This was a good friend, so I decided to say something in that conversation.

As a single person, I want to book and purchase the movie tickets together, so that we're sitting together. Even though we're not talking during the movie, it matters that I'm sitting with people I know if we talked about going to the movie together. If I book my ticket on my own, I'll likely be sitting completely alone for movie; whereas, for my friend, she's sitting with her husband.

I'm not opposed to or afraid of going to things by myself. I do it a lot. But, when I talk about doing things with someone, I want to actually sit with them. Sitting alone in a movie theater, even knowing I have friends in the theater, doesn't quite feel like what the plan was, and it can make me feel on the outside again.

I share this experience, not to talk about going to the movies, or about going to things alone. I share it to highlight how easily we can misunderstand people and take offense it we're not willing to dig deeper.

I could have said nothing and let my feelings of not being understood fester, but that wouldn't have helped me or my friend. It likely would have damaged our friendship, at least for a bit.

By saying something, our friendship gained more understanding of each other instead. I didn't belabour the point. I simply stated it and we moved on, but it was an important couple of minutes.

People Are Complex

Today was a day where I got unexpected, yet somewhat expected news, about someone I grew up with. Not, the kind of news you want to get about someone and the end of their life.

I wasn't surprised that things came to this. But, I also wasn't prepared for it to come to this.

It's made me think about how people are complex beings. And that makes relationships complex things.

This person had their challenges. They were hard to be with at times. Unpredictable. 

At the same time, underneath all the pain in their life, they had a heart of gold. They cared about the people around them, even if they had a difficult time expressing it or acting like it at times.

Isn't that true of so many people?

Even if there are challenges and difficulties in our relationships with them, there's often also good things in those same relationships.

I'm not talking about relationships where it's dangerous to be with them. That's different.

But, when that's not the case, we live with these complex situations all the time.

I'm honestly not sure how to wrap this up today. These are the thoughts running through my mind as the reality of this news sinks in.

We Can't Rush Through It

 Last week I shared a picture of an Oh Henry chocolate bar on Instagram and Facebook. Someone just scrolling past may have wondered why I put a picture of a chocolate bar there.

In the words with the picture I shared the reason why. I hadn't eaten an Oh Henry bar in years, but I was looking for some chocolate and had picked one up. As I sat in my car waiting for my niece to be done so I could take her home, I ate it. The simple act of eating a chocolate bar brought back a flood of memories.

When I would golf with my Grandma, we would stop at the snack shop after the first nine holes to replenish our snacks and drinks for the second nine. Grandma always wanted the snacks to be something that provide the fuel needed. Oh Henry bars were full of peanut so it was almost always an easy sell to get one. In the heat of summer, we ate it quickly after we bought it.

So, on that day last week, as I ate an Oh Henry bar that would have melted if I didn't eat it quickly, memories of the many hours of time I spent on the golf course with my Grandma came flooding back. Those hours were times of security and peace in the midst of a world that felt anything but that.

It's been almost two years since my Grandma passed away, and many more since she was able to be the person I talked to about stuff, but in that moment last week I missed her a lot.

I missed her presence.

I missed her hugs.

I missed her smile.

I missed her laugh.

I missed the way she listened so intently when you talked to her.

I missed the wisdom she freely shared.

I missed being able to phone her and get her advice on how to lead something in a Bible study.

I missed her prayers.

The pain and sorrow of the loss is still there. It feels different than it did two years ago, but it's still there. And I'm learning that's okay. I've still lived more of my life with my Grandma in it, than I have without her. There's still a person missing in the place she once filled in my life. And I can acknowledge and feel that loss. In fact, I need to.

The challenge is that we don't like those emotions. When they came up last week, it was tempting to try to push them away. To pretend they weren't there.

We want to rush past or push down sorrow, pain, grief. We want a quick timeline for when they will be done. But, that's a problem. It's a journey that we have to walk through, however long it takes.

So, last week, I acknowledged what I was feeling. I let myself feel the sadness. And I reminded myself that it's a loss because I loved my Grandma. And I remembered how so much of what she taught me through her words and actions still lives on in me today.

It reminds me that I need to be intentional about allowing myself space. And also to allow others space for the journey they're on. We can't rush through these. We can't push them away.

Content & Still Have a Longing for Something DIfferent?

 Can you live an enjoyable life while still having an unfulfilled longing for something?

Is it possible for those to coexist in one person's life?

I've heard so many people express a feeling that they won't really be happy or content or joyful until a certain thing happens or they achieve a certain thing. Except, once they get there, the goal changes and they're still not happy or content or joyful.

Many of these conversations come with other single adults in the church. Or, with people who make assumptions about what life is like as a single Christian adult or about what someone else feels.

