Lie #7: Single Adults Can't Talk to Married People of the Opposite Sex

 Lie #7: Single men & women should never talk to married men & women of the opposite sex because it has the appearance of evil.

This one is a tricky one. I'm just going to acknowledge that from the start.

But, I'm also going to state right away: something I need a man's perspective on something. And, if I can never talk to one who I know enough to value his perspective, where am I supposed to get that?

I'm not talking multiple, long, one-on-one conversations. That obviously crosses a line. But, a shorter conversation in a public space with other people around shouldn't be a problem, especially when the married person's spouse is aware & okay with it.

God created us different. We see things differently from the people around us. And sometimes that different perspective is needed. It's important we have space for it.

In our desire to avoid the appearance of anything evil, I think we're made something a problem that shouldn't be. We've actually taught people to be afraid of talking to someone of the opposite sex, rather than teaching them how to have healthy interactions. And we've made it an even bigger issue if one of the people is married & the other is single.

Instead of helping people have healthy boundaries with interactions with the opposite sex, we've done exactly the thing we accuse our culture of doing. We've sexualized everything about the interactions of a man & woman. Whether we intended to or not, we've told people - especially single women - that they are sexual objects & therefore cannot have a conversation with a man, because it will go places it should never go.

Maybe that sounds harsh to you, but it's something I've been told by multiple people in different settings over the years. It hurts every time I hear it, because I'm being reduced to a sexual object & my motives are being assumed to be impure without a second thought.

Remember, I'm talking about a conversation in the church foyer or other place where others are around - not a one-on-one conversation along. Sometimes, the conversation with the married person's spouse included, & always with their knowledge.

Instead of fear, let's learn to have healthy interactions with each other. Let's learn to respect & honour each other.

We Need Both - Studying the Bible Deeply & Following the Promptings of the Holy Spirit

 I had someone ask me a few months back if they could go to Bible college and still have a life led by the Holy Spirit afterward.

I was curious about why they were asking me this.

They had been told by someone in a different conversation that going to Bible college and studying the Bible & theology that way would mean they would just have an intellectual belief. And they would no longer be able to hear or follow the Holy Spirit in their life.

I immediately answered no to their original question. I know from personal experience that you can take the time to study the Bible & theology deeply and still live a Spirit-led life. The two are not mutually exclusive. 

In fact, I would argue that the two are vitally linked together. 

When we study Scripture deeply, we learn to more easily recognize the promptings of the Holy Spirit. And as follow & respond to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, our study of Scripture is further illuminated.

This is something that became very clear to me in the two years that I spent at Bible college myself. And, I will always tell people that it was the best decision I made for my own spiritual journey. And encourage them to consider it for themselves.

There are so many things I learned in my two years at Briercrest College, that have changed my spiritual walk. And they happened both in the classroom as we dug deeply into Scripture, in the discussions that happened in my business classes there, & in the interactions that happened in the dorm or the cafeteria or many other places.

I come back to this story often when I talk about my time at Briercrest. It was something incredibly simple that has had an impact on me - even now, 19 - 1/2 years after it happened.

I started my post-secondary education at a college in my hometown. I enrolled in the business program & spent two years studying business. After that, I made the decision to transfer to Briercrest.

On my first day, as I checked in at registration I had only a few minutes of interaction with one of the professors - someone who was meeting many people for the first time that day. The following week, I ran into this same professor in the hallway & he stopped to ask me by name how my first week was going.

In those few minutes, I realized how different the experience at Briercrest was. There were professors at my last school who had taught multiple of my classes in the two years prior who would not have recognized me outside of the classroom, let alone known my name. Yet, this professor, who wasn't even teaching one of the classes I was taking, remembered my name from a busy registration day.

Something about that interaction made me realize just how important my time at Briercrest would be. Not only was I going to learn academically, I was going to learn in community that really cared & walked it out together.

Alongside reading commentaries & theology books, I learned how to pray. 

Alongside writing papers, I learned to live in real community.

Alongside learning about the historical context where the Bible was written, I learned how to hear God's voice.

Alongside digging into the original language of Scripture, I was challenged to live a life of obedience to God & what He was asking me to do.

Looking back, almost 20 years since I graduated, I still see the time I spent at Briercrest as one the best decisions I made in my life. I wouldn't trade those two years for anything - not one minute of them. Even as this BC born & raised girl, watched the chapel building for this school on the prairies come into view for way longer than I was used to seeing things approach, who had no idea what was going to come, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And I will always tell anyone who asks, if you have the chance to go . . . GO! There isn't a better choice you could make for your walk with God.

