The Post I've Avoided Writing a Few Times...

I've wrestled with writing this post.

I've started and deleted it many times since spring.

But I keep coming back to this topic, feeling like I need to write this.

For whatever reason I feel a bit hesitant to address this as I talk about friendship. And it's because I'm concerned about being misunderstood with this one. The fear or being misunderstood has kept me silent on this for too long.

The more I think about where I'm going with this post, the more I'm seeing that this is something that affects me as a single person (and my guess is other singles as well, though I haven't asked anyone) a little more than those who are married. Although I can't say for sure. But, I do see how some of the complexities at play here can have a disproportionate impact on me.

For those of you still reading this, I'm sure you wish I'd just get to my point. That I'd just say it finally. I have just one request before I do: Please read all of what comes next before you respond. I hope I will address many questions or objections you might have before I finish.

With that out of the way, here it goes . . .




Our friendships and community have to include those with the opposite sex. As a woman, I need there to be men in the circles of people around me. Obviously there are things about a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that are different and should always be. But, these are still needed.




Sometimes the perspective of someone God designed to see and think differently is needed. When God created us, He didn't make us all the same and we need each other's perspectives. We need space for that to happen and without some level of friendship, it can't happen.

This is why I sometimes wonder if my experience as a single person is different, at least sometimes. When a couple is friends with another couple there seems to be allowance for conversation to happen where those differing opinions are shared and encouraged.

Unforunately for me, I have experienced far more times when the conversation changes or evens stops because a friend's husband was around - leaving me feeling like because I'm single there can't be any kind of a conversation around him. Now, there are obviously some topics I wouldn't discuss in that situation. But on others, their thoughts and perspectives could be valuable for me. This isn't my experience currently, for which I'm very grateful, but it definitely has been in the past.

I think part of our problem here comes from the sexualized culture we live in. Before you think I'm talking about society outside the church, let me just be clear that I'm not. While it may look different, we have a sexualized culture in the church as well. Often a restrictive "follow the rules" one, rather than our culture's permissive "whatever feels good" one, but's there in our churches too.

I fear that what we've done, in the process, is create a group of people who are unable to understand or imagine what any level of friendship with the opposite sex looks like without it leading to sex. I like the way Gina Dalfonzo wrote it in her book One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church:

"It's not a bad thing to avoid the appearance of evil - the Bible instructs us to do so (1 Thess 5:22). But if a woman can't even stand next to a man in a room without breaking out in hives for fear that she's giving that appearance, something is off. It's all part and parcel of the hyperstrict, hyperlegalistic singles culture the church has created - the kind of culture that, I submit, is not what Christ had in mind for his followers."

The might seem like Dalfonzo is talking about extreme here, but it's more accurate than we would like to believe.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if some of this comes from the "purity culture" that was all around when I was growing up in church. Whether it was intended to or not, it made it seem as if it was impossible to have a friendship on any level with the opposite sex. And, in doing so, we've left a large group of single adults afraid of even having conversations with someone of the opposite sex - even when there's clearly nothing there. But, I think we're missing something we need with that.

So, the kind of friendship I'm talking about here is obviously not spending hours together alone talking. But, the kind where a conversation at a church event or in a small group setting is okay and not one worries about it. The kind where everything is in the open, but it is okay to talk.

Because, here's the thing, I'm lucky that I can go to my dad or my brother-in-law to get their perspective on something, but not every adult who is single has that. And they're family, so there's sometimes family stuff that gets in the way. I appreciate the other guys in my world I can have a conversation with - mostly the husbands of my good girl friends. And we all need that.