As I sat down in my seat, I felt the person behind me leaning forward with their hand out. I sat quietly, looking straight ahead, willing myself to breathe normally. Praying this person would just sit back and not push this interaction.
But, that wasn't going to happen this time. The hand moved uncomfortably close to my shoulder and they leaned in, right up to my ear . . . or, at least that's what it felt like.
I did my best to respond in a friendly way, but that night, I'd greeted as many people as I had it in me to greet. I was done and I just needed a bit of space.
As soon as I could after that, I headed for outside. I just needed some air and no people around me with expectations of how I would interact.
If you haven't figured it out, that situation occurred during the "greet the people around you and shake their hand" part of most church services. While it's never been my favourite part of a church service, sometimes those are the words I dread hearing come from the pastor or worship leaders' mouths. The part that can make me want to just skip church altogether some weeks. And other times, it's not really that big of a deal to me.
Every time I do say hi to someone and shake their hand, I'm worrying in my head about how they're seeing me in that moment. Is my handshake too strong or too weak? Did I actually smile at them? Was I clear and friendly in my words? What are they thinking about me?
Even as I write those words, I know how ridiculous they sound. But, for me, that's the reality of what social anxiety looks like. I know rationally that this isn't the big deal my brain is making it out to be to most people, but sometimes I don't seem to be able to interrupt the thought process with more rational thoughts. Or it takes all of the energy I have to do so and I have nothing left to give to interactions with other people.
Back to the situation from the start of this post: That particular evening at church, I had already reached my capacity for those interactions. I usually try to just quietly sit down and avoid further interactions at that point. I tried that on this evening and, unfortunately, it didn't happen that way.
I truely believe this other person had the best of intentions and definitely had no idea they were pushing me towards a panic attack. Thankfully, this time, I was able to return to the church service after a few minutes outside, but this isn't always the case.
I have no idea what went through the mind of the other person in this situation (although my anxiety brain tried to tell me it was full of judgement of me). I only saw the look on their face for a moment and they had no idea what was going on for me.
Here's what I do know: Having been on the other person's side of similar situations myself. Most of the time, maybe even all the time, it's nothing personal. There's something going on in their life that's making this more difficult for them. It's easy just to judge someone as rude or unfriendly, but I think we're better off being more gracious with each other.
How would it change your interactions in this situation if the thought in your head was that they're doing the best they can with what they have in that moment?
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