The Power of Sharing Our Stories

 "The only story God can't use is the one that isn't shared."

Someone I know from church said this recently in a conversation. It stuck with me.

I tend to be someone who like the academic side of things. I can study or think about things & come to a conclusion. But, in doing so, I often keep it just in my head.

In the course of the conversation where these words were said, I had been reminded of the importance of sharing our stories with each other. It's our stories that move things from facts we know in our heads, to things we know from experience.

Stories also play a role in helping us to see what God has done. In the moment, we may not realize it. But, when we look back to tell the story to someone else or to write it down for ourselves, we see how God was at work. We need these to remind us we can keep going the next time we're going through something challenging. 

Our stories of God's faithfulness or the stories of others can help us to hold on & keep trusting God.

Do You Rest?

Do you make time & space for rest in your calendar?

I'm not talking about time to sleep at night - although that's important & necessary.

I'm not talking about a few hours zoning out in front of show - although there's nothing inherently wrong with that sometimes.

I'm talking about making space in your life to really slow down. To disconnect from the work emails & messages. To really just be present in the moment that's right in front of you.

This is something God actually intended for us to do. In the 10 Commandments in Exodus 20, God says:

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labour & do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, not your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens & the earth, the sea, & all that is in them, but He rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day & made it holy." (Exodus 20:8-11)

Unfortunately, the religious leaders of early Israel had added a detailed list of what you could & could not do in the Sabbath to this. They made it about rules, while missing the heart of it.

But, you still see Jesus & His disciples practicing the principle of the Sabbath. Over & over in the gospels, we see Jesus taking time away from the crowds & demands.

But, in our always connected society, we've lost the ability to really rest. Even when we're not at work our phones have messages from work easily accessible. It's easy to just check it. And there's often an expectation that we will.

But, this isn't how we're meant to live. This isn't what God had in mind from the beginning of creation. The example God set & mandated for His people had a regular rhythm of rest.

The importance of rest has been emphasized for me in the last few months. I was forced into an extended season of rest. At first, I didn't know what to do with my phone being so quiet & so many of the apps I'd grown used to checking no longer being there. I didn't know how to fill my time.

But, I very quickly realized just how tired I was. I had been running so hard for so long that exhaustion had become my normal. I didn't know another way because it had been so long.

As I was forced to slow down, I had to learn to rest. In it, I learned to be fully present with those I was with. For the first time in a long time, I was truly & fully present when I was with my niece . . . & she noticed & commented on the difference. Even now, as I return to working, I'm realizing I need to figure out how to plan for regular rest in my life.

I don't believe we need to get caught up in specific things we can or cannot do on a specific day. That could lead to us missing the point as the religious leaders in Jesus' day had. But, we need to create regular times of rest in our lives. Times where we disconnect from the demands of life & do things we enjoy - that fill us up.

A number of year ago, I heard a pastor describe the concept of a Sabbath in two words. Those two words have kept coming back to mind for me recently. Neither word is about a specific day or length of time or any other rules. They're concepts that can help us to make the space for rest - whether it's an actual day, or an afternoon, or a morning, or a longer period of time.

Pray & Play

PRAY: A Sabbath is time set aside to connect with God. A conversation in prayer without the usual limits that every other day may bring.

PLAY: A Sabbath is time to do things that bring you joy - just because they're enjoyable to you. Things that fill you up.

So, my question to you as I wrap this up: How can you make time to rest - time for Sabbath - a regular part of your life? What does it look like for you to spend time praying & playing regularly?

What Singleness Is Not

 I saw something in my Facebook feed the other day that rubbed me the wrong way. As is often the case, it had to do with singleness & how Christians talk about it & often view it.

Whether meant exactly how it sounded to me at first read or not, the immediate read that I & others in the comments who have been singles for longer, had hurt. I always do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt & assume the best in their intentions, but that doesn't mean saying nothing when things should be said. Even if the way it was read was not the intent, when multiple people read it in a way that causes real pain, it reveals just how much the choice of  words matters.

So, I'm going to address what was written & how it was read here today.

Here's what I read:

"Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured, but rather, it's an important stage of life that needs to be passed through as God shapes us, molds us, & loves on us." (emphasis mine)

Now, I'm going to start with what's right & good & needs to be said more in the church. Too often, especially in the church, we view singleness as a disease. When we find out someone is single, we start looking for reasons why they are & solutions or cures to it.

We need to be clear in our refusal to see singleness as a disease to be cured or a problem to solved. This view has done much harm over the years to many, & I appreciate statements that challenge this thinking.

