The Lies We've Been Telling Singles & What We Should Say Instead

 What have you been told about sex, sexual desire, & intimacy?

If you could get past any uncomfortableness you have with talking about these things, what would you say to someone who asked you about it?

What would you say to someone who was single about these topics?

Scripture is abundantly clear on God plan & design for sex & intimacy. However confused our culture is, many within Christianity would agree that God designed sex for one man & one woman within marriage.

Great.

That's a good foundation.

But, we all know there's more to it than that. With this part of us, that God designed when He created us, comes questions & struggles. We have to figure out how to honour God in this area in a culture that doesn't.

So, going back to the questions I opened with; what if I told you that some of your answers were lies? Or, at the very least, overly simplistic answers to complex & honest questions? Especially when it comes to the growing number of older singles in our churches.

I know, some of you are frustrated with me right now. I'm okay with that. This topic is more nuanced that we would like & we need to wrestle with it.

So, what are the lies or simplistic answers we're giving?

Lie #1: If you remain sexually pure, then God will reward you with marriage & sex will be good.

Lie #2: Sexual desires should be prayed away if you're single.

Lie #3: If you have sexual desire you should just get married, or be satisfied in Jesus alone.

Lie #4: Masturbation is okay, or it's the unforgivable sin.

Lie #5: Men are visual; so pornography is only a man's problem.

Lie #6: God will give marriage to everyone who wants it, or  He will give them a gift of singleness in return.

Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men or women of the opposite sex because it gives the appearance of evil.

What Singleness Is Not

 I saw something in my Facebook feed the other day that rubbed me the wrong way. As is often the case, it had to do with singleness & how Christians talk about it & often view it.

Whether meant exactly how it sounded to me at first read or not, the immediate read that I & others in the comments who have been singles for longer, had hurt. I always do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt & assume the best in their intentions, but that doesn't mean saying nothing when things should be said. Even if the way it was read was not the intent, when multiple people read it in a way that causes real pain, it reveals just how much the choice of  words matters.

So, I'm going to address what was written & how it was read here today.

Here's what I read:

"Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured, but rather, it's an important stage of life that needs to be passed through as God shapes us, molds us, & loves on us." (emphasis mine)

Now, I'm going to start with what's right & good & needs to be said more in the church. Too often, especially in the church, we view singleness as a disease. When we find out someone is single, we start looking for reasons why they are & solutions or cures to it.

We need to be clear in our refusal to see singleness as a disease to be cured or a problem to solved. This view has done much harm over the years to many, & I appreciate statements that challenge this thinking.

But, as good as the first part was, the rest of the statement was hard to read. It turned singleness into something we go through (see the underlined words in the statement above) as if it's a step toward maturity. It perpetuated the all too common & hurtful view that singleness is a temporary state for everyone. That it's somewhere people are for a while until they inevitably move to the next stage of life where they are married.

Here's the thing: Nowhere in Scripture is marriage promised for everyone. That means some of us will be single for all of our adult lives. 

And any real look around our churches today would reveal that. There are significant numbers of single adults sitting in our church pews on Sundays. 

Some sources put the number of single adults in our church on a Sunday as high as 50%. Now, that number does include divorced & widowed singles, but a number that high does mean there are a significant portion of adults of all ages who have never married in our churches.

To view singleness as a life stage to be passed through is actually as hurtful as seeing it as a disease to be cured. It's as painful as seeing singleness as a problem to be solved. It still devalues the individual & leaves them feeling as if they haven't arrived at some arbitrary marker of maturity expected for them.

If I were to rewrite what I read, I would say something like this:

Singleness is not a disease to be cured, or a problem to be solved, or a life stage to get through. Singleness is a fact of life for some people, that God uses for His purposes & His glory, regardless of whether it is short-term, long-term, or something a person returns to at a later point in life.

What We Need to Say & Do Instead (Part 8)

 I've spent the summer talking about things we need to stop saying. As summers draws to a close and my list of these things is all written about, I feel like it's important to take a moment to look at the other side. If we're supposed to stop saying some things, we need to have something to do or say instead. I know I wrote about that in some of the posts, but the others were more difficult.

As I wrap up this series, I'm realizing that it all comes down to actually taking time to have a real conversation and really listen to what someone is saying. So much of the time, we end up challenging situations because we're not really listening to each other.

