Please Respect my Personal Space

 Everyone you meet has a different set of personal space boundaries and they're important. They often exist for a reason. It can be hard to know the nuances of what someone's personal space looks like - especially because they may change depending on who the person is with at the moment.

I've written before about how we need physical contact with safe people regularly to do well in life. But, how much and with who is a very personal matter. And we have to learn to allow space for it to be different.

When it comes to this, I think there are a few things we do often in church in trying to be welcoming, that actually make people feel uncomfortable instead.

The first is the need to touch someone when you're talking to them. Whether it's an extra long handshake or a hand on their shoulder, I've experienced it and seen it often. There may be times when this is appropriate or desired, but it can also easily serve to make the recipient feel uncomfortable. For a conversation in the lobby at church, this is probably not necessary most of the time. When praying for someone a hand on their shoulder could be a good thing, but, even then, we should be asking first.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the sometimes uninvited hugs. Being a "hugger" isn't an excuse to make some feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We need to be aware of other people's comfort with hugs and not force it on them.

Finally, the biggest thing is to not assume because someone was okay with it with one person, they automatically will be with you too. The level of relationship with a person can often have an impact on what someone is comfortable with. You may have just seen hug a family member or a close friend, so don't assume they'll hug you too if you don't fall into that category.

The biggest thing we can to do to help everyone feel comfortable is to respect someone's wishes. If they move away from you or prevent contact in some way, don't keep trying. If they ask you to stop, then stop. If they acknowledge you, but don't extend their hand in response to your offer of a handshake, don't keep following them around or put your hand on their shoulder.

One more thing I've seen, that probably bothers me more than any of the above. A kid should never have their personal space invaded or have your hand on them without their permission. We live in a world where teaching a kid that their body is theirs and no one gets to get too close to them without their permission is vital for their safety. We should be enforcing this at church, not disrespecting it.

I have stepped between my niece and people who were ignoring her discomfort. I will always do that for her with no questions asked, but I shouldn't have to at church. And for the record, she is always able to get right into my personal space without hesitation if she needs me. That doesn't apply to everyone else.

Please Don't Touch me Without my Permission

 I don't know if I'm just more aware of it since the start of COVID and physical distancing, or if people are just different now, but in the last while I've felt like there's an increase in people just invading my personal space.

I'm not talking about people I know, who have my permission to get in my space. I learned in the last few years just how much I need that. We were made to have physical contact with others and I don't think I'll take that for granted ever again.

But, it feels like I've noticed an increase in the numbers of people I don't know or barely know wanting to give me a hug - particularly at church. And, when I politely say "no thanks", they're either offended or they just keep trying. Some week after week, until I feel myself backing away every time they get anywhere near where I am.

I assume the other person has good intentions. That they're not intentionally setting out to make me uncomfortable.

But, that doesn't change the facts that they are making me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in that moment.

For me, anything more than a handshake when greeting someone is reserved for my family and my friends, not every person I see at church. It it's an appropriate moment of prayer for someone and both people are okay with it, a hand on a  shoulder in prayer can be a good thing.

But, I struggle with those who push for a hug or unexpectedly touch my back or my shoulder. If I'm not giving permission for that, then it shouldn't be happening.

And I'm watching this happen with kids too. The number of times I've seen my niece have to deal with this in church too. Just because she's a kid doesn't mean she should be okay with it. In fact, her being a kid, means it should only be at her invitation. She gets to decide if she's okay with that.

We don't what a person we see at church, who isn't a close friend, may be dealing with or feeling in that moment. Whey may not be comfortable with physical touch in that moment, or touch from you, and we should be respecting that. If someone is uncomfortable with the hug, then we should respect that and give them the space - not take it personally.

When We Just Need a Hug

 We're living in a world where hugs, handshakes, pats on the back seem like distant memories.

I wrote a post a little over a year ago talking about why hugs are so important as a single person. Really it was about why people getting physically close to us is important. 

Lamenting the sudden lack of physical touch and the need it revealed.