But, as good as the first part was, the rest of the statement was hard to read. It turned singleness into something we go through (see the underlined words in the statement above) as if it's a step toward maturity. It perpetuated the all too common & hurtful view that singleness is a temporary state for everyone. That it's somewhere people are for a while until they inevitably move to the next stage of life where they are married.

Here's the thing: Nowhere in Scripture is marriage promised for everyone. That means some of us will be single for all of our adult lives. 

And any real look around our churches today would reveal that. There are significant numbers of single adults sitting in our church pews on Sundays. 

Some sources put the number of single adults in our church on a Sunday as high as 50%. Now, that number does include divorced & widowed singles, but a number that high does mean there are a significant portion of adults of all ages who have never married in our churches.

To view singleness as a life stage to be passed through is actually as hurtful as seeing it as a disease to be cured. It's as painful as seeing singleness as a problem to be solved. It still devalues the individual & leaves them feeling as if they haven't arrived at some arbitrary marker of maturity expected for them.

If I were to rewrite what I read, I would say something like this:

Singleness is not a disease to be cured, or a problem to be solved, or a life stage to get through. Singleness is a fact of life for some people, that God uses for His purposes & His glory, regardless of whether it is short-term, long-term, or something a person returns to at a later point in life.

Sometimes You Actually Need a Person

 Can we please stop equating Jesus being with us always as a reason to never feel lonely?

When we do this, we're basically saying that loneliness is a sin.

But, a study of Scripture shows that feeling lonely is not a sin. The things we choose to do as a result of feeling lonely may be sinful, but feeling lonely itself is not.

Yes, it's true that God is always with us wherever we are (Hebrews 13:5; Psalm 139). And that can be a great source of comfort & encouragement.

But, my study of Scripture makes it pretty clear that we are meant to live this life in relationship with other people. We need people around us, journeying with us (Hebrews 10:24-25).

We need to know we're not alone.

Also, often when we're feeling lonely, what we need is to have another in our physical space. That's what changes things.

It's not that we've forgotten God is with us in those moments. It's that we need the presence of a person who cares about us. This isn't wrong. It's how we were created.

We need to become people who respond to the loneliness of others by showing up & being with people. By making space for people, not by shaming them for their feelings with a reminder that God is with them, that doesn't acknowledge what's really going on.

Making Space to Stay Connected

 If you've been in the church for any length of time, you've probably heard the message that we weren't made to go through life alone. And my reading of Scripture makes it pretty clear that Christianity was meant to be lived in community.

But, this is so opposite to what we hear in society. We live in a world that tells us we should be able to do it all on our own. We're told that we should be able to get it done without someone else.

This means we have to be really intentional about staying connected to the people around us. It's not going to happen by accident.

But, how do we make this a priority when we all have such busy lives?

How do we manage the expectations & needs of each other while still honouring our capacities & family needs?

We have to start by having the conversation with each other. We have to be honest about our needs, desires, & capacities. The we can work out what it will look like to stay connected to each other well.

When we do this, it results in a good thing for everyone involved.

Who Do You Celebrate WIth?

 Who do you celebrate with?

I'm not talking about a major holiday like Christmas or Thanksgiving. Or about who you would invite to a birthday party.

Who do you celebrate the everyday moments where something needs to be celebrated with?

The completion of a major project.

The good news after a health scare.

The fact that you followed through on something you were nervous or scared about.

Who do you celebrate these moments with?

The celebration may not be something big here. They often aren't, and they happen unplanned.

My guess is that the people you celebrate these times with are those you live with - your spouse, your kids, maybe your parents. These are often the easiest people to celebrate with because it doesn't require any planning. It's easier for it to be spur of the moment.

But, there is a segment of our population who are left out when this is seen as the way to celebrate these moments. For those of us who are singles and live alone, there's no one to celebrate with at home. We need friends & family to be available to celebrate those moments with us.

To change that requires intentionality. As singles we need to be willing to call or text friends & share. And we need those friends & family to take the time. It may be only a few minutes that you have, but it matters. And for the bigger things to celebrate, taking time to plan something more matters.

It really comes down to communication being the key. If we're not expressing what's important to us to celebrate, we can't expect people to know that it matters to us.

Walking with Each Other Through the Hard Times

 Who do you turn to when your world is turned upside-down? Who do you phone? Who sits with you in it?

Do you have anyone?

I've been quiet here for a while because I haven't known what to write. I've been walking through a time of my world being turned upside-down. That has made it hard to find the words for anything.

It's made me think more about the questions I asked at the start of this post.

