The Hard, the Messy, & the Broken

 As this is Christmas week, it seems fitting to take a few moments to stop and reflect on the Christmas story (I'll be back to my series I'm in the middle of in the new year.)

I opened my Bible to Matthew's record it only a few minutes ago for the first time this season. Much later in December than I usually begin to dive into this familiar story each year.

But, this year, I've struggled with Christmas. If I'm honest, I haven't felt much like celebrating anything at all this year. Even as I sit to write this, there's very little in my house that would indicate it's Christmas.

The only thing I have even put out in the nativity set. The simplest, but maybe the most fitting, for this Christmas.

A few days ago, I came home to find a gift bag at my door. An anonymous friend dropped it off while I was at work. One of the things inside was some beautiful cards with Scripture about the Christmas story and the lyrics to some Christmas carols that tell the story.

Until that delivery, not the nativity set had made it out. I just simply had no interest. But, as I read those cards, I was reminded of what this time of year is really all about for us as Christians . . . the birth of Jesus.

And not into a neat and tidy world. The world Jesus was born into was hard, messy, and broken.

Much like our world today. If I had to give three words to describe our world, those are exactly the words I would use.

Hard.

Messy.

Broken.

That brings me back to Matthew 1. I don't often read the genealogies in Scripture carefully. I skim through the long list of names I can't pronounce, working to quickly get to the other parts. Today, I slowly, carefully read each line, each name.

As I read, I realized something. It wasn't new, but I needed to be reminded of it again today.

Yes, the genealogy show how the prophecies of Jesus' birth were fulfilled. The tribe of Judah. The root of Jesse. Of the line of David. All good stuff. But, not the important stuff for today.

The genealogy of Jesus that Matthew records is full of messy, broken people who have hard stories.

There's women. Not just inferred, but mentioned when that wasn't normal for that time.

There's prostitutes.

There's outsiders to the Jewish people.

There's adulterers and murderers.

There's people who didn't follow God with their lives.

There's people who were led astray.

All mixed in with those who were faithful followers of God. Sometimes the faithful follower of God is also the one who messed up.

Jesus' earthly genealogy doesn't hide the hard, the messy, the broken. It includes it for all to see and be reminded of.

Why?

Because God has redeemed it and used it for His purposes. It's God's specialty.

God takes our hard, messy, and broken and He redeems it. He uses it for His purposes and His glory.

I don't know where this Christmas finds you. 2020 has been a year like no other we've experienced. And we're all approaching this Christmas differently. 

But, can I remind you today that whatever hard, messy, and broken your life holds right now, God's not done. 

If you'll let Him, He can take it and turn it into something beautiful. It may not be exactly the beautiful we expect or happen the way we want it to, but, if we allow it, God will turn our hard, messy, and broken into beautiful - just like He did with Jesus' earthly genealogy.

I know that's hope I'm choosing to cling to right now. Even when I don't feel like celebrating the way I usually do this time of year, I can choose to celebrate because I have a God who specializes in turning hard, messy, and broken into beautiful for His purpose and His glory.

Why Do We Need Hugs?

 Have you ever had a time when you just felt like you needed a hug?

Or a time when someone gave you a hug and it changed how you were feeling - for the better?

I know I can easily answer both of those questions with yes.

I didn't know the science behind it all, but I've known hugs were important to our health.

Now, I know we're all different. For some of us, the more hugs the better. Other don't feel the need for many at all. Wherever you fall on this, I hop you'll read on.

One of the first things I searched was how many hugs you needed in a days. That resulted in an answer that surprised me:

"Family therapist Virginia Satir once said, 'We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.' While that may sound like a lot of hugs, it seems that many hugs are better than not enough." (https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits#How-many-hugs-do-we-need?, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

Whether you feel you need this many hugs a day or not, I think it reminds us that hugs are incredibly important.

My next question was about why hugs are so important. There were many sites that offered lists and articles on the benefits of hugging (I'll include some further links at the end of this post for those who want to read more). While the lists were slightly different, all came back to similar lists of benefits:

1) Hugs reduce stress by showing support

2) Hugs protect you against illness

3) Hugs may boost your hearth health

4) Hugs can make you happier

5) Hugs help reduce your fears

6) Hugs many help you reduce your pain

7) Hugs help you communicate with others

(https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

One of the reasons why these benefits exist with hugging is because of what it triggers inside our bodies.

