Why are we so afraid of vulnerability?
What causes us so much fear when we feel vulnerable?
In a book I was reading recently, the author made mention
that while we have become masters at other things, “we are scared to death of
the intimately personal.” (Mark Steele, Christianish).
Those words jumped off the page at me.
A little bit later in the same chapter of the book, the
author is talking about someone overcoming a fear of heights, and comments
that, “we may not have a phobia about heights, but we certainly have one about
depth.” (Mark Steele, Christianish).
Reading similar words a second time stuck in my head.
I’ve been thinking about it since.
Why do we have this fear of things that seem personal? That make
us feel vulnerable to share them with others?
If this fear logical? Is it how we should be feeling? Or
should the way we operate look different that being afraid to be vulnerable?
I think we have this fear of being vulnerable because it
goes against what our culture tells us we should be. We’re told that we need to
be strong. We’re told that we need to have it all together.
And being vulnerable often means admitting we’re weak.
Admitting that we don’t have it all together.
Since it goes against what we’ve been told, we struggle with
it.
But, when I look at Scripture, I see much that goes against
what culture tells us. We’re not told we have to be strong and have it all
together.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will
fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)
We can’t help carry another believer’s burdens if we don’t
know what they are. And we won’t know what they are, if they don’t tell us. To
tell other believers what our burdens are requires that we be vulnerable with
them.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
(Romans 12:15)
We can’t rejoice with people who are rejoicing if we don’t
know they are. And we can’t mourn with those who are mourning if we don’t know
they are. Again, to be able to do these things, they have to tell us and it
requires vulnerability.
Those are just two of many times in Scripture where we are
told to help each other out. It’s a common theme. And the early church is full
of examples of believers helping each other with everyday life.
So, if Scripture says this is how we are supposed to live,
why does it cause so much fear for many of us?
Being vulnerable with another person is risky. We have to
admit our weaknesses and the we don’t have it all together. And we often have
to do this without knowing 100% how they will handle that information.
We hope we have chosen well in who we share it with. We hope
they won’t use that information against us in the future. But, we don’t know
for sure. So it’s risky to be vulnerable. But, we can’t use someone using our
vulnerability with them in the wrong way as an excuse to shut down and stop
sharing.
Despite the risk, we learn there is something rewarding
about being vulnerable with the right people. We see our burdens lifted. We see
the power that something being a secret had in our lives broken. We are
encouraged.
It may seem like a better choice to stay safe by not being
vulnerable with other people, but the risk is worth it. We may find ourselves
fearful in the moment when we’re vulnerable, but I do believe that the risk and
the fear is worth it – even if sometimes it backfires on us.
I’ve been one of the people that being vulnerable with
others scares for much of my life. I took a few experiences where it didn’t go
so well and used them as my reason why I would never be vulnerable with anyone
again. I thought I was protecting myself, but the truth was that I was
isolating myself and it was getting lonely.
Then, a couple months ago, I was at a retreat with my
church, where we got honest about our lives and where we were at with each
other. Honestly, I wasn’t too sure about that. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go
there. But, as I did, I discovered something. My life was not that much
different than the two people I was sharing with. Sure, our struggles were
different, but all three of us had them.
Learning to be vulnerable there and to continue it in the
weeks since, hasn’t been a journey free of fear. I still deal with that. But, I’m
learning that the freedom and encouragement that comes with being vulnerable is
worth the risk and worth facing the fear every time.
We’re not as strong as we think we are. We’re not as strong
as we would like to be. We need other people who really know us. God created us
that way. We have to take the risk to be vulnerable. It’s the only way to
really live.