For me, in this situation, I had family and friends I could reach out to right away for support. My Mom, my sister, & my niece showed up while I was still on the phone with them. And friends were there in words as they replied to a text message because I wasn't sure I was up for explaining to them any other way at that time. Even beyond this, people in my church family have been there since.

This is a picture of what it should look like. We weren't made to live this life alone. We were made to live it in community with people. We need people we can call on when our world is turned upside-down. People who will show up - either physically or through words - and just be with you.

The truth of my situation is that my family and friends can't fix it - though my niece would like to try. I didn't need their advice or solutions at first. I just needed them to remind me I wasn't alone. Even now, their presence & care are most important. Many have just listened & asked the questions to help me see things I wasn't seeing on my own. It's not a solution I need; it's people to walk through the uncertainty with.

This is what we all need. So, I leave you with the questions I started with.

Who do you turn to when your world is turned upside-down? Who do you phone? Who sits with you in it & lets you know you're not alone?

Singles Ministries Cannot be Just About Getting Them Ready for Marriage

 I saw a post on Instagram recently that frustrated me. The post talked about how singles ministry should focus on getting singles healthy mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they would be ready for marriages that are healthy.

When I read the first part, I agreed wholeheartedly. But, I quickly became frustrated by the reason given for why. Likely unintentionally, the post's author said that marriage should be the end goal for someone who is single, and that the worth of a single person comes from them focusing on being ready for marriage.

This was frustrating to read, and hurtful as a single adult in the church.

Let me start with a few questions for you to think about:

What are the five most important things you would want someone to know about you?

What do they say about who you are?

What do they reveal about what you value?

If you're married, then likely that would be one of the things on your list, but it's not the only thing.

If you're single that fact may or may not be on your list - depending on your experiences with telling people that.

Too often in the church, we have adopted the mindset that singleness is a problem to be solved. Whether we realize it or not, the language we use reveals this. In doing so, we limit the identity of a single adult to one thing - in a way that we don't for those who are married.

Your list of five things you would want someone to know about you likely includes a variety of information about who and what you value - whether you're married or single. If someone decided that married was the only thing that mattered about you and that it was a problem to be solved, you'd likely feel confined, seen as less than, under-valued.

But, we do that all the time to singles when we see singleness as a temporary situation or a problem to be solved. This is where the Instagram post I saw got it wrong.

Singles ministries in churches should be about helping singles become healthier mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they can live the abundant life Jesus offers. 

As soon as the focus becomes getting singles ready for marriage, we miss out on what God says about single adults as people. We need to see people for all of who they are, not just one thing that is part of them.

Please Respect my Personal Space

 Everyone you meet has a different set of personal space boundaries and they're important. They often exist for a reason. It can be hard to know the nuances of what someone's personal space looks like - especially because they may change depending on who the person is with at the moment.

I've written before about how we need physical contact with safe people regularly to do well in life. But, how much and with who is a very personal matter. And we have to learn to allow space for it to be different.

When it comes to this, I think there are a few things we do often in church in trying to be welcoming, that actually make people feel uncomfortable instead.

The first is the need to touch someone when you're talking to them. Whether it's an extra long handshake or a hand on their shoulder, I've experienced it and seen it often. There may be times when this is appropriate or desired, but it can also easily serve to make the recipient feel uncomfortable. For a conversation in the lobby at church, this is probably not necessary most of the time. When praying for someone a hand on their shoulder could be a good thing, but, even then, we should be asking first.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the sometimes uninvited hugs. Being a "hugger" isn't an excuse to make some feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We need to be aware of other people's comfort with hugs and not force it on them.

Finally, the biggest thing is to not assume because someone was okay with it with one person, they automatically will be with you too. The level of relationship with a person can often have an impact on what someone is comfortable with. You may have just seen hug a family member or a close friend, so don't assume they'll hug you too if you don't fall into that category.

The biggest thing we can to do to help everyone feel comfortable is to respect someone's wishes. If they move away from you or prevent contact in some way, don't keep trying. If they ask you to stop, then stop. If they acknowledge you, but don't extend their hand in response to your offer of a handshake, don't keep following them around or put your hand on their shoulder.

One more thing I've seen, that probably bothers me more than any of the above. A kid should never have their personal space invaded or have your hand on them without their permission. We live in a world where teaching a kid that their body is theirs and no one gets to get too close to them without their permission is vital for their safety. We should be enforcing this at church, not disrespecting it.

I have stepped between my niece and people who were ignoring her discomfort. I will always do that for her with no questions asked, but I shouldn't have to at church. And for the record, she is always able to get right into my personal space without hesitation if she needs me. That doesn't apply to everyone else.