And it's something I've wrestled with in my own life. Is it possible to create a life that I love and am content with, while still longing for marriage and a family of my own one day? Can I really live like this, even if the longing if never fulfilled?

It took me a while to get to this point, but I believe the answer is yes. In fact, I think it's something we have to learn to do.

It doesn't mean we'll always do it perfectly, or that we won't have days where it feels impossible to do so. But we can do it and learn to keep doing it better.

While I'm single, I can have a job I love and find fulfilling. I can have great relationships and community with people . I can be involved in things at church that I enjoy and feel called to by God.

And, at the same time, I can long for something different.

While I relate this specifically to being single right now, it can apply to all of us as Christians. We can live lives fully engaged in what God calls us to do, all while we long for God's Kingdom to be fully established on earth. It's not always easy, but we have to learn to live in this tension.

Choosing to Live a Full Life

 I've been asked to explain about my journey with singleness a few times in the last few months. That's always an interesting question to answer. How much detail I go into in my answer really depends on who is asking and the context for the conversation.

As I've answered this question, there is on thing that has stayed the same no matter what. That's the way I always start my answer.

I'm not single by choice. I want to be married and a family of my own. But, I'm not going to allow not having that to keep me from living a full life right now, in my current circumstances.

That's been my way of living since I graduated college. I graduated Bible college to jokes from my family that I "failed" Bible college because I was still single. While I know those words were meant as teasing, they made me realize that I had a choice in how I lived.

I could live as if those teasing words were true. And the result would be that I would put my life on hold while I did nothing but search for someone to marry. I could be discontent because things weren't exactly as I wanted them to be.

Or, I could acknowledge that I was single and had a desire to be married, and still live my life. I could choose to get involved in things at church, to build great friendships, to do things I loved - even when the circumstances weren't exactly what I'd hoped they would be.

This doesn't remove the fact that I'm not single by choice, nor does it eliminate the struggle that comes when circumstances aren't exactly what I would desire. But, it does give life meaning and purpose. It does give opportunity to be used by God for His purposes and His glory.

I think this applies to all of us in many areas of life. It doesn't matter the specifics of the circumstances we wish were different. The principle is still the same.

We will have a choice in how we will respond to those circumstances. 

We can let the circumstance mean we put our lives on hold until things change to how we want them to be. 

Or we can acknowledge that it's not what we would prefer and choose to live the best life we can in spite of it.

What If We Stopped Trying to Always Have an Answer for People's Struggling?

 "I'm really struggling with anxiety right now. I'm not sure I can handle going to that tonight."

"You just need to give it to Jesus. The Bible tells us to cast our anxieties on Jesus. You just need to do that to be okay."

That conversation, or a version of it, is one I've had more times than I can count in my life - and always where I was the one struggling with anxiety.

"My anxiety has been really high lately. I'm struggling to keep it under control and I don't know what to do."

"You should read Philippians 4:6-7. Those are good verses about how to deal with anxiety."

When you finally get the courage to let someone know you're struggling, and you get a few verses of Scripture essentially thrown at you and then the other person walks away.

In both of these conversations, the other person means well. They want to care and support, but they don't know how.

Why?

Because, far too often in the church, we've turned a struggle with mental illness into a faith issue. We read the verses that talk about anxiety and assume they apply to every person who struggles the exact same way.

We all have times when we get caught up in worry, caught up in some anxious thoughts about something. And, we can easily assume that everyone who talks about having anxiety is talking about exactly this.

But, for some of us, it goes beyond that. It's not just some anxious thoughts; it becomes something that controls our lives. We often know that the thoughts in our heads are irrational, that they've gone so much further than someone else's would. But, that doesn't mean we can stop them.

So, these words to give it to Jesus or to read Scripture feel like they fall short. Because they do; they don't acknowledge the full picture.

In a book I was reading on this recently, the author wrote about it this way:

"The problem is, we often confuse mental health with spiritual health, but the two are not one and the same. If anything, mental health has more in common with physical health than it does with spiritual health because the mind-body connection is on that can't be denied by modern science. The brain is a vital organ of the body, and when the brain is sick, it impacts every other part of the body. Mental illness doesn't reflect a character issue. it reflects a chemistry issue." (Debra Fileta, Are You Really OK?, pg. 160)

Changing how we respond to this in the church is important. And, it is something that has improved significantly in recent years in the church. We've come a long way, but we still have a ways to go.

When I bring this up with people in conversation, I often get the question of what they should do instead.

What is helpful? What can you do when someone says they're struggling with anxiety?

