Grief & Anniversaries

 I've been thinking about how we handle grief in our society a lot recently. 

Or, as I sometimes wonder . . . how we misunderstand & mishandle grief.

It's been a topic coming up a lot as I approach an anniversary I never expected to have. It's just a couple days away from one year since I lost my job.

I hadn't thought much about it until a about month ago. I noticed that as I looked at the calendar for May I had no desire to plan anything. Even getting organized for things I usually look forward to just didn't motivate me to do anything.

It wasn't until I actually really looked at the date on the calendar in the middle of May that I realized what was going on. Even though I wasn't conscious of it at first, my body was remembering the events of a year ago.

Even after I realized this, I was still confused about why I was responding like this. After going back to some of the resources that helped me at the time & asking my counsellor, I started to see how my surprise & confusion over all of this stems from our misunderstanding & mishandling of grief.

We tend to associate grief with the death of someone we loved. And that's a time where grief is accepted & expected. We make space for it. And we should. We all for the anniversary of it to be hard again.

But, as I've written before, that's far from the only time we experience grief. It comes any time we a experience a loss - no matter how big or small. And we need to make space for all that comes with that - when it happens & when anniversaries & reminders occur that bring up the feeling again.

For me, that's meant acknowledging that it's hard to be motivated to do much right now. Giving myself grace for just sitting at home sometimes. But, also still getting out with people & doing things.

And letting people in my life know what's going on.

As I've shared this, I was reminded of how we don't handle this well. Many people seemed to be genuinely surprised that I would be struggling right now. Because I'm generally okay these days & don't talk about it much, it sometimes felt like people expected it to not affect me anymore.

I don't fault them for it. That's what we've been taught in our society. Grief happens when something happens & then it's done.

But, I've learned through this experience & the loss of my Grandma a few years ago, that grief comes in cycles. And, just because the feelings of sadness or anger over the loss come up again doesn't necessarily mean there's more to process or work through. 

It's all part of a journey that isn't linear. We don't move through the "stages of grief" in an order or a set timeframe. And there are things that will remind us of the loss & we'll feel it again for a bit.

What we actually need to do is learn to allow ourselves to feel the feelings. To acknowledge it. To not run from it.

We move through it. And, often, we just need to feel it - not try to solve it.

The Important Places & Stories in Our Lives

 Do you have a place that's filled with memories of good times from growing up? A place that maybe still feels like home when you go there?

I recently went back to one of those places for me. A place that has changed a lot in so many ways, yet, still feels like the same place every time I drive onto the property.

The camp I grew up going to & worked at for a few months recently celebrated 50 years of camp. They invited people - past & present - to come spend the day at the camp to celebrate.

From the moment I turned down the dirt road to the camp I was filled with memories.

Driving past the house by the gate where the camp director lived when I spent my summers in this place. The memories of conversations on the porch swing with his wife as I navigated summers as staff & the rest of life in between those summers. The wisdom & encouragement shared while sitting there.

The archery range was next. The first place I learned to teach something. Many hours spent there with kids of all ages teaching a skill we may never have learned anywhere else. (And the place where I got my first & only wasp sting, while I was there with a half dozen 8-10 year olds I was responsible for, so I had to stay until I could get someone else there.)

The Point

The lodge - where so much has changed over the years. But, it's still the place of many meals & chapel services. Good food, conversations over food, worshipping God.

Walking to the point - the place where we would have campfire every night of camp. Singing silly camp songs & worship songs. Hearing messages from the speaker for the week. Time to share the story of what God has done in the week of camp. It feels like holy ground when I approach it. There's something truly special about this place.

Walking along the path by the lake, the beach, climbing the hill back to the lodge. All so familiar & filled with memories. Doing things I never would have thought I would have been able to. Growing & learning in so many ways.

Even more memories in the people I saw & reconnected with. Whether we're still in touch or not, there's a connection when we gather again. And realizing that I made a few long term friends in my years here.

I was reminded of the importance of places when I was back at camp. But, even more of the importance of remembering & sharing the stories of what God has done.

The Beach

The day was filled with stories of how God worked to provide for the camp for 50 years. From the little things that made all the difference, to the bigger, more noticeable things.

I was also reminded of the ways God worked in my life when I was there. Many of the important spiritual decisions in the first 25 years of my life were made somewhere on that camp property. It's each to forget that in the midst of every day life, but it's important we don't. 

We need to remember & share the stories. That's how we stay faithful in the hard times & hold on when we can't see ahead.