Don't Assume Things About What Works For Me

 In a conversation I was a part of recently there was an assumption made that caught me off guard. I was surprised because it was over something where I never would have thought being single made a difference.

And the more I've thought about it since then, the more I've come to the conclusion that my status as a single actually has no bearing on this particular thing. It isn't part of the equation here.

The fact that it was brought up at all is a reflection of how dangerous making assumptions is and of the ways we continue to misunderstand singles in some places.

Let me start with the specific situation this relates to. A group of us were having a conversation and somehow got on the optic of kitchen size. I made a comment about my kitchen being small, not having a lot of counter space. The response I received was that it was okay that my kitchen was small because I was single.

I was just so surprised at the time that I said nothing in response. But, as I've thought about it since, I've figured out how I would respond in the future to a similar comment.

Only from the perspective of the number of people being in space does my being single matter. There's rarely more than just me in my kitchen.

But, it stops there. Whether there's one person or three people in my kitchen, the fact is that you quickly run out of counter space when you're cooking. Cooking for one person doesn't mean I don't need space for a cutting board to chop veggies or meat, somewhere to put the dishes as I use them to prep, and all the other things that take up space when you cook. That still takes up the same amount of space.

That is just an example of a situation where an assumption was made based on my status as single. In the grand scheme of things, a fairly harmless one. I was left a little bothered, but it didn't impact my life in big ways.

But, it does highlight a danger that comes with making assumptions. It's easy to make assumptions based on our limited understanding of a situation, or the first thoughts that come to mind. But, we often either don't have all the information about something or we haven't walked through the implications of the our assumption when we make it. The can be incredibly hurtful to the person we make our assumption known to.

We have to learn to change this. We have to take the time to check our assumptions before we move forward with them. And that takes time and intentionality.

To go back to the conversation that referenced this:

I know for sure that with more people more space in the kitchen is required. I cook most major holiday meals in my Mom's kitchen, which is quite a bit bigger than mine. There's definitely space to have 2 or 3 of us in in.

And, the one time that Thanksgiving dinner had to be moved to my house, it truly was a challenge to make it there. Even though the change also meant fewer people for the meal, we had slow cookers on the floor because there was no where else to put them.

So, in that conversation where I said my kitchen was small, how could things have proceeded differently without assumptions being made?

Just acknowledging that my kitchen is small. Maybe a comment that they couldn't imagine trying to cook with someone else in it. The most important part being no reference to me being singles as making it okay.

Even beyond someone's marital or family status this applies. This is just the example I have to share.

Where do you tend to make assumptions?

How can you do a better job of checking them before you state a potentially hurtful assumption?

Seeing Single Adults in the Church

 Since I wrote my last post I've been thinking about how we can do a better job including everyone in something that seems like it should be simple. But, in reality, it's not that easy.

I received a message after my last post asking if what I wrote meant I was saying that singles should have been one of the days' prayer prompts. The answer is yes. That signals single adults, are see seen, valued, and supported.

As I say that, I can picture some of cringing; others a little confused. Cringing because you've experienced singles being mentioned in any way in the church negatively and you don't want that to happen again. Confused because you don't know how that would be done.

The concern is valued. As a church, we haven't always handled singleness well. In fact, we've done, usually unintentionally, some very hurtful things when it comes to single adults in the church. So, the thought of bringing it up this way is scary. It feels like a set up for hurt . . . again. I feel that, even as I write this.

But, we have to take the chance, because we can't continue to fail to even mention this growing segment of our churches. If we're going to learn to do this well, we have to start with learning to do it all. As we learn, we need to do it by including the voices of single adults. Invite them into the conversation and let them lead in helpful directions.

As we learn to see and intentionally include single adults, there are two extremes we must avoid. Both are part of the unhelpful ways single adults in the church have been seen when they are mentioned.

The first unhelpful thing to avoid is to make an assumption that have lots of "extra" time for things and should fill whatever "holes" exist in church ministries. I've heard more people than I could count tell me I should step up to fill a need for volunteers "because you're single and have more time"  - even if it's something where I know my involvement would not help the need. In every case, the words have been said by someone who has no idea what my life is filled with.

While I may have a bit more flexibility in when I do things, I don't somehow have more time. After work, I am the only one to handle all the household tasks, vehicle maintenance, grocery shopping. And I still have a family I love and help. Then, there's the ministry things I have said yes to that I know I should be doing. I'm not sitting at home every evening just wondering what I should do with my time.

The second thing we must avoid is disqualifying single adults from leading or serving in specific areas just because they're single. I haven't personally experienced this, but I know some how have. Obviously, someone who has never been married probably shouldn't be leading a marriage course, but most for everything else marital status shouldn't matter. It we're going to see and value the single adults in our churches, we can't use their marital status to disqualify them.