"Oxytocin is a chemical in our bodies that scientists sometimes call the 'cuddle hormone.' This is because its levels rise when we hug, touch, or sit close to someone else. Oxytocin is associated with happiness and less stress." (https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

I think, if anything, my study of the science behind physical touch reinforces what I already knew about the good a hug or someone putting a hand on your shoulder does. It is a vital part of our lives. And that's whether you're a hugger or not. We all need people physically close to us.

Now, we move into what would be more what usually gets posted on this blog.

How does this need for physical touch play out in every day life?

How does it look in the church?

What do our current thoughts, opinions, attitudes, and actions in the church say about how we view this topic?

What does it look like for singles in the church?

_____________________________________________

Links to some of the other reading I did as I was preparing for this post and last week's post:

All links were correct and led to articles as of the writing of the post, Dec 11, 2020.

1) Why Physical Touch Matters for Your Wellbeing 

 https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_physical_touch_matters_for_your_well_being

2) The Power of Touch

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201303/the-power-touch

3) The Science of Touch

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hands_on_research#:~:text=There%20are%20studies%20showing%20that,aka%20%E2%80%9Cthe%20love%20hormone.%E2%80%9D

4) What are the Health Benefits of Affective Touch?

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323143

What Does Science Say?

 So, what does science say?

This isn't often my next question in a series, but as I began to dig into this topic, I realized I couldn't adequately address physical touch without looking at this question. This led to s study I I found fascinating and I could have just kept going with no end in sight.

As I studied, one thing became incredibly clear to me: Physical touch is important for our health - physically and psychologically. The benefits of a hug, a hand on a shoulder, even just being physically close to another person cannot be denied.

All of this, for me, pointed to something: God created us with a need for physical touch, which means it is a good thing. Unfortunately, as sinful human beings, we have also perverted it and used it for harm. But, even this doesn't change the fact that we need it to be healthy.

One of the sites I came across that talked about our need for physical touch was clear on why we need it. There are benefits for our functioning:

"When you feel snowed under or pressured, the body releases the stress hormone cortisol. One of the biggest things touch can do is reduce such stress, allowing the immune system to work the way it should." (https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#benefits-of-touch, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

This wasn't the only benefit given.

"Touch can also calm certain bodily functions, such as your heart rate and blood pressure. It does so by stimulating pressure receptors that transport signals to the vagus nerve. This nerve connects the brain to the rest of the body. It uses the signals to slow the pace the nervous system." (https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#benefits-of-touch, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

Physical touch makes a difference in our bodies functioning. We need it for things to function well.

There was one more thing I came across that intrigued me:

"Plus, it tackles loneliness. Even gentle touch from a stranger has been shown to reduce feelings of social exclusion." (https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#benefits-of-touch, accessed Dec 11, 2020)

As I thought about this more, I realized how true it is. I've experienced it myself and I'm sure many of you have too. When you're at some sort of gathering and someone greets you in a way that includes some form of physical touch (a hug, a handshake, a pat on the back) and you almost instantly feel like a part of the group.

I think that's where I'll end for today. But, my next post will look more specifically at hugging and the benefits of it.

What Does the Bible Say? (Part 2)

 Is Jesus' ministry on earth the only example of physical touch we find in the Bible?

This is the question I was still wrestling with as I finished last week's post. 

Jesus' life and ministry is certainly one of the clearest examples. And there isn't a list of direct commands or prohibitions given in Scripture. Some aspects of it are covered in other directives, but physical touch is not an item with a specific list of things in Scripture.

But, Scripture is also not completely silent on examples of other situations.

One of the things we see that we still often practice in our churches today is laying hands on people as we pray for them or commission them. (Acts 6:6, 9:17-19, 13:3, 2 Timothy 1:6)

Until the study for this posts, I've never really thought about this as being an example of physical touch. But it one. And it is an example of physical touch that we seem to see as acceptable for all in most situations.