Now that we're two years into this new reality, it's something that has come up again. While it might not feel quite as taboo to be close enough to someone to touch them at this point, the rules have still changed. There's a hesitancy. A constant need to ask a question first.

And I get it. I understand. Some people still aren't comfortable with it. Some people never were and are enjoying the way it is now better. I always want to be respectful of people and where they're at.

But, here's the other side - from someone who has been living it for two years.

I need that hug.

I need that hand on my shoulder.

I need that person who gets closer to me than 2 meters away.

My new reality has become that I can easily go 3 to 4 days without anyone getting anywhere close to me. And the only regular hug I can count on getting comes every time I see my niece.

I feel the lack of it. 

I feel it in the tension in my shoulders that has become the norm.

I feel it in the increased irritability that seems to always be there.

And I feel it in the positive effects when I do receive a hug. When the tension and irritability seem to soften for a bit.

As I've been reading through the gospels lately, I've noticed something I'd never really paid attention to before. When Jesus healed people, He almost always touched them in the process. His words alone were powerful enough to heal them. He didn't need to put His hands on them. Yet, He most often did.

Why?

I think Jesus knew the healing and restoring power of physical touch. He saw these people requesting healing ad He knew they need more than just the removal of the disease or physical infirmity. He saw the pain and suffering caused by being outside of community and He healed that too.

We also see Jesus prioritizing healthy physical touch when people were bringing their children to Him and His disciples tried to send parents away. Jesus stopped His disciples and made the children coming to Him important.

Jesus' ministry show us an example of physical touch in healthy ways being important. And, now, we live in a society where it's been pushed aside, where the rules for it have change significantly. But, our need for it hasn't changed.

So, what do we do now? How do we more forward?

As things shift again, we need to make space for those who are comfortable with it and need it, to get those hugs again, to have someone actually sit beside them.

Because I know the difference hug makes. I just experienced in a surprise, short visit with a friend.

Why Are Hugs so Important as a Single Person?

 "I'm not a hugger."

"I don't need many hugs to survive."

Those are words I would have said easily a year ago. And I really believed them.

Then a global pandemic hit and hugging pretty much everybody in my world became a thing of the past. Suddenly, I was aware of just how many hugs were a regular part of my day, my week. And how much I needed those hugs.

There were the two or three hugs with coworkers at the start of a work day.

There were the hugs with a few friends every time I saw them.

There were the hugs with people at church when I arrived each week.

That's when I realized . . . maybe I am a hugger. No, I don't greet everyone I see with a hug. But, for those I'm comfortable with, a hug was an important part of every time we saw each other.

Realizing how much I missed in these last 10 months or so is a large part of what prompted me to write these posts. It made me realize that I actually needed those hugs. So, I am, in fact, a hugger. I'm just someone who only hugs some people.

So, it made me wonder why this was so important as a single person. Why did it seem like me and other single people I talked to felt the lack of physical touch so much more acutely so quickly?

Now, I realize that there are lots of people from all walks of life are struggling with the lack of physical touch and connection. It's affecting us all. But, what I noticed is that there was a difference in how quickly it was felt by those who are single and live alone and those who lived with others and saw and were close to people everyday.

It relates to what I wrote about in my last post. We have limited what intimacy is and that means we've pushed singles to the edge of this. In many ways, a lack of physical touch has always been our reality. Adding in a few hugs from family each week when I saw them, the list I shared at the start of this post is the extent of all physical touch, and anyone getting even physically close, in my world on a normal basis. And it doesn't help that in many circumstances people already go out of their way to avoid getting too close, let alone touching me.

It doesn't mean there aren't other things that aren't helpful and good. Just incomplete.

"While hospitality is good and necessary, there is an intimacy our unmarried brothers and sisters need that cannot be met with mere meals and occasional movie nights. For singles to feel connected to the body of believers, healthy touch must be practiced." (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

That is the reason why those hugs are so important. That is what makes me a hugger.

Rather than avoiding touch, we need to change how we look at it and how we act on it. Especially for the sake of the singles in our midst.