So, how do I wrap this up?

A few things to move us forward:

1. Start talking specifically about single adults in our churches. Invite single adults to be a part of how that is communicated.

2. Avoid making assumptions about the life of single adults. Take time to get to know them as people.

3. Learn how to journey together and learn from each other. We won't do this perfectly, but we have to start somewhere if things are going to change.

When You Feel Unseen

 Have you ever had an experience where you felt unseen? An experience where it seemed like you weren't noticed even though you were right there?

It's quite possible that we've all had those experiences. We've all had the experience of feeling invisible even though we were in the same space.

Sometimes this not noticing is intentional. Someone or a group are intentionally choosing to ignore us and leave us out. 

But, I would guess that a lot of the time, maybe even most of the time, it's completely unintentional. The other people weren't specifically choosing not to see you, and they would be genuinely chocked and sorry if it was pointed out to them.

Unfortunately, as a single adult in the church this seems to happen often. In the focus on supporting and strengthening marriages in a culture where marriage is under attack, single adults aren't often mentioned. And then they are, it's for single parents and those healing from divorce. That leaves a growing segment of the population in churches never mentioned or acknowledged. I don't believe this is intentional, but it is what's happening.

I was reminded of this just recently during a focused time of prayer in my church. Daily prayer prompts were sent out to all who wanted to participate. I watched the groups of people to pray for each day come to my inbox . . . kids, youth, seniors, college/university students, marriages.

After seeing all of those come, I waited to see if another would come that was for the segment of the church I fit into was going to come. But, it never did come. 

We moved on to praying for other things.

Every single prayer prompt that landed in my inbox was important. All of them were things I was happy to be reminded to pray for.

But, there was still a bit of a sting. I felt unseen in the prayer prompts. While not intentional, those prayer prompts, once again, pushed single adults to the sidelines. Unless you also fit into the categories of seniors or a college/university student, there was no mention of you.

I don't believe this was intentional. I've written before about the western evangelical church's under-developed theology of singleness (although I'm seeing more good resources written in the recent years) and I think this is a result of that. We've focused on marriage and the value placed on God's standards for marriage - which we've needed to - to the exclusion of other adult realities. Because of that, we don't know how to include single adults in our prayer prompts. In doing so, we've lost sight of a growing segment of those who make up our churches.

Maybe you're reading this, and it's something you'd never thought about before. Or maybe you're reading this and nodding along with what I've written, because you've been in this same space before.

How so we respond when we feel unseen? Whether for these reasons or others.

First, I think we have to start with reminding ourselves that we can't assume it's intentional. More than likely, it's a unintentional.

Second, don't shove down the sting of it. Allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge what's going on for you.

Finally, we need to speak up. We need to say something. Don't stay quiet. We need the healthy conversations that come from saying something.

Knowing People's Names Isn't Enough

 Have you ever been in a place where you knew the name of many people in the room and you still felt alone & disconnected?

Maybe you even knew a few facts about the people - their job, if they're married, if they have kids - but you still leave that event feeling like you didn't really connect with anyone?

It's likely you know exactly what I'm talking about. You probably have your own experiences of it. It's something common to many people.

This way of living and interacting has become the norm in our culture. But, it isn't how God has designed us to live. We feel lonely and disconnected because we're missing some of the things that are vitally important to having the community we were created for.

Knowing people's names and factual information about them is not enough. We have to go beyond those surface conversations with some people. That's what we were made for that we're missing.

In our appearance and image-obsessed culture, we've sacrificed being real. We're so focused on how we appear on social media and to the strangers we pass as we run our errands, that we don't share what's really going on.

Even the "struggles" we share in our attempts to "be real" in these environments are carefully chosen. We share carefully crafted words and things that are still planned to make others think well of us.

What we're actually longing for people where we don't have to think about what we share. 

We need people who will genuinely celebrate the good things in life with us. 

People we can laugh so hard with that we cry or snort and we don't care.

People who will sit and cry with us.

People we can ugly cry in the same space as without worrying what they think of us.

People who will sit with in whatever is going on without giving advice or trying to fix it.

People who will ask us the hard questions and tell us the hard truth when we need it.

We've sacrificed this for surface=level conversations where we maintain our image. And we're lonelier than ever because of it.

The only solution is to take the risk and invite people into this kind of community with us. To move beyond the surface-level conversations to deeper conversations.

The Problem of 90s Purity Culture

 If you grew up in church youth groups in the 90s, then the title of this post tells you a lot what I'm going to talk about today. But, for those of you who don't know, I'll start with a bit of a summary.