There was one more example of what could be interpreted as physical touch in Scripture. Paul ends a number of his letters with these words and you can also see it in one of Peter's letters. At a glance we amy not see them as words about physical touch because of cultural differences.

Paul & Peter both end these letters with the words: 'Greet one another with a holy kiss." (Romans 16:16, 1 Corinthians 16:20, 2 Corinthians 13:12, 1 Thessalonians 5:26, 1 Peter 5:14)

It's easy to just move quickly past these words as not being important. But when I stopped and took the time to understand what was meant by this simple sentence.

As I looked at commentaries on these verses it started to become clear that this was about a greeting of mutual affection in the family of God.

In the note on Romans 16:16, Barne's Notes on the New Testament, it is described this way:

"Greet one another in an affectionate manner; that is, treat one another with kindness and love, and evince all the proper marks of affection."

This kind of greeting would be along the lines of a quick hug or a handshake today.

Talking about 1 Thessalonians 5:26, The Moody Bible Commentary says this:

"Paul's final requests included prayer for himself, and that the intimate gesture of the holy kiss be shared with all. This 'kiss' was a common gesture of fellowship meant to convey affection and unity. While it might still be an appropriate gesture in some cultures today, in others, more culturally acceptable gestures would adequately fulfill the apostle's intent."

These words from Paul and Peter would indicate a level of closeness in the greeting of other believers where physical touch would be part of it. Nothing sexual or impure is involved. This is simply being willing to be close enough to physically touch each other.

While I'm sure with more study, I could find more in the Bible on this topic. But, I will be moving on in my writing on this in the coming weeks. Next week, I'll be starting to talk about what science says about our need for things like hugs and people sitting close to us. It's been a fascinating topic to dive into.

What Does the Bible Say?

 This is the questions I always like to start with when I'm working on a blog series. I think it's the best place to start. After all, the Bible is our authority on how to live as Christians.

So, what does the Bible say about physical touch?

I'd never read any of my Bible looking for references to physical touch before. It was a different study with this topic in mind.

The first place I looked was probably one the more obvious places. Jesus' life and ministry.

It didn't take long to see that Jesus regularly touched people when He ministered to them. Often when He healed people, but also the children who were brought to Him (Mark 10:13-16, Luke 13:10-17)

It was Jesus' healing of people by touching them that most caught my attention. Jesus could have healed them with a word - something He did on many occasions. Yet, there are occasions when the gospel writers were very clear that Jesus touched those He healed.

As I looked at those times Jesus touched someone to heal them, they were people who wouldn't ben used to being touch. Some because the law actually said they couldn't be touched without making someone unclean, as the person in need of healing was considered unclean. Others because they're reality made it unlikely they would be touched by others, at least not in healthy ways.

So, what did physical touch look like for Jesus?

Jesus touched a man with leprosy to heal him (Matthew 8:1-4, Mark 1:40-45, Luke 5:12-14)

Leprosy made the man unclean. Being unclean excluded him from daily life interactions that were normal. It excluded him from going to the temple. And people would have gone out of their way not to touch him so they didn't also become unclean.

Even in the man's words to Jesus, there is a sense of his desire to be included and be able to be touched by others again. Matthew 8:2 records his question: "Lord, if you're willing you can make me clean." Yes, being clean implies being healed of leprosy, but I think the desire to be clean goes beyond just the healing. Jesus was willing and He reached out to touch this man. In doing so, healing his leprosy and restoring that healthy physical touch for the man.

We also see Jesus touch those who were deaf or blind to heal them (Matthew 9:27-31, 20:29-34, Mark 7:31-37, 8:22-26, John 9:1-12)

In that day, those who were deaf or blind would have had no choice but to beg from others for daily necessities. While times change, not everything does and I don't imagine beggars in Jesus' day were treated much different than today. Largely ignored or seen as a nuisance. And definitely not touched by those who passed them by. Yet, Jesus chose to touch them in His healing of them.

When I look at Jesus' example, I see somehow who was not afraid of physical touch. And not with just a few people. Jesus accepted it all from anyone who gave it and He gave it to many - often to those on the outside.

There is more to discuss about what the Bible says about physical touch to come.

