Lie #1: Marriage is a Reward for Purity

 Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Raise your hand if you grew up in the church in the 1990s or early 2000s.

This was probably something you heard often. Maybe not the exact words, but in some form. Often not stated directly, but implied in a lot of teaching that came out of purity culture.

Essentially, purity culture was teaching teenagers about the importance of abstinence & saving sex for marriage because it was God's plan. Good things & true things, but if often used shame or fear to control this behaviour. It came with signing pledge cards & "true love waits" rings.

I've written about purity culture in the past (here & here), so I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining it all. But, along with the teaching of purity culture came some implied promises that are actually lies.

We were told that staying sexually pure meant God would reward us with marriage & sex would be good. Conversely, we were also told that because sex outside of marriage made you damaged goods, you wouldn't have this. The latter never being explicitly stated, but always there alongside it.

And this has lingered in the things we say & think today, as many of us have become adults.

Can I ask you a question here: where does God promise marriage & good sex to everyone who follows His plan for sexuality in Scripture? 

Can't find it?

That's because it doesn't say that. 

Scripture tells us that there are consequences we'll live with as a result of not following God's plan for our sexuality.

Scripture outlines what God's plan is for our sexuality. But Scripture doesn't say if you follow God's plan in this area, you will be rewarded with a good marriage & sex.

So, can we please stop telling people this?

We need to stop making promises God doesn't make. Both for the sake of the next generation &f or the older singles in our churches. 

When we continue to declare this to people, we can have the consequence of making people feel like there's something wrong with them or they've done something wrong because it hasn't happened for them that way.

I've wrestled with it myself & I've sat with other single Christians who were wrestling with it in their own lives. When people imply this lie is true, it causes unnecessary heartache & pain for people.

 We need to teach God's truth about sex without adding promises to it. Keep it to what God's Word says, & just that.

How do we Change our One-Size-Fits-All Rules?

 If our one-size-fits-all rules cause harm, what should we do instead?

How do we approach these interactions appropriately and in ways that aren't open to misinterpretations?

This is already an area with lots of grey and lots that can go wrong if we're not careful. This is why we like lists of what we can do and can't do to be so clear. It's how we attempt to deal with the grey areas and keep ourselves from the potential of any trouble.

This feels like something I'm not qualified to address. Except I opened up this issue. If I'm going to argue that we need to change things here, then it's only realistic that I offer some thoughts though. 

So, here goes my attempt at an answer . . .

We have to begin with changing our understanding of intimacy and physical touch. It's easy to look at our culture and see the way we have sexualized everything.

"We are so sexualized in our culture that we cannot divorce erotic touch from faithful ministering touch with those between whom there is no physical attraction." (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

It doesn't take long to see this in culture. A simple look at advertising tells us this. Or listening to some of the popular music. Or watching just a few minutes to TV.

But, it's not just society.

We've done the same thing inside the church. 

It's why we can't hug someone of the opposite sex without people wondering. It's why we go to great lengths to avoid anything where we might be close with someone of the opposite sex.

And we start this sexualized thinking when we're young. It's in the messages on modesty where girls are told to make sure their clothes don't reveal too much because they don't want to cause the guys to stumble. A message that ultimately tells the girls they're sexual objects to guys. And guys that they're not responsible for their thoughts if a girl's clothing isn't modest enough.

Yes, we should be teaching modesty and care for our brothers and sisters in the church. That's vital to how community works. It's not the principles behind this teaching that we to change. Those are true.

My argument is that we need to change the reasons why we teach the principles. The focus needs to be on honouring God with our lives and our choices, not on making us responsible for the choices of another person.

If we're going to change our one-size-fits-all rules, we have to start with changing the way we view physical touch. It's ingrained in us to view almost all physical touch and intimacy through a sexual lens. But, that limits and constrains us.

If we were to remove that lens, how might our rules change?

What Does the Bible Say? (Part 2)

 Is Jesus' ministry on earth the only example of physical touch we find in the Bible?

This is the question I was still wrestling with as I finished last week's post. 

