Growing Through Challenge or Yearning for "Normal"

 "I'm just waiting for things to go back to normal."

"Can we ever go back to normal."

"I wish things were normal again."

You've probably though, or even said, those words or something like them in the last five months. You're probably heard them from other many times.

We're living in a world that's been turned upside-down by something we can't even see. Our normal has been taken away. Everything feels strange.

And we're struggling with that.

I know I am. All I want to do is go to a gathering with friends and give them all long hugs. And, for someone who doesn't usually often struggles in large group gatherings and doesn't just hug everyone, that says a lot. If I'm feeling this way, I know lots of others are too.

We just want normal back.

We talk about a new normal. About what it might look like. What it might mean. How we can manage.

But it's not what we really want.

When you get beneath it all, we're longing for normal. For how things used to be.

Before I go on, let me be clear on one thing: I'm not here to debate whether we have a new normal. I'm not going to debate the choices made or not made. While our current reality has prompted some of the thoughts in this post, I'm not writing about opinions on it. You can agree or disagree, but this is not the place to debate that. I will delete all comments along those lines without notice or comment from me.

Whatever happens, there is one thing we know, this has changed and will continue to change us all. Just as any difficult time will do. When we walk through something hard, we will come out of it different than we were when we entered in.

I've been reading Beth Moore's newest book Chasing Vines and working on the study that goes with it. A couple days ago, I read a chapter that challenged me on how hard times change us. In the book, Beth writes:

"When we're going through a difficult season, wouldn't the best news of all be that life would simply go back to normal someday? When the framework of our daily existence gets completely dismantled and the landscape around us grows increasingly unreliable, our strongest longing is seldom prosperity. What we yearn for is normalcy. We don't tend to ask for the moon when we've lost all we've known. We just want some semblance of our old lives back.

The hard truth is, there's no real going back. But once we get up again, there can be a going forward. In His faithfulness, God sees to it what we thought was the end isn't the end at all. And eventually, perhaps not terribly long after, we realize we transitioned into a new normal."

We can't go back to what was normal before because what we've walked through has changed us. We're not the same person, so even the same things will be different because we've changed.

The danger for us comes when we become so focused on getting back to "normal" we miss God's new in our lives. When we do this, we stop producing any fruit for God's kingdom in our lives.

A little later in the same chapter, Beth writes:

"But in time, finding fruitfulness again will make more difference than you can imagine. If we can't have our treasured yesterday back, at least tomorrow can matter. The wonder of fruit bearing is that something meaningful can come from the meanest of seasons. What we endured matters."

If we allow God to work through our hard times, He will produce something beautiful in our lives. That is always His plan. But, we can't hold onto and keep looking for what once was.

So, how do we do this? How do we move through hard seasons and allow God to bring something beautiful out of them?

In the Bible study that goes along with the book, Beth writes:

"It is human nature to focus on what has changed in our lives and to long for what we once had. But when we're faced with the pain and anxiety of loss and change, perhaps we should fix our minds on what remains the same in our lives. God is constant even when our circumstances are not."

We get through and begin to live the new life God has for us by fixing our eyes on Him. He doesn't change no matter our circumstances.

So, where are your eyes fixed right now?

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:18

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." - Hebrews 12:1-2

Singleness is Not a Season

In conversation, we often seem to imply, if not directly say, that singleness is a season in life. The belief comes from the common thinking and even assumption in the church that everyone will eventually get married.

But I think we're on dangerous ground when we operate on that assumption. We can't claim we know for sure that God will allow all of us to get married one day. And when we operate on the assumption that everyone will get married on day, we say hurtful things to those in our churches whoa re single and desire very much to be married.

So, why do we so often treat singleness as just a season in someone's life? Why are we so anxious to try to usher them into what we mistakenly believe is the next season of life for everyone?

I think a large part of it is because it's what we've been taught. It's what we have been told is the logical and normal progression in life, so, we naturally look for ways to move people along in that.

But, I think that hides the deeper reason why we want to see singleness as a season and why we treat it that way. In her book "The Significance of Singleness", Christina S. Hitchcock talks about this deeper reason:

"American evangelicals are afraid of being single because we are afraid of what it means theologically: that God might not give us everything we want when we want it, that we are not in control of our futures, that the American dream and the gospel are not one and the same." (pg. 93)
[You could easily subsitute Canadian  in both places where Hitchcock says American and it would be equally true.]