What we All Need

 When I wrote my series on singleness in the church a year and half ago, there was a topic I completely avoided. It came up a few times in my research and writing, but I always had a good reason to skip over it. There was always something else to write about.

The truth is that I just didn't want to go there or open up that topic. But the last nine months have brought it back to the surface and I can't avoid it anymore.

I touched on it a little bit in my post last week, but there's so much more to it than what I wrote there. In the next few posts, I'm going to be talking about physical touch and our need for it. And take a look at what Scripture says about it.

Because this is a topic with potential for so much confusion, I'm going to start with being clear about what I'm not talking about:

1) I'm not talking about one of the five love languages that are popular to talk about. You don't get to tune out or stop reading because it's not your love language.

2) I'm not talking about sexual touch or love. That is a different topic, and one I currently have no plans to write about.

So, what am I talking about? What do I mean when I say physical touch?

I'm talking about those moments of connection with someone that comfort, soothe, make us feel loved and safe. A hug from a friend. A hand of comfort on our shoulder. A friend just being physically close to us while we watch a movie or enjoy being outside.

And, as I think about this topic, I've been hesitant to go here in the past, because of the huge possibilities of misunderstanding. Especially as I move into talking about what it looks like for a single person. 

As Lore Ferguson Wilbert writes in her excellent book Handle With Care: How Jesus Redeems the Power of Touch in Life and Ministry:

"Our society simply doesn't know what to do with the human body or human touch. Our culture is confused, and confusion only results in more confusion."

It's easy to look at culture and see the confusion. But it's not limited to secular culture.

I would argue that the church is just as confused - in some cases, even more confused - than our culture. We've just replaced the lack of rules or boundaries you could say is our culture's problem, with a long list of things we can and cannot do. A list that actually can't be found in Scripture. A list that often causes harm in exactly the ways we're trying to protect ourselves.

So, I will start with the next post looking at Jesus' use of physical touch in Scripture. And move from there into discussion about life and life as a single person in this area.

I Just Need a Hug

 Who knew the day would come when I would be hesitant to utter (or write) those words?

Who knew the day would come that someone could say those words and not have an abundance of people offer an immediate hug?

But, that is the reality of the times we're living in right now. This isn't the time of greeting people with a hug.

(Before I go any further, let me be clear on one thing: This is not a space to debate the response to the current pandemic. There will be no tolerance for arguing about whether the right decisions have been made. I am talking about a need many have and how we can respond in a challenging time.)

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm not a big hugger. I enjoy giving and receiving hugs, but I'm not someone who just hugs everyone I see. But, even I have reached the point where I would hug almost anyone willing to hug.

I understand why it's not happening right now. The reasoning makes sense to me. I get it. I'll respect the rules, guidelines, public health orders of this time.

I didn't realize how important something that seems as simple as a hug was to our health until that was limited and removed in most cases. I live alone, so there's not an option of people to hug in my house every day. This time has made me all the more grateful for the couple of people in my life who I do still get to hug - although sometimes that's still not enough.

And, if I'm struggling with this right now, then I can't even imagine what it's like for those who are huggers - for those whose default greeting of someone is a hug.

Science and human experience tells us how important that physical contact with others is for your health - physically, spiritually, emotionally. 

And, so I've been wrestling with this question:

How do we deal with our need for physical contact - for things like hugs - in a time when we need to limit our physical contact? What can we do?

Because if I'm honest, I'd just go for being able to sit closer to someone than two meters apart from someone.

I know from experience, the good a hug can do. I've been in situations where it calms my anxiety in a moment. I feel my shoulders relax. Even though, it doesn't remove the worries or hurts, it eases the pain and stress of it.

There is lots out there that supports to science of the good hugs do for us. A simple search will bring a lengthy list of scientific articles and news stories about them.

So, what does all this mean? How can we meet this need right now?

I don't know that I have a clear answer on it. I don't know that I have the answer.

But, what I will say . . . hug the people who are in your circle right now. Make the space for that, because I think we all need it right now.

And care about those who you can't hug. Take the time you can to still listen and be there. It might be the same as a hug, but even those conversations with others who care, who I know in other circumstances would freely offer a hug, still help.

