The Post I've Avoided Writing a Few Times...

I've wrestled with writing this post.

I've started and deleted it many times since spring.

But I keep coming back to this topic, feeling like I need to write this.

For whatever reason I feel a bit hesitant to address this as I talk about friendship. And it's because I'm concerned about being misunderstood with this one. The fear or being misunderstood has kept me silent on this for too long.

The more I think about where I'm going with this post, the more I'm seeing that this is something that affects me as a single person (and my guess is other singles as well, though I haven't asked anyone) a little more than those who are married. Although I can't say for sure. But, I do see how some of the complexities at play here can have a disproportionate impact on me.

For those of you still reading this, I'm sure you wish I'd just get to my point. That I'd just say it finally. I have just one request before I do: Please read all of what comes next before you respond. I hope I will address many questions or objections you might have before I finish.

With that out of the way, here it goes . . .




Our friendships and community have to include those with the opposite sex. As a woman, I need there to be men in the circles of people around me. Obviously there are things about a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that are different and should always be. But, these are still needed.




Sometimes the perspective of someone God designed to see and think differently is needed. When God created us, He didn't make us all the same and we need each other's perspectives. We need space for that to happen and without some level of friendship, it can't happen.

This is why I sometimes wonder if my experience as a single person is different, at least sometimes. When a couple is friends with another couple there seems to be allowance for conversation to happen where those differing opinions are shared and encouraged.

Unforunately for me, I have experienced far more times when the conversation changes or evens stops because a friend's husband was around - leaving me feeling like because I'm single there can't be any kind of a conversation around him. Now, there are obviously some topics I wouldn't discuss in that situation. But on others, their thoughts and perspectives could be valuable for me. This isn't my experience currently, for which I'm very grateful, but it definitely has been in the past.

I think part of our problem here comes from the sexualized culture we live in. Before you think I'm talking about society outside the church, let me just be clear that I'm not. While it may look different, we have a sexualized culture in the church as well. Often a restrictive "follow the rules" one, rather than our culture's permissive "whatever feels good" one, but's there in our churches too.

I fear that what we've done, in the process, is create a group of people who are unable to understand or imagine what any level of friendship with the opposite sex looks like without it leading to sex. I like the way Gina Dalfonzo wrote it in her book One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church:

"It's not a bad thing to avoid the appearance of evil - the Bible instructs us to do so (1 Thess 5:22). But if a woman can't even stand next to a man in a room without breaking out in hives for fear that she's giving that appearance, something is off. It's all part and parcel of the hyperstrict, hyperlegalistic singles culture the church has created - the kind of culture that, I submit, is not what Christ had in mind for his followers."

The might seem like Dalfonzo is talking about extreme here, but it's more accurate than we would like to believe.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if some of this comes from the "purity culture" that was all around when I was growing up in church. Whether it was intended to or not, it made it seem as if it was impossible to have a friendship on any level with the opposite sex. And, in doing so, we've left a large group of single adults afraid of even having conversations with someone of the opposite sex - even when there's clearly nothing there. But, I think we're missing something we need with that.

So, the kind of friendship I'm talking about here is obviously not spending hours together alone talking. But, the kind where a conversation at a church event or in a small group setting is okay and not one worries about it. The kind where everything is in the open, but it is okay to talk.

Because, here's the thing, I'm lucky that I can go to my dad or my brother-in-law to get their perspective on something, but not every adult who is single has that. And they're family, so there's sometimes family stuff that gets in the way. I appreciate the other guys in my world I can have a conversation with - mostly the husbands of my good girl friends. And we all need that.

We Need Community

How do you define your community?

Who makes up your community?

Is it only your close friends? Or does it extend beyond that?

Are those in your community all just like you? Or is it more diverse?

Community is one of those words with multiple meanings. It can be used to speak of people in the same geographical area. Or it can be used to describe the group of people we walk through life with.

If you didn't figure it out from the questions I asked, I'm talking about the second use of it in this post.

As I've studied more on friendship, I've realized that community and our understanding of it is important. Community is related to friendship, but I see them as two different, yet overlapping, things.

Friendship often arises out of a common interest or life stage or other thing that draws us to get to know each other and invest time and energy to spend time together. While there are times when we choose when it doesn't seem natural, for most of my friendships, there has still be something that makes both people want to pursue the friendship.

Community is a little broader. Of course, it still includes our friends, but it's a bigger group too. One where we know each other and walk through life together, but we might not always have quite the same level of personal investment. There is a difference between the friend we call and share the details of our struggle with and cry with, and the people around us who know we're facing something and will pray for us but don't know the details of it.. That's the kind of difference I'm trying to explain here.