Or, what the person is saying makes us feel uncomfortable, so we respond with a platitude hoping that will end the conversation on that topic and our discomfort with it. But, while our comment may end the discomfort, it perpetuates the pain, the struggle, and the desire to really be seen and heard by the other person.

Our culture doesn't teach us to listen well, or to engage in conversations that bring discomfort. We learn how to distract ourselves and disengage from these conversations. But, that actually is why there are so many thing we need to stop saying. We only sort of listen most of the time and get in trouble because of what we miss.

Ultimately, we need to take the time to actually pay attention to the other person in the conversation. Instead of looking for a quick response and a way out of a conversation that might be somewhat uncomfortable for us, we need to take the time to have a real conversation. To really listen. To ask questions to understand more. To care about the other person in the conversation.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 7)

 "You won't understand because you're single or don't have kids."

These words inevitably come when someone is talking about a reality they're facing that relates to marriage or kids.

I won't argue that there are parts of the situation I may not understand because I haven't experienced it myself. But, it's like that in almost everything in life. Even if I don't completely understand everything, I can still listen, ask questions, and pray.

The ironic thing is these words are often said by people who feel they can speak into and understand my world, even though they haven't experienced things exactly the way I have. It almost comes across that because someone is married and/or has kids, they automatically have wisdom and insight into all of life, that a single person can't possibly have.

Can I be blunt for a moment?

If you got married in your twenties and had kids soon after, your experience of singleness was nothing like mine is as I enter my forties as a single person. Your experience doesn't compare. My own experience of singleness in my twenties doesn't compare to what it is now.

But, that also doesn't mean I'm going to discount anything you say or assume you won't understand anything at all. That difference may mean I'll filter some of your advice or thoughts through my experience and I may challenge your thoughts sometimes. 

I'll approach it with the thought that your own experiences may help me see things I'm missing if I stay limited to only my own experience. Sometimes someone completely outside our experience sees something we can't and helps us to understand something better. That's how God intended for things to work when He created us to need each other.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 6)

 As I was writing in a coffee shop a couple weeks ago, I had a brief conversation with the person at the table next to me. They asked why I was writing this series.

I explained that these things are unhelpful to everyone in the conversation and they make the single person in the conversation feel like there's something wrong with them or they're doing something wrong. 

The response I got was another thing that we need to stop saying. This is something we need to stop saying in any situation - not just in conversations with singles.

"You just need to stop taking things so personally."

In my opinion, this is one of the most unhelpful things we can say to anyone ever.

In these nine words, we cause more hurt and pain than we often understand. We dismiss the very valid feelings and struggles of the person. We minimize the challenges of the person we say it to.

It is completely true that there are times when we take things much more personally than they were meant. We read too much into the other person's words. We take on an interpretation they never meant.

But, even in these situations, telling someone not to take it personally just makes it hurt more. We would be better served to acknowledge that the person was hurt by what we said, even if we don't understand why it was such a big deal to them. And then, if opportunity affords it, to have a further conversation for both sides to understand each other better.

A better response to someone when we what we're saying is not as big a deal as they seem to think it is, would be to ask them to explain more. Not just say "why," but let them know you want to understand better - that you care enough about them as a person to listen to what they have to say.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 5)

 "If you just stop desiring marriage, you'll find the person to marry."

I can't count the number of times I've been told this, because it's happened so often. And never in a helpful way; instead, always in response to me simply expressing the fact that I would like to be married one day.

I'm not sure how simply acknowledging that desire is a bad thing. If marriage is something created by God, then how can having a desire for it be wrong?

I'm not talking about being obsessed with the desire. There may be some occasions where the person is obsessed with getting married that they do need to surrender that desire to God. But, my experience says that this is exceedingly rare. Most singles who desire marriage are far from obsessed with it.

When it comes to relationships, it seems like we tell people not have a desire for anything and definitely not pursue it. But, in any other area of life, we tell people to go after what they want. It really makes no sense that we do this.

Saying this assumes a lot about the motives of some's life. Unless you know the person really well, you likely don't have enough relationship to not make assumptions. And most people who have said this to me didn't know me well enough to actually know if I was obsessed with getting married or not.