Hug those in your circle as much as you all need to.

Listen to and care in other ways for those you can't hug right now.

Letting the Faith of Others Carry you in the Struggle

 A couple days ago, I got a message asking why I hadn't posted anything here in just over a month. I knew it had been a while, but I didn't realize it had been that long.

If I look at the notebook where I start most of my posts, I can see a lot of started and unfinished posts. Things I started to write, but had no idea how to finish or turn into something I would share. Thoughts about things that I can't yet get to a conclusion of any kind.

The last post I wrote and shared here challenged me as I read it. I was writing about getting through when you don't think you can. About what we need to do.

I talked about our need to invite community into our struggle. To have people we can be honest with about where we're at. It was easy to write that, but the truth is, it was harder to live that out. I wrote those words for others, not even realizing how much I would struggle to do exactly that in the last few weeks.

It wasn't until I completely reached the end of myself that I realized just how important it is to invite people into our struggle. It's not just a good thing to talk about. It's something we need to actually do. It wasn't until I actually reached out to friends and let them into my struggle that things began to change. My faith may be weak right now, but that's what community is for. We carry each other when someone is struggling. We carry them to Jesus.

When the whole premise of what you've written about for years is living as Christ's disciple and what that looks like practically, when things get hard, it's hard to write about it. But maybe honesty about things is the best place to start writing again.

I don't know what my writing will look like in the coming weeks. I don't know if there will be more that make its way to here. Or if it will continue to be unfinished ideas that don't make it here.

But can I encourage you with this: No matter where you're at spiritually, keep holding on. Keep sharing honestly with people in your life. When you're faith is struggling, ask the people around you to pray for you. Let their faith carry you when yours is weak.

When You're Not Sure if You Can Get Through It

 How do we get through hard times? 

How do we make it when it just seems like too much?

I know God doesn't promise an easy, trouble-free life, but sometimes it just doesn't feel possible to get through all that's going on at one time. And, if I'm honest, in those times, I wonder how I'm supposed to get through.

I share a few thoughts about this on my Facebook feed on Sunday night. I wasn't sure where it would go when I started writing it, or what the response would be when I posted it. But, what I discovered, is that I'm not the only one wrestling with this right now. So, I figured that after almost a month of no posts here, something on this topic would be a good way to start again.

I haven't posted here because I'm in the place I'm talking about and I haven't felt like I had anything to write about because of it. But, then I remember why I started this blog in the first place. Not because I intended to write about things where I had it all figured out, but to encourage others in their walks with God whatever it looked like. So maybe writing from a place of struggle is what I should do.

How do we get through hard times?

How do we make it when it just seems like too much?

I've been in the church long enough to know what the answer should be.

Cling to Jesus.

Read your Bible. Pray. 

All good things. But, sometimes that doesn't feel like enough. When reading the Bible doesn't connect and your prayers feel like they're bouncing off the ceiling, the "right" answer, the church answer, doesn't feel like enough.

So, what do we do then?

First, I think we need to be willing to admit it. Just be honest and say that we're struggling. To ourselves, and hopefully to trusted friends too. There's something about saying it or writing it down.

Then, we need to reach out. Those trusted friends. Our church community. The people we do life with. We need them. They're the people God has given us to help us through the times we don't know if we can get through it.

And, probably the hardest part, we need to keep reading our Bibles, keep praying, keep being a part of church. It might not feel like something we want to do right now. It might be the last thing we want to fill our time with. But, keeping on will make a difference in the long run. It may be a discipline right now, but the day will come when it becomes a delight to do those things again.

Growing Through Challenge or Yearning for "Normal"

 "I'm just waiting for things to go back to normal."

"Can we ever go back to normal."

"I wish things were normal again."

You've probably though, or even said, those words or something like them in the last five months. You're probably heard them from other many times.

We're living in a world that's been turned upside-down by something we can't even see. Our normal has been taken away. Everything feels strange.

And we're struggling with that.

I know I am. All I want to do is go to a gathering with friends and give them all long hugs. And, for someone who doesn't usually often struggles in large group gatherings and doesn't just hug everyone, that says a lot. If I'm feeling this way, I know lots of others are too.