What is so hard about this one, is that we're probably not even aware of this and how it affects our thinking about this. But, I knew as soon as I read that, I had dealt with it in my life. Even as a single person, I still had the struggle with what my singleness means theologically.

If we're going to change our thinking here, we're going to have to start with being aware of why we think the way we do. But, we can't stop with just knowing what we're thinking. We need to know why it's a problem.

Why is believing singleness is only a season a problem?

Joy Beth Smith puts it this way:

"The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here to be something to be endured, not celebrated. . . . Singleness is not a season with a guaranteed end in this life. And we can't spend our days trying to wait it out, constantly looking for what we hope is coming next." ("Party of One", pg. 19)

Whatever our life looks like, we miss out on so much of what God wants to do in and through us if we're constantly searching for the next thing. We miss the people God wants us to meet, the experiences He has for us, the things He wants to use us for. All we see is what we feel like we're missing. Eventually we lose hope that what we're hoping for will happen and we give up. We just try to endure our current circumstances.

Our assumption and belief that singleness is just a season has us standing on some faulty ground. It assumes that marriage is always God's plan for everyone. And it causes unnecessary pain for those in our midst who are single despite still having a strong desire to be married.

How do we Actually See Singleness in the Church?

As I was standing in my local Christian bookstore recently, I was struck by what I saw on the shelf. When I scanned my eyes across the shelves looking at the names of the sections for books. I was struck by the space was divided.

There was a startling contrast in the amount of space give to different topics. Some of the sections were quite large and general to most people who would be looking for a book - Christian living, devotionals, various types of fiction, etc. But that wasn't the part that caught my eye.

As I continued to look at the shelves, I saw sections labelled men's issue, women's issues, parenting, marriage, singles, and possibly a few others I've forgotten. Some had much space on the shelves, some had little. The section on marriage had more than a shelf, while the section for singles had only a few books - the label took up more space than the books. Half the books in that section were actually on dating and preparing for marriage while you're single. A closer look at the section on women's issues revealed that at least two-thirds of the books there were on being a wife or a mother.

That disparity struck me as picture of how it can feel to be a single person in the church. There are times when there is so much focus on marriage and being a good spouse and/or parent, that if you're single and have no kids, it can be easy to feel left out.

Before you say my example from the Christian bookstore is not a great picture because that's just what has been written, but let me tell you that is simply not true. A look at what I have on my bookshelf at home would tell you that. But, I've had to look long and hard for those books that aren't about dating or preparing for marriage. Often purchasing them with little more information about them than the title and the topic. And they're mostly good books, that need to be better available to the entire church - whether single or married.

When I look around at who is gathered at the service I attend at my church on any given weekend, I see a much larger number of single adults past college-age than I think many people realize. Some are single by choice, while others would rather be married and have families of their own. Some have been married and aren't anymore, while others have never been married.

Yes, we live in a society where marriage and family are under attack and we absolutely need to support marriages and families in our churches. We should want them to thrive. We should be providing resources and support there.

But, I also think the way we approach singleness needs to be changed. There is a problem when the only time we talk about singleness is in regards to preparing for marriage.At this point in my life, although I still very much desire to be married, I want to live a full and God-honouring life while I'm single. I can't just focus all my time on preparing for a marriage that may or may not happen for me.

God doesn't promise any of us marriage in Scripture. But when everything (or, at least most things) we offer for singles is about preparing for marriage, it implies that we believe everyone will get married one day. This is harmful for individuals and the church as a whole.

As I've tried to figure out how to end this post and sum up what I've been trying to say, I've been drawn back to a book on this topic I just finished reading. As with most books I read, there are parts of this book I agree with and parts I don't. But, when it comes to the topic of this post, I feel like the author sum it up well.

The book is called Party of One: Truth. Longing, and the Subtle Art of Singleness by Joy Beth Smith.

"The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here to something to be endured, not celebrate. . . . singleness is not a season with a guaranteed end in this life. And we can't spend our days trying to wait it out, constantly looking for what we have next."

"Only in acknowledging the value of each unique path that God is mapping out, can we come to understand what it means to embrace life and live it well."