The Power of Sharing Our Stories

 "The only story God can't use is the one that isn't shared."

Someone I know from church said this recently in a conversation. It stuck with me.

I tend to be someone who like the academic side of things. I can study or think about things & come to a conclusion. But, in doing so, I often keep it just in my head.

In the course of the conversation where these words were said, I had been reminded of the importance of sharing our stories with each other. It's our stories that move things from facts we know in our heads, to things we know from experience.

Stories also play a role in helping us to see what God has done. In the moment, we may not realize it. But, when we look back to tell the story to someone else or to write it down for ourselves, we see how God was at work. We need these to remind us we can keep going the next time we're going through something challenging. 

Our stories of God's faithfulness or the stories of others can help us to hold on & keep trusting God.

What's Your Perspective?

 What is the lens you're looking at things through?

What is colouring the way you see things right now?

What's your persepctive?

A few days ago, I played what could arguably be the worst golf game I've played since I was just learning the game. And it seemed to keep getting worse the more holes I played.

I could blame the terrible round on many things. It was my first game of the season. I haven't gotten to play much in the last few years. The weather was crazy and undecided - sun, then rain, then sun, then rain again. The wind was making the ball go places that weren't planned.

And all of those things probably played a role in how bad it was. But, they weren't the most important thing impacting my game that day.

A few years ago, I inherited my Grandma's golf clubs. She wasn't able to play anymore and I was in need of new clubs, but couldn't afford them. So, since my swing is very similar to my Grandma's (if you golf, you know this is important), she gave me her relatively new clubs to use.

After a particularly bad shot, I was returning my club to my bag, when I heard my Grandma's familiar words in my head. It was something she reminded me of often in all the hours I spent on the golf course with her and my Grandpa as a teenager.

I was getting frustrated and thinking only about how my golf game was awful. How I couldn't swing a golf club correctly anymore. How it was never going to get better.

As I looked at the clubs my Grandma used, I heard the reminder: "It's just one bad shot. When you get to the ball, it's a new opportunity again. No matter how bad the shot was. You have another chance. Start fresh."

The way I was thinking on the golf course that day wasn't helping my game. I didn't see anything getting better. And I was actually making things worse. My thinking kept me going down a path that would make my game keep getting worse.

If there was going to be a chance of things improving, I needed to approach each shot as a new opportunity, rather than keep getting frustrated. I had to change my perspective. 

Doing so, didn't make my game improve immensely, but something did shift. Things didn't keep getting worse and I even managed to hit a few good shots in the remaining holes.

Our perspective matters. We need to be aware of what is impacting how we see. It matters. And not just on the golf course. It matters in all of life.

What is the lens you're looking at things through?

What is colouring the way you see things right now?

What's your perspective?

Where does it need changing?

What can you do to change it?

An Important Decision for Me

One of the most important decisions I've made happened sitting in my bedroom in the house I grew up shortly before my 20th birthday.

Maybe that sounds a little dramatic . . . One of the most important decisions??? Really?

When I think about it, I don't see those words as being dramatic. I can't think of any other way I would put it. The decision I made at that time was and still is one of the most important I've made.

What was that decision?

The decision to go to Briercrest.

I was getting close to the end of my second year at business studies at a local college. For the most part things seemed to be going pretty well in my life . . . at least to anyone who saw me. I was in my classes. I was at church most weeks. I was involved with the young adults group at my church.

But, on the inside I was wrestling with a lot of questions and the answers from people at school were beginning to sound more appealing than what I'd heard in church all my life. That last semester had not been going as well as I was trying to make it look, and I had made some choices that I desperately wanted to hide from anyone who knew me.

I knew I needed a change. I was starting down a path I wasn't really sure I wanted to continue on, and I wasn't sure how I would change it if I stayed in the same place as I was. That's where Briercrest was appealing. I could go there and still finish my business degree.

And that's the decision I made that night. I started the application process.

And 5 months later, I was pulling into the parking lot of a school in what seemed like the middle-of-nowhere in Saskatchewan. I really had no idea what to expect from any of that year, or the second year that I spent there.

But, looking back, and seeing the way that decision has shaped who I am and how I live my life, it is still one of the most important I've ever made. I learned more about the Bible, theology, and God there than I've learned in 35 years of being in church. I made friends who are still important in my life today. I grew spiritually in ways I couldn't have imagined. And I had more fun living in community with people than I have in any other environment.