Jesus' life and ministry is certainly one of the clearest examples. And there isn't a list of direct commands or prohibitions given in Scripture. Some aspects of it are covered in other directives, but physical touch is not an item with a specific list of things in Scripture.

But, Scripture is also not completely silent on examples of other situations.

One of the things we see that we still often practice in our churches today is laying hands on people as we pray for them or commission them. (Acts 6:6, 9:17-19, 13:3, 2 Timothy 1:6)

Until the study for this posts, I've never really thought about this as being an example of physical touch. But it one. And it is an example of physical touch that we seem to see as acceptable for all in most situations.

There was one more example of what could be interpreted as physical touch in Scripture. Paul ends a number of his letters with these words and you can also see it in one of Peter's letters. At a glance we amy not see them as words about physical touch because of cultural differences.

Paul & Peter both end these letters with the words: 'Greet one another with a holy kiss." (Romans 16:16, 1 Corinthians 16:20, 2 Corinthians 13:12, 1 Thessalonians 5:26, 1 Peter 5:14)

It's easy to just move quickly past these words as not being important. But when I stopped and took the time to understand what was meant by this simple sentence.

As I looked at commentaries on these verses it started to become clear that this was about a greeting of mutual affection in the family of God.

In the note on Romans 16:16, Barne's Notes on the New Testament, it is described this way:

"Greet one another in an affectionate manner; that is, treat one another with kindness and love, and evince all the proper marks of affection."

This kind of greeting would be along the lines of a quick hug or a handshake today.

Talking about 1 Thessalonians 5:26, The Moody Bible Commentary says this:

"Paul's final requests included prayer for himself, and that the intimate gesture of the holy kiss be shared with all. This 'kiss' was a common gesture of fellowship meant to convey affection and unity. While it might still be an appropriate gesture in some cultures today, in others, more culturally acceptable gestures would adequately fulfill the apostle's intent."

These words from Paul and Peter would indicate a level of closeness in the greeting of other believers where physical touch would be part of it. Nothing sexual or impure is involved. This is simply being willing to be close enough to physically touch each other.

While I'm sure with more study, I could find more in the Bible on this topic. But, I will be moving on in my writing on this in the coming weeks. Next week, I'll be starting to talk about what science says about our need for things like hugs and people sitting close to us. It's been a fascinating topic to dive into.

Why I Tore up my "True Love Waits" Pledge Card

The "True Love Waits" pledge card . . . signed in January 1998 at a youth group evening is now in 15-20 pieces on the table beside me. I found it tucked in the front of the Bible I used when I was in high school. As I pulled it out, I decided it was time to tear it up.

Not because I'm walking away from what the Bible says about sex and purity.

Not because I don't believe in waiting for marriage.

I actually tore it up precisely because I want live according to God's Word on this. And, while the intentions behind the "purity culture" of my youth were good, I don't believe it was actually about living according to God's teaching anyways.

For some, this might seem strange. But, probably not to many of you who grew up in church youth groups in the 1990s. There was a strong movement that, on the surface, seemed to be about biblical principles for sex and purity. This included signing pledge cards that we would wait for marriage and, for girls, wearing rings that said "true love waits" on the ring finger of your left hand.

Much has been written in recent years about this and what the results of growing up in this "purity culture" have been. And my experiences with it and my own study of Scripture are exactly what led me to tear up this card when I found it.

I tore it up because I no longer see it as being a commitment to live God's way in this area of life. It may have started with Scripture, but so much was added to it that it became just rules and legalism, with sometimes implied and sometimes spoken guarantees for following through that don't actually occur anywhere in Scripture. It's caused a lot of harm to a lot of people and I no longer want to be a part of that.

For some, it may sound strange that it's taken just over 20 years for me to see this. The truth is, until the last 4 or 5 years, I didn't even look at my beliefs in this area of life. I just accepted what I had been taught in church growing up. It was only when I began getting involved with another ministry at my church that spoke to this topic that I first began to question some of what I'd been taught. As I looked again at the Scriptures used and compared what I was hearing and reading in them now with what I'd been taught growing up, I noticed some things I could no longer ignore.