"When it comes to our single friends in the church, instead of prioritizing the keeping up of appearances, what might it look like for married people to prioritize giving the gift of physical touch in appropriate but very intentional ways?" (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

Obviously, this is something to put into practice in the future - once this global pandemic is over.

But, still an interesting question to consider. I would expand it to include everyone, whether married or single, offering physical touch in appropriate but very intentional ways.

How do we Change our One-Size-Fits-All Rules?

 If our one-size-fits-all rules cause harm, what should we do instead?

How do we approach these interactions appropriately and in ways that aren't open to misinterpretations?

This is already an area with lots of grey and lots that can go wrong if we're not careful. This is why we like lists of what we can do and can't do to be so clear. It's how we attempt to deal with the grey areas and keep ourselves from the potential of any trouble.

This feels like something I'm not qualified to address. Except I opened up this issue. If I'm going to argue that we need to change things here, then it's only realistic that I offer some thoughts though. 

So, here goes my attempt at an answer . . .

We have to begin with changing our understanding of intimacy and physical touch. It's easy to look at our culture and see the way we have sexualized everything.

"We are so sexualized in our culture that we cannot divorce erotic touch from faithful ministering touch with those between whom there is no physical attraction." (Lore Ferguson Wilbert, Handle With Care)

It doesn't take long to see this in culture. A simple look at advertising tells us this. Or listening to some of the popular music. Or watching just a few minutes to TV.

But, it's not just society.

We've done the same thing inside the church. 

It's why we can't hug someone of the opposite sex without people wondering. It's why we go to great lengths to avoid anything where we might be close with someone of the opposite sex.

And we start this sexualized thinking when we're young. It's in the messages on modesty where girls are told to make sure their clothes don't reveal too much because they don't want to cause the guys to stumble. A message that ultimately tells the girls they're sexual objects to guys. And guys that they're not responsible for their thoughts if a girl's clothing isn't modest enough.

Yes, we should be teaching modesty and care for our brothers and sisters in the church. That's vital to how community works. It's not the principles behind this teaching that we to change. Those are true.

My argument is that we need to change the reasons why we teach the principles. The focus needs to be on honouring God with our lives and our choices, not on making us responsible for the choices of another person.

If we're going to change our one-size-fits-all rules, we have to start with changing the way we view physical touch. It's ingrained in us to view almost all physical touch and intimacy through a sexual lens. But, that limits and constrains us.

If we were to remove that lens, how might our rules change?

What About our One-Size-Fits-All Rules?

 What if I told you that some of the rules - both spoken and unspoken - that we have in our churches around interactions with and physical touch between men and women actually caused harm to some people in our churches?

What is your gut response to that claim?

Because that's the premise of what I'm writing today.

I've struggled with how to write this post. What words to use. How strong to come across. Because, I've probably offended some of you already. 

And, not that long ago, when someone said that to me, I was offended too. Until I took the time to actually think about it and relate it to my own experiences. That's when I realized that caused harm is exactly the right phrase to use. 

I believe our rules were put in place with the best of intentions. And many of them make a lot of sense on paper - but only on paper. Especially in light of the sex-crazed society we live in, where accusations - some true and some not - and sin in this area abounds. With all of this, blanket rules feel safest and clearest. The easiest way to prevent misinterpretations of actions or words.

I get it. I understand why all these blanket rules exist. But, that doesn't change the fact that they also cause harm to some people who are on the receiving end of the results of these rules.

When we think about the fact that no two people have the same story, it makes sense that blanket rules wouldn't work. And that makes this even more confusing and complicated.

Before, I go any further, let me be clear: I'm not advocating for the removal of all rules or boundaries. I'm not saying we shouldn't have any rules. I'm saying we maybe need to look at our rules and maybe the hard and fast rules need a little bit of room.

As Lore Ferguson Wilbert puts it in her book Handle With Care:

"In all my years of being in church, it was common to hear placid and stale counsel regarding touch, Always dos or never dos. But none of this takes into account the variety of stories the people of God carry with them - no two stories are alike, no two people are alike, therefore no touches are alike in their giving and receiving. This makes it an infinitely complicated issue."

