God's Peace When Life Isn't Peaceful

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the LORD, the LORD is the Rock eternal." (Isaiah 26:3-4)

I've found myself turning to these verses regularly in the last while. A reminder that peace comes from God, and that it's not based on my circumstances.

As 2019 draws to a close and a new year begins, I know a number of people who are facing circumstances that feel anything but peaceful. And that is my own circumstances as well. 2019 was a hard year for lots of people - likely including many of you reading this, as it was for me.

As I write this, I'm looking at the chalkboard I have hanging by my chair - the one where the word God gave me for 2019 is written. The word written on that chalkboard:

PEACE

When I reflect on 2019, it doesn't seem like a year with much, if any, peace. At least when you look at the circumstances of 2019.

But, as I think more about it and as I've learned more about peace over the last 12 months, I've realized that peace isn't about my circumstances. It's not about what happens.

The peace that God has in mind when He gave me this word for 2019 and the peace talked about in Isaiah 26:3-4, isn't based on circumstances. It's a peace that comes in the middle of often challenging circumstances. It's a peace that comes when we choose to surrender and trust when things don't make any sense.

In Isaiah 9, we are told that Jesus would be called the Prince of Peace when He came. It sounds great and beautiful. And it's true - He is the Prince of Peace.

But, the circumstances Jesus was born into and lived in, were anything but peaceful. One only has to read Matthew 2 and the events around the wise men coming and their conversation with King Herod to know the violence and upheaval that was the time Jesus came to earth. The Prince of Peace wasn't born into a peaceful world.

And He didn't live and minister in a peaceful world either. The truth is, there are times when I look at the way Jesus spoke and ministered and it doesn't seem to jive with the idea of Him being the Prince of Peace.

But, that is why the peace God speaks of isn't based on circumstances or on things making sense to us. The peace God speaks of comes in the midst of trial, in the midst of pain, in the midst of confusion.

I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. Putting words to this part of what I've learned over 2019 is proving more difficult than I thought. But it's something that's different than what we usually think of as peace.

As 2019 comes to an end and I move into 2020, my prayer for all is that we would continue to experience God's peace and understand more of what it means. The Prince of Peace has come and He is with us, no matter what we're walking through. His peace is not dependent on our circumstances or on what our world tells us what it is. We do not walk alone. The Prince of Peace goes with us.

The Inevitable Question I Get More Often in December

"When you are going to get married?"
"Why aren't you married yet?"
"Are you looking to get married?"

I get these questions, or some form of them, through out the year from a variety of well-meaning of people. But, for some reason, the frequency increases at this time of year. I'm not sure why people feel an increased need to ask these questions at this time of year, but they do.

For a long time, these questions frustrated me and even made me mad sometimes. I often tried to shut down the conversation that included these questions as quickly as possible so I could escape. The truth was, the question often hurt too and I wanted to escape the pain.

It's not that those who ask these questions are trying to hurt to me. For almost all of them, I know they truly love me and want the best for me. But, that doesn't change the fact that constantly being asked hurts.

Why does it hurt? Where is the pain coming from?

As I've taken time to reflect, I've realized that it's not about the question. It's not about the person asking the question.

It's about the unspoken implication behind the question. That's what hurts.

Whether it's something the asker is conscious of or not, the question implies that my life is incomplete if I'm still single. And that my focus as a single person should be finding someone to marry. I'm left feeling like none of the other things in my life, that I love and that God has given me to do, matter as much as this one thing.

Now, some reading this might think I'm taking that too far, but I would say I'm not. Let me explain.

Think of someone in your life who you don't see all the time - more than once a year, but not a weekly, or even monthly basis. Now think of something in your life that you really desire (a God-honouring desire) that seems to always be just outside your reach. Picture that every time you see this person, the first question, and sometimes the only question, they ask is about this desire and why you don't have it yet. How do you begin to react to that over time? How does that leave you feeling?

That's what being asked the questions I opened this post with is like.

What I do have, and anyone has, is a choice in how to respond. You can choose to shut down and escape the conversation to try to avoid feeling the hurt as I have often done. But, maybe there is a better way.

Like so many things, we actually have to begin with acknowledging that it hurts. Once I realized the hurt, I was able to change how I handled the situation.

How I respond really depends on the kind of relationship I have with the person asking. Some, I can be very direct with and explain the truth of how their question lands with me. Some, it's just a quick answer and moving on. And some, it's just not worth going there - not that I'm rude, but I end the conversation pretty quickly.

So, my advice to those who have single adults in their circles, don't continually ask them these questions. Don't bring it up around the table at family dinner and put them on the spot in front of the rest of the family. Don't ask only about whether they're married or not.

What to do? Talk about all parts of life. If you are wondering and do ask, make sure it's not the only thing you talk about in conversation with them. Respect the person if they clearly don't want to talk about it - don't push the issue. Get to know them as a whole person - not just about their marital status.

Navigating Christmas Parties Alone

December is here.

And with it comes Christmas parties, family gatherings, New Year's parties, and many other gatherings. Lots of it is fun and joyful.

But, as a single adult, it also brings some different challenges, or maybe just highlights some existing challenges that seem to fade into the background the other eleven months of the year.

As I was thinking about what I was going to write about over this season, I had a lot of ideas about where I could go with things. But, the one that kept rising to the surface was talking about some of these challenges. I've been writing about singles in the church for a while, so this seemed a fitting direction to go for this Christmas season.

The first challenge I'm going to talk about . . . going alone to Christmas parties, especially work ones.

From January to November, I can go to work gatherings of all kinds on my own and it doesn't seem to be an issue. But, the work Christmas party in December always seems to be different somehow.

It starts with the invite: "You and your spouse/significant other are invited . . ." Right away, I know I'm going alone. Other work gatherings throughout the year will say: "you and a guest are invited" but not the Christmas party. For some reason this ones seems to specify couples only, so I know I'm going alone.

Then comes the arrival at the party and finding a seat. Honestly, this is my least favourite part. All the tables are set up to be filled by couples with an even number of seats, so when I take a seat I'm messing that up. And there's always the thought in the back of my mind that worries about messing things up for the people that arrive after me. If the room is already filling up, then there can even be unspoken, yet clearly there, pressure for the single people not to take a seat until all the couples have.

And finally, there's the small talk at the table as you meet you co-worker's spouses - either for the first time or as a re-introduction. Answering the question of whether you're with someone or not endlessly, or at least it feels like it's endlessly. We identify ourselves by this questions so often we ask it of most people we meet and have any length of conversation with. There's nothing wrong this question, but it does somehow feel more painful to answer at a Christmas party than at other social gatherings.

Now we've made it to dinner and hopefully most or all of the awkwardness of going single to the work Christmas party is over. Although I have been in situations where it's not yet over - thankfully those times are quite rare.

So, how can single people prepare for going alone to the work Christmas party?

Be honest with yourself about you feel. Then choose to go and have a good time no matter what.

How can everyone at a Christmas party make it less awkward for those coming alone?

The first and probably the one thing that makes a big difference: If at all possible, don't set up the room so that all the tables have exactly the same number of seats at them with just barely enough seats for everyone. Leave space for those coming alone to not worry they're making a couple sit separated from one another when they choose their seat.

Second, when your co-worker who is coming alone joins your table, make the conversation about more than just marriage and include them in the conversation intentionally.

Finally, if you're involved in planning activities or games for the party, please avoid things that put people into couples for it. Even if I'm with another single co-worker and we pair up for it, it's still going to obvious that we're not a couple. Yes, I've had this one happen once. After a few minutes, there was an exodus of those who were single from the room - and it felt like no one noticed us.

It really comes down to something I've said often in my recent posts, it's about having grace for one another on both sides and seeking to understand as best you can.

Beyond the Categories we Use

"What if we in the church saw each other not as people in different categories from us but as fellow human beings with needs - basic needs like comfort, affirmation, and encouragement - we could help fulfill? What would our lives and churches look like then?"
(Gina Dalfonzo, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church)

These questions challenged me to think and to dream in the couple of months since I finished this book.

What would it look like if we did this well?

Or, even if we attempted to do this and stumbled along the way?

So often it's easy to draw lines around age or marital status and segregate people into groups based on this. And there is space for this . . . sometimes!

But, I think that, overwhelmingly, we need to crossing those line and forming relationships with people who aren't just like us.

It takes work.

It takes grace.

It takes being willing to have sometimes difficult conversations.

