Risking to Let Someone In

 

Clear blue skies.

Fluffy white clouds floating by.

Afternoon sun making it feel much warmer than the 30 degrees the temperature says it is.

A gentle breeze keeping almost comfortable.

The cool water of the creek flowing over our feet.

Birds chirping in the trees surrounding me.

The sound of rushing water providing the background for the chirping birds.

I honestly don't know what could be more peaceful. A respite from the busyness and stress of life. Calm in the middle of storms.

The tree across the creek from me stands tall and barren. A white pole in the midst of the lush green. From this distance I can't tell if it's dead or alive. I can get close enough to see if there are buds or signs of life.

It makes me wonder if we could say the same things about our lives.

How often do we stand alone, feeling barren, in the midst of lush life around us?

We've kept people at a distance. They can't tell if there's life in us or not. No one knows looking at us from the outside. No one gets close enough to actually see.

Unlike this tree, we make the choice to keep everybody at a distance. We build up the walls and protections to keep people from knowing what's really going on. We isolate and self-protect.

We think we're doing a good thing, but we end up actually causing ourselves harm. In our quest to look like we have it all together, we close ourselves up from what we really need. While trying to keep from getting hurt by others, we actually hurt ourselves.

So what does it look like to open up? To all others in? To allow people to see if there are signs of life?

It means taking a risk. We have to be intentional about opening up with others. And that might mean we get hurt sometimes. But, for all the times it does go well when we risk letting people in, it will be worth it to take the risk.

So, who is one person in your life you can take the risk with?

And, what is one thing you can risk sharing?

Sometimes we Have to Take a Risk

When was the last time you took a risk?

When did you last step out and do something you felt God was asking you to do when you had not guarantee of the outcome?

Rebekah Lyons, end her book Rhythms of Renewal (releasing Oct 1, 2019) by talking about taking risks. This is part of what she calls the rhythm of create.

I'm not a risk-taker. I like to stay where it's safe and only engage in things when I know the outcome. I tell myself that's the best choice. But, it's also a way to miss out on what God is asking me to do.

Rebekah outs it this way:

"Taking a risk may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's the only way we partner with God in creating good and beautiful things."

And I know this is true. The times I've taken risks and stepped out without knowing how it would turn out have had this result. That doesn't mean it's easy though.

But, there is something I've learned. As Rebekah puts it:

"The call and assignment of God is never possible without God."

We weren't created to do it on our own. When God asks us to take a risk, it will look impossible from our perspective; but with God it's not.

As she wraps up the book, Rebekah reminds us of an important thing:

"There is nothing more beautiful that finding strength on the other side of yes. It's not a strength of doing, but one of being. Being in the center of his will."

Often this is something we only find when we take the risk. When we step out in the calling and assignment God has given us that is impossible without Him. When we say yes to the risk it changes everything.

This is something I have lived. About 7 years ago, I knew God was telling me He wanted me to lead a women's Bible study. This was the last thing on my mind as something I would ever do. How was I going to talk to a group of people about anything, when I had never been able to do so before? I was quite happy to just keep being the quiet one at the table who said very little. But, God had other plans, and He used a couple of key people in my life to convince me to take the risk and try it. I've never looked back. And I know it's not possible for me to do what I'm doing without Him.

What is the risk God is asking you to take?

Are you willing to step into it?

Talking About It Despite The Fear

I guess this is becoming part in a bit of a series about anxiety (you can read part 1 and part 2 here) on here about this. When I wrote that first post, I never really intended to write more on it, but here we go.

One of the questions I've been asked recently is:
If it's so scary to out it out there for others to read, why do I do it?
If it's so easily misunderstood by people, why do I take the risk?

I guess my answer is that, while it's scary, it's also liberating. There's no longer a feeling of pretending in my life. There's no longer an added fear of being "found out" when something happens.

For the first 8 years after I was told I had social anxiety disorder I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself and just did my best to structure my life in a way that (at least I thought) wasn't overly obvious to people. But, about 3 years ago a series of events rendered that impossible to do anymore. Everything became too much for me to manage on my own. As it impacted more and more areas of my carefully structured life, I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

I no longer had a choice about telling people. Those first conversations terrified me (even more than the first post I wrote a couple of weeks on this), but afterwards I felt a sort of freedom I hadn't expected. There's something powerful about letting other people into your biggest struggles. I was no longer alone in it. And I found incredible love and support in those people I told.