It's been a little more than 15 years since I graduated. Everything about that time has been a part of making me who I am today - of shaping how I do my job and how I serve in my church. I don't regret one minute about the time I spent there, or the money I spent to be there.

Obviously, there are decisions you could say are more important than this one. There are, I don't deny that. But, I also know that, as a part of making me who I am today, it was incredibly important. I can't say where I'd be if I had stayed where I was and finished my business degree at the local college. I still could have ended up where I am today, but the path would have looked different. I'm grateful for the way mine went and wouldn't have changed it for anything.

This is what I do know . . . if you ask me if you should go to Briercrest or another Bible college, I won't hesitate to say yes. I'll even go so far as to say that everyone should go if it's at all possible.

Changing How we See Other People

What are the stories that influence how you see other people and their situations?
What are the narratives that your opinions are based on?
Are you even aware of what these are?
Are you willing to discover what they are?
Are you willing to allow them to be changed, even if it's uncomfortable to do so?

These are some tough questions I've been wrestling with lately. They're not questions with quick or easy answers.

One of the speakers at the Global Leadership Summit this year spoke about this topic and started me thinking this way. He was talking about how we have to be willing to get uncomfortable by getting close to those who are suffering to lead well. We can't effectively lead, or care for people, if we keep distance between us.

These words were coming from someone who was living what he was talking about. He willingly chooses to get until some uncomfortable situations to help those in need. He knows the challenges of doing this.

Most of us, have at least some places where the narrative we tell ourselves that informs our actions is in need of changing. Maybe we've inherited is from others in our lives. Or society, or a segment of society, tells us that's the way it is. Or we've had experiences ourselves that wrote it that way.

Are we willing to have those narratives challenged by choosing to engage with people we normally wouldn't? Are we willing to get close to those who are suffering and those we tend to look down on or see as different than us, and really hear their stories and let them challenge the narrative we're been telling ourselves about "those" people?

The more I'm challenged on this is my own life, the more I'm realizing that this is what Jesus was all about when He walked this earth. Three of the gospel accounts record Jesus telling His listeners that "it's not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick" (Luke 5:31, Matthew 9:12, Mark 2:17). And Jesus' example was one of regularly coming alongside the suffering, the vulnerable, the sick, the outcasts of society, and really listening to them and loving them.

James 1:27 says this:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after widows and orphans in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

God's laws included provision for looking after the poor among them.

If Scripture is this clear, then my only conclusion can be that if God cares about the poor and the vulnerable, I should too as His follower. If there's something that is keeping me from doing that, I need to figure out what it is and take the necessary steps to change it.

So, I leave you with the questions I opened this post with and that I'm still wrestling with in my life.

What are the stories that influence how you see other people and their situations?
What are the narratives that your opinions are based on?
Are you even aware of what those are?
Are you willing to discover what they are?
Are you willing to allow them to be changed, even if it's uncomfortable to do so?

The Problem with How we Often Approach Modesty Conversations

"Be careful what you wear, you don't want to cause your brothers in Christ to stumble by how you dress."

"Men are visual, so it really matters what you wear."

These are just a couple of examples of the messages about modesty I heard growing up in the church. And often still here today.

Then you look at communicated dress codes: They're almost always much more detailed for women than for men. In some cases, they see to be almost exclusively addressed to women.

And that's wrong. And it's a problem.

Hear me clearly:

I'm not saying that these sentiments are wrong. I'm not saying women shouldn't be aware of how they dress and the impact it may have on others. Those things are part of living in healthy community.

But, we absolutely cannot stop here. We cannot stop with just telling women it's all on them with regards to what the Christian men in their worlds think.

What I am saying:

When our focus when it comes to modesty is almost exclusively focused on women's choice of dress, we're doing exactly what we complain about our society doing to women and speak out against in other settings. In framing our discussions of modesty around only what women wear, we're reducing women to nothing more than sex objects. The very same thing we decry in the society in which we live.

We also marginalize a segment of women. We make it seems like only men are tripped up by what they see. Our silence on men's dress and need for modesty pushes the segment of women who struggle with that they see on the sidelines. Left feeling unacknowledged, unimportant, and completely silenced. Silencing them is the worst part of it, in my opinion, because it means they're left alone in their struggle, feeling like they have no place to reach out for help. Their struggle is invalidated and made to be no big deal.

I've had a few instances where this topic has come up in conversation recently that have fueled this post. In some of the conversations, my thoughts have been listened to and considered, regardless of whether they agree with me. In others, the response has been an almost immediate dismissal with a "yeah, but . . ." It's the second response, the dismissal, that really spurred me to write this post.