Most importantly, it takes time and being willing to listen. Rather than make assumptions about what people need, want, or feel, we need to stop and listen to what they're saying and then respond the best way we know how. This take investment - it requires time and our energy.

But the rewards are big. Our world grows.

And we often find friends in those places we least expected to.

One of the biggest reasons I've heard for why people only want friends who are just like them if that other people don't understand what it's like if their lives are different. But, as Gina Dalfonzo writes, speaking specifically of friendship between married people and single people:

"You don't have to understand everything your single friends are going through. The truth is, you can't fully understand it, any more than they can understand what you're going through . . . Yet, that doesn't mean you can't be friends." (One by One)

Being able to completely understand everything isn't a requirement for friendship.

A little later in her book, Dalfonzo writes:

"To be thoroughly understood, to talk with someone who's been where you are and really gets it, is a wonderful and valuable thing. But it's not a necessary element of friendship, or even of kindness and respect. . . . We need people in our lives who understand us. . . . But we also need people who are coming from different backgrounds, stages of life, and points of view. We need these people to help us broaden our perspective, look at life from different angles, and get out of our comfortable shell. And they need us too." (One by One)

I'm really glad for the friends I have who get things without me having to explain it - the friends who understand easily. I've written about the need for this recently. We need that.

But, just as much, I appreciate the friends I have whose lives on the surface look very different from mine. I need them too. Often their perspective on things is different and it helps me see what I've missed.

When we draw lines based on surface things to separate, we miss out on this. And when all our friends are the same as us, we also miss out on the beauty of having people who do truly understand. If that's all we know, we don't place the same value on it. We need both friends who understand because their lives are quite similar and friends who don't the same way because their lives are different.

What Can I Do?

What can I do?

How can I fix things?

These questions, or some variation of them, are the most common questions I've been getting recently from people, mostly married, who have read at least some of what I've been writing.

I've tried to offer practical suggestions as I've gone, but sometimes I haven't had a specific answer for what I've written. I'm still not sure I do, but I've come to one conclusion that applies universally to all of this. Really, it applies to any interaction with any person in our lives.

Before I get there though, I want to address an unspoken and probably unrealized implication of these questions. Asking about doing or fixing makes it sound like a project of some kind. Like there's some sort of "one-size-fits-all" solution out there that just has to be applied and everything I've written about will just go away.

Guess what? That solution doesn't exist . . . because this is about people and relationships, not projects to fix or complete.

Gina Dalfonzo puts it into words better than I could:

"Single people aren't projects to be fixed. We're fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, making the journey through life alongside the rest of the church, and dealing with a set of circumstances and experiences that take a lot of grace and strength to handle - which can't always be easily fixed with advice, scolding or rules." (One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church)

I\m not sure that first sentence can be emphasized enough: "Single people aren't projects to be fixed." Approaching things this way doesn't help - it actually hurts all involved.

So, maybe, instead of "what can I do" or "how can I fix it" we need to ask a completely different question. One that goes beyond just looking for a solution and gets to the heart of the relationship and community aspects all of what I've been writing is really all about.

Maybe the better question is actually:

What do we all need to do differently on our part to move through these challenges?

The answer is really not that hard to say. But, living it actually proves to be much more difficult.

Dalfonzo writes:

"If I could take one guess at what the single person is your pew might say to you, given the opportunity, I would guess that it's this: listen. Please listen. Take the time to ask questions, to let the person answer, to hear without judging or jumping in with canned Christian formulas or buzzwords." (One by One)

Listen.

Ask questions.

Don't just look for the quickest advice you could give. Most of the time, advice isn't even necessary.

It's really as simple and as difficult as that.

When I'm in a conversation with some and I say something about being lonely, I'm not looking for advice or instruction on what I should do to change that. And I'm definitely not looking for advice on how to find someone to marry so "I'm not lonely anymore." I don't need to be told that I should be content with life right now.

In that moment, I'm just looking for someone to acknowledge that I feel that way and that it's hard. I just need someone to care. If you can make plans with me to do something to help with that feeling of loneliness, great, that's bonus I'll always appreciate. But, if you just listen and acknowledge how I feel, you've done more than most. And it makes a bigger difference than quoting Scripture or other people's advice at me.

I have a few friends who are really good at listening, asking questions, and caring. They're the ones I'm going to reach out to what I've struggling with some of the things I've written about recently. And I hope I do anywhere near as well as they do when they're coming to me with a struggle they're having that I may not have experienced.

Listening is key. It's where we have to start. It's what we have to keep doing. It really is the answer to what we can all do to make a difference as far as loneliness and the connection with others we need goes.

We All Need Intimacy - It's Much More than You Might Think

What comes to mind when someone says the word intimacy?

If someone asked you to define it, what would you say?

If you're like many people, it was a pretty small box and involved a specific relationship between two people.

I took a chance and googled "definition of intimacy." I wasn't sure what would come up or if I would quickly regret that search. I don't know about beyond the first page of results of the search, but that first page was safe and gave some interesting insight.

There were two things that came up on that first page - definitions of the word from a variety of dictionaries and articles on web-pages for a few different Christian organizations. As I read through what I found, I was struck by a couple of things.

First, the dictionary definitions were generally quite broad and spoke about a friendship where was some level of familiarity between the friends. This was well before any mention of and quite separate from a mention of sexual relationship we often assume is meant by the word intimacy.

Second, it was the writings from Christian organizations that made intimacy out to something was only part of a sexual relationship. Whether they meant to or not, I think most who read those articles would walk away thinking intimacy was only sexual.

Ina time where we talk about how highly sexualized our society is, seeing this made me wonder if we, as the church, aren't at minimum, unwitting contributors to it. Now, I didn't go looking any further for websites that spoke about intimacy from a non-Christian perspective because I wasn't sure what I would find. But, I am left with some questions about Christian contributions to the conversation.

In limiting our discussion of intimacy to sexual relationships, I believe we're missing out on what it should and could be. And, we're contributing to the loneliness epidemic - especially among single Christian adults by doing so.

Sam Allberry addresses this topic quite extensively in his book 7 Myths About Singleness. He writes:

"But the choice between marriage and celibacy is not the choice between intimacy and loneliness, or at least it shouldn't be. We can manage without sex. We know this - Jesus himself lived as a celibate man. So did Paul. Many others have done so as well. But we are not designed to live without intimacy. . . . In the West, we have virtually collapsed sex and intimacy into each other. Where you have one, you are assumed to have the other. We can't really conceive of genuine intimacy without it being ultimately sexual."

But, in doing so, we've missed the point. And we've contributed to the loneliness epidemic we're in the middle of.

So, what is intimacy? What does it look like?

It's friendship. It's those friendships where you allow each other to get close enough that you can speak words of encouragement and challenge to each other. Where you're vulnerable enough with each other that you could hurt each other if you broke the trust of that friendship.

Once again, Sam Allberry explains it well:

"A friend is someone you tell your secrets to, someone you let in on the real things going on in your life. They're the one who really know what's going on with you. They know your temptations, and they know what most delights your heart. They know how to pray for you instinctively. This is true intimacy. In our world, being deeply known and deeply loved often feel like alternatives. We worry that if someone really knows us, they might not love us as much. . . . By its very nature, friendship is a wonderful form of intimacy. The friend is the person who knows you are your sparkling best and shameful worst and still loves you. To be so deeply known and so deeply loved is precious." (7Myths About Singleness)

All of this has led me to wonder if at least part of the problem with the loneliness we see and hear about and experience ourselves if that we don't really know how to do friendship well anymore - especially friendship with people whose lives don't look exactly like ours.

Why Loneliness is Different for Singles: Part 2

What makes singleness different for singles?

In my last post, I started talking about how loneliness is different for singles. As I was writing, I realized that it was too much for one post. And I was concerned this next point would get missed or buried in the length. In my mind, this is the most important reason why loneliness is different for singles.

(You can read Part 1 here if you missed it.)

The most important reason why loneliness is different for singles has nothing to do with having friends.

It has everything to do with what you do with those friends.

". . . having people to do nothing with is quite important to singles." (Sam Allberry, 7 Myths about Singleness)

When I read that the first time, my response was: Yes! Someone finally put it into words that might make sense to others.

This is a big deal.

Allberry goes on to say:

"There are times when I feel emotionally tired but really want company, so it's great to have friends you see often enough that you don't need to spend your time together catching up. If one problem is friends you barely get to catch up with, another is friends you only catch up with. It's easy for married friends to forget this, because they already have people to do nothing with, and having people to with whom to do nothing is not necessarily a need they're conscious of."