If singleness isn't just a season or a place to prepare for what we generally see as coming next, then our thinking has to change. We have to learn to celebrate life wherever we're at - and value this in the church.

What should Waiting for God look Like?

     "In the morning, Lord, You hear my voice;
          in the morning I lay my requests before You
          and wait expectantly."
                                                -Psalm 5:3

When I read this verse recently I was struck by two words put together that I don't know if we put together often enough:

WAIT EXPECTANTLY

The psalmist is talking about waiting for God's answer to requests brought before Him in prayer.

But, it doesn't strike me as waiting in the way we often think of waiting. Waiting for God often seem to mean praying about something and then doing nothing until we hear an answer. We get so afraid of not hearing the answer that we just sit there.

Sometimes that may be the kind of waiting we have to do, the kind of waiting God asks for that time. But, I think far too often we engage in this passive type of waiting, rather than waiting expectantly. And in doing so, we actually miss God's answer and all that He wants to teach us in the waiting.

So, what does it look like to wait expectantly for God's answer?

Think about what waiting for guest to arrive looks like, or waiting for an event. Unless we've finished all the preparations we're not sitting around doing nothing. We're doing the things we need to do to be prepared.

How strange would it be if we had invited someone over and we sat, waiting until they arrived to do any of the preparations? Instead of being ready when they arrived, we began running around getting everything ready once they arrive? I think we can all agree this doesn't seem logical. Except, we do exactly that all the time.

But, what would happen if we prepared for God's answer to our prayers, rather than sitting around doing nothing? What would it look like if in our waiting expectantly, we did what we already knew to do in the situation? Even just continuing to walk forward, seeking God, and doing all He has already given us to do. To make sure we're in the position where we can hear the answer God has to our request and learn what He has for us to learn in the waiting.

Don't Race Ahead

What would it have been like for Jesus' disciples to through the Passover meal, His arrest and crucifixion?

We approach it knowing the end and I wonder if we sometimes miss some of what they must have felt. Some of their confusion and the pain and shock of it all. We miss it because we want to hurry past what's uncomfortable for us.

Looking back, it's easy to see how it all fits together. History allows us to see the whole picture. But, the disciples didn't have that advantage. They had prophecy of the coming Messiah, but they didn't understand how it was all going to work.

Some of Jesus' words would have been shocking to hear in those moments . . .
          . . . one of them would betray Him.
          . . . Peter would deny knowing Him three times.
Yes, we can see that these things did happen.

Some of Jesus' words would have been confusing . . .
          . . . breaking the bread and telling them to eat it because it was His body.
          . . . talking about His blood being poured out for many.
We see the symbolism in this and have Paul's explanations to help us understand.

And what of the pain and sorrow of seeing Jesus beaten and crucified. Their friend. Their teacher. The One for Whom they had given up everything to follow for the last three years.
          Beaten.
               Crucified.
                     Dead.
                          Buried in a borrowed tomb.

But, I also wonder if their excitement at Jesus' resurrection wasn't somehow more because of it all. If their joy wasn't deeper because they experienced the depths of the sorrow and pain they did. If there was something important borne in them out of sitting in that in-between time.

Because we know the end of the story - we know what's coming - I wonder if we too easily race ahead to the resurrection. We want to get to the hope and the joy, so we hurry past Good Friday and the uncomfortableness of it all. But, in doing so, I think we miss out on the depths of the joy of the resurrection.

We call if Good Friday for a reason. Maybe we need to stop and being willing to sit where it's sometimes uncomfortable, because in the middle of that pain and sorrow God was doing the most amazing thing in all of history. And when we really stop to remember the cost, we celebrate the victory of the resurrection in a way we never could have otherwise.

Impatience with the Waiting

"So isn't there something here that should tell us that while hoping for the miracle, while praying for the miracle, maybe we should view God's silence not as punishment but as preparation? May be we should stop cursing the waiting and start thanking God for it? May be should trust that His timing and His way is perfect, and that He's only asking us to wait because He loves us too much to bring us something we're not yet ready for? . . .
Long we wait for the promise. But we don not wait alone. He is here, in the waiting, in the praying, in the weeping, in the hoping, in the doubting, in the trusting, in the wishing . . . HE IS HERE."
(Mandy Hale, The Single Woman)


I read the above quote as part of a blog on advent, waiting, and singleness. The Single Woman is one of my favourite blogs to read on life as a single Christian woman. Honesty about the good and hard realities of life, encouragement and hope in the midst of it all. The post this quote is from was no exception and left me with much to ponder.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, many events around the holidays can present a challenge for singles. A season where the reminder of being single and what we long for and are waiting for seems to be much more noticeable. Then I came across this post that reminded me once again, that in a time of year I love because of what we are celebrating, it's okay of I struggle with the waiting sometimes. The important thing is what I do in the waiting.