All the teaching I'd heard growing up had definitely started with Scripture. The starting place was good and right. The problem came in what was placed on top of these scriptural truths. The things we were subsequently taught about how to live a life of sexual purity. This is where man-made ideas were taught as being on par with Scripture - as the way we should live.

As I began to realize I'd bought into these lies, I had to begin the process of untangling what was truth from Scripture from what was man-made additions to Scripture. This was a more complicated process than I imagined. I had to acknowledge where my beliefs were wrong and find what Scripture said. And I had to come face-to-face with the fact that people I had trusted and loved had been part of teaching these beliefs. Although I still believe they had the best of intentions in what they taught, I still had to acknowledge that these were the people who had taught me this. I had to face that this was all part of the legalism I'd become bound by. It wasn't an easy thing to do and took much longer than I expected, but, it was also very necessary.

So, why do I share this now?

I know from conversations I've had with some I grew up with and what I've been watching play out in public in Christian circles, this is a struggle many people are facing. My hope in sharing my journey with this is that I can encourage others who are facing this journey themselves.

When the Big Name Behind the Purity Message of Your Youth Walks Away . . .

What do you do when someone who was influential in Christian circles walks away from the faith?

Joshua Harris recently announced he no longer saw himself as a Christian. It was a bit of a shocking thing - even after all that has happened with him in recent years. Changing his stance on much of what he had written about dating and relationships with opposite sex.

I recently wrote a post about "How the Purity Message of my Youth was Incomplete". When I look back, whether directly or indirectly, Joshua Harris was one who had a big influence on what that message was. His voice was one of the loudest at that time.

When the statement of his regret over what he had written in his book, "I Kissed Dating Good-bye", came out, I was both relieved and angry. Relieved that the damage that message had done was finally being acknowledged. Angry because in many ways it felt like too little too late for me and others I know. We were already well aware of the consequences of his message - because we're living them.

When I heard this latest news, I was saddened. Somewhere along the way doubts gained control for him. And he is walking off the right path.

Harris has also recently announced that he is divorcing his wife - a wife he found following what he laid out in his book that seemed to promise a great marriage if you followed this same path. His own marriage ending in divorce could be seen as something he deserves, but that would help no one and is hardly the response we should have as Christians.

Once again, this is something that saddens me.

I've realized that my anger does no good. And actually continues the harm I've felt was done through his message on purity and dating. I've had to let that go - give it to God and choose forgiveness.

So, what now?

When someone in leadership falls it can shake us.

When someone influential in the Christian world walks away, it can leave us with more questions than answers.

Even if we weren't necessarily a fan of that person or the message they spoke or wrote.

So, how do we respond?

I think it's a two part response.

First, we pray. For the specific person and for all others, including ourselves, who are impacted by what has happened.

Second, we find people and places where we can talk about our questions arising from this, about how we're dealing with it if it's had an impact on us.

Singleness & Sexuality

We live in a sexualized culture. There's no way of completely escaping it. The unfortunate thing is that some of this thinking has infiltrated the church. We've bought into our culture's thinking.

The truth is much of our struggle with conversations around singleness is that we believe in the lie of our culture. We don't talk about it. We've never admit that we have.

The lie we've bought? It's about about the importance of sex and experiencing it.

Christina S. Hitchcock puts it this way in her book, "The Significance of Singleness":

"At the heart of America's [and Canada's] fear of celibacy, a fear that American [and Canadian] evangelicals share with their secular counterparts, is the belief that if we do not engage in sexual activity, we're not really grown-ups; we may not even be fully human." (pg. 16)

When I first read that, my instinct was to disagree - as yours may be. But, I stopped to think about it for a bit and realized I ultimately couldn't disagree when I looked at the big picture of Western Christianity. Whether we're aware of it or not, we say things that point to how we think this way.

The truth is that, if we're going to live according to God's standards for sexuality, we have to be unafraid to stand apart from our culture. And that means we have to go beyond just talking about "saving" sex for marriage.

When we make comments about how getting married means someone has grown up or about sex being an adult activity we reveal how we've bought into our culture's beliefs. Even if we still believe sex should be only within marriage, we don't even realize that we equate it with being an adult.