I don't want everything I with people to be about what we do or about catching up. It's good when we don't always have to do that.

The most life-giving memory I have of this is when some married friends invited me to go camping with them for a week with their family. Yes, we did lots of things - hiking, games, cooking, and much more. But, we also did a lot of "doing nothing together." We sat in chairs next to each other and read. We sat around the fire in the evening with no expectation of catching up on what was going on in our lives. We sat at the same table, drinking coffee and reading our Bibles in the morning.

I didn't know how much I needed things like that until I experienced a week of it. I couldn't put it into words that I could explain to someone else until now. The idea of "doing nothing together" almost seems like a foreign concept in our culture. But, it's incredibly important that we pay attention to this - especially when there are single adults in your circle.

Often, I don't need an invitation to do something. I just need to be able to be with people without expectations. I know that being alone at that time isn't a good thing, but I'm not up to doing a lot. I really just need to now I'm not alone.

Why Loneliness is Different for Singles: Part 1

If loneliness is such a big problem in the West, why do I approach it from the perspective of singleness? Is there really a difference?

These are questions I've asked myself as I've looked at this topic. I wanted to make sure I wasn't saying something was a factor if it really wasn't. As I've studied, read, and talked to others, I've come to the conclusion that there is a lot about loneliness that is different for singles. There are things about it that need to be addressed.

Some of these things become even more pronounced the older we get as singles. My own experiences make that clear. When I was just finished college and living with roommates my experience of loneliness was different in some ways than it is now, living completely on my own. And I think that makes it even more important to talk about it from the perspective of a since Christian adult - past college and the first few years after college.

In her book, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church, Gina Dalfonzo expresses it this way:

". . . single people know a unique kind of loneliness."

So, what is this unique kind of loneliness that we face as singles?

I think the bog difference comes in the priority put on relationships with others. This priority doesn't mean we don't value our friends, or value our family. But, how that value plays out looks different for singles.

As Sam Allberry writes in his books 7 Myths about Singleness:

"As a single person, my friends are a lifeline. They're like family. They are the ones with whom I fell more known and loved. . . . I need them. Hugely. But, the fact is, they don't need me in the same way. Many of them are the equivalent of family, but since they have families of their own, the familial sense that I have toward them is not necessarily reciprocated. That might be both good and right, as far as it goes, but it can also be painful at times."

I have good relationships with my family and I am lucky they live in the same city as me, but that's not the case for lots of singles. I relate to what Allberry writes - even with family in the same city. Other singles, who don't have family nearby, relate even more.

I would never say that your family isn't and shouldn't be important for you. But, it does make it hard for singles sometimes who don't have the same family commitment to fill time. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've sat at home knowing my friends are rightly spending time with their families while I long for that to fill my loneliness.

Another part of loneliness that I believe is different for singles comes when we look at the need to always make plans. In her book Singles and the Church Jana Marguerite Bennett writes:

"There is a difference in having someone constantly present, without having to contact a friend and make special arrangements."

This is something that has become a more emphasized difference as I've gotten older. When I had just finished college and still lived with roommates, there was usually someone present and it didn't take special planning to do something. But, the older you get, the more likely it is that you live alone as a single person. And that changes things.

Sometimes it would be nice to not always have to contact someone to not be alone. It would be nice if it happened more easily, or if another friend would initiate the plans more often. I'll be honest that it gets tiring to be the one who is almost always asking to get together. It makes me feel like a nuisance and like no one would notice me if I didn't ask. I know this isn't the intended message, but it feels like this sometimes.

Why is Loneliness a Problem?

"I submit that fear of loneliness is, if not the driving force of our time, at least one of the greatest forces." (Gina Dalfonzo, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church)

We know what it means to feel lonely from our experiences. If I asked you to describe it, you could probably tell me about an experience of it. We all do everything we can to avoid it.

So, if we know that, why as I writing a post on why loneliness is a problem?

Going back to the words I quoted at the beginning of this post: if fear of loneliness is a driving force of our time, then we need to take a look at how we deal with the fear.

The problem is that what we often seek as the solution to loneliness doesn't really satisfy. And then the feelings of loneliness we experience drive us to do whatever we think will mean we're not lonely any more. Except that it doesn't fix it. And we find ourselves caught in this endless loop of frantic activity because we fear being lonely.

I know this well. I've lived in this endless cycle before. In fact, the realization I was living in it and a desire to stop prompted me to take a closer look at this.

I've that, for me, usually the best place to start with a topic is understanding what the key words mean. I started with looking up the definition of the word lonely.

Here's what the Merraim-Webster Dictionary had for a definition of the word lonely:
          1.a) being without company: lone
             b) cut off from others: solitary
          2. not frequented by human beings: desolate
          3. sad from being alone: lonesome
          4. producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

Not a very positive definition. And not words we want to hear used to describe us.

The past of that definition that relates to what I'm talking about here is #3: "sad from being alone: lonesome." In my study and in my conversations that seemed to fit most with what was coming up.

And that makes it something we do everything in our power to avoid, because we don't want to feel that sadness. It also made it interesting to have these conversations with people. We don't like to talk about it in general. But, once I asked the question and created space for it, people had more to say on the topic that I expected.

I noticed an interesting and troubling connection in these conversations. Jana Marguerite Bennett explains it well in her book Singleness and the Church:

"Loneliness is also a problem that people might wish to avoid. One scholar suggests: 'the very word 'lonely' carries a negative connotation . . . signalling social weakness, or an inability to stand on one's own.' So, too, singleness becomes a problem, partly because of its associations with loneliness."

Since we see loneliness as a problem to avoid, the association of it with singleness means we often begin to see singleness as a problem too. We do one of two things because of our fear of loneliness: (1) we push single Christian adults away, or (2) we present marriage as the answer to their loneliness.

As Bennett writes earlier in the introduction to her book:

"No wonder singleness appears as lonely, because for Christians it often is. In addition to the suspicion cast on single lives, church culture promotes marriage and coupledom even to the point that some singles stop attending church."

I talked to many other Christian adult singles who talked about loneliness because they felt forgotten or pushed out by the church; or, when they did say something about their loneliness, they were told to "just get married" as the solution. (Church experiences obviously varied widely on all that I say when I talk about what I've heard - from really good to really bad and everything in between.) This is a huge contributor to the loneliness epidemic in our culture, in our churches, and specifically among single adult Christians in our churches.

The good news is that there is hope for change. As Bennett writes:

"Loneliness need not be a part of the single life."

But for it not to be, we have to understand and do things differently. That's ultimately what I want to write about in this series.

One of the Greatest Challenges of Our Society Today

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved."
                                                                                                 -Mother Teresa


Words of wisdom and challenge from a woman who lived and ministered in the midst of some of the greatest material poverty on this planet.

As I've wrestled with and continued to read and study about singles in the church, there is one topic that continually rises to the surface.

More than anything about sex and purity.

More than anything about often being stuck with young adult or college-age groups, long past that age, because some churches don't know what to do with us.

More than anything about the marriage and family emphasis, and in some case dare I say over-emphasis, in churches.

More than anything about the struggles of balancing work, home, extended family, and friends all on your own.

What is that topic?

Loneliness.

And it shouldn't surprise us. The Western World is caught up in the throes of a loneliness epidemic. In our hyper-connected, always-on world, we lonely like we've never been before.

We live in a world where we have hundreds of "friends" or followers, but few, if any, real connections. Many of those friends or followers are only surface relationships at best. We've bought the lie we've been told that we don't need anyone and we're paying a high price now.

It's easy to read what I've written, see it in the world out there, and think we're safe from it in the church. But, the reality is, the church has exactly the same problem.

Our churches are filled with lonely people. And, those of you reading this are likely among that group - at least sometimes.

We don't have to read Scripture for long to see that we need each other. Almost anywhere you turn, you read about our need for relationship and community with others. God didn't intend for us to do it alone.

A quick online search on loneliness brings up countless articles on the health effects of loneliness and the harm it does to us. Our society is waking up to the problem of loneliness. But, in all the reading I've done of these articles, there have been no solutions offered. The problem is clear, but the solutions aren't.

In every book and article I've read on singleness and the church in the last six months, loneliness is the topic that keeps coming up. It's obvious that loneliness is a problem in the West in general. but, I think it's even more of a problem for Christian singles in the West. In saying that, I'm not discounting the loneliness any one of us feels, at least some times. But, as I've read, reflected on my own experiences, and talked to other singles about this, I've started to see a few things that are important.