One of these complications comes from something I've written about a lot here. Being single.

A little further on in her book, Wilbert puts it better than I could:

"Singleness can be a lonely place. And its lonely edges, for many, show up most often around touch and the lack of it. This is when most people feel their singleness most potently."

I've written about this feeling in previous posts. And it's probably something being felt even more acutely in this time.

But, don't think this is something unique to living through a global pandemic. Wilbert wrote her words long before we were in the middle of a pandemic and it's been true a lot longer than this. This feeling may be exacerbated in this time, but it's always been true.

So, getting back to my claim that our rules cause harm to some people. There's one group that I can talk about. What some of these rules play out like as a single person in the church.

As I thought about how to explain this, the clearest way seemed to be to try to put you in my shoes in a couple of common scenarios. Give you an inside look at what goes on in my head - much of it as a result of our one-size-fits-all rules.

Scenario 1

You see a friend at church you haven't seen in a long time because they're no longer living where you are. They're back for a visit. The challenge . . . he's a married man and you're a single woman. Even though you both know his wife would be okay with it and she's standing right there with him, there's a hesitation as you approach each other and evaluate if a quick hug will be okay with those around you. 

The rules say that hug is inappropriate. That's what you've heard since youth at church. And that's what the looks of most of those who see this tell you. Even if no one says a word about it. But, in any other place, there would be no hesitation to greet each other with a hug - and not an awkward side-hug, an actual hug.

Scenario 2

This one doesn't deal specifically with physical touch, but it relates to the same rules I'm talking about. 

You arrive at church and head for where you usually sit with friends. He is seated already, but she isn't - you haven't seen her yet so you don't even know if she's there and will be coming to sit down. You wonder if you should sit down yet. Or maybe it would be better to just drop your stuff off and go find someone to talk to for now.

You've heard the comments before about a single woman sitting near a married man - even when you stay an appropriate distance away. Even worse if you have a conversation with him while his wife isn't there as well. All this despite the fact that you know, she would be just fine with you taking a seat and having a conversation with her husband before church started, in the public space you're in at the moment.

Now, reading those two examples, thing may seem a little extreme. It might seem a little "out there." Honestly, it was an interesting experience to actually write down the thoughts that go through my head in those situations. Those are just two examples of more I could give with enough time.

But, I hope that those examples give a little bit of insight into how some of our one-size-fits-all rules can cause harm. That kind of thinking I describe, that's what is constantly going through my head in every interaction - especially in settings where these rules have been deemed to apply.

Why Do We Need Hugs?

 Have you ever had a time when you just felt like you needed a hug?

Or a time when someone gave you a hug and it changed how you were feeling - for the better?

I know I can easily answer both of those questions with yes.

I didn't know the science behind it all, but I've known hugs were important to our health.

Now, I know we're all different. For some of us, the more hugs the better. Other don't feel the need for many at all. Wherever you fall on this, I hop you'll read on.

One of the first things I searched was how many hugs you needed in a days. That resulted in an answer that surprised me:

"Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, 'We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.' While that may sound like a lot of hugs, it seems that many hugs are better than not enough." (https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits#How-many-hugs-do-we-need?, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

Whether you feel you need this many hugs a day or not, I think it reminds us that hugs are incredibly important.

My next question was about why hugs are so important. There were many sites that offered lists and articles on the benefits of hugging (I'll include some further links at the end of this post for those who want to read more). While the lists were slightly different, all came back to similar lists of benefits:

1) Hugs reduce stress by showing support

2) Hugs protect you against illness

3) Hugs may boost your hearth health

4) Hugs can make you happier

5) Hugs help reduce your fears

6) Hugs many help you reduce your pain

7) Hugs help you communicate with others

(https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

One of the reasons why these benefits exist with hugging is because of what it triggers inside our bodies.

