Unintended, Yet Unfair Assumptions We Make in Christian Circles

 I was working on a Bible study recently and ended up very frustrated by one of the questions. I had to chose not to get hung up on the way I was completely left out of the majority of the question in how it was worded. 

And it's far from the first time that has happened. It has happened over and over again.

The question in this study asked you to fill in the blanks for a couple of prompts. The first blank was about childhood. 

No problem.

The second blank, which I, perhaps naively, expected to be about young adulthood or adulthood in general, was specifically about marriage or a dating relationship. 

In just a few words on a page, I felt immediately excluded. I was frustrated. Angry even.

Why?

Because, once again, I was left feeling like I'm on the outside of the norm in Christian circles. Once again, I was in a situation where there was an assumption that everyone participating was married or in a serious dating relationship moving toward marriage. 

Once again, being single had no space. 

Now, before you tell me I'm over-reacting to a single question . . . let me remind you that this isn't a one off thing I deal with. Much of my world, especially the church world, treats me differently because I'm still single at almost 40 years old. I'm regularly ignored in sermons at church. I'm regularly left out of ideas for workshops or seminars that inevitably focus on marriage and parenting - or getting ready for these things if you're not already. 

I'm regularly told I don't fit in the norms of Christian circles.

Put yourself in my shoes for a bit and then look at this question again. It quickly becomes one more place where I'm put on the outside of the norm - where I'm different and don't fit.

I don't think this is done intentionally or maliciously. But, that does little to change the hurt it causes. Just because someone didn't remember that at least some of those working through the study would be single and wrote a question they weren't even aware would leave people out, doesn't mean it didn't hurt - that it doesn't hurt every time. It doesn't mean I didn't feel rejected again. And this is far from the only Bible study where I've had it come up.

So, what do we do?

We speak up and we listen to each other - really listen to hear what people are saying, not what we want to hear.

Those of us who are single need to keep telling people about how this unintentional, and at least sometimes, unfair, speech hurts. We have to tell of the pain, the frustration, the anger, the feelings of exclusion and rejection. Even if it feels like we're a broken record, repeating the same things over and over.

And we all need to learn to listen to each other. We need to listen to and try to understand the hurt. We need to listen to and try to understand the apologies and the questions from people who didn't know.