Much of what I say will apply to all, regardless of whether we're single or married. But, some of it comes specifically from the perspective of a single person.

I don't yet know how many posts will come on this topic. As I get deeper into it, ti's becoming bigger and more intriguing that I imagined. But, there will be at least a few posts to come.

As I finish this for today, I want to leave you with a thought from Sam Allberry from his book 7 Myths About Singleness:

"Our deepest aches and yearnings for intimacy will only ultimately be met in Christ. That's not to minimize the importance and goodness of friendships in this world, whether in marriage or outside of it. Such human intimacy is a wonderful gift from God and something each of us needs. But, while we don't want to minimize this, we do need to revitalize it. It will never be ultimate. We will always need something that is whole levels of magnitude more."

Allberry isn't saying we just need Jesus. The "just me and Jesus" thought only goes so far. We need other people to walk alongside.

Why I Tore up my "True Love Waits" Pledge Card

The "True Love Waits" pledge card . . . signed in January 1998 at a youth group evening is now in 15-20 pieces on the table beside me. I found it tucked in the front of the Bible I used when I was in high school. As I pulled it out, I decided it was time to tear it up.

Not because I'm walking away from what the Bible says about sex and purity.

Not because I don't believe in waiting for marriage.

I actually tore it up precisely because I want live according to God's Word on this. And, while the intentions behind the "purity culture" of my youth were good, I don't believe it was actually about living according to God's teaching anyways.

For some, this might seem strange. But, probably not to many of you who grew up in church youth groups in the 1990s. There was a strong movement that, on the surface, seemed to be about biblical principles for sex and purity. This included signing pledge cards that we would wait for marriage and, for girls, wearing rings that said "true love waits" on the ring finger of your left hand.

Much has been written in recent years about this and what the results of growing up in this "purity culture" have been. And my experiences with it and my own study of Scripture are exactly what led me to tear up this card when I found it.

I tore it up because I no longer see it as being a commitment to live God's way in this area of life. It may have started with Scripture, but so much was added to it that it became just rules and legalism, with sometimes implied and sometimes spoken guarantees for following through that don't actually occur anywhere in Scripture. It's caused a lot of harm to a lot of people and I no longer want to be a part of that.

For some, it may sound strange that it's taken just over 20 years for me to see this. The truth is, until the last 4 or 5 years, I didn't even look at my beliefs in this area of life. I just accepted what I had been taught in church growing up. It was only when I began getting involved with another ministry at my church that spoke to this topic that I first began to question some of what I'd been taught. As I looked again at the Scriptures used and compared what I was hearing and reading in them now with what I'd been taught growing up, I noticed some things I could no longer ignore.

All the teaching I'd heard growing up had definitely started with Scripture. The starting place was good and right. The problem came in what was placed on top of these scriptural truths. The things we were subsequently taught about how to live a life of sexual purity. This is where man-made ideas were taught as being on par with Scripture - as the way we should live.

As I began to realize I'd bought into these lies, I had to begin the process of untangling what was truth from Scripture from what was man-made additions to Scripture. This was a more complicated process than I imagined. I had to acknowledge where my beliefs were wrong and find what Scripture said. And I had to come face-to-face with the fact that people I had trusted and loved had been part of teaching these beliefs. Although I still believe they had the best of intentions in what they taught, I still had to acknowledge that these were the people who had taught me this. I had to face that this was all part of the legalism I'd become bound by. It wasn't an easy thing to do and took much longer than I expected, but, it was also very necessary.

So, why do I share this now?

I know from conversations I've had with some I grew up with and what I've been watching play out in public in Christian circles, this is a struggle many people are facing. My hope in sharing my journey with this is that I can encourage others who are facing this journey themselves.

Sometimes we Have to Take a Risk

When was the last time you took a risk?

When did you last step out and do something you felt God was asking you to do when you had not guarantee of the outcome?

Rebekah Lyons, end her book Rhythms of Renewal (releasing Oct 1, 2019) by talking about taking risks. This is part of what she calls the rhythm of create.

I'm not a risk-taker. I like to stay where it's safe and only engage in things when I know the outcome. I tell myself that's the best choice. But, it's also a way to miss out on what God is asking me to do.

Rebekah outs it this way:

"Taking a risk may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it's the only way we partner with God in creating good and beautiful things."

And I know this is true. The times I've taken risks and stepped out without knowing how it would turn out have had this result. That doesn't mean it's easy though.

But, there is something I've learned. As Rebekah puts it:

"The call and assignment of God is never possible without God."

We weren't created to do it on our own. When God asks us to take a risk, it will look impossible from our perspective; but with God it's not.

As she wraps up the book, Rebekah reminds us of an important thing:

"There is nothing more beautiful that finding strength on the other side of yes. It's not a strength of doing, but one of being. Being in the center of his will."

Often this is something we only find when we take the risk. When we step out in the calling and assignment God has given us that is impossible without Him. When we say yes to the risk it changes everything.

This is something I have lived. About 7 years ago, I knew God was telling me He wanted me to lead a women's Bible study. This was the last thing on my mind as something I would ever do. How was I going to talk to a group of people about anything, when I had never been able to do so before? I was quite happy to just keep being the quiet one at the table who said very little. But, God had other plans, and He used a couple of key people in my life to convince me to take the risk and try it. I've never looked back. And I know it's not possible for me to do what I'm doing without Him.

What is the risk God is asking you to take?

Are you willing to step into it?

We All Need to Practice Hospitality

"I don't have the gift of hospitality."

"I'm just not good at hospitality like __________."

"I don't have enough space to practice hospitality."

"My house isn't nice enough to have practice hospitality."

How often do we say things like this?

I know I often have. I have tried to make my refusal to practice hospitality sound spiritually acceptable. But all the excuses I can come up with don't really stand up.

In Rebekah Lyons' new (and soon to be released) book, Rhythms of Renewal she talks about four different rhythms we need in our lives - rest, restore, connect, create. Within each of the rhythms she talks about some practical ways to make this rhythm a part of our lives. Each is challenging to consider, yet simple to act on.

In the section on the rhythm of connect, Rebekah has a chapter on hospitality. I found this chapter especially challenging. I'm not the one who has a perfectly decorated space or a themed table setting when I have people over. Quite honestly, when I'm setting up for anything, making the space look pretty is the last thing on my mind, if I think of it at all. And I've always used that as an excuse not to engage in hospitality of any kind.

But, when we think of hospitality only this way, we actually miss out on what it's supposed to be about. It's not about how something is decorated or making things look pretty. Those things are nice, but they're not central to hospitality.

Hospitality is actually about connections and relationship. The creation of space where people are welcome as they are.

Rebekah put it this way:

"Creating a sustainable culture of hospitality requires casual frequency, getting together often, coming as you are, hosting as you are."

It's when we approach hospitality this way that we create the space for connection to happen. And it gives all of us permission to practice hospitality exactly as we are. Yes, some will have beautiful decor or place settings as part of it. But, others of us won't. And it's all okay.

The more I've thought about hospitality since I read this chapter, the more I've realized it's not even really about the physical space we create. The words of a speaker at a chapel at work a couple months ago capture for me what I'm beginning to see is what hospitality is all about. That speaker, the director of a local recovery ministry, put it this way:

"Hospitality is not to change people, but to off people space to change."

If I approach hospitality from that mindset, the more easily I embrace it. I invite people into space I've created, whether in my home, in my office at work, over a table in a coffee shop. I come as I am and I invite them to come as they are. Together, in that space, something beautiful can happen.

How are you doing at hospitality?

Where does your understanding of hospitality need to change?

Learning to Rest

When was the last time you rested?

I'm not talking so much about when you to bed each night. I'm talking about rest from the busy-ness of life. I'm talking about intentionally created space in your calendar to rest.

Rest is the first of the rhythms for life Rebekah Lyons talks about in her (soon to be released) book Rhythms of Renewal. While the entire book was full of good stuff, this section was the most challenging for me.

As much as I know is my head how important rest is, I don't often do a good job of living this out. Even as I read through the chapters in this section, full of practical suggestions that seem easy on paper, I knew how much I struggle with this one.

As I started reading the beginning of this section on  rest, I knew it was something I need to learn and practice more of in my life. And Rebekah's words reminded me of why it's important:

"Rest precedes blessing. We don't have to run to earn rest; we run fueled by a posture of rest."