The problem for single people is that, regardless of whether we get married one day or not, God made us sexual beings. That doesn't change just because someone is single past college-age. This doesn't mean we have to be controlled by it, but it does mean we still have to acknowledge and live with that part of us.

So, we have to learn to address it better. This is about holding the message of God's plan for sex and sexuality high.

As we create space for people who are single into their thirties, forties, fifties, and beyond in our discussions about this, we have to learn to change our responses to their expressions of struggle in this area. Being told once again that God calls it sin outside of marriage so we just have to not sin doesn't help. Neither does quoting 1 Corinthians 7:9 at us, which says that it's better to marry than to burn with passion. These responses minimize the struggle that is being expressed.

Rather than offer platitudes in response, we need to be okay with acknowledging the struggle. We cannot try to find the easy way out with this one.

What it looks like to live God's way doesn't change just because of your age or marital status. It is still God's plan for sex to be only in marriage. We are still called to sexual purity in all areas of our lives.

But, what also doesn't change is that singles still have the same sexual desires as those who are married. This means single people live ever day with no way to satisfy these desires from a human perspective and stay in God's design for sex. Some days this isn't even something that crosses our minds. And other days it's a much bigger struggle.

The hope to hold onto in this struggle is that others have lived this way. We're not the first people who have lived with this struggle and we won't be the last.

Sam Allberry reminds us of this:

"Jesus was not calling others to a standard he was not willing to embrace himself. He wasn't calling singles to sexual abstinence while knowing nothing of it himself. He lived this very teaching.
But there's even more that even that. Jesus is not just an example of a nonhypocritcal teacher. He is the example of the perfect man. He is the humanity all of us are called to be but which none of us are. He is the most complete and fully human person who ever lived. So his not being married is not incidental. It shows us that none of these things - marriage, romantic fulfillment, sexual experience - is intrinsic to being a full human being. The moment we say otherwise, the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman." ("7 Myths about Singleness", pg. 25)

Even in the struggles we have hope because we know it's possible. That doesn't mean it's easy. Just that it's possible.

We Can't Let Our Discomfort Keep up Quiet

Wading deeper into a topic I never thought I'd be wading into on this blog. It's not a topic we regularly talk about, but we need to.

In her book, "Party of One", Joy Beth Smith puts it this way:

"Out of fear or discomfort or shame, we in the church have relegated any discussion of sexuality to the act of marital sex." (pg. 84)

And I get that. I've hesitated to write this post for exactly the reasons above.

I've restarted it multiple times as I've tried to figure out what to say and how to say it. But, I know I can't end this series of posts without addressing this. It has a big impact on the lives of all in the church - whether married or single.

We live in a sexualized culture. It's everywhere we look. Really, it's almost impossible to avoid. And that is why we need to have these conversations.

"Our conversations and theology around sexuality have to become more nuanced. They have to encompass more than physical intimacy, and they have to allow for people who are single well into their thirties, forties, and fifties, whether by choice or by circumstances." (Joy Beth Smith, "Party of One", pg. 85)

The way we have limited the discussion on this has ignored a growing group of people in our churches. Whether we're married or single, we're sexual beings trying to navigate things according to God's plan in our highly sexualized culture. It's not easy for any of us, which is why we need to talk about it.

We can no longer pretend that there is only a short list of message about this that we need to communicate. It's not just "wait until you're married to have sex" and "don't have sex with anyone other than your spouse." Those are important biblical messages, but if we stop with them, we fall short.

Sometimes, I wonder if we stop there because many of the people responsible for communicating our messages on this have little or no experience with being single past the "normal age" for people to get married. It can be difficult to talk about this when it's something you have little experience to understand.

So, how do we fix this?

We need to create space where this conversation is okay to have. Where married and single people can share without judgement. Obviously, with appropriate boundaries, but still able to share personally.

How the Purity Message of my Youth Was Incomplete

"God created sex for marriage."
"Don't have sex before you're married."
"Lust and pornography are sin."
"You have to decide beforehand that you'll stay away from sin in this area of your life, because you need to know where you stand in this before you're tempted."