The 90s was when the "True Love Waits" movement. complete with signing pledge cards and purity rings was in full swing. While the message of what the Bible says about how we should love with our sexuality was well-intentioned, it was carried to an extreme that caused harm and hurt to a lot of those who grew up in it.

As part of trying to get teenagers to understand what happens when you go outside of God's plan for our sexuality, the example of pulling tape apart after you stuck it together was often use. While it is true that God has good reason for the way He instructs us to handle our sexuality in Scripture, and we can live with the consequences of our choices, that example was harmful. In many cases, it left those listening feeling like they were forever damaged and unforgivable for things they had done.

Even for those who didn't cross those lines, there was hard, although it may not have been as immediately visible until into our adult years. In all the purity culture teaching of the 90s, there was an implication that if you follow God's plan for your sexuality as a teenager, God would reward you with marriage in your early twenties and great sex in your marriage. Neither of which were a guarantee or a reality for many.

What this purity culture teaching did was create a generation of people who were brought up afraid of experiencing God's judgement. And forever wondering if you've been good enough in this area. We keep quiet about our struggles in this area out of shame and fear of judgement.

And, if we haven't stayed on the path we were taught in youth group, we struggle to believe we can be forgiven for it. We live in defeat, condemnation, and judgement of ourselves.

The only way to bring healing to the spiritual trauma in this area for many of us is to acknowledge the pain, bring it out of the secret places, and let it be witnessed. Exactly what I've written about in previous posts on the topic of spiritual trauma.

But bring this into the open isn't easy when the teaching is ingrained in you causes shame if you've stumbled or struggled in this area. There's shame and a stigma that carries over. Speaking up and sharing personally, if at all, often comes in mumbled admissions, faltering words. And how others respond can begin the healing journey or further the wounding.

Spiritual Bypassing

Today I'm talking about an example of spiritual trauma that we easily fall into. Often we don't even know we're doing this. But, we have to be aware of it, if we're going to move forward better in this.

Spiritual bypassing is probably something we've all done at times. Often not intentionally, but we've done it nonetheless. 

What is spiritual bypassing?

"Spiritual bypassing is a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual practices. It prevents people from acknowledging what they are feeling and distance them from both themselves and others." (verywellmind.com, Spiritual Bypassing as a Defense Mechanism)

Okay, definition aside, what does it look like? How do we define it practically?

When we engage in spiritual bypassing we take very real emotions and struggles people are having and cover them with spiritual words about trusting God and praying more. Rather than acknowledging the pain of someone, we bury it in spiritual language.

Here's what makes this so hard: Trusting God in our struggles is important. Prayer is an important way of walking through the hard times in life. We actually need those things.

So, what's the problem?

The problem comes when we use those things to deny or repress what's really going on. When they're used to stop people from really feeling the emotions and acknowledging what's going on.

"The denial of emotion using a similar strategy or repression and spiritual bypassing, especially when well-meaning, can leave a person feeling misunderstood and like their painful emotions need to go away for them to belong, to stay connected, and to be okay. We know well by now that emotions that go unfelt do not go away. They stay there, lingering, asking to be addressed by getting louder, which can only serve to reinforce the same pattern in some situations that come up, and again they repress and deny them." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 3: Shards of Glass)

Because it too often becomes normal to us, we easily get stuck in patterns of spiritual bypassing. We don't even realize we're doing it.

Let me share an example from my own experience to illustrate this.

I've written here before about living with an anxiety disorder. Sometimes you wouldn't know and other times it's a more obvious struggle. In times when it's more difficult where I've chosen to share this struggle with someone, I've had 1 Peter 5:7 or Philippians 4:6-7 quoted to me as the solution. Or I get told I should pray more. 

These are classic examples of spiritual bypassing. Not because those Scriptures aren't good to read, or prayer is unimportant. My struggle with anxiety in the moment is responded to  as if it's something I'm doing wrong spiritually and it is solved by Scripture and prayer. No acknowledgement of the struggle I'm dealing with in that moment.

So, what should be do instead?

Take time to listen to what someone is saying. Care about them in that moment. Invite honesty about the emotions they're really dealing with. Don't just look for the Bible verse or spiritual practice you can throw at them. Sit in the discomfort that comes in life at times with the other person.

It's More than You Think

 Maybe you're like I was when I first heard of spiritual trauma. Your mind automatically goes to the accounts of sexual abuse, of financial control, of other quite extreme and obvious examples.

But, what if I was to tell you that's often much more subtle? That it often occurs in ways that don't look like they have any issues on the surface?