Do I put my trust in God?

Or do I get impatient and go looking for my own solution to fill that longing?

When Jesus came to earth as a baby, the Israelites has been waiting for the promised Messiah for generations. They had waited while God had been completely silent for the last 400 years.

In those years of waiting, they had come to their own conclusions and ideas of what it would look like for the promised Messiah to come. Instead of waiting with God for what He promised in His timing, they began to look for what they wanted - what they thought they needed. And then, they missed God's promise fulfilled.

When I reflect on this, I see how easy it could be for me to do the same thing in my life. Instead of taking my desire for marriage to God in prayer and trusting that God has things in control, I could get impatient with the waiting and try to make it happen all on my own. Or I can trust God in the waiting that He is preparing me for His plan - which may or may not look like mine.

It's a choice we all have in any area where we feel like we're waiting. We always get to choose how we will wait. Will we trust God? Will we remember that He is there in the waiting? Or will we do our own thing and miss what God has for us because of it?

Five Minute Friday: Turn

Joining in with the group over at Five Minute Friday this week. This week's prompt is "turn."

When do I get a turn? Why do I have to wait for my turn? Do we always have to wait for our turn?

We don't wait well for our turn. We get impatient when we're waiting. It doesn't come naturally to us to wait for our turn. 

Yet we often find ourselves having to wait until it is our turn for things. We're standing in line waiting for our turn. Or maybe we've heard something from God about what is coming in our future, but we still have to wait for our turn for it to happen, because someone else is in that role right now.

Maybe we often need to wait our turn because God has something He wants to teach us in the waiting. Instead of getting impatient while we wait for our turn, maybe we need to learn to look for what God is teaching while we wait.

Why we Need to Learn to Wait

     "In the morning, Lord, Your hear my voice;
               in the morning I lay my requests before You
               and wait expectantly."
                                       (Psalm 5:3)


We're good at bringing our requests to God. We're good at asking God for what we need or want. But we're not usually very good at waiting. Unlike the psalmist in Psalm 5:3, we want God to answer our prayers right away.

We don't wait well.

We look for the shortest line in the grocery store or at the gas pump because we don't want to wait anymore than we have to. We weave in and out of traffic because we don't want to wait to get to our destination. We put the phone on speaker and frantically try to get other things done while we're on hold because we don't want to wait and fee unproductive.

When we pray and have to wait for God's answer or wait to do something because He said to, we don't do that very well either. We get impatient with the wait.. We try to find some way to make it happen according to our timetable.

In all our impatience with waiting, I think we miss something important. When God tells us to wait, it's because He something in mind for us that we might not be able to see or understand yet.

The psalmist in Psalm 5:3 talks about waiting expectantly for God's answer to his requests. Waiting expectantly has a ring of being something active. It doesn't speak to the passivity we usually associate with waiting.

Waiting expectantly for God's answer speaks of looking for His answer. Our eyes are open. We're watching for what is going on - to see when God is at work and what He is doing.

It's not sitting back, doing nothing. It's actively looking for where God already is and doing what we already know we should be doing. Then, when the answer we've been waiting for from God comes, we're ready to do whatever the answer requires us to do.

That changes things for me. It's doesn't make me look forward to waiting, but it does make me dread the wait a bit less.

What are you currently waiting for God to answer?

How can you begin to wait expectantly?

Where do you already see God at work - even while you're waiting?

Impatient with God's Timing

I was reminded this week of how easily I get impatient with God's timing for things. I want things to happen when I want them to. I don't wait very patiently when they don't.

I definitely notice that when it comes to people and things I'm praying for in their lives that are God's will. Yet, I keep praying and nothing seems to be happening. Day after day, week after week, sometimes month after month and year after year, and my prayers don't seem to be changing anything.

And I get impatient. I get frustrated. I want to give up on praying for what I'm praying for to happen.