I'll be honest, this is never a topic I intended to write about. But, as I've wrestled with the topic of singleness and the church, I've realized this is a part of the discussion I cannot just avoid.

I grew up in the church in the era of the "True Love Waits" movement, complete with signing purity pledges and wearing purity rings. Much of the message of this movement was good and in line with what Scripture says.

I truly believe church and youth leaders got on board with it with the best of intentions. They wanted to encourage us to and help us to live a pure life, that we in line with Scripture.

But, the message was incomplete and there was an implication to the message that went largely unspoken.

The message was incomplete because it didn't address what it looks like to handle our sexuality from a biblical perspective. The message was almost exclusively about what not to do in this area - about the sin we needed to avoid. Looking back on this, I also understand why. This is a challenging topic to address in that setting. They were walking on a line of what parents would see as appropriate. So, while the message was incomplete, I don't fault my youth leaders for that.

I think it's the unspoken implication that was more damaging anyways. It's the one I've had just enough conversations with those who also grew up in this to see the pain it caused many of us, whether we're single or married today.

The implication of all of this was, if you didn't have sex before marriage then you would have great sex once you got married. While this was rarely spoken out loud this directly, it was implied in what was taught.

As a single person, the long-term result of believing this is spending many years feeling like I was missing out on something I deserved for signing the "true love waits" pledge card in high school and not having sex. If the reward for those things was supposed to be great sex in marriage, then I was definitely missing out as a single person.

As you can imagine, this had a negative affect on my relationship with God. It wasn't until I realized that this wasn't true and was not what Scripture said, that I was able to move beyond this. I had to come to a deeper and more complete understanding of what Scripture said about this.

This is again a confirmation of why we need to be studying the topic of singleness more closely in the church. We need to correct our misconceptions and misunderstandings of all of this.

The Problem with our Message about Modesty

"You have to cover up so you don't cause your bothers in Christ to stumble when they see you."

"Men are visual; they can't help what happens when they see a female wearing flattering clothing; so you always have to dress with that in mind."

I can't tell you how many times I heard those messages growing up in the church. Always from well-meaning people whose heart was in the right place, even if the way went about it wasn't the best choice.

I'm sure there's many people who grew up in the church who would agree they heard the same message. And as a teenager and woman in my early twenties, I bought this completely. It influenced my choice in clothing and my appearance in every way.

When I look back on that now, I'm struck by something I didn't notice at the time . . . how insulting that message actually is to both men and women. I know it wasn't the intent behind the message, but it reduces guys to being incapable of thinking about anything but sex, and women to nothing more than sex objects to anyone of the opposite sex around them. That's not exactly an accurate portrayal.

Yes, there are many who struggle in this area. Yes, there are those who make poor choices in this area. But, I fear we've strayed too far in the opposite direction in the message we preach on this topic. We may have the best of intentions, but I wonder if we're actually doing more harm than good.

Before you jump all over me - I'm all for modesty in how we dress. I'm not trying to take away all responsibility from women in how they dress. But, I don't think they should be the ones to carry the weight of what everyone they may have contact with during the day thinks either.

Scripture makes it clear that each of us is responsible for ourselves alone before God - not others. Yes, we should love and care for our brothers and sisters in Christ enough to not knowingly do things that will cause them to stumble in their own walk with God. But, that doesn't mean we should live our lives spending all our time worrying about whether or not we're causing a fellow believer to stumble. They are ultimately responsible for their own sin before God, just as we are for ours.

I believe that in the message we have been preaching about modesty, we have been unintentionally making women responsible for someone else's sin - in this case their brothers in Christ. And that is wrong. They aren't responsible for it and they shouldn't be made to feel like they are.

Should we be teaching the importance of appropriateness in how we dress? Absolutely.

Our culture crosses the line on what is appropriate and modest all the time. We, the church, have a responsibility to teach it as part of living a life of integrity as a follower of Christ.

We also need to be teaching all to take responsibility for their own sin and to go to God with it, rather than blame it on someone else and the way they dress. That's also part of living a life of integrity before God, as His child.