Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 3)

Here's the third thing in my series on things we need to stop saying:

Anything at all that implies how good your sex like is and how the single person you're talking to is missing out.

This is just not appropriate.

I'm actually baffled by how much about the topic of sex is considered taboo to talk about in Christian circles, but comments like this are somehow acceptable.

There may be places where this conversation is good and helpful, but not when you're talking to a single person. And especially not when you say it in a way to make them feel like they're missing out on something.

It doesn't make the single person you say it to want to pursue marriage more. It doesn't make them make more intentional choices to pursue marriage. Many times, they're already doing everything they can, but when it's dependent on another person, you don't have all the control.

Instead, it makes them feel looked down on and like they're seen as less than. It can make them feel pitied for missing out.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 2)

 "Why are you still single?"

This is another thing we need to stop saying.

It's not helpful.

The question is usually preceded or follow by something about how great of a person someone is. 

But the question often hurts and takes away from anything else that was said alongside it.

Why does it hurt?

It points out that the person is still single, even with all these good things about them. It feels like being single is seen as a problem that should be solved. It implies that there is something wrong with being single, especially if you have all these good qualities that are given.

Instead of encouraging someone with good things you see in them, the message that can actually come across is that there's something wrong with you because you have all these good qualities and yet you're still single. It makes the person on the receiving end feel incomplete or less than.

The last reason why we need to stop asking this question is that it's an impossible question to answer for all, but a very select few. There may be a few people who know they have a specific message from God that they are to be single for a time or for their lives, but those people are not common. Most of us have no way to answer the question, so asking it, and then expecting an answer, does no good.

I realize not all who ask are looking for an actual answer to the question. But, even when it's just left hanging with no answer, there's an element of struggle to find an answer felt. And it leaves an uncertainness for those who are asked.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 1)

 Can we please stop telling people that marriage is the greatest tool God can use for sanctification?

It's something I hear all too often, and as a single adult it's frustrating.

It's actually hurtful to many.

As a single adult, it comes across as meaning I don't have the opportunity for sanctification because I'm not married. And, yes, I've had people say that.

With single adults a large and growing number of people in our churches, comments like this alienate more people that we realize.

And, let's be honest, God has a lot more tools to use for our sanctification than just marriage. He's not limited. We make Him out to be smaller than He actually is when we decide what His best tools for sanctification are.

As long as we are living in relationship with God, He can do the work of sanctification in our lives. He can use any situation or relationship or things that come our way to sanctify us. And He does, if we allow Him to.

Yes, marriage is a tool God can use for sanctification. 

So are roommates, friends, coworkers, neighbours, family members. 

So it trusting God through a challenging time. 

So is persevering to finish a project that didn't come naturally or was filled with challenges.

Ultimately, anything in our lives can be a tool God uses for our sanctification, if we'll allow it to be.

But, that's the key with all of this. We have to allow it to be a way of sanctification. If we don't, then it won't be.

Risking to Let Someone In

 

Clear blue skies.

Fluffy white clouds floating by.

Afternoon sun making it feel much warmer than the 30 degrees the temperature says it is.

A gentle breeze keeping almost comfortable.

The cool water of the creek flowing over our feet.

Birds chirping in the trees surrounding me.

The sound of rushing water providing the background for the chirping birds.

I honestly don't know what could be more peaceful. A respite from the busyness and stress of life. Calm in the middle of storms.

The tree across the creek from me stands tall and barren. A white pole in the midst of the lush green. From this distance I can't tell if it's dead or alive. I can get close enough to see if there are buds or signs of life.

It makes me wonder if we could say the same things about our lives.

How often do we stand alone, feeling barren, in the midst of lush life around us?

We've kept people at a distance. They can't tell if there's life in us or not. No one knows looking at us from the outside. No one gets close enough to actually see.

Unlike this tree, we make the choice to keep everybody at a distance. We build up the walls and protections to keep people from knowing what's really going on. We isolate and self-protect.

We think we're doing a good thing, but we end up actually causing ourselves harm. In our quest to look like we have it all together, we close ourselves up from what we really need. While trying to keep from getting hurt by others, we actually hurt ourselves.

So what does it look like to open up? To all others in? To allow people to see if there are signs of life?

It means taking a risk. We have to be intentional about opening up with others. And that might mean we get hurt sometimes. But, for all the times it does go well when we risk letting people in, it will be worth it to take the risk.

So, who is one person in your life you can take the risk with?

And, what is one thing you can risk sharing?