It seems like I get to the point where I'm ready to give up is the moment when I finally see God at work - in the way I expected and was praying for, or in a way I never would have imagined when I started praying. The signs that what I've been praying for is finally starting to happen.

Then I'm confessing my impatience to God. Asking for His forgiveness for my lack of trust in His timing.

I go back to praying for things with a renewed commitment and belief that God is at work. At least until the next time I get impatient with waiting for God's timing. Hopefully, each time I get a little less impatient in the waiting.

It's a cycle I've repeated many times in my walk with God. And every time, when I see what God had planned to do, I wonder why I got impatient again.

We wish God operated according to our timetable. We want Him to do it when we want Him to. But God asks us to trust Him with the outcome and to wait for His plan to happen according to His will.

I think this is a lesson, I might spend my entire life learning. My human thoughts and wishes get in the way often. But, I hope that over time, I learn to wait better for God's timing and not get so impatient with the wait.

How do you do at waiting for God's timing? Do you get impatient when things don't happen when you want? Are you learning to wait better for God's perfect timing for things?

Living Well in the Waiting

The writers of Scripture talk often about waiting on God. And in Christian circles you will often hear people say they are waiting on God.

The truth is we spend a lot of our lives waiting on things and we don't do it well. In fact, we often wait very poorly - whether it's in an office for an appointment or in line at a store or in traffic on a busy road.

And that can translate into how we wait for God as well. We don't do waiting on God well despite how much we talk about doing exactly that. Sometimes we get impatient and we decide to just do things ourselves our way. Or we get complacent and we do nothing while we wait.

Neither of these are what Scripture means when it talks about waiting. Often Scripture puts the idea of waiting with expecting and answer from God or expecting God to do something. And it definitely doesn't say that waiting is a time to sit back and do nothing.

So, what should waiting look like then? How are we supposed to wait?

When we're waiting on God for His timing for something there are three things that we should be doing.

1) God doesn't always give us the whole picture at once. We need to be doing what we already know to do while we wait for more from God.

2) Waiting well also requires us to trust God. We have to trust that God has the answer and that He has a plan. We have to trust that God will come through.

3) Finally, waiting well requires that we listen. We have to actually be listening for when God speaks. If we're not listening for His voice all our waiting may be in vain because we'll miss when God comes with His answer that we've been waiting for.


How are you doing at waiting?

What does waiting usually look like for you?

Are you currently waiting on God for something?

Are you doing what you already know to do while you're waiting?

Are you trusting God?

Are you listening carefully so you hear God when He tells you what you're waiting for and brings an end to your waiting?

Wait Expectantly

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;

in the morning I lay my requests before you

and wait expectantly.

-Psalm 5:3

 

When I read this verse a couple of days ago, one question immediately came to mind. And has stayed with me since.

 

What does it mean to wait expectantly?

 

I mean that doesn't sound like what I normally think of when I think of waiting for something. Waiting is usually thought of as something passive. Something that requires nothing of us. We just sit there and do nothing until we get the answer we're waiting for.

 

But that doesn't seem to be the kind of waiting the psalmist is speaking of here. Waiting expectantly for something says more than we're just sitting around doing nothing.

 

Waiting expectantly speaks of being ready. We have to be ready to act on whatever the answer is when it comes. To be ready to do this, we have to be doing something.

 

The psalmist here was saying the he was waiting expectantly for God's answer to his prayers. The psalmist laid his requests before God, and then he waited for God to answer. But this answer was something he was ready for. When the answer came, the psalmist was ready.

 

So, what does it look like to wait expectantly in our lives?

 

It looks like taking our requests and our questions before God. And then waiting for His answer. But not waiting by just sitting there. Waiting that looks like doing what we already know to do as we listen for God's voice.

 

It's not about running ahead trying to make what we want happen. That defeats the waiting part of it.

 

But it's not about sitting around and doing nothing either. That defeats the expectant part of it.

 

Waiting expectantly is doing what we already know God has told us to do - even if that's just following Him in everyday life - while we listen for God to provide an answer to our request that brought before Him.

 

I don't always do this waiting expectantly thing well. But, it's something I want to learn to do better.

 

How are you doing at waiting expectantly?

 

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;

in the morning I lay my requests before you

and wait expectantly.

-Psalm 5:3