I read something in a book that really challenged me on this topic:

"Community is only as rich and deep as it is diverse. When we limit ourselves to a whole bunch of people who are exactly like us, we're limiting the refining power of community to not only meet needs but to sanctify." (Joy Beth Smith, Party of One)

Our circle of friends will likely be made of people we choose to be around. But, if we look at our community, it may include some people who we need in our lives, and who may be very different from us in some ways, yet God uses them in our lives.

I could give lots of examples of what things with my friends look like. The conversations over coffee. The games that regularly get paused for deep conversations and prayer when something comes up. The people I text when my anxiety is rising and I can't explain it in the moments, but I know I can text and they'll pray. The people where we look at the time and realize it's way later than we thought - that we completely lost track of the time.

But, I can also point to examples of what community looks like. The most obvious being church - a room full of people choosing to do life together in some way, although we don't know each other deeply. Many of my other examples occur within church. The weekly women's Bible study I'm part of - we all come from different places and backgrounds, but we choose to spend a couple hours a week together to study Scriptures and pray.

Coworkers would be another example. We know each other to varying degrees and walk with each other through much lives. We share day-to-day life, but we may not always talk deeply about things.

So, let me leave you with the questions I opened this post with:

How do you define your community?

Who makes up your community?

Is it only your close friends? Or does it extend beyond that?

Are those in your community all just like you? Or is it more diverse?

I Don't Want to be Pitied

As I write this, it's less than a week until a day on the calendar that brings mixed feelings. By the time I share this post with those of you reading it, it will be only a few days away.

February 14. Valentine's Day.

Sometimes it feels like just another day. No different than any other day. It doesn't seem like there's anything special. I don't even notice the day.

Other times, it's the day I most want to avoid on the calendar. It seems like it's little more than a day to point out that I'm single - that on the day where couples and love are celebrated, I have neither.

But my mixed feelings about it, don't really matter. It happens anyways. And for this week, I'll see red and pink and hearts and flowers everywhere.

Over the years Valentine's Day has caused some interesting interactions with cashiers, servers, acquaintances - especially when they find out I'm single.

There's one part of those interactions that has always bothered me and left me wondering why. It seems like more often than not, one of the first reactions has been pity. Pity that I'm single on this day. Pity that I don't fall into the expected of that day, by having someone to spend it with.

Things happen like they did a few years ago. It was a year where I completely forgot about Valentine's Day. All I knew was that I didn't want to cook that night, so I headed to a favourite restaurant . . . alone. It took only a few minutes after walking in to realize what day it was, but by then it was too late and I was seated at a table. I was probably the only person in that section of the restaurant by myself. While you could say I had really good service that night, what it kind of felt like was pity. Like the server I had felt sorry for me that I was alone that night.

Here's the thing, I don't want to be pitied for being single on Valentine's Day. If I was honest, I'd rather be with someone - not just on that day but everyday. But, just because I'm single, doesn't mean I need pity.

I'm choosing to live my life the fullest I can with the circumstances I currently have. Whatever the reality is each day, I will live the life God gives me to live. And, rather than your pity, what I'd prefer is friendship - real relationship.

The Most Important Part of Friendship

"I don't have time to get involved in that group."
"I'm too busy to spend time with others."
"I would have people over, but my house isn't good/spacious/nice/etc enough for that."

How many times have you said things like this? Or something similar to them?

Maybe you stopped with just saying you didn't have time or if you were too busy, but how would you have finished those statements if you actually completed the thought?

I've said all of those things at different times.

But, guess what?

All of them are just excuses not to try.

Maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but I think it's true. When we really want to do something, we make time. We also make time when it's something we really need to do.

So, the same thing is true about making time for friendship, for community. It we really understood our need for it, we would make the time. If we really desire it, we will make the time.

I think part of our problem, is that we think it needs to complicated.

But, the truth is, it's simple.

All it takes is time.

It doesn't have to be complicated or fancy. And it doesn't have to have a cost.

The only requirement is time.

The best times I've had with friends have been the simplest.

In his book 7 Myths About Singleness Sam Allberry, talks about the simplicity of it this way:

"We must never underestimate what can be achieved for the kingdom of God around the kitchen table. It is a place God loves to use."

Some of the best times I've had with my friends have happened sitting around the table. The food on the table didn't matter, because that wasn't the important part. Sometimes the game that was on the table didn't matter, because that wasn't the important part either.

The important part was that we were together. We were taking time to be together, to build friendship with each other.