Our Responses to the Longings Someone Expresses

Have you shared a longing for something with someone?

How did they respond? Did they acknowledge that longing? Or did they tell you the longing was a problem?

I'm not talking about something sinful, or a longing that is an idol. I'm talking about a longing, a desire, for something created by God as good and given to us as a gift. We can desire good things from God, things that are honouring to Him, yet the responses we receive when we express those things to others can leave us feeling like we're desiring something sinful.

When I answer the questions I opened this post with I'm thinking specifically about a desire to be married one day. But, in many situations, I've learned this is a dangerous longing to express based on some of the responses I've received. Most were likely well-intentioned responses, but they were hurtful anyways. Some were just plain theologically dangerous.

I finished a book recently that spoke to a lot of these sorts of things. The author worded the dilemma here much better than I can:

"If we can't even give voice to our God-honoring desires, how on earth can we pursue them in a healthy, honest way? We have to make space for this kind of dialogue in the church. We have to allow room for longing, for confession, for intimacy." (Joy Beth Smith, "Party of One: Truth, Longing, and Subtle Art of Singleness")

I actually wonder if it's our (the church as a whole) uncomfortableness with the entire topic of singleness that causes us to respond in hurtful ways without intending to do so. This is thinking that we've all bought into - both married and single people. But, I also believe we can change that.

"Part of reworking the narrative comes in refusing to believe that a person is at fault for her own singleness. This is one of the underlying assumptions in the flawed thinking we currently accept without question. Even as single people we've digested this and believe it to be true." (Joy Beth Smith, "Party of One")

Think for a moment about some of the responses we give when someone tells us about a desire they have marriage. Or, if you're single, maybe some of the responses you've received when you express a desire for marriage.

1. God will bring someone when you're ready.
2. Stop looking and God will bring someone.
3. If you desire it that much, then you must be making it an idol.

All of these responses do a couple of things. They make it out to be a problem the person desiring marriage has that is keeping them from getting married. They also imply that marriage is a promise for everyone and that we just have to get everything on our end in order to receive it.

Whether we mean them that way or not, they are hurtful responses. And they're simply not true.

This means we need to change the way we respond here.

What if we responded with empathy for the unmet desire?

What if we acknowledged that it must be hard rather than trying to offer advice?

As I close, I'm going to share one more quote from Joy Beth Smith's book, "Party of One: Truth, Longing, and the Subtle Art of Singleness."

"Honestly, it's crushing to live under the constant weight of unmet desires. It's hard to long for something you have little to no control over actually obtaining." (Joy Beth Smith)

These words are true and they need to be something we hold in mind as we listen to people talk about their unmet desires. I believe it would change the way we respond to one another in these conversations.