Our Responses to the Longings Someone Expresses

Have you shared a longing for something with someone?

How did they respond? Did they acknowledge that longing? Or did they tell you the longing was a problem?

I'm not talking about something sinful, or a longing that is an idol. I'm talking about a longing, a desire, for something created by God as good and given to us as a gift. We can desire good things from God, things that are honouring to Him, yet the responses we receive when we express those things to others can leave us feeling like we're desiring something sinful.

When I answer the questions I opened this post with I'm thinking specifically about a desire to be married one day. But, in many situations, I've learned this is a dangerous longing to express based on some of the responses I've received. Most were likely well-intentioned responses, but they were hurtful anyways. Some were just plain theologically dangerous.

I finished a book recently that spoke to a lot of these sorts of things. The author worded the dilemma here much better than I can:

"If we can't even give voice to our God-honoring desires, how on earth can we pursue them in a healthy, honest way? We have to make space for this kind of dialogue in the church. We have to allow room for longing, for confession, for intimacy." (Joy Beth Smith, "Party of One: Truth, Longing, and Subtle Art of Singleness")

I actually wonder if it's our (the church as a whole) uncomfortableness with the entire topic of singleness that causes us to respond in hurtful ways without intending to do so. This is thinking that we've all bought into - both married and single people. But, I also believe we can change that.

"Part of reworking the narrative comes in refusing to believe that a person is at fault for her own singleness. This is one of the underlying assumptions in the flawed thinking we currently accept without question. Even as single people we've digested this and believe it to be true." (Joy Beth Smith, "Party of One")

Think for a moment about some of the responses we give when someone tells us about a desire they have marriage. Or, if you're single, maybe some of the responses you've received when you express a desire for marriage.

1. God will bring someone when you're ready.
2. Stop looking and God will bring someone.
3. If you desire it that much, then you must be making it an idol.

All of these responses do a couple of things. They make it out to be a problem the person desiring marriage has that is keeping them from getting married. They also imply that marriage is a promise for everyone and that we just have to get everything on our end in order to receive it.

Whether we mean them that way or not, they are hurtful responses. And they're simply not true.

This means we need to change the way we respond here.

What if we responded with empathy for the unmet desire?

What if we acknowledged that it must be hard rather than trying to offer advice?

As I close, I'm going to share one more quote from Joy Beth Smith's book, "Party of One: Truth, Longing, and the Subtle Art of Singleness."

"Honestly, it's crushing to live under the constant weight of unmet desires. It's hard to long for something you have little to no control over actually obtaining." (Joy Beth Smith)

These words are true and they need to be something we hold in mind as we listen to people talk about their unmet desires. I believe it would change the way we respond to one another in these conversations.

How do we Actually See Singleness in the Church?

As I was standing in my local Christian bookstore recently, I was struck by what I saw on the shelf. When I scanned my eyes across the shelves looking at the names of the sections for books. I was struck by the space was divided.

There was a startling contrast in the amount of space give to different topics. Some of the sections were quite large and general to most people who would be looking for a book - Christian living, devotionals, various types of fiction, etc. But that wasn't the part that caught my eye.

As I continued to look at the shelves, I saw sections labelled men's issue, women's issues, parenting, marriage, singles, and possibly a few others I've forgotten. Some had much space on the shelves, some had little. The section on marriage had more than a shelf, while the section for singles had only a few books - the label took up more space than the books. Half the books in that section were actually on dating and preparing for marriage while you're single. A closer look at the section on women's issues revealed that at least two-thirds of the books there were on being a wife or a mother.

That disparity struck me as picture of how it can feel to be a single person in the church. There are times when there is so much focus on marriage and being a good spouse and/or parent, that if you're single and have no kids, it can be easy to feel left out.

Before you say my example from the Christian bookstore is not a great picture because that's just what has been written, but let me tell you that is simply not true. A look at what I have on my bookshelf at home would tell you that. But, I've had to look long and hard for those books that aren't about dating or preparing for marriage. Often purchasing them with little more information about them than the title and the topic. And they're mostly good books, that need to be better available to the entire church - whether single or married.

When I look around at who is gathered at the service I attend at my church on any given weekend, I see a much larger number of single adults past college-age than I think many people realize. Some are single by choice, while others would rather be married and have families of their own. Some have been married and aren't anymore, while others have never been married.

Yes, we live in a society where marriage and family are under attack and we absolutely need to support marriages and families in our churches. We should want them to thrive. We should be providing resources and support there.

But, I also think the way we approach singleness needs to be changed. There is a problem when the only time we talk about singleness is in regards to preparing for marriage.At this point in my life, although I still very much desire to be married, I want to live a full and God-honouring life while I'm single. I can't just focus all my time on preparing for a marriage that may or may not happen for me.

God doesn't promise any of us marriage in Scripture. But when everything (or, at least most things) we offer for singles is about preparing for marriage, it implies that we believe everyone will get married one day. This is harmful for individuals and the church as a whole.

As I've tried to figure out how to end this post and sum up what I've been trying to say, I've been drawn back to a book on this topic I just finished reading. As with most books I read, there are parts of this book I agree with and parts I don't. But, when it comes to the topic of this post, I feel like the author sum it up well.

