What We Really Need

 A recent Friday night involved a movie night with my sister and my niece. Even though I'm not someone who watches a lot of movies, there was something really enjoyable about settling in on the couch together with a bowl of popcorn to watch the movie.

We watched "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish". If you've watched any of the Shrek movies, then you'll be familiar with this character, who takes center stage in this movie.

Without giving away too much of the movie, it's about the pursuit of a wish and the challenges and obstacles to get there. And the people (well, fairy tale characters) along the way. As is typical for these types of movies, it's a "happily ever after" ending.

But, it was some of the things along the way that made me think. They reminded me of some very important things. That that are actually needed as we go through life and face what comes our way.

If you remember the character of Puss in Boots from the Shrek movies, you know he was very independent and claimed not to need anyone. But, this independent, push everyone away way of living has a cost. When things get hard, or there's opposition, he doesn't have anywhere or anyone to turn to - at least at first.

As I watched, I was struck by how often that is our story - how often it's my story. When things are going well, we push people away because we can do it on our own. We may not even realize we're doing so. 

And then we don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to when life gets hard. Or we do, but we're not in the habit of doing so, and it seems that much more difficult to do so. We feel like we have to keep quiet about it and keep looking like we have it all together.

Opposition comes and we're facing the battle alone.

Attacks from the enemy come and we're more susceptible because we're standing alone and exposed.

This isn't how we were meant to live. It's not what God intended.

What God created us for looks more like this:

Fear comes and we tell those walking with us. They help us walk through the fear. They encourage us, hold us up, remind us we can get through it.

Opposition comes and we have people around us who can fight for us and with us.

Attacks from the enemy come and we're protected because we stand with others. We have others around us who help protect our weak and vulnerable spots.

By the end of the movie, these lessons have been learned by Puss in Boots and the other characters along the journey. The care they have for one another is visible as they all "live happily ever after."

I know that real life doesn't always wrap up nicely like a movie, but the lesson are still the same.

Please Don't Touch me Without my Permission

 I don't know if I'm just more aware of it since the start of COVID and physical distancing, or if people are just different now, but in the last while I've felt like there's an increase in people just invading my personal space.

I'm not talking about people I know, who have my permission to get in my space. I learned in the last few years just how much I need that. We were made to have physical contact with others and I don't think I'll take that for granted ever again.

But, it feels like I've noticed an increase in the numbers of people I don't know or barely know wanting to give me a hug - particularly at church. And, when I politely say "no thanks", they're either offended or they just keep trying. Some week after week, until I feel myself backing away every time they get anywhere near where I am.

I assume the other person has good intentions. That they're not intentionally setting out to make me uncomfortable.

But, that doesn't change the facts that they are making me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in that moment.

For me, anything more than a handshake when greeting someone is reserved for my family and my friends, not every person I see at church. It it's an appropriate moment of prayer for someone and both people are okay with it, a hand on a  shoulder in prayer can be a good thing.

But, I struggle with those who push for a hug or unexpectedly touch my back or my shoulder. If I'm not giving permission for that, then it shouldn't be happening.

And I'm watching this happen with kids too. The number of times I've seen my niece have to deal with this in church too. Just because she's a kid doesn't mean she should be okay with it. In fact, her being a kid, means it should only be at her invitation. She gets to decide if she's okay with that.

We don't what a person we see at church, who isn't a close friend, may be dealing with or feeling in that moment. Whey may not be comfortable with physical touch in that moment, or touch from you, and we should be respecting that. If someone is uncomfortable with the hug, then we should respect that and give them the space - not take it personally.

Content & Still Have a Longing for Something DIfferent?

 Can you live an enjoyable life while still having an unfulfilled longing for something?

Is it possible for those to coexist in one person's life?

I've heard so many people express a feeling that they won't really be happy or content or joyful until a certain thing happens or they achieve a certain thing. Except, once they get there, the goal changes and they're still not happy or content or joyful.

Many of these conversations come with other single adults in the church. Or, with people who make assumptions about what life is like as a single Christian adult or about what someone else feels.

And it's something I've wrestled with in my own life. Is it possible to create a life that I love and am content with, while still longing for marriage and a family of my own one day? Can I really live like this, even if the longing if never fulfilled?

It took me a while to get to this point, but I believe the answer is yes. In fact, I think it's something we have to learn to do.

It doesn't mean we'll always do it perfectly, or that we won't have days where it feels impossible to do so. But we can do it and learn to keep doing it better.

While I'm single, I can have a job I love and find fulfilling. I can have great relationships and community with people . I can be involved in things at church that I enjoy and feel called to by God.

And, at the same time, I can long for something different.

While I relate this specifically to being single right now, it can apply to all of us as Christians. We can live lives fully engaged in what God calls us to do, all while we long for God's Kingdom to be fully established on earth. It's not always easy, but we have to learn to live in this tension.

Single People aren't a Threat to Your Marriage

 Have you ever felt like you were being excluded from a group because of one characteristic about you?

Hove you ever been part of an interaction and felt like someone wished you weren't there?

I think I'm safe to say we've all experienced that at times. Situations where we've felt excluded or pushed out.

Now let me ask you another question . . .

Hove you ever felt like you were see as a threat to something when you interacted with someone?

Even though most of us have some stories about being excluded, it doesn't seem to be quite as common an experience to actually be made to feel like you're a threat.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Unless you're a single adult in the church.

Then you can probably recount many stories of feeling like you're seen as a threat by someone. I know I quickly run out of fingers if I try to count it. And I've heard enough singles tell me the same thing to know my experience isn't unique.

For some reason in the church, single adults are often (not always or with everybody, but a lot) seen as a threat if they happen to have a conversation with someone who isn't the same gender as them. I'm talking about a conversation in the church lobby before or after a church service, or in some other public place where it is generally appropriate to have a conversation with many different people. Yet, somehow, we see this as a threat if one of the people involved in the conversation is single.

And it hurts.

And it ostracizes people.

It pushes people out of the community God designed us for and into deeper isolation.

As a single woman, I'm not going around seeing every man as a potential relationship leading to marriage. I'm not seeing them as really close personal friends. I want your marriage to be strong, to be God-honouring.

In short, my singleness doesn't make me a threat to your marriage.

Just because I talk to your husband at church doesn't mean I'm going to want to go for coffee with him or spend time at your house without both of you there. I'm not going to cross those boundaries. 

And it hurts that you assume I will.

What if, instead of seeing single people as a threat to marriages in the church, we saw them as people? People in need of community - with other men and women. 

What if we sought to build community so that everyone, regardless of their marital status, was welcome and  at home and felt comfortable in the space?