My Least Favourite Part of Church Services

I've often wondered if I'm the only one who feels this way, or if there's more who feel the same way sitting in church pews each week. I love church. I love my church.

But there's a moment in almost every church service that I don't really look forward to. Some weeks, I would say it's the moment I dread.

What is it?

That moment, usually after the first song, when someone tells you to greet the people around you before you sit down.

Writing it down, it doesn't sound like something that's a big deal. And compared to so many things in life, it probably isn't a big deal at all.

But, it's a moment when I'm often tempted to just slip out of the service just to avoid the awkwardness I feel doing that.

It's not that I don't want to talk to people, or I want to just ignore the people around me. But, I do find it awkward to just shake hand sand say hi to people I may or may not know. I would much rather take a few minutes for a conversation with someone, than say nothing more than hi to a dozen people in the next minute.

I've always been like this. When I arrive at a party and there's a crowd of people there already, I'm not going to be the one who says hi to everybody. I'll find a couple of people to start a conversation with. Over the course of an evening, I'll talk to more people, but large groups of people can be draining for me, so I'll look for the smaller groups within that through-out the time I'm there.

It may only be a minute or two in church, but that time can be draining for someone like me. With ever person I turn to, I'm draining to social energy I have to spend for the evening. And some weeks, I don't have very much to begin with, so it's really tempting to avoid this time of spending what I have to spend that night.

But, I also don't want to come across as rude to anyone around me, so I'll turn and shake hands with people around me. I'll do my best to engage in this part of the church service as well, but more weeks than not, it's a challenging time for me.

I've had this post sitting as a draft for a few months because I've been trying to figure out a way to wrap it up. A way to bring it to some kind of a conclusion. But, that is proving to be elusive. However much I want a tidy ending to this post, I'm beginning to think there isn't one for this post.

It's not something where I can say "this is what we should do about this." It's something where all I can say is we need grace for each other. I know some people who like this part of a church service. And I know I'm not the only one who could do without it.

So, what do we do? 

Too Much of Something Meant to be Helpful?

I'm getting tired of an endless stream of articles about introverts and how they interact with people and what they need from people. And any other topic related to it, you can think of.

Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely an introvert. I identify with almost all the descriptors of introverts you could come up with. And I deeply appreciated my friends who try to understand me better by understanding these tendencies in me.

But, with the endless stream of things about it, I often wonder if it's become little more than the latest fad. The latest thing we're all interested in. And, if the abundance of stuff out there about it means we run the risk of not actually learning anything from it, because we see it so often we become immune to it.

As much as most of those descriptors of introverts describe me, they also only describe a part of me. I'm much more than an introvert. Yes, it's part of who I am, but sometimes the endless nature of these things makes me feel like if I identify as an introvert, that's the only box I fit in. 

Yes, I prefer one-on-one coffee, or a couple of friends at a time, rather than a large group.

Yes, I struggle with small talk that never moves beyond that.

Yes, being with people drains me and I need time alone to recharge.

Yes, I could go days without seeing, and even talking to, other people, without missing them.

Yes, I can be a very social person and manage a crowd well when I need to.

Yes, I might sit quietly off to the side at a party sometimes and I'm okay with that. I'm enjoying the people watching while I manage the crowd my way.

But, who I am goes far beyond that. I feel like the acknowledgement of that is something that is missing in this endless stream of stuff about being an introvert.

We miss out on who we were fully created to be by God. A person who is far beyond any one word to describe me.

And I worry that we miss out on who people really are when something about people becomes a fad and we're bombarded with it day after day after day. I don't think what we need is more information about what we need from each other or how we should interact with people who could be described a certain way. 

I think what we need is to offer grace to each other in every interaction we have. To ask questions to understand the person, rather than assuming we know what we're thinking. To seek to really get to know the people in our lives as individuals rather than just determining what box we can put them.

Alone

Alone.

Just me walking in the door.

The familiar question running through my head: Will there be anyone who comes today that I can sit with? Or will I sit alone again?

It's not that I don't feel welcome here. I do. I'm definitely at home here. It's a place of familiar faces.

But, it's still hard to sit alone so often.

The service is over. Everyone is heading out the doors. Some to pick up their kids and some to visit with others. Some are in a hurry to leave and some will linger.

Should I stay and try to find people to visit with? Or should I just quickly leave?

Some weeks I linger. Some weeks I go.

Conversations in settings like that are difficult for me - especially when I'm feeling alone. I want to connect, but sometimes it feels like because I'm alone, it's more difficult to connect. Maybe it's because I struggle with making small talk too.
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Each time I go to church events of any kind, thoughts and struggles similar to these go through my head. As a single person, who is also an introvert, easily overwhelmed by crowds, going to church events can be hard.

I want to go, but I also struggle with it. I usually go anyways and put a smile on my face, but the truth is I'm fighting a battle with myself inside.

Sometimes it seems like I'm the odd one out in these settings. Everyone I talk to is married and often has kids. And that seems to make conversation more difficult - like there's less to find for common ground.

But, we were made to need each other. God made us to need relationship with people. We need to connect with others.

Sometimes our feelings can hinder our view of reality. In those moments when I'm feeling alone, it's far easier to further isolate myself from others, than to reach out to others and seek that connection. But, those are exactly the moments when we need to reach out most - when we need to push past the feelings of being alone and make connection with others.

When we seek that connection with others that God created us for, we begin to live the life that God intends for us to live.

The Need for Silence in Conversation

How do you respond in conversations when there are moments of silence? Do you look for something to fill the silence? Or do you wait it out?

We all have different reactions to silence in groups - whether it be just us and one other person, or a larger group of people. Some are uncomfortable with it and will desperately seek to fill it. Others will just fill the silence and not even realize they're doing it. Still others are comfortable with it and will just wait it out.

There is one group of people, who sees silence as completely necessary. Without it, they just won't say anything. It might seem counter-intuitive to others, but these people need it.

As one of these people who needs silence in conversation to participate fully in it, I can say that it is sometimes hard to explain this to people and have them understand. Without silence to allow me to form my thoughts and then put them into words for others, I just won't say anything.

There is a need to silence sometimes. I know not everyone needs the same thing. Some people don't handle silence well. But, some people need it.

When I take a bit of time to answer your question, I'm putting my thoughts into words to communicate it with you. I need the silence to do that. I realize sometimes it's awkward when I take that time. I take as little time as possible to put it all together. But, I need the time to do so.

I'll give you lots of room to talk. I'll happily listen. But, if you fill all the quiet places, I'll never say a thing. I'm asking for some grace from you, in those moments when I need some time to put my words together.

Part of learning to do life together is learning to work with each other in all our differences. That means I'm learning to not get annoyed when others keep talking and avoid the silence. It also means, I'm asking that others learn to work with my need for silence in the midst of conversation.