When You Feel on the Outside

 It was another one of those moments when I felt like I didn't really belong. No one said it. No one was trying to make me feel that way. But, in that moment, it's what I felt.

I was sitting around the lunch room table with my coworkers for our usual Friday morning coffee and donuts. Conversation and laughter was plentiful. But, on that day I felt like I was sitting outside of the group, eavesdropping on a conversation I wasn't a part of. A conversation I couldn't be part of.

Most days, the fact that I'm single and have no kids doesn't matter. The reality that I'm the only one in the office without a spouse or kids isn't noticed or mentioned. And it didn't come up on this Friday either - at least not in anything any of my coworkers said.

But, for me, that was all I could of that day. As stories about things they'd done with their families or that their kids had done or said were shared, I felt completely outside of the conversation. I didn't have any of that to share. I'd spent my evenings for the last week sitting at home alone. And I sometimes secretly wondered if others got tired of all my contributions being about my niece.

The experience I had that morning left me thinking about things. I've written a lot in the last few years about singles and the church, about what the Bible actually says about singleness, and about friendship as a single person. But, I've never really written about what it looks like at work.

Maybe because, in some ways, my work environment is different from most others because I work for a Christian organization.

But, I think it's more because I was hoping that there was one place in my life where being single didn't impact things. Except, being single and not having kids is part of who I am regardless of the setting. 

So, what is my point? Conclusion? The reason why I wrote this?

It really has little to do with work. It's about the moments when you feel like you're on the outside, eavesdropping on a conversation. And how that can sometimes feel as a single person.

Even though we don't want to always be focusing on our differences in groups of various kinds. It's worth taking time to be aware that not everyone in the group has the same set of circumstances in life. Regardless of the similarities that brought you together, there are differences and it is helpful to be aware of that.

There are times when being sensitive to other's lives in conversation is important. Being aware gives us grace for the moments when someone feels like they're outside the conversation. Most of the time, there's no intention by anyone to make someone feel like they don't fit in the conversation. It happens without planning and no one is aware of it except for the person who feels that way.

Sometimes it may be something as simple as shifting the conversation for a while. When you notice someone has gone quiet or seems to be disengaging from the conversation, that could be a sign it's time to change the topic for a bit.

It comes down to making sure that everyone feels cared about. Taking the time to acknowledge all the people present - even the quiet ones.

That Friday morning conversation with my coworkers, changed for me when one of my coworkers asked a question about something they knew I was doing with my niece. In that simple question, I no longer felt like I was outside the conversation, or that no one there wanted to hear more about my niece. 

It really can be that simple. But, it means we have to be paying attention and be aware of what people are experiencing.

When We Just Need a Hug

 We're living in a world where hugs, handshakes, pats on the back seem like distant memories.

I wrote a post a little over a year ago talking about why hugs are so important as a single person. Really it was about why people getting physically close to us is important. 

Lamenting the sudden lack of physical touch and the need it revealed.

Now that we're two years into this new reality, it's something that has come up again. While it might not feel quite as taboo to be close enough to someone to touch them at this point, the rules have still changed. There's a hesitancy. A constant need to ask a question first.

And I get it. I understand. Some people still aren't comfortable with it. Some people never were and are enjoying the way it is now better. I always want to be respectful of people and where they're at.

But, here's the other side - from someone who has been living it for two years.

I need that hug.

I need that hand on my shoulder.

I need that person who gets closer to me than 2 meters away.

My new reality has become that I can easily go 3 to 4 days without anyone getting anywhere close to me. And the only regular hug I can count on getting comes every time I see my niece.

I feel the lack of it. 

I feel it in the tension in my shoulders that has become the norm.

I feel it in the increased irritability that seems to always be there.

And I feel it in the positive effects when I do receive a hug. When the tension and irritability seem to soften for a bit.

As I've been reading through the gospels lately, I've noticed something I'd never really paid attention to before. When Jesus healed people, He almost always touched them in the process. His words alone were powerful enough to heal them. He didn't need to put His hands on them. Yet, He most often did.

Why?

I think Jesus knew the healing and restoring power of physical touch. He saw these people requesting healing ad He knew they need more than just the removal of the disease or physical infirmity. He saw the pain and suffering caused by being outside of community and He healed that too.

We also see Jesus prioritizing healthy physical touch when people were bringing their children to Him and His disciples tried to send parents away. Jesus stopped His disciples and made the children coming to Him important.

Jesus' ministry show us an example of physical touch in healthy ways being important. And, now, we live in a society where it's been pushed aside, where the rules for it have change significantly. But, our need for it hasn't changed.

So, what do we do now? How do we more forward?

As things shift again, we need to make space for those who are comfortable with it and need it, to get those hugs again, to have someone actually sit beside them.

Because I know the difference hug makes. I just experienced in a surprise, short visit with a friend.

A Post About Dating . . . Maybe?

 Dating as an older Christian single.

I never expected to be writing those words or using them to describe myself. While I'm still younger than many, I'm no longer in the age group that almost all writing on Christian dating is aimed at.

In Christian circles, it seems that all dating advice is aimed at high school and college-aged people. And when I read it as someone nearing 40, it doesn't connect with or relate to where I'm at. And things that are part of the world for older Christian singles aren't even mentioned. 

I feel incredibly unqualified to even attempt to write about this topic. I'm not an expert. I actually haven't been on a date in almost 10 years - something that I wonder if is, in part, affected by some of the ways dating as a Christian has been viewed or taught.

But, as I think more about what it means to be a single Christian adult in the church today, this is a topic that can't be ignored. As the number of singles in our churches grows, we need to talk about it more.

When I mentioned that the number of single people in our churches was growing to someone a few months ago, they commented that it should make it easier to meet someone at church now. A logical assumption. But, not a true assumption.

When I'm sitting in church on a Sunday morning, there's no way to know who else might be single. And the way we structure our adult ministries at church means the chances of every knowing are pretty slim. I would never say that things at church should be all about meeting people to date. I don't want that to dominate my mind. But, if I'm looking for a Christian man, then it does seem logical that it would be easier to meet them at church - even though that's not the case in my experience.

In most churches I know of, adult ministries fall into one of three categories: men, women, and married. Some churches may have something for single parents or those who have been divorced. Those are great places to focus ministries and reach many people. But, as a single Christian woman, I only fit into one of those categories, that means Sunday morning services are the only time I could possibly get to know anyone besides other women.

Don't get me wrong. We need men's ministries, women's ministries, and married's ministries. They're important. We need ministries to single parents and those dealing with the fall out from divorce. They're needed.

But what about singles who haven't been married and don't have kids? Where do we go? Where so we belong?

Some women's ministries do better than others at welcoming single women. I'm thankful my church does. But, sometimes we can unintentionally set up women's ministry to revolve around being a good wife and/or a good mother, that leaves a growing number of women out.

I have many conversations with people at church who are inquiring if I'm still single and expressing hope that one day I'll get married. That's something I'd like too, but I don't know how it will happen when I don't even know where or how I'd meet someone.

As far as a post on dating, this probably didn't go in the direction you were expecting - so, thank you for keeping on reading. It's not exactly where I thought it was going either. But, I'm beginning to see it as the place we have to start.

Not every person who is single in our churches is interested in dating or wants to get married. But, it might be worth reflecting on how we can allow space in our adult ministries for people to meet each other - not making it the focus, but space for it to happen in the midst of all else, in things that aren't just geared for young adults.