". . . there are these gross injustices that happen in some spiritual contexts, but all about how some communities or faiths seem to take a clear preference for personality structures. There are the obviously overt traumas, and then there are these more subtle ways of preferencing people and making other people feel inferior." (Dr. Hillary McBride, Holy/Hurt Podcast, Episode 8: Unsettling Ourselves)

I think we miss the prevalence of spiritual trauma and the seriousness of the problem because we relegate it to the big, horrific events. And, in doing so, we don't realize how much it happens in much smaller ways that are repeated over and over again.

At the risk of over-simplifying it, let me ask you this: How many times have you been in a church group and there is an expectation of your spiritual maturity being shown by the way you participate in the discussion or pray out loud during prayer time?

This is often unspoken. But if you're quieter in a group, you feel it. The looks from others. The silence once everyone else ahs spoken while everyone waits for you to finally pray.

The outcome of this experience for the individual depends on the supports and safe places a person has. If there are people who respect and understand the individual, then those group experiences may be little more than temporary uncomfortable moments. 

But, if they happen often enough or they're the only experiences we have, they have a much bigger impact and could become a form of spiritual trauma.

If those are things that can become spiritual trauma for someone, then it's more prevalent than we may think at first. And it means, it's even more important that we work to understand it.

What I Spent my Summer Studying

 Over the next while, I'm going to be taking things on here in a bit of a different direction than I've gone before. I spent the summer working to better understand what spiritual trauma is and how it impacts people. The next little bit of posts (I don't know how many yet) will be mu wrestling with and thoughts from what I've read and heard.

Before, I get too far into this topic, a few words about what is coming feel necessary. This isn't a light topic or something easy to read about or grasp. It's hard and it's heartbreaking. You can't dig in the topic of spiritual trauma without reading and hearing about immense pain, wounding, and heartbreak in people's lives.

I'm far from an expert on the topic. I have a business degree, not a counselling or psychology degree. The more I've dug into this over the summer, the less I've felt like I will ever really know or understand. While there's lots to be learned as fact, the reality is that this is about people's stories and experiences. And that means there's always nuance and layers to it. There's also different degrees of how it will be experienced by different people - what's a big deal to one person may not be a big deal to another person.

The first thing I realized as I dug into this is that it's far more prevalent than I thought. Because of the varying degrees of what is experienced and how different people respond to things, we can't say certain things are or aren't spiritual trauma. We also may not realize that the person sitting next to us in church is dealing with it. It often goes unmentioned, even unnoticed by people.

It's also quite possible that we've been on both side of the equation with this - especially if we've been in the church for a long time. We've experienced things that could fall within or close to the label of spiritual trauma. And, maybe even harder to face, we've possibly also been a part of it for someone else, often unintentionally.

So, with that, this is my invitation to join me on a journey. It will be wandering and hard sometimes, but I also believe hopeful. When we face the painful realities of what has happened to us, and around us, healing can begin.

As I write this, I'm also realizing I've very indebted to the Holy/Hurt podcast by Dr. Hillary McBride. It was one of the most accessible and real discussion I found on this topic.

Creating a Community that Includes All

 As we begin a new year of Bible studies, small groups, classes, and other plans in our churches, I've been thinking a lot about how we create a community where everyone feels welcome and included. Where marital status and life circumstances don't define the only places where you belong and where you don't.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have singles' groups, divorce groups, men's & women's groups, marriage groups at all. Those are important and have a place.

But they can't be all we offer.

We need more where all the people who are part of these different groups are also living life together.

We like to talk about being the family of God, but sometimes I think we forget what that means.

If you look at an extended family, it typically includes a variety of people. Some married, some single, some kids, some without kids. But, that doesn't stop the people in that family from coming together.

If we are the family of God, then we should have all different people - of varying ages, genders, and marital statuses - mingling together. Leaning how to live life together. Learning from each other and with each other.

But, we don't always do this well. Obviously, we're naturally drawn to people whose lives look similar to ours. When lives look similar, we have easy things to connect on. It can come much easier than connecting with someone whose life looks different.

When we only connect with the people it's easy to connect with, we miss out on a richness of friendships that comes if we go beyond the obvious connections with people. We have to choose to take the time and make the space to build relationships that take work. This is the opposite of our instant society, but it's worth it.

So, all of our ministries cannot be segregated by marital status, or age, or gender. We can help these rich relationships form and make everyone feel welcome by not always labelling our small groups or activities with a marital status, gender, or age. And those who lead need to welcome and include all who come through the door.

It's that simple and that hard all at the same time.