Sometimes it's Just not Funny . . .

. . . even if you meant it as a joke and I laughed in that moment.

I know you meant it as a joke, so I laughed a bit to cover what was really going on inside.

It wasn't the time or place to explain it. Maybe we were in a busy place. Maybe it was too loud for that kind of conversation. Maybe I didn't feel like I knew you well enough to speak up.

And, I honestly wasn't even sure I would be able to explain it then. In the midst of things, I lose my words and my ability to explain clearly, especially when I'm struggling with something.

What am I talking about?

A simple conversation I've had more times than I can count - in coffee shops and church foyers, in small groups and large groups, in planning meetings and in more casual settings.

When I say something about remembering to include those who are single and the response is something about making the inclusion about next time being ready for the part about marriage. When the way to include singles is suggested to be something about getting ready for or moving toward marriage.

I can see in your face and hear in your voice that you really do mean for this to be a joke. You want to have fun. So I'll often laugh along.

But, what you probably won't see is the hurt inside me. The way I'm struggling, once again, with feeling like I don't really belong The way I feel less than as woman at that moment.

And you won't see it because I'm terrified to let it show. I know many would say that I should let it show - that hiding doesn't help. I agree that hiding doesn't help, but, in that moment, being single has become a source of shame for me, and there's not way I'm going to let you know that.

Sometimes, it's just not funny, even if I laughed.

Actually, a more accurate way to say it: It's just not funny, even if I laughed. There's really no sometimes about it.

A valid concern I expressed about including everyone who might be there has been turned into a joke and then moved on from.

Let me be clear: I don't think it's intentional. I believe that most times when this happens, causing anyone hurt is absolutely the last thing the person who said it intends.

But good intentions don't change reality. They don't remove the pain.

I get it. When I've had the opportunity to pursue the topic later with someone, they've told me that because it's so far outside their own experience and experience of those closest to them, they don't know how to respond and feel awkward. And one of the ways we deal with things that make us awkward is to try to make it into a joke.

But, if making sure singles are included in things and talking about it makes us feel awkward, then we have a big problem. And it's not going to be fixed by making jokes about it.

The truth is, I feel awkward about having to say something about making sure singles are included too. In doing so, I'm likely making it clear to everyone in earshot that I'm the single person in the conversation and that's not always easy.

For some reason, the church today has lost sight of the singles in their midst. In each individual church, it looks different. And some do better than others at not forgetting about the singles in their midst. But as a whole we're missing it here - at least the North American evangelical church as a whole is. I wrote quite a bit about this topic in spring of 2019 ( here are a couple of posts on the topic what Scripture says about singleness - Part 1 & Part 2, why we need to talk about singleness, and is singleness a gift, along with many more you can find on my blog).

So, we're in the awkward moment, where I've said something and you're feeling the need to make a joke to cover up the awkwardness. What should you do instead?

Acknowledge the reality. Say you feel awkward. Ask questions about how to include all. If I included a suggestion, look for ways we can build on that together.

But, whatever you do, please don't turn it into a joke. I'll laugh in the moment, but not because I think it's funny. I'll laugh to hide what's really go on inside. To try to cover the shame I'm feeling because it feels like I don't belong. Like being single in the church is seen as less than or as just waiting and preparing for marriage.