Even if someone does need to surrender this desire, that conversation is best and will most likely be heard if it happens in the context of a friendships with someone who has taken the time to get to know them and care about their lives. The acquaintance or stranger at church is not going to have an effective conversation about it. And the passing comment is just going to bring a defensive response.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 4)

 "You don't have anyone at home waiting for you, so should be the one to fill that need. You have time."

This one I really wish I'd never heard, but I've heard it in some form on more than one occasion.

I believe there's a couple of reasons why we need to stop saying this. First, it often ignores the gifts and abilities of the person it's said to. The place where there's a need to be filled may be something that the single person knows they won't do well, and may even dread.

For example, I've had people push me towards volunteering in kid's ministry because of need. There's just one big problem with that . . . I don't particularly like kids. I love my niece and will do things with her, but generally I don't like spending time with kids. I would make a terrible kid's ministry volunteer because I'd be dreading it and counting the minutes til I was done. It's actually better if the space is left open for someone who likes kids even a little bit, than for me to fill it.

The second reason why we need to stop saying this is because of the assumptions about the time a single person has that it makes. Yes, it's true that there's no one waiting for me to get home. But, that also means I'm the only one to do everything at home. Instead of having another person to share in the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and other household tasks, I do all of that on my own. That takes up a large portion of the time I have that comes from no one else being at home.

The problem with saying this really comes down to the assumptions being made about another person and their life, just based on the external facts you see. We get ourselves in dangerous territory when we do this with any person for any reason.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 3)

Here's the third thing in my series on things we need to stop saying:

Anything at all that implies how good your sex like is and how the single person you're talking to is missing out.

This is just not appropriate.

I'm actually baffled by how much about the topic of sex is considered taboo to talk about in Christian circles, but comments like this are somehow acceptable.

There may be places where this conversation is good and helpful, but not when you're talking to a single person. And especially not when you say it in a way to make them feel like they're missing out on something.

It doesn't make the single person you say it to want to pursue marriage more. It doesn't make them make more intentional choices to pursue marriage. Many times, they're already doing everything they can, but when it's dependent on another person, you don't have all the control.

Instead, it makes them feel looked down on and like they're seen as less than. It can make them feel pitied for missing out.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 2)

 "Why are you still single?"

This is another thing we need to stop saying.

It's not helpful.

The question is usually preceded or follow by something about how great of a person someone is. 

But the question often hurts and takes away from anything else that was said alongside it.

Why does it hurt?

It points out that the person is still single, even with all these good things about them. It feels like being single is seen as a problem that should be solved. It implies that there is something wrong with being single, especially if you have all these good qualities that are given.

Instead of encouraging someone with good things you see in them, the message that can actually come across is that there's something wrong with you because you have all these good qualities and yet you're still single. It makes the person on the receiving end feel incomplete or less than.

The last reason why we need to stop asking this question is that it's an impossible question to answer for all, but a very select few. There may be a few people who know they have a specific message from God that they are to be single for a time or for their lives, but those people are not common. Most of us have no way to answer the question, so asking it, and then expecting an answer, does no good.

I realize not all who ask are looking for an actual answer to the question. But, even when it's just left hanging with no answer, there's an element of struggle to find an answer felt. And it leaves an uncertainness for those who are asked.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 1)

 Can we please stop telling people that marriage is the greatest tool God can use for sanctification?

It's something I hear all too often, and as a single adult it's frustrating.

It's actually hurtful to many.

As a single adult, it comes across as meaning I don't have the opportunity for sanctification because I'm not married. And, yes, I've had people say that.

With single adults a large and growing number of people in our churches, comments like this alienate more people that we realize.

And, let's be honest, God has a lot more tools to use for our sanctification than just marriage. He's not limited. We make Him out to be smaller than He actually is when we decide what His best tools for sanctification are.

As long as we are living in relationship with God, He can do the work of sanctification in our lives. He can use any situation or relationship or things that come our way to sanctify us. And He does, if we allow Him to.

Yes, marriage is a tool God can use for sanctification. 

So are roommates, friends, coworkers, neighbours, family members. 

So it trusting God through a challenging time. 

So is persevering to finish a project that didn't come naturally or was filled with challenges.

Ultimately, anything in our lives can be a tool God uses for our sanctification, if we'll allow it to be.

But, that's the key with all of this. We have to allow it to be a way of sanctification. If we don't, then it won't be.