I'll be honest, I struggled for a while with knowing how to answer this question. What did I really need from someone when I said that?

But, I've realized that I actually have examples in my life of exactly what I do need in those times. From friends who did what I needed without them knowing they were doing it or me knowing I needed them to.

What did they do?

They sat with me. They let me know they were there and didn't try to fix it. They just let me know I wasn't alone in the struggle.

They were present with me, exactly as I was in the moment.

I think we often feel like we have to have a great response when someone tells us they're struggling. But, in doing so, we easily make other people's challenges out to be something simple and easily solved, when they're often much more difficult.

But, what if we learned to sit with people. To be present. And not feel like we always had to have an answer.

I think that can be much more powerful and encouraging for people.

Unintended, Yet Unfair Assumptions We Make in Christian Circles

 I was working on a Bible study recently and ended up very frustrated by one of the questions. I had to chose not to get hung up on the way I was completely left out of the majority of the question in how it was worded. 

And it's far from the first time that has happened. It has happened over and over again.

The question in this study asked you to fill in the blanks for a couple of prompts. The first blank was about childhood. 

No problem.

The second blank, which I, perhaps naively, expected to be about young adulthood or adulthood in general, was specifically about marriage or a dating relationship. 

In just a few words on a page, I felt immediately excluded. I was frustrated. Angry even.

Why?

Because, once again, I was left feeling like I'm on the outside of the norm in Christian circles. Once again, I was in a situation where there was an assumption that everyone participating was married or in a serious dating relationship moving toward marriage. 

Once again, being single had no space. 

Now, before you tell me I'm over-reacting to a single question . . . let me remind you that this isn't a one off thing I deal with. Much of my world, especially the church world, treats me differently because I'm still single at almost 40 years old. I'm regularly ignored in sermons at church. I'm regularly left out of ideas for workshops or seminars that inevitably focus on marriage and parenting - or getting ready for these things if you're not already. 

I'm regularly told I don't fit in the norms of Christian circles.

Put yourself in my shoes for a bit and then look at this question again. It quickly becomes one more place where I'm put on the outside of the norm - where I'm different and don't fit.

I don't think this is done intentionally or maliciously. But, that does little to change the hurt it causes. Just because someone didn't remember that at least some of those working through the study would be single and wrote a question they weren't even aware would leave people out, doesn't mean it didn't hurt - that it doesn't hurt every time. It doesn't mean I didn't feel rejected again. And this is far from the only Bible study where I've had it come up.

So, what do we do?

We speak up and we listen to each other - really listen to hear what people are saying, not what we want to hear.

Those of us who are single need to keep telling people about how this unintentional, and at least sometimes, unfair, speech hurts. We have to tell of the pain, the frustration, the anger, the feelings of exclusion and rejection. Even if it feels like we're a broken record, repeating the same things over and over.

And we all need to learn to listen to each other. We need to listen to and try to understand the hurt. We need to listen to and try to understand the apologies and the questions from people who didn't know.

What Do We Do Now?

 Horrifying. Saddening. A light shed on the atrocities committed.

This news has continued to come over the last couple months. The horrors of children ripped from their homes, and ultimately being buried in unmarked graves. Missing the dignity of a proper burial and a chance for family and friends to say good-bye. The terrible reality of things done in the name of country and in the name of God.

Things that never should have been allowed. Things we quickly condemn when we hear about them happening in other places. Things that break the heart of God and should break the hearts of those who claim His Name today.

As I've watched this unfold. Heard the news. Read the reactions. I've wrestled with how to respond myself. With how to even try to make sense of any of this. How do I respond? What can and should I do?

To be honest, it's only in the last few years that I've become more clearly aware of this lengthy part of Canada's story. I wasn't trying to ignore it, but I'd never heard much about it.

It's unfortunately easier than I thought to come up with explanations and reasons. To keep it at a distance that means I don't have to do anything. 

But, I don't want to do that. I don't want to continue in the patterns of the past. It doesn't do any good for anyone.

While I would never compare what my family went through leaving everything behind when they fled the persecution they were facing and came to Canada. But, I did learn an important lesson from stories my great-grandparents told about their experiences or the experiences of their parents.

I learned how important it is to really listen and care about another's story. Not listening to confirm your opinion or understanding. Listening to hear the other person and what they're saying.

I had a quote from Beth Moore come up again recently that explains what I'm trying to say better than I can:

"We cannot have compassion if we don't go sit with people and enter in to how they see it."

As we grapple with what has been discovered - as a country, as a church, as individuals - we have to learn to sit with people and enter in to their experiences of this part of history. Not to analyze, or argue, or convince them of something. But to learn what it was and is like for the other person.