When I look at Scripture, I don't see responsibility for another's actions being placed on one group of people, but rather, I see all people being called to responsibility for their own thoughts and actions.

There are a couple of Scriptures, I commonly here in discussions about modesty:

". . . Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister." (Romans 14:13b)

"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak." (1 Corinthians 8:9)

I have heard both of these verses used as support for the statements I opened this post with. And, while they do apply to that, we can't limit them to a discussion on modesty for women. Taken in the larger context of where these verses are pulled from, Paul is talking about how to live in Christian community. Paul's not even talking about modesty is dress, although the principle can be applied there. But, if we're going to apply it there, we need to be applying to both men and women equally.

We're being unfair if we use it to justify talking to women about how to dress and don't also talk to men about the same thing. Both men and women have a responsibility in this area. And it's important.

In an increasingly sexualized society, we need to have regular and honest conversations about modesty and the implication of how we dress. But, it must be a balanced conversation. We all, men and women, have a responsibility here - both in how we dress and in what we choose to dwell on in our own thoughts.

Unique Stories of Faith

"The Bible makes it clear that every time there is a story of faith, it is completely original. God's creative genius is endless. He never, fatigued and unable to maintain the rigors of creativity, resorts to mass-producing copies. Each life is a fresh canvas on which He uses lines and colors, shades and lights, textures and proportions that He has never used before."
                                         (Eugene Peterson, Run with the Horses: The Quest for Life at its Best)



I've spent a lot of time pondering this quote recently. It really stuck with me when I first heard it and I haven't been able to leave it behind since.

Stories of faith . . .
                    . . . in the Bible.
                    . . . in the history of the church.
                    . . . in the lives of those around us today.
                    . . . in our own lives.

We read some stories of faith. We listen to some. We live our own. And we may play a role in the stories of others.

They're the same only in that we are writing them with God by the choices we make.

But, our stories will never be the same as someone else's story of faith. Our story of faith is uniquely ours. Even our experiences of the same event or struggle as another person will be different.

And that's how God intended it to be. He has a different story of faith He wants to write for each one of us. And He's not going to run our of material or ideas for any one of us.

Changing the Stories we Tell Ourselves

The stories we tell ourselves matter. The can change everything in how we see a situation.

The way we fill in the blanks about an interaction with someone can impact our relationship with them without them ever knowing what happened.

The videos we replay in our minds as determine why someone reacted the way they did can change all our future interactions with them and they'll never know what's driving the change.

We go through life with missing information, left to fill in the gaps. And we fill in those gaps based on our past experiences. Often, based on the worst of our past experiences.

It's how we're wired. When we don't have all the answers, we try to fill in the blanks. We tell ourselves stories to explain it all.

Often, these stories are dangerous. Because we don't usually assume the best about people in these stories; we assume the worst and react accordingly. In doing so, we can cause serious harm to relationships, or to ourselves.

I ended up in this place myself recently. I had an experience where the way I filled in the blanks in a way that was harmful to me. It wasn't so much that I damaged a relationship with someone else. But, I took what happened, and filled in the blanks in such a way that I wasn't worthy or adequate to be in the role I was in with this happened. I was heading down a dangerous path.

What if we learned to stop ourselves?

What if we started asking for more information so we could fill in those blanks accurately?

What if we started to change our thinking about others?

What if we started assuming people are doing the best they have with what they have, instead of the worst?

I believe that would change everything in our relationships with people. It will take courage to do so thought. It will require intentionally from us. We'll have to be intentional about stopping our usual thinking and changing it. We may even have to have the courage to ask for the missing information from people so we can fill in the blanks correctly.

But, I think it will be worth the cost.

In the situation I was in where I had filled in the blanks with the wrong information and was heading down a dangerous path, I had to make that choice. I had to choose to reach out to people who could help me change the story I was telling myself. It wasn't easy. Often, just admitting out loud the story we've been telling ourselves reveals how ridiculous it actually is. But, I knew I needed to, so that others could help me to write the story correctly. As hard as it was, in the end it was worth the cost.

Are you willing to start making this change?

The Story we Write

It's that time of year when many people seem to get a bit a reflective. Looking back at the year that's drawing to a close, and then looking forward to the year that is to come. The turning of the calendar page to a new year prompts that.

It always prompts a couple of key questions for me:

• What kind of a story did I write with my life in 2016?
• What kind of a story do I want to write with my life in 2017?