As I moved slowly beyond that time and was able to manage better again, I realized my biggest help had come from being open about my struggle with this. That inviting and allowing other people in was important. I also realized how many others may be struggling with the same things we are, but staying quiet because we thing no one else will understand.

I was also painfully aware of the stigma that still often comes with any kind of mental health struggle - both inside and outside of the church. And I knew the only way this would change would be for people to keep talking about it, so we can one day change the conversation about it.

All of that is why I choose to continue to talk about this. Keeping it to myself didn't help me, it doesn't help others, and it will never change the conversations we have about it. The changes when we talk about it, despite the fear and misunderstanding. Our silence leaves everything the same.

So I choose to keep talking about this, despite the fear. I will talk about this despite the comments that all it would take to be "cured" is more faith in God and more prayer (believe me, I pray and I believe God can heal me of this, but it hasn't happened yet). I will talk about this despite the times other misunderstand what I'm trying to say.

But, mostly, I will talk about this because it brings freedom - for me and for others. Keeping silent about our struggles binds us up. When we talk about them, freedom can come.

No Idea What to Call This

As I stood to the side and looked out over the busy room - the church gym transformed into a place for a women's conference - I was reminded of a conversation I had a little less than 15 years ago. A conversation where I was told that I likely wouldn't be able to do what I was doing that weekend. Attending a women's conference with more than 170 women at it was not supposed to be something I could manage, let alone also helping to put the event on.

You see, I was told I had Social Anxiety Disorder in that conversation. As I've chosen to talk about this more in the last few years, I've discovered that many people don't know what this is, don't understand what I mean when I say that.

There's a lot of good information out there about it, but it doesn't seem to be very widely understood. For the sake of clarity and simplicity, I'm going to share the definition of it from the Social Anxiety Association:

"Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interactions with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life." 

It is the third most common mental health issue in the world today. And 7% of the population (including in the church) is dealing with it at any moment, and 13% will at some point in their lives.

Now that we've established some basic facts, on to my purpose in writing this post . . .

I'm incredibly appreciative of the friends I have who have learned what this looks like for me and how they can support when I'm in settings like this women's conference. They're a large part of what makes it possible for me to be a part of them. Even though these types of events are exhausting for me, I'm grateful I can be a part of them.

As I speak up more about this battle in my life, I frequently realize how little about it is understood by so many in the church. Despite the facts about its prevalence that I share above anxiety disorders often seem to be misunderstood in Christian circles.

I think a lot of the misunderstanding comes from the word anxiety having multiple meanings in how we use it and we're not always clear on the differences. Everyone has moments when they feel anxiety over something. The difference is that, for most people most of the time, it doesn't interfere with their ability to do things. They're not so paralyzed by it they can't move on from it.

I can't even begin to count the number of times well-meaning people have quoted Philippians 4:6-7 or 1 Peter 5:7, or any other myriad of Scriptures when they find out I struggle with anxiety. Don't get me wrong, those verses contain great truth. Truth I cling to when my mind is going crazy. Truth that does help me to calm my mind sometimes. They remind me of what I need to be doing, and they're a part of how I function everyday.

There is a spiritual aspect to all of this and it absolutely must be dealt with if I'm going to be able to live a full life. But, for me, and for others who also live with this, it goes beyond that. The physical and mental part of this is just as important to deal with as the spiritual part. Whether it be medication or counselling or some combination of that, we cannot ignore that this is a part of dealing with this in our lives.

I guess I'm writing this to try to explain some realities, but as I put this out there, I'm also realizing that it doesn't do much good if I don't get to something practical.


So, what can or should you do when someone you know is battling an anxiety disorder?

1) Ask them what they need from you in social settings that make their battle more difficult. 

They likely know what others can do that helps, but they're not going to ask, because that opens them up to being negatively judged, which is part of their anxiety. When you offer, you're letting them know you're not negatively judging them.

2) Be patient - even when it's awkward.

Maybe, especially when it's awkward.

Sometimes I'll be managing okay in a situation, until I'm not. I can't predict when that will happen and I often can't see it coming until I'm at the point where I can't manage anymore. I know it's awkward when that happens. It's why I go through seasons where I just avoid everything. But, avoiding everything doesn't help, it makes it worse. When I have people around me who are patient when my anxiety makes things awkward, it makes it easier for me to manage the next thing.