This isn't easy. It takes hard work. It's hard to hear. As Danielle Strickland writes:

"Presencing yourself to enter into the other person's experience. To be part of the joy and the pain. This is the most transformative part of listening and the hardest one to allow yourself to do."

But it is exactly what we need to do. We need to really listen to those who are still living with this. To those who still deal with the results of this terrible part of Canada's story. To those who live with the pain.

We cannot ignore this. Or try to pretend it didn't happen or it wasn't that bad.

It's only in really listening that we can begin to heal. That we can begin to move forward.

Letting the Faith of Others Carry you in the Struggle

 A couple days ago, I got a message asking why I hadn't posted anything here in just over a month. I knew it had been a while, but I didn't realize it had been that long.

If I look at the notebook where I start most of my posts, I can see a lot of started and unfinished posts. Things I started to write, but had no idea how to finish or turn into something I would share. Thoughts about things that I can't yet get to a conclusion of any kind.

The last post I wrote and shared here challenged me as I read it. I was writing about getting through when you don't think you can. About what we need to do.

I talked about our need to invite community into our struggle. To have people we can be honest with about where we're at. It was easy to write that, but the truth is, it was harder to live that out. I wrote those words for others, not even realizing how much I would struggle to do exactly that in the last few weeks.

It wasn't until I completely reached the end of myself that I realized just how important it is to invite people into our struggle. It's not just a good thing to talk about. It's something we need to actually do. It wasn't until I actually reached out to friends and let them into my struggle that things began to change. My faith may be weak right now, but that's what community is for. We carry each other when someone is struggling. We carry them to Jesus.

When the whole premise of what you've written about for years is living as Christ's disciple and what that looks like practically, when things get hard, it's hard to write about it. But maybe honesty about things is the best place to start writing again.

I don't know what my writing will look like in the coming weeks. I don't know if there will be more that make its way to here. Or if it will continue to be unfinished ideas that don't make it here.

But can I encourage you with this: No matter where you're at spiritually, keep holding on. Keep sharing honestly with people in your life. When you're faith is struggling, ask the people around you to pray for you. Let their faith carry you when yours is weak.

What Does it Mean that we Shouldn't Judge?

Does the Bible really say "Do not judge"?
Or, are we taking a few words that are part of a larger teaching and using them out of context?

It's something we hear often in Christian circles or even thrown at us by non-Christians. "You're not supposed to judge." I believe we're actually misunderstanding and, as a result misquoting, Scripture here.

What does the Bible actually say?

(I realize this next part is quoting a fair bit of Scripture one after another, but without them the rest of the post won't make as much sense. Please read through the passages.)

"Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly." -John 7:24

"Do not judge, or you to will be judged. For in the same way you judge other, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of saw dust in your brother's eye, and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 7:1-5

"Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block in the way of a brother or sister." -Romans 14:13

"Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart." -1 Corinthians 4:5

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. . . . Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else." -Galatians 6:1 & 4


As I read these passages of Scripture and look at them within the overall message of Scripture, I wonder if, in saying that all of these passages say "do not judge," we're missing what the bigger picture is. All of these passages say we need to be looking at our own lives first, before we say anything to another brother or sister in Christ.

We're not being told that we shouldn't say something to another believer about and area where things might need to changed in their lives. We're being cautioned to make sure we've been dealing with our own stuff first. We can't and shouldn't call others on their stuff if we're avoiding dealing with the stuff in our own lives.

Our job is also not to look for areas where we can point out the sin or other issue in the life of another believer. We're not supposed to be going hunting for those things. If that's what we're doing, then people may be right in telling us not to judge.

All of these passages also speak to situations with another believer. We're not told to do the same with those who don't claim to be Christians - only with other Christians.

To go back to the question I asked at the beginning: Does the Bible actually say "Do not judge"?

I think that is just a small part of what Scripture actually says, and to only quote that part misses the point. It's not about never saying something to another believer - it's about making sure we're dealing with our own stuff first, and not running around looking for things to call our in the life of another Christian.

Honest Prayers

What do your prayers usually look like?

Are they filled with the "right" words and phrases? Talking about only part of what is going on and how you're feeling - the acceptable part?

Or are they honest about everything? Thoughts, feelings? Cries of your heart in the midst of the good and the bad in life?

For a lot of my life I would say my prayers were very much along the lines of trying to make them sound right. Somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that only some things were acceptable to pray about. I have no idea where that came from, but it made my prayers feel inauthentic and I didn't really have much use for it sometimes.

It also made the Scripture passages that talk about praying continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17) seem pretty much impossible. If I can only pray about certain things or in a certain way, then a lot of the time I have nothing to pray about.

