Singles Ministries Cannot be Just About Getting Them Ready for Marriage

 I saw a post on Instagram recently that frustrated me. The post talked about how singles ministry should focus on getting singles healthy mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they would be ready for marriages that are healthy.

When I read the first part, I agreed wholeheartedly. But, I quickly became frustrated by the reason given for why. Likely unintentionally, the post's author said that marriage should be the end goal for someone who is single, and that the worth of a single person comes from them focusing on being ready for marriage.

This was frustrating to read, and hurtful as a single adult in the church.

Let me start with a few questions for you to think about:

What are the five most important things you would want someone to know about you?

What do they say about who you are?

What do they reveal about what you value?

If you're married, then likely that would be one of the things on your list, but it's not the only thing.

If you're single that fact may or may not be on your list - depending on your experiences with telling people that.

Too often in the church, we have adopted the mindset that singleness is a problem to be solved. Whether we realize it or not, the language we use reveals this. In doing so, we limit the identity of a single adult to one thing - in a way that we don't for those who are married.

Your list of five things you would want someone to know about you likely includes a variety of information about who and what you value - whether you're married or single. If someone decided that married was the only thing that mattered about you and that it was a problem to be solved, you'd likely feel confined, seen as less than, under-valued.

But, we do that all the time to singles when we see singleness as a temporary situation or a problem to be solved. This is where the Instagram post I saw got it wrong.

Singles ministries in churches should be about helping singles become healthier mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually so they can live the abundant life Jesus offers. 

As soon as the focus becomes getting singles ready for marriage, we miss out on what God says about single adults as people. We need to see people for all of who they are, not just one thing that is part of them.

Please Respect my Personal Space

 Everyone you meet has a different set of personal space boundaries and they're important. They often exist for a reason. It can be hard to know the nuances of what someone's personal space looks like - especially because they may change depending on who the person is with at the moment.

I've written before about how we need physical contact with safe people regularly to do well in life. But, how much and with who is a very personal matter. And we have to learn to allow space for it to be different.

When it comes to this, I think there are a few things we do often in church in trying to be welcoming, that actually make people feel uncomfortable instead.

The first is the need to touch someone when you're talking to them. Whether it's an extra long handshake or a hand on their shoulder, I've experienced it and seen it often. There may be times when this is appropriate or desired, but it can also easily serve to make the recipient feel uncomfortable. For a conversation in the lobby at church, this is probably not necessary most of the time. When praying for someone a hand on their shoulder could be a good thing, but, even then, we should be asking first.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the sometimes uninvited hugs. Being a "hugger" isn't an excuse to make some feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We need to be aware of other people's comfort with hugs and not force it on them.

Finally, the biggest thing is to not assume because someone was okay with it with one person, they automatically will be with you too. The level of relationship with a person can often have an impact on what someone is comfortable with. You may have just seen hug a family member or a close friend, so don't assume they'll hug you too if you don't fall into that category.

The biggest thing we can to do to help everyone feel comfortable is to respect someone's wishes. If they move away from you or prevent contact in some way, don't keep trying. If they ask you to stop, then stop. If they acknowledge you, but don't extend their hand in response to your offer of a handshake, don't keep following them around or put your hand on their shoulder.

One more thing I've seen, that probably bothers me more than any of the above. A kid should never have their personal space invaded or have your hand on them without their permission. We live in a world where teaching a kid that their body is theirs and no one gets to get too close to them without their permission is vital for their safety. We should be enforcing this at church, not disrespecting it.

I have stepped between my niece and people who were ignoring her discomfort. I will always do that for her with no questions asked, but I shouldn't have to at church. And for the record, she is always able to get right into my personal space without hesitation if she needs me. That doesn't apply to everyone else.

Seeing Something You Haven't Before in Scripture

 It's easy to become familiar with a part of a verse or passage in Scripture - especially when it speaks to something in your life at a time when you read it. We reference either the exact words or the concept regularly. This is a good thing, but it can also mean with miss things sometimes.

My attention recently turned to a verse that I'm quite familiar with. As I read the whole verse, I was actually a bit surprised to discover that two truths I often quote were in the same verse. And linking together gave a fuller understanding of both.

I know I've read this verse many times all together in the past, But, this time I noticed something I hadn't before. I love how there's always more to learn, even when we go back to a familiar passage.

Hebrews 13:5 says:

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'."

In conversations about money and possessions the first half of the verse if often mentioned. We use it to remind ourselves that loving money is a problem. That we need to learn to be content with what we have.

We take comfort in the second half as a reminder that God never leaves. That He is always with us - no matter what we're going through.

All of that is good and true and helpful for our lives. As I read this verse recently, it was the word in between these two parts that caught my eye:

BECAUSE

That word links these together.

Because God is never going to leave us or forsake us, we can be content with what we have.

Because God is never going to leave us or forsake us, we don't need to love money.

We can be content with what we have because God is never going to leave us or forsake us.

We don't need to love money because God is never going to leave us or forsake us.

Yes, I know I said the same thing twice there. When we've separated two things for so long, I think we sometimes need the repetition to get it to sink in.

When the writer of Hebrews put the word "because" here, they did it intentionally and we need to take notice.