"Oxytocin is a chemical in our bodies that scientists sometimes call the 'cuddle hormone.' This is because its levels rise when we hug, touch, or sit close to someone else. Oxytocin is associated with happiness and less stress." (https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

I think, if anything, my study of the science behind physical touch reinforces what I already knew about the good a hug or someone putting a hand on your shoulder does. It is a vital part of our lives. And that's whether you're a hugger or not. We all need people physically close to us.

Now, we move into what would be more what usually gets posted on this blog.

How does this need for physical touch play out in every day life?

How does it look in the church?

What do our current thoughts, opinions, attitudes, and actions in the church say about how we view this topic?

What does it look like for singles in the church?

_____________________________________________

Links to some of the other reading I did as I was preparing for this post and last week's post:

All links were correct and led to articles as of the writing of the post, Dec 11, 2020.

1) Why Physical Touch Matters for Your Wellbeing 

 https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_physical_touch_matters_for_your_well_being

2) The Power of Touch

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201303/the-power-touch

3) The Science of Touch

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hands_on_research#:~:text=There%20are%20studies%20showing%20that,aka%20%E2%80%9Cthe%20love%20hormone.%E2%80%9D

4) What are the Health Benefits of Affective Touch?

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323143

What Does Science Say?

 So, what does science say?

This isn't often my next question in a series, but as I began to dig into this topic, I realized I couldn't adequately address physical touch without looking at this question. This led to s study I I found fascinating and I could have just kept going with no end in sight.

As I studied, one thing became incredibly clear to me: Physical touch is important for our health - physically and psychologically. The benefits of a hug, a hand on a shoulder, even just being physically close to another person cannot be denied.

All of this, for me, pointed to something: God created us with a need for physical touch, which means it is a good thing. Unfortunately, as sinful human beings, we have also perverted it and used it for harm. But, even this doesn't change the fact that we need it to be healthy.

One of the sites I came across that talked about our need for physical touch was clear on why we need it. There are benefits for our functioning:

"When you feel snowed under or pressured, the body releases the stress hormone cortisol. One of the biggest things touch can do is reduce such stress, allowing the immune system to work the way it should." (https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#benefits-of-touch, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

This wasn't the only benefit given.

"Touch can also calm certain bodily functions, such as your heart rate and blood pressure. It does so by stimulating pressure receptors that transport signals to the vagus nerve. This nerve connects the brain to the rest of the body. It uses the signals to slow the pace the nervous system." (https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#benefits-of-touch, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

Physical touch makes a difference in our bodies functioning. We need it for things to function well.

There was one more thing I came across that intrigued me:

"Plus, it tackles loneliness. Even gentle touch from a stranger has been shown to reduce feelings of social exclusion." (https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#benefits-of-touch, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

As I thought about this more, I realized how true it is. I've experienced it myself and I'm sure many of you have too. When you're at some sort of gathering and someone greets you in a way that includes some form of physical touch (a hug, a handshake, a pat on the back) and you almost instantly feel like a part of the group.

I think that's where I'll end for today. But, my next post will look more specifically at hugging and the benefits of it.

What Does the Bible Say? (Part 2)

 Is Jesus' ministry on earth the only example of physical touch we find in the Bible?

This is the question I was still wrestling with as I finished last week's post. 

Jesus' life and ministry is certainly one of the clearest examples. And there isn't a list of direct commands or prohibitions given in Scripture. Some aspects of it are covered in other directives, but physical touch is not an item with a specific list of things in Scripture.

But, Scripture is also not completely silent on examples of other situations.

One of the things we see that we still often practice in our churches today is laying hands on people as we pray for them or commission them. (Acts 6:6, 9:17-19, 13:3, 2 Timothy 1:6)

Until the study for this posts, I've never really thought about this as being an example of physical touch. But it one. And it is an example of physical touch that we seem to see as acceptable for all in most situations.

There was one more example of what could be interpreted as physical touch in Scripture. Paul ends a number of his letters with these words and you can also see it in one of Peter's letters. At a glance we amy not see them as words about physical touch because of cultural differences.