But, the truth is we can pray about anything. We can pray about everything. Nothing going on in our lives or that we're thinking or feeling is hidden from God anyways (Hebrews 4:13), so not praying about it doesn't make any sense. If God knows about it anyways, why would I think it's off limits for prayer?

As I've realized that there isn't a list of what's "right" for prayer and what's not, I've realized that praying continually isn't impossible after all. I can talk to God about all of what goes on in my day or what I think about. It easily becomes a daily thing when everything is acceptable.

And living that way changes things. In the middle of a situation that is hard, it keeps me from taking on things that aren't mine to carry in the first place. It gives hope, even when from an earthly perspective, it seems like there is none. I've been living this reality lately.

What do your prayers usually look like?

The Burdens of Hiding & Pretending

"Confession is a discipline that functions within fellowship. In it we let trusted others know our deepest weaknesses and failures. This will nourish our faith in God's provision for our needs through His people, our sense of being loved and our humility before our brothers and sisters. This we let some friends in Christ know who we really are, not holding back anything important, but, ideally, allowing complete transparency. We lay down the burdens of hiding and pretending, which normally take up such a dreadful amount of human energy. We engage and are engaged by others in the profound depths of the soul." (Dallas Willard)


When I first read this quote, one phrase jumped off the page at me. It only makes sense within the context of the entire quote, but the words of the phrase are incredibly important for us to grasp.

We lay down the burdens of hiding and pretending . . ."

We don't usually talk about hiding and pretending as burdens - if we talk about them at all. For the most part, we don't admit we spend much of our lives hiding and pretending.

We live in a culture that encourages us to hide and pretend. We're taught that we need to look like we have it all together all that time. That it doesn't matter what is going on inside, on the outside everything should be fine.

Se, we pretend and we hide.

We pretend that things are going great even when they might not be. And we hide how we are truly feeling behind our answers of "fine" and "good."

But, if we're honest, even if only to ourselves, all of this hiding and pretending does get burdensome. It takes a lot of work to do it all the time. We've gotten so good at pretending and hiding, but deep down we want to stop doing it all the time. Deep down we want others to know what's really going on and how we really feel. We want to "lay down the burdens of hiding and pretending" that we've been carrying.

That's where the rest of the quote by Dallas Willard comes in. Willard is telling us how we can lay down the burdens of hiding and pretending. We can only lay that burden down by choosing to be honest with people and allowing them to know our weaknesses and our failures - by choosing transparency instead of hiding and pretending. We have to choose to be honest with each other about the good and the bad in our lives. Because it's only when we are really known by others that we stop carrying the tiresome burdens of hiding and pretending that have been stealing our energy.

It's not that we need to share every detail of the hard and the bad in our lives with every person we meet. But that, as Willard said, "we let some friends in Christ know who we really are." When we do this, things are different because we're not carrying the same burden anymore. It allows us to be more of who we really are with everyone, even if not everyone knows every detail.


"To confess our sins before others, though, helps let go of this exhausting need to keep up appearances. It frees us to live truthfully and humbly in the mercy of God." (Stage 2: Community with Others, Vantage Point 3: A Way of Life)

Honest with God

I've always found the Psalms to speak very well to all aspects of life. The honesty about all of the emotions that come in life draws me in. David wrote many of them and he always seemed to be honest with God. I think that is a reason why we commonly call him a man after God's own heart. Instead of hiding it or trying to pretend it wasn't real, David took it all to God. He cried everything he was feeling out to God - the good, the bad, and the ugly. But he always came around to trusting God, no matter what he was bringing to God.

Lately, I've been drawn to Psalm 34. This psalm is filled with promises of God's hearing and answering the cries of those who call out to Him. And that He will restore those who call to Him in their trouble.


I will extol the LORD at all times;
     His praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the LORD;
     let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me;
     let us exalt His name together.

I sought the LORD, and He answered me;
     He delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant;
     their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
     He saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him,
     and He delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
     blessed if the one who takes refuge in Him.
Fear the LORD, you His holy people,
     for those who fear Him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
     but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
     I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life
     and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil
     and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
     seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
     and His ears are attentive to their cry;
but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
     to blot out their name from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
      He delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the broken-hearted
     and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles,
     but the LORD delivers him from them all;
He protects all his bines,
     not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked;
     the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD will rescue His servants;
     no one who takes refuge in Him will be condemned.


David was declaring to those who would be hearing this psalm God's protection for those who trust in Him who are in trouble. David wrote this psalm while he was on the run from Saul - a time when he really needed God to protect him from harm and rescue him from his enemies.

This is the same way we can call out to God and be honest with Him in our own lives.