The book is called Party of One: Truth. Longing, and the Subtle Art of Singleness by Joy Beth Smith.

"The problem with viewing singleness as a season is that we relegate our time here to something to be endured, not celebrate. . . . singleness is not a season with a guaranteed end in this life. And we can't spend our days trying to wait it out, constantly looking for what we have next."

"Only in acknowledging the value of each unique path that God is mapping out, can we come to understand what it means to embrace life and live it well."

If singleness isn't just a season or a place to prepare for what we generally see as coming next, then our thinking has to change. We have to learn to celebrate life wherever we're at - and value this in the church.

What Does it Look Like to be the Family of God?

I wrote a post a couple of years ago about a challenge that comes with the change of schedule in summer. As I reread it recently I still resonated with the every word I wrote then.

It is hard when the arrival of the May long weekend typically means a transition to sitting at home alone most evenings and a greater challenge in getting people to commit to making any kind of a plan with you. I understand that it is often a very necessary change of pace. I understand the desire to take advantage of the different activities that come with warmer weather.

But, that doesn't change the fact that, for me and many others like me, summer can be a very lonely and isolating time. It's often very difficult to add anything to a calendar that has nothing more than work and going home to my house where there's no family waiting for me, every day for a week or more at a time. This is really nice for a few days and then it becomes suffocating and isolating.

All of this leaves me asking me one question.

Before I share it, this is my preface: This isn't an easy question. It gets in our business. It challenges every single one of us who call themselves Christians.

If we, as Christians, as the church, are the family of God, then why are content to leave a large portion of our family lonely and isolated for one quarter of the year?

Now, before you take issue with me asking this question, realize that I'm not asking to any one part of the church; I'm asking it to all of us. No matter whether we are single or married, with kids or without kids, are a young adult or a senior, if we're part of the church this question is one for all of us.I ask this question as much of myself as I do you - those who are reading this.

There is a large segment of our church community who don't work around the school calendar - there's no Christmas break, or spring break, or extended summer break. Yet, often in the church it seems as if there's an assumption that everyone's lives work according to the school calendar. There's a large number of people - single and married of all different ages - for whom the school calendar has no impact.

Obviously, there are many facets of the answer to this question. And my own experiences and life situation are going to be at play in how I deal with this. Just as it will have an impact on how you would answer this question. Because of that, I don't think I have the final solution for how we deal with this. But, I do believe it's a conversation that absolutely has to be had and every one of us needs to have a voice.

So, back to my question:

If we, as Christians, as the church, are the family of God, then why are content to leave a large portion of our family lonely and isolated for one quarter of the year?

The time frame I'm talking about is the 3 - 1/2 months book-ended by the May and September long weekends. In much of the church (and to some degree our society in general), those weekends often signal the beginning and end of the "ministry year." But, even beyond formal ministry in the church, they also seem to signal the beginning and end of a time period when people will schedule anything other than a camping trip or a vacation.

All of this presents a challenge. A challenge that leaves some people feeling lonely an isolated.

When I think of a family, I think of a group of people of all ages and walks of life who love and care for each other. We often talk of church as the family of God. Most of the time family does things together, supports each other, loves each other. Of course, in our fallen world, this doesn't always happen, but I think we all have some idea what it should be. The thing about a healthy family is that they included everyone regardless of their circumstances or life situation.

I've tried to figure out how to say this part without being really blunt, and I can't do it, so I'm going to say it and then hopefully explain what I mean.

When the family of God stops everything, "because it's summer," "because school's out," "because it's nice outside," "because people are away," it makes some of us feel like we're being left out of the family - whether it's intentional or not.

Since, I'm in the habit these last few posts of being brutally honest about things here. The thoughts that run through my mind when I'm told there won't be anything scheduled, whether church ministry or social events for 3 - 1/2 months aren't great. I can think of all sorts of ways to refute those reasons. If I'm not careful, it's really easy to begin to feel like I'm not really considered part of the family of God (or, at least I'm not from mid-May to the beginning of September).

For a long time, I didn't communicate any of this to anyone. I kept it all inside. And that makes me just as much a part of the problem as anyone else may be.

But, it also means I have as much an opportunity as anyone else to be a part of the solution. But, there's no chance of anything being different if we don't say anything, if we're not willing to have some potentially uncomfortable conversations.

So, what do we do?

I don't know that we have to change everything all at once, but there are small things we all can do to better be the family of God for each other. We need to have those uncomfortable conversations. Everyone needs to be able to explain what they are looking for and what they need from the family of God. And we need to seriously consider what those who have a different view than us are saying.

As we talk, we need to show grace and love to each other. And figure out how we can better love and include all members of the family of God. It doesn't have to be hard. It starts small. After I first had this conversation with some friends a couple years ago, those friends listened and cared. Realizing what I was looking for when I asked for more scheduled things over summer and that I also wanted to respect their time for additional family time, meant that we were better able to be the family of God for each other.