Paul & Peter both end these letters with the words: 'Greet one another with a holy kiss." (Romans 16:16, 1 Corinthians 16:20, 2 Corinthians 13:12, 1 Thessalonians 5:26, 1 Peter 5:14)

It's easy to just move quickly past these words as not being important. But when I stopped and took the time to understand what was meant by this simple sentence.

As I looked at commentaries on these verses it started to become clear that this was about a greeting of mutual affection in the family of God.

In the note on Romans 16:16, Barne's Notes on the New Testament, it is described this way:

"Greet one another in an affectionate manner; that is, treat one another with kindness and love, and evince all the proper marks of affection."

This kind of greeting would be along the lines of a quick hug or a handshake today.

Talking about 1 Thessalonians 5:26, The Moody Bible Commentary says this:

"Paul's final requests included prayer for himself, and that the intimate gesture of the holy kiss be shared with all. This 'kiss' was a common gesture of fellowship meant to convey affection and unity. While it might still be an appropriate gesture in some cultures today, in others, more culturally acceptable gestures would adequately fulfill the apostle's intent."

These words from Paul and Peter would indicate a level of closeness in the greeting of other believers where physical touch would be part of it. Nothing sexual or impure is involved. This is simply being willing to be close enough to physically touch each other.

While I'm sure with more study, I could find more in the Bible on this topic. But, I will be moving on in my writing on this in the coming weeks. Next week, I'll be starting to talk about what science says about our need for things like hugs and people sitting close to us. It's been a fascinating topic to dive into.

What Does the Bible Say?

 This is the questions I always like to start with when I'm working on a blog series. I think it's the best place to start. After all, the Bible is our authority on how to live as Christians.

So, what does the Bible say about physical touch?

I'd never read any of my Bible looking for references to physical touch before. It was a different study with this topic in mind.

The first place I looked was probably one the more obvious places. Jesus' life and ministry.

It didn't take long to see that Jesus regularly touched people when He ministered to them. Often when He healed people, but also the children who were brought to Him (Mark 10:13-16, Luke 13:10-17)

It was Jesus' healing of people by touching them that most caught my attention. Jesus could have healed them with a word - something He did on many occasions. Yet, there are occasions when the gospel writers were very clear that Jesus touched those He healed.

As I looked at those times Jesus touched someone to heal them, they were people who wouldn't ben used to being touch. Some because the law actually said they couldn't be touched without making someone unclean, as the person in need of healing was considered unclean. Others because they're reality made it unlikely they would be touched by others, at least not in healthy ways.

So, what did physical touch look like for Jesus?

Jesus touched a man with leprosy to heal him (Matthew 8:1-4, Mark 1:40-45, Luke 5:12-14)

Leprosy made the man unclean. Being unclean excluded him from daily life interactions that were normal. It excluded him from going to the temple. And people would have gone out of their way not to touch him so they didn't also become unclean.

Even in the man's words to Jesus, there is a sense of his desire to be included and be able to be touched by others again. Matthew 8:2 records his question: "Lord, if you're willing you can make me clean." Yes, being clean implies being healed of leprosy, but I think the desire to be clean goes beyond just the healing. Jesus was willing and He reached out to touch this man. In doing so, healing his leprosy and restoring that healthy physical touch for the man.

We also see Jesus touch those who were deaf or blind to heal them (Matthew 9:27-31, 20:29-34, Mark 7:31-37, 8:22-26, John 9:1-12)

In that day, those who were deaf or blind would have had no choice but to beg from others for daily necessities. While times change, not everything does and I don't imagine beggars in Jesus' day were treated much different than today. Largely ignored or seen as a nuisance. And definitely not touched by those who passed them by. Yet, Jesus chose to touch them in His healing of them.

When I look at Jesus' example, I see somehow who was not afraid of physical touch. And not with just a few people. Jesus accepted it all from anyone who gave it and He gave it to many - often to those on the outside.

There is more to discuss about what the Bible says about physical touch to come.

What we All Need

 When I wrote my series on singleness in the church a year and half ago, there was a topic I completely avoided. It came up a few times in my research and writing, but I always had a good reason to skip over it. There was always something else to write about.