Obviously, we can't control some of the events that have happened or will happen. We can't control things other people say or do. There's so much that we can't control.

But, we do have one thing we can control, and that is where we determine the story we write with our lives. We can choose how we respond. We can choose what we do with what happens and what we do with what other people say or do.

Our choices are the story we write with our lives. Our choices are the ways we will be remembered by those around us.

When life has knocked us down  - whether an event or something someone else does or says - we have a choice. We can choose to stay face-down and refuse to get up. Or we choose to do the hard work of getting back up - of learning from what has happened and why we reacted the way we did, so we can grow from it and hopefully respond differently the next time.

So, as 2016 comes to a close and we turn the calendar page to 2017, these questions might be good ones to reflect on it:

What kind of a story did I write with my life in 2016?

What kind of a story do I want to write with my life in 2017?

Avoid the Danger of Forgetting God

"You have forgotten God your Savior;
         you have not remembered the Rock, your Fortress."
                                             Isaiah 17:10

It seems this is a common refrain from God's prophets to Israel and Judah. "You have forgotten your God."

It was the cause of many of their issues. The forgot God and began to worship other gods. The result was judgement and destruction.

I think we have the same danger. We are in danger of forgetting God too.

We get caught up in life and we turn from God. Sometimes intentionally. But oftentimes, it's not intentional.

So, what is the solution?

How do we prevent ourselves from forgetting God?

God told Israel how to prevent this. He spelled out for them what it would take for them not to forget God.

Deuteronomy 4:9 says:

"Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen and let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them."

Did you catch what it says?

The way we prevent ourselves from forgetting God is to share the stories of what He has done. Tell others the stories of God and His work among us and in our lives.

When we share the stories we have a reason to remember. We keep God present in our minds. It prevents us from forgetting God.

We avoid the danger of forgetting God by sharing the testimonies of what He has done with others.

The Importance of our Stories

I read a quote recently that made me think about the importance of our stories. Of paying attention to them. Of sharing them with others.

"When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending. . . . Owning our stories is standing in our truth. It's transformative in our personal lives and professional lives and it's also critical in our community lives." (Brene Brown)

Our life is all about stories. The larger stories that last for months, years, a lifetime. The smaller stories that are minutes or hours long. And they're all important, because they are part of who we are, they point to how we are who we are.

What makes a story exciting to read or watch is the moment of decision. That place where the main character has to make a choice about what they will do. Which way they'll go. Which person they'll become.

That's the same thing that makes our stories exciting. The moments where we choose the ending of our story by stepping into it. When we choose to face the realities of where we are right now and be intentional about what we do next. Then we have a part to play in what the outcome is.

If we refuse to make that choice and just allow things to happen, we end up defined by what happened, rather than by what we chose to do. When we make the choice, we get to play a part in writing the ending of our story.

Our stories also impact other people. We need to share our stories with them. In doing so, we remind ourselves and others of God's faithfulness in the past, which gives us courage for the future.

The Importance of Our Stories

I spent the weekend away at a retreat with a group of ladies from my church. I've grown to love these weekends and I make them a priority when they come up. There's just something about getting away from everyday life that is necessary sometimes. A chance to get away to laugh and learn and encourage each other without interruptions.

On Saturday afternoon a group of us went for a walk along the lake. Up in the mountains in the midst of God's amazing creation. We talked and laughed as we walked. So much beauty surrounding us.

Great conversation as we walked. Getting to know one another more. Sharing parts of our stories with each other. Sharing what God has done in us.

Driving to and from the retreat was more great conversation in the midst of God's beautiful creation. Share stories of God in our lives, with no interruptions.

On Sunday night, my weekend wrapped up by going to a baptism service at my church. More stories of people's journeys with God. More sharing hos God has worked.

Those stories Sunday night represented just a small number of the many stories of 25 years of ministry where we are located as a church. A fraction of the stories of God working in people, transforming them into His image.

As I reflect on this weekend, I'm reminded of the importance of our stories. Of the importance of sharing our story with others.

We were created with a place in God's larger story. Our story fits into the larger one where we all have a place. But we might miss how we fit if we never share our stories.

There is a reason why we want to go to things where we can hear the stories of God at work in the lives of other people. We were created to share our stories with each other.

Sometimes when we share our story with others or we listen to someone share their story with us, something makes sense for the first time. Something that hasn't made sense before suddenly comes clear. We can see why something happened or how God used it.

We sometimes forget the power of sharing our stories. But, when we are reminded of it, we need to start to share our stories again.