Really, it starts with things as simple as invitations to each other's places for dinner, or to join in an activity of some kind. Or a plan for a camping trip together. All things, that put more on the calendar for some who find the summer lonely and isolating - making it just a little less so.

Maybe that is all that's needed. And maybe at some point, we need to have a bigger conversation about how we do things. That is something that remains an unknown, but we'll never know for sure until we start somewhere.

Talking About It Despite The Fear

I guess this is becoming part in a bit of a series about anxiety (you can read part 1 and part 2 here) on here about this. When I wrote that first post, I never really intended to write more on it, but here we go.

One of the questions I've been asked recently is:
If it's so scary to out it out there for others to read, why do I do it?
If it's so easily misunderstood by people, why do I take the risk?

I guess my answer is that, while it's scary, it's also liberating. There's no longer a feeling of pretending in my life. There's no longer an added fear of being "found out" when something happens.

For the first 8 years after I was told I had social anxiety disorder I didn't tell anyone. I kept it to myself and just did my best to structure my life in a way that (at least I thought) wasn't overly obvious to people. But, about 3 years ago a series of events rendered that impossible to do anymore. Everything became too much for me to manage on my own. As it impacted more and more areas of my carefully structured life, I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

I no longer had a choice about telling people. Those first conversations terrified me (even more than the first post I wrote a couple of weeks on this), but afterwards I felt a sort of freedom I hadn't expected. There's something powerful about letting other people into your biggest struggles. I was no longer alone in it. And I found incredible love and support in those people I told.

As I moved slowly beyond that time and was able to manage better again, I realized my biggest help had come from being open about my struggle with this. That inviting and allowing other people in was important. I also realized how many others may be struggling with the same things we are, but staying quiet because we thing no one else will understand.

I was also painfully aware of the stigma that still often comes with any kind of mental health struggle - both inside and outside of the church. And I knew the only way this would change would be for people to keep talking about it, so we can one day change the conversation about it.

All of that is why I choose to continue to talk about this. Keeping it to myself didn't help me, it doesn't help others, and it will never change the conversations we have about it. The changes when we talk about it, despite the fear and misunderstanding. Our silence leaves everything the same.

So I choose to keep talking about this, despite the fear. I will talk about this despite the comments that all it would take to be "cured" is more faith in God and more prayer (believe me, I pray and I believe God can heal me of this, but it hasn't happened yet). I will talk about this despite the times other misunderstand what I'm trying to say.

But, mostly, I will talk about this because it brings freedom - for me and for others. Keeping silent about our struggles binds us up. When we talk about them, freedom can come.

Why it's Scary to Admit to Anxiety?

I've been thinking a lot about the post I wrote last week and why it was really so terrifying to hit publish. What makes it so hard to let people know that I deal with this on a daily basis? Why was I hesitant to share in that way?

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it really does come down to the way it is seen by some people . . . and, unfortunately, especially the way it's seen by some people in the church. We talk often about the stigma associated with mental illness in our society, and our need to remove it. We've made great strides in this - both inside and outside of the church.

But, there have definitely been times when it has been easier to let the stranger in the grocery store or the coffee shop know what was going on when I'm struggling with anxiety when I'm out, then it has been to let someone at church know. This reality saddens me. The place where it should be easiest to admit my struggle is often actually the most difficult.

So, why is this the case? What is going on here?

I'm going to say that most of the challenge comes from the multiple meanings of the word anxiety. It's a word that is used to mean anything from the worries of everyday life to crippling fear and worry that interferes with the ability to live a "normal life." Most of the people I've talked to about this in the church understand the first definition, but they miss the other possible definition.

When someone is talking about the worries of everyday life, then it is perfectly reasonable to talk to them about praying and giving them over to God - about how Scripture tells us not to worry about tomorrow - and leave it at that. Scripture's prescription for this kind of anxiety is abundantly clear.

But, when it's a life-altering level of anxiety? When it's anxiety that interferes with the ability to live and do the things everyone else does?

Absolutely, the truth of Scripture still applies. But, when we stop there, we leave those who live with this type of anxiety feeling less than, or like their problem isn't seen as being real. It can make you feel like less of a Christian because the "solution" that people are giving doesn't work for you.

I don't want to discount the truth of Scripture, or the role that doing what Philippians 4:6-7 says plays in my ability to manage my anxiety. The truth of Scripture is powerful to change thinking and I don't want to minimize it.

But, when I'm struggling with my anxiety in the moment, I don't need Scripture basically just thrown at me as the solution to my problem. It's not actually going to help. 

I also don't want to make it sound like the church always gets this wrong. Many in the church handle this well. They truly care and support and try to understand. I get that it's hard to understand what it's like and I might not always be able to explain it well. But, I'm appreciative of those who try.

So, how do we fix this?

1) Don't assume you know what someone means when they say they're struggling with anxiety. Ask questions to get a better understanding of what they mean.

2) Don't rush to offer you solution to their problem. Even when you feel like you have a suggestion that might help, offering it right away will actually be counter-productive.

3) Listen to what they're saying and care about what's going on. A listening ear makes a big difference. Often just being there makes all the difference.