The truth is that I just didn't want to go there or open up that topic. But the last nine months have brought it back to the surface and I can't avoid it anymore.

I touched on it a little bit in my post last week, but there's so much more to it than what I wrote there. In the next few posts, I'm going to be talking about physical touch and our need for it. And take a look at what Scripture says about it.

Because this is a topic with potential for so much confusion, I'm going to start with being clear about what I'm not talking about:

1) I'm not talking about one of the five love languages that are popular to talk about. You don't get to tune out or stop reading because it's not your love language.

2) I'm not talking about sexual touch or love. That is a different topic, and one I currently have no plans to write about.

So, what am I talking about? What do I mean when I say physical touch?

I'm talking about those moments of connection with someone that comfort, soothe, make us feel loved and safe. A hug from a friend. A hand of comfort on our shoulder. A friend just being physically close to us while we watch a movie or enjoy being outside.

And, as I think about this topic, I've been hesitant to go here in the past, because of the huge possibilities of misunderstanding. Especially as I move into talking about what it looks like for a single person. 

As Lore Ferguson Wilbert writes in her excellent book Handle With Care: How Jesus Redeems the Power of Touch in Life and Ministry:

"Our society simply doesn't know what to do with the human body or human touch. Our culture is confused, and confusion only results in more confusion."

It's easy to look at culture and see the confusion. But it's not limited to secular culture.

I would argue that the church is just as confused - in some cases, even more confused - than our culture. We've just replaced the lack of rules or boundaries you could say is our culture's problem, with a long list of things we can and cannot do. A list that actually can't be found in Scripture. A list that often causes harm in exactly the ways we're trying to protect ourselves.

So, I will start with the next post looking at Jesus' use of physical touch in Scripture. And move from there into discussion about life and life as a single person in this area.

I Just Need a Hug

 Who knew the day would come when I would be hesitant to utter (or write) those words?

Who knew the day would come that someone could say those words and not have an abundance of people offer an immediate hug?

But, that is the reality of the times we're living in right now. This isn't the time of greeting people with a hug.

(Before I go any further, let me be clear on one thing: This is not a space to debate the response to the current pandemic. There will be no tolerance for arguing about whether the right decisions have been made. I am talking about a need many have and how we can respond in a challenging time.)

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm not a big hugger. I enjoy giving and receiving hugs, but I'm not someone who just hugs everyone I see. But, even I have reached the point where I would hug almost anyone willing to hug.

I understand why it's not happening right now. The reasoning makes sense to me. I get it. I'll respect the rules, guidelines, public health orders of this time.

I didn't realize how important something that seems as simple as a hug was to our health until that was limited and removed in most cases. I live alone, so there's not an option of people to hug in my house every day. This time has made me all the more grateful for the couple of people in my life who I do still get to hug - although sometimes that's still not enough.

And, if I'm struggling with this right now, then I can't even imagine what it's like for those who are huggers - for those whose default greeting of someone is a hug.

Science and human experience tells us how important that physical contact with others is for your health - physically, spiritually, emotionally. 

And, so I've been wrestling with this question:

How do we deal with our need for physical contact - for things like hugs - in a time when we need to limit our physical contact? What can we do?

Because if I'm honest, I'd just go for being able to sit closer to someone than two meters apart from someone.

I know from experience, the good a hug can do. I've been in situations where it calms my anxiety in a moment. I feel my shoulders relax. Even though, it doesn't remove the worries or hurts, it eases the pain and stress of it.

There is lots out there that supports to science of the good hugs do for us. A simple search will bring a lengthy list of scientific articles and news stories about them.

So, what does all this mean? How can we meet this need right now?

I don't know that I have a clear answer on it. I don't know that I have the answer.

But, what I will say . . . hug the people who are in your circle right now. Make the space for that, because I think we all need it right now.

And care about those who you can't hug. Take the time you can to still listen and be there. It might be the same as a hug, but even those conversations with others who care, who I know in other circumstances would freely offer a hug, still help.

Hug those in your circle as much as you all need to.

Listen to and care in other ways for those you can't hug right now.