Why Loneliness is Different for Singles: Part 1

If loneliness is such a big problem in the West, why do I approach it from the perspective of singleness? Is there really a difference?

These are questions I've asked myself as I've looked at this topic. I wanted to make sure I wasn't saying something was a factor if it really wasn't. As I've studied, read, and talked to others, I've come to the conclusion that there is a lot about loneliness that is different for singles. There are things about it that need to be addressed.

Some of these things become even more pronounced the older we get as singles. My own experiences make that clear. When I was just finished college and living with roommates my experience of loneliness was different in some ways than it is now, living completely on my own. And I think that makes it even more important to talk about it from the perspective of a since Christian adult - past college and the first few years after college.

In her book, One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church, Gina Dalfonzo expresses it this way:

". . . single people know a unique kind of loneliness."

So, what is this unique kind of loneliness that we face as singles?

I think the bog difference comes in the priority put on relationships with others. This priority doesn't mean we don't value our friends, or value our family. But, how that value plays out looks different for singles.

As Sam Allberry writes in his books 7 Myths about Singleness:

"As a single person, my friends are a lifeline. They're like family. They are the ones with whom I fell more known and loved. . . . I need them. Hugely. But, the fact is, they don't need me in the same way. Many of them are the equivalent of family, but since they have families of their own, the familial sense that I have toward them is not necessarily reciprocated. That might be both good and right, as far as it goes, but it can also be painful at times."

I have good relationships with my family and I am lucky they live in the same city as me, but that's not the case for lots of singles. I relate to what Allberry writes - even with family in the same city. Other singles, who don't have family nearby, relate even more.

I would never say that your family isn't and shouldn't be important for you. But, it does make it hard for singles sometimes who don't have the same family commitment to fill time. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've sat at home knowing my friends are rightly spending time with their families while I long for that to fill my loneliness.

Another part of loneliness that I believe is different for singles comes when we look at the need to always make plans. In her book Singles and the Church Jana Marguerite Bennett writes:

"There is a difference in having someone constantly present, without having to contact a friend and make special arrangements."

This is something that has become a more emphasized difference as I've gotten older. When I had just finished college and still lived with roommates, there was usually someone present and it didn't take special planning to do something. But, the older you get, the more likely it is that you live alone as a single person. And that changes things.

Sometimes it would be nice to not always have to contact someone to not be alone. It would be nice if it happened more easily, or if another friend would initiate the plans more often. I'll be honest that it gets tiring to be the one who is almost always asking to get together. It makes me feel like a nuisance and like no one would notice me if I didn't ask. I know this isn't the intended message, but it feels like this sometimes.