Our fuel for all we do comes from rest. Rest has to come first.

One of the things Rebekah talks about in this section is the idea of Sabbath. It's really easy to write Sabbath off as an Old Testament practice that we don't need anymore. But, I think we miss out on something when we do that.

Yes, Sabbath was part of God's Law with Israel in the Old Testament, but it wasn't limited to that. We actually see the first example of Sabbath in the creation story in Genesis 1. After creating for six days, God rested on the seventh day. God did include Sabbath in His covenant with Israel, but it appears to me that Sabbath goes beyond that too.

So, why do we need Sabbath today?

I appreciated the words Rebekah wrote on it:

"Your value as a human being isn't found in what you produce; it's found in who you are in Christ - a person designed in the image of God to glorify him forever. From the beginning, God designed his creation to be more abundant, fulfilled, and joyful when we work from a place of rest and renewal."

When we create space for Sabbath, we're able to live from this. And it changes everything.

"When we intentionally Sabbath - stop striving so much - we create space for healing, wholeness, and refreshment. It's a truth built into the design of things."

Without this space, we miss out on much. And we don't do well at allowing God to work in us. We have to prove our worth by what we do.

"Our worth is found in the God who loves us, who created rest for our good."

So, if it's for our good, why do we avoid it?

Sometimes it's because we've bought the lies of our culture that we can't rest and that our worth comes from what we do. Sometimes it's because we're afraid of what we might realize if we stop. Sometimes it's because we're not sure how to stop.

But, as I reflected on it for myself, I realized another reason. Sometimes we see it as a legalistic practice we want to avoid.

Growing up, there was a family across the street that spent a lot of time with because the kids were same ages as my sisters and I. We had a lot of fun together and the rules for what was allowed and not allowed were very much the same. The noticeable differences in our families came on Saturdays. That was the one day of the week we didn't spend much, if any, time with them.

The family was Seventh-Day Adventist and Saturdays were a Sabbath for them. Growing up, all my childhood brain saw was a long list of things my friends weren't allowed to do that day - no jumping on the trampoline, no riding bikes, no street hockey or basketball, no TV or movies, no card games, and only certain board games were okay.

For a long time, that my association with Sabbath. It was just a list of things not allowed that made the day really boring. So, when people talked about our need for Sabbath, I resisted it. My understanding of what Sabbath actually is had to be changed.

What comes to mind when you think of Sabbath?

Are there ways it needs to change?

When is the last time you had a Sabbath in your life?

What would it look like for you to have Sabbath in your life?

The Danger of Labels Becoming Indentity

Labels are everywhere in our society. We use them to categorize jobs, places, experiences, things, people. It's that last one that I think often gets us into trouble.

We label people. And we end up doing more harm than good. People are more than whatever label we try to give them. I think we know this, but that doesn't change how easy it is for us to label people.

But, I think there's a place where we can do even greater harm with our labeling.

As part of the launch team for Rebekah Lyon's new book, Rhythms of Renewal, which will come out on October 1, I just finished reading the book. So much of what I read resonated with me and challenged me. Over the next few weeks before the books is released, I'm going to share a bit about the book and how it challenged me. I think the message of the book is a needed one and I'm excited about it being made available.

It's from this book that I was challenged in this area where our labeling does great harm. One of her chapters is on labels, and Rebekah writes:

"The problem is, when we use of these labels to describe us, they often give us our deepest sense of identity. We believe the lie that the label defines us. We shift from believing a particular label is something we face to believing it's something we are."

When I first read those words, I had to stop and read them again . . . and again . . . and again. The realization of how true they are hit me hard.

I do it all the time. I label myself as single. I label myself as my anxiety disorder. Rarely are these labels positive. They almost always describe things about myself in the worst possible way. And they become my identity.

But, I'm learning that I don't have to let those labels become my identity. Yes, I'm single, but that's not everything about me. Yes, I have an anxiety disorder, but that's far from the only thing true about me.

We have to learn our identity from something or somewhere other than the labels we've given ourselves or have accepted that others gave us. This is how we really learn to live.

A little bit later in the same chapter, Rebekah goes on to say:

"When we don't view our identity through a label, we're able to find ways to thrive in spite of whatever label we're living under."

Because our labels are so often used to limit us, they hold us back. But, when we find our identity where we should, in God, everything changes. To quote Rebekah one more time:

"When our identity is found in who God says we are rather than in our highs and lows, our successes and failures, our desires, affections, or shortcoming, we experience the freedom we were meant to enjoy."

Freedom comes when we find our identity in God and nothing else. Then we experience the life Jesus said He came to bring us in John 10:10.

This is something I've learned and am still learning.

When I allow my anxiety disorder to become my identity, I'm held back by it. I've limited by the box I put myself in. But, when my identity is found in who God says I am, the anxiety disorder I have is not the focus and I can all sorts of things and experience a life the label of anxiety disorder as my identity prevent.

What are the labels you've placed on yourself that have become your identity?

What does God say about your identity?

What would change about your life if you lived out of your identity from God rather than your labels?

Conversations We Don't Know We Needed to Have

Have you ever had a conversation that you didn't even realize was important for you at this time?

Have you ever had a conversation where you need to explain less about something because the other person has a better understanding of what you're talking about then some other people you have similar conversations with?

I recently had one of those conversations with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. It wasn't planned. We didn't say this was exactly what we would talk about when we got together. But, as we talked, our conversation naturally went in that direction for a while. And it was exactly what I needed, that I didn't know I needed. I needed to be able to talk about it with someone who gets it. I only realized it as I drive home that evening.

In our world of instant messages, blogs, and social media, I think we often miss out on these conversations. This topic likely wouldn't have come up if we hadn't been sitting in the same space seeing each other. It wasn't a conversation that could happen in a hurry.

I've written about the topic here a lot in the last few months. And while it's been helpful to write about it here, there was still something about being able to talk about it with someone who is living it too. And it was needed.

In the time since this conversation, I've been reflecting on our need to create space for these types of conversations. Conversations where we put down our phones. Where we sit in the same space as another person. Where we move beyond the more surface-y stuff, that's not bad but can't be where we always stay, and talk about the reality of what life is really like.

We need these conversations with people whose life experience and circumstance is similar to ours. And with people whose life experience and circumstance is different than ours.

How are you creating space for these types of conversations in your life?

Doing the Best You Can with What You Have

As I sat down in my seat, I felt the person behind me leaning forward with their hand out. I sat quietly, looking straight ahead, willing myself to breathe normally. Praying this person would just sit back and not push this interaction.

But, that wasn't going to happen this time. The hand moved uncomfortably close to my shoulder and they leaned in, right up to my ear . . . or, at least that's what it felt like.

I did my best to respond in a friendly way, but that night, I'd greeted as many people as I had it in me to greet. I was done and I just needed a bit of space.

As soon as I could after that, I headed for outside. I just needed some air and no people around me with expectations of how I would interact.


If you haven't figured it out, that situation occurred during the "greet the people around you and shake their hand" part of most church services. While it's never been my favourite part of a church service, sometimes those are the words I dread hearing come from the pastor or worship leaders' mouths. The part that can make me want to just skip church altogether some weeks. And other times, it's not really that big of a deal to me.

Every time I do say hi to someone and shake their hand, I'm worrying in my head about how they're seeing me in that moment. Is my handshake too strong or too weak? Did I actually smile at them? Was I clear and friendly in my words? What are they thinking about me?

Even as I write those words, I know how ridiculous they sound. But, for me, that's the reality of what social anxiety looks like. I know rationally that this isn't the big deal my brain is making it out to be to most people, but sometimes I don't seem to be able to interrupt the thought process with more rational thoughts. Or it takes all of the energy I have to do so and I have nothing left to give to interactions with other people.

Back to the situation from the start of this post: That particular evening at church, I had already reached my capacity for those interactions. I usually try to just quietly sit down and avoid further interactions at that point. I tried that on this evening and, unfortunately, it didn't happen that way.

I truely believe this other person had the best of intentions and definitely had no idea they were pushing me towards a panic attack. Thankfully, this time, I was able to return to the church service after a few minutes outside, but this isn't always the case.

I have no idea what went through the mind of the other person in this situation (although my anxiety brain tried to tell me it was full of judgement of me). I only saw the look on their face for a moment and they had no idea what was going on for me.

Here's what I do know: Having been on the other person's side of similar situations myself. Most of the time, maybe even all the time, it's nothing personal. There's something going on in their life that's making this more difficult for them. It's easy just to judge someone as rude or unfriendly, but I think we're better off being more gracious with each other.