So, be patient. Stay with them. Let them know, that's not enough to make you leave.

3) Don't be afraid to lovingly, gently speak the truth.

When my anxiety gets going, I know my thought patterns are ridiculous and full of lies, but I often can't stop them myself. That's when I need people in my life who will gently and lovingly remind me of the truth.

Don't yell it. Don't try to argue me into believing it. But keep speaking it. And remind me that I need to speak it out loud too. Eventually it will get through and help.

4) Don't decide that this struggle means they can't be there for you.

Just because we have a struggle in this area of our lives doesn't mean we're not capable of supporting you in whatever you're going through. We all need friendships where the love and support goes both ways. Let us be there for you when you have a need, the same way you're there for us when we have a need.


Obviously, every person is different, so every person's battle with anxiety is different, but I think these suggestions are general enough for everyone. That's why I started with asking the person what would help them.

I know these things make a difference, because I have friends who do these things all the time. Ultimately, it's God Who makes it possible for me to be part of a team to put on a women's conference. But, He often chooses to use those around me to be the way He does that. I'm incredibly grateful for the community I have.

Changing the Stories we Tell Ourselves

The stories we tell ourselves matter. The can change everything in how we see a situation.

The way we fill in the blanks about an interaction with someone can impact our relationship with them without them ever knowing what happened.

The videos we replay in our minds as determine why someone reacted the way they did can change all our future interactions with them and they'll never know what's driving the change.

We go through life with missing information, left to fill in the gaps. And we fill in those gaps based on our past experiences. Often, based on the worst of our past experiences.

It's how we're wired. When we don't have all the answers, we try to fill in the blanks. We tell ourselves stories to explain it all.

Often, these stories are dangerous. Because we don't usually assume the best about people in these stories; we assume the worst and react accordingly. In doing so, we can cause serious harm to relationships, or to ourselves.

I ended up in this place myself recently. I had an experience where the way I filled in the blanks in a way that was harmful to me. It wasn't so much that I damaged a relationship with someone else. But, I took what happened, and filled in the blanks in such a way that I wasn't worthy or adequate to be in the role I was in with this happened. I was heading down a dangerous path.

What if we learned to stop ourselves?

What if we started asking for more information so we could fill in those blanks accurately?

What if we started to change our thinking about others?

What if we started assuming people are doing the best they have with what they have, instead of the worst?

I believe that would change everything in our relationships with people. It will take courage to do so thought. It will require intentionally from us. We'll have to be intentional about stopping our usual thinking and changing it. We may even have to have the courage to ask for the missing information from people so we can fill in the blanks correctly.

But, I think it will be worth the cost.

In the situation I was in where I had filled in the blanks with the wrong information and was heading down a dangerous path, I had to make that choice. I had to choose to reach out to people who could help me change the story I was telling myself. It wasn't easy. Often, just admitting out loud the story we've been telling ourselves reveals how ridiculous it actually is. But, I knew I needed to, so that others could help me to write the story correctly. As hard as it was, in the end it was worth the cost.

Are you willing to start making this change?

Taking Risks

Over the last few months I've had some posts for here that I've written, but not had the courage to post. With a writing group that I'm part of we were challenged to write something that scares us and then share it.

I've done half of that. I've written it, but that was the easy part. It's the sharing of it that is a little more difficult.

This has caused me to think a lot about the whole idea of taking risks in our lives. About taking chances with things we do.

Not uncalculated or stupid risks. But planned, carefully thought-out risks.

Those are the things that make life interesting. Without risk our lives are boring and predictable.

The times in my life I look back on as being exciting or even just being enjoyable, are the times when I took a risk of some kind. They weren't always big risks, but even the little things can change things.

The times in my life that were the most boring and predictable are the time when I just stayed where it was safe and I refused to take any risks. That's not the way I want to live.

Taking risks is not something I do naturally. I would much rather stay where I know it's safe. It's my usual tendency, but it's not really a satisfying way to live.

What risk do you need to take?

What is holding you back from taking that risk?

When will you take the risk?


{The posts I've written that led me to writing this post, will probably be posted one day, but I don't know when. I' may have made you curious about them, but you'll have to wait until that is a risk I'm taking in sharing them.)