As I was writing in a coffee shop a couple weeks ago, I had a brief conversation with the person at the table next to me. They asked why I was writing this series.
I explained that these things are unhelpful to everyone in the conversation and they make the single person in the conversation feel like there's something wrong with them or they're doing something wrong.
The response I got was another thing that we need to stop saying. This is something we need to stop saying in any situation - not just in conversations with singles.
"You just need to stop taking things so personally."
In my opinion, this is one of the most unhelpful things we can say to anyone ever.
In these nine words, we cause more hurt and pain than we often understand. We dismiss the very valid feelings and struggles of the person. We minimize the challenges of the person we say it to.
It is completely true that there are times when we take things much more personally than they were meant. We read too much into the other person's words. We take on an interpretation they never meant.
But, even in these situations, telling someone not to take it personally just makes it hurt more. We would be better served to acknowledge that the person was hurt by what we said, even if we don't understand why it was such a big deal to them. And then, if opportunity affords it, to have a further conversation for both sides to understand each other better.
A better response to someone when we what we're saying is not as big a deal as they seem to think it is, would be to ask them to explain more. Not just say "why," but let them know you want to understand better - that you care enough about them as a person to listen to what they have to say.
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