How would it change your interactions in this situation if the thought in your head was that they're doing the best they can with what they have in that moment?

Stop Hiding

We all have things we do that we want to keep secret. We don't want anyone else to find out about them. We'll do whatever we can to keep them hidden away.

But, what if, in doing this, we miss out on what God has for us? What if we're missing out on all that God wants to do?

A Bible teacher I was listening to recently shared a quote from a book she was reading that really stuck with me. I looked up the book only to discover it's out of print, so getting it for myself is a bit more challenging, but the quote is still worth thinking about.

"Whatever I cover up with I'm left with but what I open up receives not only the revealing of God but the healing of God." (Reuben Welch, We Really Do Need Each Other)

In these words, Welch challenges us on why we keep things hidden and covered up. We think we're making a good choice when we do that. We think we're doing what is best. But, we're missing out on something greater that comes with making a choice to stop hiding it.

When we allow God to expose those hidden things, He is able to bring His healing into our lives. We experience healing when we allow God to reveal what we would rather keep hidden.

It's scary to do that. We feel exposed. But, the truth is, God already knows it anyways. And if other people find out in the process, that can also be part of God's plan for our healing.

What are you hiding? What are you covering up?

Are you willing to reveal it God, and maybe to others, to experience God's healing in that area of your life?

Being Needy

Needy.

None of is want to be seen as needy.

We look down on others when they come across as needy.

And, while I agree that being needy can become manipulative or dangerous, I think we miss out on something important when we do everything we can to avoid even the appearance of being needy.

What we miss, is intimacy - with others and with God.

Because we've equated intimacy with a sexual relationship, we miss out on what it actually is and why it's actually vital to our lives.

I want to touch briefly on the topic of intimacy with other and how being needy sometimes is part of that, briefly, before I move onto intimacy with God.

Think about your close friendships right now. If they have a depth, an intimacy to them, then that probably developed from both of you being willing to be needy with each other at one point or another. You chose to let the other into a hard time or a struggle. You shared what others don't usually see. And you allowed the other to respond with care, with love, with help, with support.

In intimate friendship with others, you risk being exposed so you can stop hiding. You risk being hurt, so you can ask for help when it's too much on your own. It's not easy, but it's necessary.

But, there's an area where I think we struggle with being needy even more and as a result we miss out on intimacy there too. It's in our relationship with God.

Oh, we know all the right things to say. We talk about it. But, we don't practice it very well.

I read something in a Bible study I was working through recently that challenged me on this idea. Jennie Allen writes:

"If the goal of our lives is intimacy with Jesus, then the pathway to that intimacy is vulnerably needing Him - bringing Him to things we most want to hide from Him." (Proven, pg. 134)

If we're going to pursue intimacy with God, then we have to be willing to be needy with Him. Instead of trying to prove that we have it all together and are good enough for Him, Jesus invites us to fully admit our need to Him. Being honest about everything we would rather hide, everything we're afraid of having exposed. It's when we do this, that we are able to begin to live in the intimacy with Jesus we all say we desire.

Are you willing to be vulnerably needy with Jesus?

Are you willing to have it all exposed for the intimacy that comes?

When the Big Name Behind the Purity Message of Your Youth Walks Away . . .

What do you do when someone who was influential in Christian circles walks away from the faith?

Joshua Harris recently announced he no longer saw himself as a Christian. It was a bit of a shocking thing - even after all that has happened with him in recent years. Changing his stance on much of what he had written about dating and relationships with opposite sex.

I recently wrote a post about "How the Purity Message of my Youth was Incomplete". When I look back, whether directly or indirectly, Joshua Harris was one who had a big influence on what that message was. His voice was one of the loudest at that time.

When the statement of his regret over what he had written in his book, "I Kissed Dating Good-bye", came out, I was both relieved and angry. Relieved that the damage that message had done was finally being acknowledged. Angry because in many ways it felt like too little too late for me and others I know. We were already well aware of the consequences of his message - because we're living them.

When I heard this latest news, I was saddened. Somewhere along the way doubts gained control for him. And he is walking off the right path.

Harris has also recently announced that he is divorcing his wife - a wife he found following what he laid out in his book that seemed to promise a great marriage if you followed this same path. His own marriage ending in divorce could be seen as something he deserves, but that would help no one and is hardly the response we should have as Christians.

Once again, this is something that saddens me.

I've realized that my anger does no good. And actually continues the harm I've felt was done through his message on purity and dating. I've had to let that go - give it to God and choose forgiveness.

So, what now?

When someone in leadership falls it can shake us.

When someone influential in the Christian world walks away, it can leave us with more questions than answers.

Even if we weren't necessarily a fan of that person or the message they spoke or wrote.

So, how do we respond?

I think it's a two part response.

First, we pray. For the specific person and for all others, including ourselves, who are impacted by what has happened.

Second, we find people and places where we can talk about our questions arising from this, about how we're dealing with it if it's had an impact on us.

Love Your Neighbour

The Parable of the Good Samaritan.

If you've spent any time around church or reading a Bible, you probably know this story pretty well. It's one we talk about pretty regularly as Christians.

Luke 10:25-37 records this parable and the rest of the exchange that goes with it. Before you go with this post, please read it again. Click on the link, or look it up.

Read it slowly . . . every word.

When I read it recently, I was challenged by some of the questions that came to mind:
What made the priest and Levite cross to the other side of the road as they passed the man who had been beaten and robbed? Why were they so careful to avoid him? Where was the compassion for those in need we expect religious leaders to have?

I think Jesus is being intentional in using the specific people He does in this story. The priest and Levite were religious leaders. We don't know exactly why these men were travelling this road. Since they were going from Jerusalem to Jericho we could guess they were returning home after service in the temple.

As religious leaders in the temple, they would have been well aware of the religious requirements and what would make them unclean and unfit to serve in the temple, even if only temporarily. Rather than help their follow Jew in need and risk becoming unclean, they chose to avoid him completely.

In reality, they missed the point of what God was trying to show His people through the law. Religiously, they were clean before God. But their hearts weren't in the right place, and God is pretty clear that matters more to Him.

We easily get caught up in the exact same things. We may be doing everything right religiously, but if our hearts aren't moved with compassion by the same things that move God's hear, we've missed the point completely.

In this parable, Jesus used the Samaritan as the example we should follow. The Samaritan was moved to compassion and action by what he saw. He was willing to pay a personal price to love someone society told him he shouldn't love.

As I reflect on some of the issues currently a major focus of discussion in our society, I'm left with a few questions:
How are we doing, as Christians, at actually loving our neighbour in the way Jesus describes in this parable?
What would it look like if we all actually allowed our hearts to be broken by what breaks God's heart and them moved to action because of it? What kind of impact would that actually make in our society?

I'm not saying it's easy. I know it's hard. I know it's dangerous to pray a prayer asking God to break our hearts for what breaks His.

About eight or nine years ago, I realized my heart was no longer moved by the brokenness and pain I saw everyday. I walked past a couple of interactions and activities that shouted about the pain and brokenness of those involved. I had been working at my job for a few years and things like that had become commonplace.

As I sat in my office later that day, I told God I didn't want my heart to become hard to what I'd seen. I told Him I wanted to see each person I walked past through His eyes. They I prayed the "dangerous" part. I told God to do whatever He needed to do to soften my heart again.

The answer to that prayer came a few days later. Without sharing details that could identify this person, I found myself in the position of returning money to someone I'd grown up with knowing he was likely going to go spend it on drugs as soon as he left. But, it was his money and there was nothing I could do to stop him. As I handed him the money I looked at him and reminded him of God's love. To date, that's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

A couple months later, another person I'd known growing up crossed my path at work and they weren't doing well. I knew the potential they had and I was watching them seemingly self-destruct for a couple weeks.

I with I could say these stories had happy endings, but the truth is, I don't know what has happened with either of them in the years since. I don't know if I'll ever know.

But, those two interactions definitely answered my prayer for God to soften my heart. And I realized that a soft heart is one that loves at great personal cost. When we see the pain and brokenness of others, if our heart breaks for what breaks God's heart, we will care and we will take action.

Getting Into the Pain & Brokenness of People

Everywhere you look in the gospels, Jesus is doing things that upset and angered the religious leaders of His day. He didn't do it just to make them mad. He was revealing the places where they were missing the point.

