When You Feel on the Outside

 It was another one of those moments when I felt like I didn't really belong. No one said it. No one was trying to make me feel that way. But, in that moment, it's what I felt.

I was sitting around the lunch room table with my coworkers for our usual Friday morning coffee and donuts. Conversation and laughter was plentiful. But, on that day I felt like I was sitting outside of the group, eavesdropping on a conversation I wasn't a part of. A conversation I couldn't be part of.

Most days, the fact that I'm single and have no kids doesn't matter. The reality that I'm the only one in the office without a spouse or kids isn't noticed or mentioned. And it didn't come up on this Friday either - at least not in anything any of my coworkers said.

But, for me, that was all I could of that day. As stories about things they'd done with their families or that their kids had done or said were shared, I felt completely outside of the conversation. I didn't have any of that to share. I'd spent my evenings for the last week sitting at home alone. And I sometimes secretly wondered if others got tired of all my contributions being about my niece.

The experience I had that morning left me thinking about things. I've written a lot in the last few years about singles and the church, about what the Bible actually says about singleness, and about friendship as a single person. But, I've never really written about what it looks like at work.

Maybe because, in some ways, my work environment is different from most others because I work for a Christian organization.

But, I think it's more because I was hoping that there was one place in my life where being single didn't impact things. Except, being single and not having kids is part of who I am regardless of the setting. 

So, what is my point? Conclusion? The reason why I wrote this?

It really has little to do with work. It's about the moments when you feel like you're on the outside, eavesdropping on a conversation. And how that can sometimes feel as a single person.

Even though we don't want to always be focusing on our differences in groups of various kinds. It's worth taking time to be aware that not everyone in the group has the same set of circumstances in life. Regardless of the similarities that brought you together, there are differences and it is helpful to be aware of that.

There are times when being sensitive to other's lives in conversation is important. Being aware gives us grace for the moments when someone feels like they're outside the conversation. Most of the time, there's no intention by anyone to make someone feel like they don't fit in the conversation. It happens without planning and no one is aware of it except for the person who feels that way.

Sometimes it may be something as simple as shifting the conversation for a while. When you notice someone has gone quiet or seems to be disengaging from the conversation, that could be a sign it's time to change the topic for a bit.

It comes down to making sure that everyone feels cared about. Taking the time to acknowledge all the people present - even the quiet ones.

That Friday morning conversation with my coworkers, changed for me when one of my coworkers asked a question about something they knew I was doing with my niece. In that simple question, I no longer felt like I was outside the conversation, or that no one there wanted to hear more about my niece. 

It really can be that simple. But, it means we have to be paying attention and be aware of what people are experiencing.

Navigating Christmas Parties Alone

December is here.

And with it comes Christmas parties, family gatherings, New Year's parties, and many other gatherings. Lots of it is fun and joyful.

But, as a single adult, it also brings some different challenges, or maybe just highlights some existing challenges that seem to fade into the background the other eleven months of the year.

As I was thinking about what I was going to write about over this season, I had a lot of ideas about where I could go with things. But, the one that kept rising to the surface was talking about some of these challenges. I've been writing about singles in the church for a while, so this seemed a fitting direction to go for this Christmas season.

The first challenge I'm going to talk about . . . going alone to Christmas parties, especially work ones.

From January to November, I can go to work gatherings of all kinds on my own and it doesn't seem to be an issue. But, the work Christmas party in December always seems to be different somehow.

It starts with the invite: "You and your spouse/significant other are invited . . ." Right away, I know I'm going alone. Other work gatherings throughout the year will say: "you and a guest are invited" but not the Christmas party. For some reason this ones seems to specify couples only, so I know I'm going alone.

Then comes the arrival at the party and finding a seat. Honestly, this is my least favourite part. All the tables are set up to be filled by couples with an even number of seats, so when I take a seat I'm messing that up. And there's always the thought in the back of my mind that worries about messing things up for the people that arrive after me. If the room is already filling up, then there can even be unspoken, yet clearly there, pressure for the single people not to take a seat until all the couples have.

And finally, there's the small talk at the table as you meet you co-worker's spouses - either for the first time or as a re-introduction. Answering the question of whether you're with someone or not endlessly, or at least it feels like it's endlessly. We identify ourselves by this questions so often we ask it of most people we meet and have any length of conversation with. There's nothing wrong this question, but it does somehow feel more painful to answer at a Christmas party than at other social gatherings.

Now we've made it to dinner and hopefully most or all of the awkwardness of going single to the work Christmas party is over. Although I have been in situations where it's not yet over - thankfully those times are quite rare.

So, how can single people prepare for going alone to the work Christmas party?

Be honest with yourself about you feel. Then choose to go and have a good time no matter what.

How can everyone at a Christmas party make it less awkward for those coming alone?

The first and probably the one thing that makes a big difference: If at all possible, don't set up the room so that all the tables have exactly the same number of seats at them with just barely enough seats for everyone. Leave space for those coming alone to not worry they're making a couple sit separated from one another when they choose their seat.

Second, when your co-worker who is coming alone joins your table, make the conversation about more than just marriage and include them in the conversation intentionally.

Finally, if you're involved in planning activities or games for the party, please avoid things that put people into couples for it. Even if I'm with another single co-worker and we pair up for it, it's still going to obvious that we're not a couple. Yes, I've had this one happen once. After a few minutes, there was an exodus of those who were single from the room - and it felt like no one noticed us.

It really comes down to something I've said often in my recent posts, it's about having grace for one another on both sides and seeking to understand as best you can.

Why I'm Still at my Job After 10 Years

Ten years at one workplace. That's not something I ever really expected to reach. All the way through my education we were told to expect multiple job changes, especially as we began our careers, and that staying extended periods of time anywhere was a thing of the past. Because of that, I never expected to be looking at a quickly approaching 10 year anniversary at my current workplace.

But, as I sit here and reflect on that I realize that, on most days, I still look forward to going to work every day when I get up. There are days when I struggle and tasks that really aren't my favourite to do, but I think that's reality for every job for every person out there. I consider it a huge blessing from God that I want to go to work when I get up.

I've been thinking for a couple months about why this is true. And I have a list of reasons:

1. I get to use my education and my skills for something that has a greater purpose than just making more money.
2. I like the challenge of making sure everything balances and works like it should.
3. It's been a great opportunity for learning and growth in my field.

I'm sure I could come up with more if I took enough time. I also know I could say those things about more than just this job. There are other choices that would offer me those things.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that, while the above reasons are true, there is a reason why I love my job most days that is beyond all of those. What it really comes down to are the people - my coworkers, our volunteers, those we serve.

As someone who isn't necessarily seen as a people-person this was a surprise to me at first. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize the truth of it.

I've the last 10 years, I've had the privilege of working with some incredible people. They really are some of the most patient, caring, grace-filled people I've ever known. My job often hides me from the day-to-day realities most of my coworkers face, but in the moments I do see them in action, this is what I see.

The volunteers - they come and give and love people on their own time. Giving selflessly to others.

It's also the people who come through our doors. Their needs are sometimes more obvious than ours, but I'm not sure our ability to hide our need is a good thing. Stories of life change.

So, as I sit and reflect on 10 years in one workplace, I'm reminded of the importance of the people around us. And I'm grateful for the people God has given me the privilege of working with. My life is better and richer because of them.