Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 7)

 "You won't understand because you're single or don't have kids."

These words inevitably come when someone is talking about a reality they're facing that relates to marriage or kids.

I won't argue that there are parts of the situation I may not understand because I haven't experienced it myself. But, it's like that in almost everything in life. Even if I don't completely understand everything, I can still listen, ask questions, and pray.

The ironic thing is these words are often said by people who feel they can speak into and understand my world, even though they haven't experienced things exactly the way I have. It almost comes across that because someone is married and/or has kids, they automatically have wisdom and insight into all of life, that a single person can't possibly have.

Can I be blunt for a moment?

If you got married in your twenties and had kids soon after, your experience of singleness was nothing like mine is as I enter my forties as a single person. Your experience doesn't compare. My own experience of singleness in my twenties doesn't compare to what it is now.

But, that also doesn't mean I'm going to discount anything you say or assume you won't understand anything at all. That difference may mean I'll filter some of your advice or thoughts through my experience and I may challenge your thoughts sometimes. 

I'll approach it with the thought that your own experiences may help me see things I'm missing if I stay limited to only my own experience. Sometimes someone completely outside our experience sees something we can't and helps us to understand something better. That's how God intended for things to work when He created us to need each other.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 6)

 As I was writing in a coffee shop a couple weeks ago, I had a brief conversation with the person at the table next to me. They asked why I was writing this series.

I explained that these things are unhelpful to everyone in the conversation and they make the single person in the conversation feel like there's something wrong with them or they're doing something wrong. 

The response I got was another thing that we need to stop saying. This is something we need to stop saying in any situation - not just in conversations with singles.

"You just need to stop taking things so personally."

In my opinion, this is one of the most unhelpful things we can say to anyone ever.

In these nine words, we cause more hurt and pain than we often understand. We dismiss the very valid feelings and struggles of the person. We minimize the challenges of the person we say it to.

It is completely true that there are times when we take things much more personally than they were meant. We read too much into the other person's words. We take on an interpretation they never meant.

But, even in these situations, telling someone not to take it personally just makes it hurt more. We would be better served to acknowledge that the person was hurt by what we said, even if we don't understand why it was such a big deal to them. And then, if opportunity affords it, to have a further conversation for both sides to understand each other better.

A better response to someone when we what we're saying is not as big a deal as they seem to think it is, would be to ask them to explain more. Not just say "why," but let them know you want to understand better - that you care enough about them as a person to listen to what they have to say.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 5)

 "If you just stop desiring marriage, you'll find the person to marry."

I can't count the number of times I've been told this, because it's happened so often. And never in a helpful way; instead, always in response to me simply expressing the fact that I would like to be married one day.

I'm not sure how simply acknowledging that desire is a bad thing. If marriage is something created by God, then how can having a desire for it be wrong?

I'm not talking about being obsessed with the desire. There may be some occasions where the person is obsessed with getting married that they do need to surrender that desire to God. But, my experience says that this is exceedingly rare. Most singles who desire marriage are far from obsessed with it.

When it comes to relationships, it seems like we tell people not have a desire for anything and definitely not pursue it. But, in any other area of life, we tell people to go after what they want. It really makes no sense that we do this.

Saying this assumes a lot about the motives of some's life. Unless you know the person really well, you likely don't have enough relationship to not make assumptions. And most people who have said this to me didn't know me well enough to actually know if I was obsessed with getting married or not.

Even if someone does need to surrender this desire, that conversation is best and will most likely be heard if it happens in the context of a friendships with someone who has taken the time to get to know them and care about their lives. The acquaintance or stranger at church is not going to have an effective conversation about it. And the passing comment is just going to bring a defensive response.

Things We Need to Stop Saying (Part 4)

 "You don't have anyone at home waiting for you, so should be the one to fill that need. You have time."

This one I really wish I'd never heard, but I've heard it in some form on more than one occasion.

I believe there's a couple of reasons why we need to stop saying this. First, it often ignores the gifts and abilities of the person it's said to. The place where there's a need to be filled may be something that the single person knows they won't do well, and may even dread.

For example, I've had people push me towards volunteering in kid's ministry because of need. There's just one big problem with that . . . I don't particularly like kids. I love my niece and will do things with her, but generally I don't like spending time with kids. I would make a terrible kid's ministry volunteer because I'd be dreading it and counting the minutes til I was done. It's actually better if the space is left open for someone who likes kids even a little bit, than for me to fill it.

The second reason why we need to stop saying this is because of the assumptions about the time a single person has that it makes. Yes, it's true that there's no one waiting for me to get home. But, that also means I'm the only one to do everything at home. Instead of having another person to share in the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and other household tasks, I do all of that on my own. That takes up a large portion of the time I have that comes from no one else being at home.

The problem with saying this really comes down to the assumptions being made about another person and their life, just based on the external facts you see. We get ourselves in dangerous territory when we do this with any person for any reason.