Somewhere along the way, the religious leaders had gotten more caught up in the rules about things rather than the heart of the reason why God had created that law in the first place. The is what Jesus pointed out in Luke 6:1-11. The religious leaders were more concerned about what Jesus' disciples were doing on the Sabbath than what God created the Sabbath for in the first place.

Just a little bit later, Jesus challenges the Pharisees on how they treat people. Luke 7:36-50 records an encounter with Jesus and a conversation with a Pharisee that I think we sanitize when we read it. We picture at least a somewhat presentable person coming into Simon's house and anointing Jesus with perfume, and weeping at his feet, drying them with her hair.

We understand it was a costly jar of perfume she used and we talk about the cost to her. We talk about Simon, the Pharisee, whose home Jesus was visiting when this occurred. All are good things to notice and learn from. But, I think in our version, we miss something important.

Jesus honours and values this woman, who was seen only as a sinner by society. Jesus saw who she really was and called it out in her.

When Luke writes that she was a woman who lived a sinful life, he's not talking about the sin that, although we know it's still sin, we have somehow deemed acceptable to struggle with. This woman was a prostitute. She lived a life that went completely and openly against God's laws. She would have been pushed to the outskirts of society - excluded and looked down on, often treated poorly.

Put yourself at the table for a minutes. You've been invited to have dinner with Jesus. Everyone at the table lives a good life. You all follow the rules and do everything you're supposed to. While you're eating dinner, someone comes into the home you're gathered in, uninvited.

For the sake of helping us understand this, this person is homeless - their hair is unwashed and messy, their clothes are dirty from sleeping outside in a tent for months, they're carrying all their personal belongings with them. Everyone at the dinner party knows who they are - they have a reputation in the community.

When this person enters the room, they offer Jesus their most prized possession and fall at His feet weeping. They've created quite the scene and everyone is watching Jesus to see how He responds.

What will Jesus do? Will He send the person away? Will He reprimand them? Will He try to ignore them?

But, as you all watch, Jesus reaches down and wraps His arms around the person. He embraces them and lifts them up. Instead of the disdain this person is used to experiencing, Jesus has love in His eyes and on His face as He looks at this person. Jesus seems not to notice or care about the appearance or reputation of the person.

Jesus begins to speak like - to point out the good in this person, to identify the beauty and image of God in this person that society doesn't see. Jesus doesn't condone the poor behaviour and choices that have led to this person's reputation, but neither does He talk only about it.

When I look at how Jesus treated the woman in Luke 7 and so may others in the gospels, I have to think that Jesus would have spent His time in the middle of the broken, hurting and lost people in our society. He wouldn't have been looking down on them trying to give them a negative label.

Think for a moment. When I started describing the person who came into you dinner party with Jesus, what words came to mind as how you labelled the person?

Junkie . . . Hopeless . . . Just an addict . . . Lost cause . . .Dregs of society

I hope not. I hope reading those words was as difficult for you as it was for me to write them.

I think I'm pretty safe to say those wouldn't be the words Jesus would use. Labels like that destroy people. They don't love them the way Jesus modeled for us.

What about the words . . . man/woman created in the image of God . . . loved by God . . . value . . . worth . . . I think these are what we need to see when we look at people like this person who intruded on our dinner party with Jesus.

Where would Jesus be in our society?

Jesus would be in the middle of the pain and brokenness. Yes, that includes the illness, death, family breakdown, job loss, etc of those of us who have homes and aren't looked down on by society. But, we can't keep operating like those are the only places Jesus would be.

Jesus would also be in the middle of the pain and brokenness of those who we generally see as outcasts in our society. Instead of judgement and anger and disdain, Jesus would be loving them and speaking life and identity to them. He would be inviting us to come alongside and love these people. He would have, and still does, expected His followers to be an active part of the solution.

If you're still with me, thanks. I hope I've challenged you. This been a challenging post to write and I've had to wrestle with what this looks like in my own life. I don't get it right all the time. But, I think we have to allow ourselves to be challenged by Scripture if we claim to follow Jesus.

Know & Rely on God's Love

What does it means to know God's love?

What does it look like to rely on God's love?

What is perfect love?

How does it drive out fear?

1 John 4:16-18 says:

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

John writes a lot about God's love and how our love for others is a sign we're in Christ in 1 John. But, I think these verses are the culmination of all he is saying. Here, John writes about God's love for us in a way that emphasizes how great it is, and also shows us that love changes how we live.

We can know and rely on God's love. While we may never fully grasp the magnitude of God's love for us, we can at least begin to know it. Scripture is pretty clear in how it shows us God's love. As we seek to know it more, we will continue to grow in our understanding of it.

As we get to know God's love, we can also come to rely on it. God's love for us will always be there. We can count on it. It doesn't change or disappear. We can build our lives on the knowledge that God's love will always be there.

This knowledge and reliance changes how we live in the world. Because we're no longer caught up in a desperate search for love, we're actually able to live the world and the people in it like Jesus does. John calls it being like Jesus in the world.

If we look at the gospels to see what Jesus was like in the world, we see a great example of love. When we get to know and rely on God's love for us, we then able to love people like Jesus did - unconditionally, looking out for their best, and seeking nothing in return.

Verse 18 has always intrigued me, especially the first part where John says that fear and love cannot coexist. When I take the time to think about it, I realize it's very much true. When we come to the point of knowing and relying on God's love for us, fear vanishes from our lives. We've become secure in our position as God's children. We know our identity and we're living from that place. That leaves no room for us to live in fear.

John also connects fear with punishment here. When we're living in fear, we're living feeling like we're waiting for punishment for what we've done. We're wondering when we're going to cross the line and bring punishment on ourselves.

This fear of punishment is different than the discipline that comes from real love. Discipline is about getting us back on track and is always done out of real love. Punishment is about being made to pay a price for your ways. It doesn't come from a place of love that is like God's love.

God's perfect love for us removes our desperation is our search for love. As we come to know and learn to rely on it, it changes everything about how we live in and love the world around us. It enables us to be like Jesus in the world.

The One in you is Greater

"You dear children are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1 John 4:4)

I've often heard this verse and found comfort in the truth that One in me is greater. That One being the Holy Spirit living in me.

But, I've often wondered why this verse says "overcome them"? Who is "them"? What does it mean here?

While the many situations I have heard this verse quoted in are times when it's still absolutely true that God in us is greater than power in the world, we've missed what John is saying in this verse. And when we see what he's saying, his word choice makes sense.

When we look at 1 John 4:1-6 we see the bigger picture. This passage is dealing with false teachers, with those who deny the incarnation, with those teaching deception.

When we come into contact with those who teach falsehood and are leading others astray, it can be quite intimidating. Somehow they have managed to convince people to follow them. This is why John reminds us of the power of the One who lives in us. That the One who is in us is greater than them - than the false teachers.

No matter what false teaching we face, we can be sure that the Holy Spirit in us is greater. We don't need to fear. We don't need to be intimidated. Jesus is greater.

There's reassurance in this. We're on the side of victory, even if the odds seem stacked against us in the moment. God's truth and His power will overcome the false teaching.

Our Call to Love Like Jesus Did

What does it look like to love like Jesus did when He walked on this earth?

How are we supposed to look at the people who also call the same place as us home who are very different from us? Even those whose lifestyle is one we may not agree with?

There have been some discussions happening in our society as a whole, and on a smaller scale in specific cities or neighbourhoods that have prompted me to wrestle with these questions again. In the last few weeks, I've been going back to the gospels to see how Jesus loved these people, to see what it should look like for me.

Before I write the rest of this, I want to be clear on one thing. While this post has been prompted by some recent happenings, this is not a political post, nor is it meant to become a forum for discussing the lifestyles of others that we may or may not agree with. I am not looking to discuss whether certain recent decisions are the correct ones. I will delete all comments that make this about that without notice, as that is missing my point completely.

As I looked at how Jesus loved in the gospels, I was struck by one thing specifically. He loved and treated people who were looked down on by Jewish society of His day in a way that was radical. He gave them a value and a place that they were not used to being in.

Here is just a quick run through of some of the interactions Jesus had with people who were looked down on in Jewish society:

• Jesus touched a man with leprosy when He healed the man. (Matthew 8:3)
• Jesus called a tax collector to be His disciple when He called Matthew. Tax collectors were looked down on by other Jews. (Matthew 9:9, Luke 5:27-31)
• Jesus healed blind men. (Matthew 9:27-29, 20:29-34)
• Jesus restored a demon-possessed man. (Mark 5:1-20)
• Jesus healed a women who had been bleeding for 12 years. He didn't condemn her when she touched His robe, although she would have been unclean at the time. (Mark 5:25-34)
• Jesus honoured the faith of an outsider and drove a demon out of her daughter. (Mark 7:24-30)
• Jesus brought a widow's son back to life. (Luke 7:12-15)
• Jesus honoured and welcomed a "sinful" women into His presence to anoint His feet. (Luke 7:36-50)
• Jesus healed 10 men with leprosy. (Luke 17:11-14)
• Jesus had a conversation with a Samaritan woman. (John 4:1-26)

In all of these accounts, Jesus had compassion on and loved these people. He took the time to value these people who had been rejected by their society, who had been made less than. Jesus lifted them back up to where they belonged.

If I look at Jesus' interactions with people who were looked down on by society, I'm challenged in how I treat people in my own world. I am challenged to be different from the society I live in. I'm challenged to love all people and to look at them through Jesus' eyes.

Rather than seeing only the lifestyle of people I come across, I choose to see the fact that they are people created in the image of God. We all are, regardless of what may be seen on the surface. And, because we're all created in the image of God, we're worthy of love and care.

I'm not advocating for no consequences or no boundaries in relationships. But. I am talking about choosing to speak the truth of the identity God gave people into their lives, rather than putting them down for what is obvious.

I guess, as I've wrestled with these questions the last few weeks, I've come back to one thing that I think is the starting place for where we begin to love like Jesus did when He was on earth. It starts with how we talk about and to people who have lifestyles we don't agree with. Our language matters. When we speak about the identity God has given people, we give them something to live up to. When we speak about the things we see about people, in sometimes derogatory terms, we give them nothing to live up to and we do everything but love them.

I know how easy it is to just use the common terms for different groups of people when referring to them, but, I do believe that, as Christians, we need to choose differently. We need to choose our language carefully, and choose to use words that speak life and truth and identity to even the hardest of those to love in our society.

No More Sin?

Is it really possible for those who follow God to stop sinning completely?

It kind of seems like Scripture tells us that if we're in Christ, we shouldn't sin anymore. But, in my experience this really doesn't feel possible.

I just finished reading 1 John. In this letter, John seems to say that if we are in Christ, we don't keep on sinning.

"Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. The one who does what is right is righteous just as He is righteous. The one who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God." (1 John 3:7-9)

What does John mean when He says those born of God don't go on sinning? How is that possible given that we all still struggle with sin?

This seems especially strange for John to say in light of what John writes earlier:

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." (1 John 1:8)

How does that fit?

I think John's point here is more about our attitude toward sin in our lives. 

When we're not walking in God's ways, sin is no big deal to us. We're not bothered by it. Mostly, we don't even think about it. It's probably not even called sin in our lives. We just go on doing whatever it is we want to do.

But, when we're born of God, we're bothered by sin in our lives. We can't just merrily go along pretending it's all okay. We're bothered by sin and do something about it.

It's not that we never sin again. It's that we're not content to stay in our sin.

We decide to make different choices. We stop doing certain activities or going to certain places or hanging out with certain people.

We fill our time and our minds with choices that keep us from sin.

We seek out accountability and support from other Christians as we work to rid our lives of sin.

We do whatever it takes to remove that sin we've become aware of from our lives.

All We Need to Live a Godly Life

Are we really able to live godly lives?

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." (2 Peter 1:3-4)

Often it doesn't seem like we have everything we need for a godly life. It feels like what we've been given falls short of that.

Usually, the truth is actually that we haven't chosen to make use of what we've been given. We have a gift we've been given, but it's sitting there, unopened. It looks nice, but that's not what it is meant for. It was meant to be opened and used in our lives.

This gift is God's power in our lives. God has chosen to provide us with His power to live differently, to live a godly life. But, we, far too often, don't allow His power to work in us. We prevent it from doing so, and, as a result, feel weak and completely unable to live the life of godliness we say we desire to live.

God has promised us that we have the ability by His power to live a full, godly life. The problem is us. When we feel like it's impossible to do so it's because we're limited God's power.

Where have you limited God's power in your life?

Are you willing to allow God's power full access in your life?

Free to Live God's Way

"Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil, live as God's slaves." (1 Peter 2:16)

This verse falls in a section on the way Christians should live in the midst of a society that doesn't live God's way. All of Peter's instruction in 1 Peter 2 & 3 is about how to live differently from the world around us.

As Christians, we get to live as free people. Jesus has freed us from all that once bound us up. We have been given a free gift of freedom.

But, we're cautioned here not to use it as an excuse to do whatever we want just because we're freed from those rules. The freedom we have from a long list of regulations doesn't mean we have an excuse to do evil.

Peter encourages us to take our freedom and use it to live under God's rules. We have the choice - that's why Peter calls this living as free people. It's not something we have to do. It's something we choose to do.

How are you choosing to live?

How We Can Practically Do Life Together Even When it Looks Different

A few years ago, I wrote a post about a challenge that I often find comes with summer. I was rereading it recently as I was working on the series of posts I wrote about singleness and the church recently. As I read through that post again, I realized how specifically it relates to my exploration of this topic here.

I thought about just sharing the post again, but also realized I had some other thoughts that tie the post from a few years ago to the series I just finished writing. I will share those thoughts, and then I'll share the content of the original post again

At the heart of it, I realized that this old post about a challenge that often seems to come with summer, really comes down to the need to be doing life together, even when the surface of what it looks like is different. This particular post was probably the one I struggled the most to put together and wasn't completely satisfied with it when I was done, but I still felt it was important enough to share.

I think I struggled the most with it because it was difficult to explain the need for it without a clear example. I think going back to this post from a few years ago, provides the opportunity to explain a bit better what I was talking about in my more recent post about doing life together.

The challenge that comes with summer is the dramatic change in what my calendar looks like - going from having lots of stuff to do on it to having almost nothing on it. This can be even more of a struggle for me (and some other single adults I've talked to about it), because the assumption so many have is that evenings and weekends in summer are for spending with family so nothing needs to be planned. Except that gets difficult for those of who are single and don't have a family at home to spend all that time with.

These are the times when we need to practice doing life together even when it looks different. The times when we need to go beyond our assumptions of what summer looks like for everyone and welcome those who may be struggling with the dramatic change in schedule into whatever our plans in summer more. That's part of what doing life together is about.

On that note, I'm going to share the post I originally wrote about this topic, back on July 7, 2016:

It's that time of year again - the time where I often sturggle with a very empty calendar. School's out for kids and most other activities at church stop as well.

I get it. When kids aren't in school that changes a lot for people. And the weather is nicer, so people want more flexibility in their schedules to enjoy it.

But, it's also a hard time of year for some of us. The end of June doesn't mean much for me. I still get up and go to work each day. The difference being, I spend most of my evenings and weekends at home alone. The things that filled that time during the school year aren't happening and the people I would have seen during that time are busy with their own families then.

I get it. This is time you have for all the things that are filling your time.

But, it's also hard and lonely for some of us. Even though I like time for myself, five nights a week for two months get to be too much of it - especially when you add the weekends to that time as well.

If I had my way, all the Bible studies and other groups would continue all summer, so the changing of seasons wasn't signified by too much time alone. But, I know that doesn't work for many people, so I try to be flexible and understanding. I will deal with the changes that come with the end of June.

I'll spend more time alone and won't complain about it. I'll enjoy a lot of it. But, I need some help from other people too. I need you to still be available sometimes for coffee, or supper, or some sort of activity. Or an invitation to join your family for something once in a while.

Whatever it looks like, I still need people in my life and things to do. My hours outside of work still need to have something in some of them - the same as yours do. The difference is that I need you to be a part of that, because it's not something that automatically happens with other people being at home.

When I ask about planning something to be a bit more consistent over the summer, I'm not asking because I'm trying to tie you down to something. I'm asking because I need to have some things planned to get through the much more significant time alone that I have. I understand you have other things planned with family, or might be away on a vacation, and I'll work with that, but I'm also asking for some help in having things to do when I ask those things.

And when I'm disappointed that something won't work or gets cancelled, know I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm disappointed that a change in my summer evenings and weekends isn't going to happen now. I'm realizing it's another night alone now because there's nothing on my calendar now. I'm not blaming you for it or trying to make you feel bad, but I'm struggling with what this means for me now. And I need the freedom to be disappointed for those moments, because it's hard.