We just want normal back.

We talk about a new normal. About what it might look like. What it might mean. How we can manage.

But it's not what we really want.

When you get beneath it all, we're longing for normal. For how things used to be.

Before I go on, let me be clear on one thing: I'm not here to debate whether we have a new normal. I'm not going to debate the choices made or not made. While our current reality has prompted some of the thoughts in this post, I'm not writing about opinions on it. You can agree or disagree, but this is not the place to debate that. I will delete all comments along those lines without notice or comment from me.

Whatever happens, there is one thing we know, this has changed and will continue to change us all. Just as any difficult time will do. When we walk through something hard, we will come out of it different than we were when we entered in.

I've been reading Beth Moore's newest book Chasing Vines and working on the study that goes with it. A couple days ago, I read a chapter that challenged me on how hard times change us. In the book, Beth writes:

"When we're going through a difficult season, wouldn't the best news of all be that life would simply go back to normal someday? When the framework of our daily existence gets completely dismantled and the landscape around us grows increasingly unreliable, our strongest longing is seldom prosperity. What we yearn for is normalcy. We don't tend to ask for the moon when we've lost all we've known. We just want some semblance of our old lives back.

The hard truth is, there's no real going back. But once we get up again, there can be a going forward. In His faithfulness, God sees to it what we thought was the end isn't the end at all. And eventually, perhaps not terribly long after, we realize we transitioned into a new normal."

We can't go back to what was normal before because what we've walked through has changed us. We're not the same person, so even the same things will be different because we've changed.

The danger for us comes when we become so focused on getting back to "normal" we miss God's new in our lives. When we do this, we stop producing any fruit for God's kingdom in our lives.

A little later in the same chapter, Beth writes:

"But in time, finding fruitfulness again will make more difference than you can imagine. If we can't have our treasured yesterday back, at least tomorrow can matter. The wonder of fruit bearing is that something meaningful can come from the meanest of seasons. What we endured matters."

If we allow God to work through our hard times, He will produce something beautiful in our lives. That is always His plan. But, we can't hold onto and keep looking for what once was.

So, how do we do this? How do we move through hard seasons and allow God to bring something beautiful out of them?

In the Bible study that goes along with the book, Beth writes:

"It is human nature to focus on what has changed in our lives and to long for what we once had. But when we're faced with the pain and anxiety of loss and change, perhaps we should fix our minds on what remains the same in our lives. God is constant even when our circumstances are not."

We get through and begin to live the new life God has for us by fixing our eyes on Him. He doesn't change no matter our circumstances.

So, where are your eyes fixed right now?

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:18

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." - Hebrews 12:1-2

It's Strange Right Now

 Can we just acknowledge it . . . ???

Church is a little strange right now. Well, all of life is. But, today, I'm talking specifically about church.

For some, church is still online. Sitting in your living room, logging onto your computer.

For others, church may have begun to gather again. But, it definitely doesn't look the same. Doesn't look the way we're used to it looking.

But, as I discovered when I could walk into the church building I'd taken for granted, it is also good to be back. Even though I know the church isn't a building and that just because we couldn't gather in our usual place didn't mean we were no longer the church, there's still something about the place we gather as the family of God. 

As I've arrived for church and watched others arrive and find a seat in this strange situation we find ourselves in, I've realized that for the first time many are feeling something I've felt many times before - long before things became what they are now. There's something that I'm recognizing in their faces that's familiar.

You see . . . when the place you sit is carefully chosen and you're not just sitting close to everyone else in the room, it can feel lonely. You can feel like you're completely alone, even when there's other people in the room. When you have to keep the appropriate distance between you and others, it can emphasize those feelings of being alone. And, even moreso for those who are coming to church alone right now, when they would usually come with others.

I've struggled with since being able to go back. In some ways, the fact that I'm single is more emphasized than ever, because I can't just find friends to sit with. But, it's also a familiar feeling for me. There have been many times when I've walked into church, and not seeing anyone I would normally sit with, felt very alone int he group.

So, speaking from experience, maybe I can offer a bit of encouragement in this time: Let's be intentional about loving one another. Be compassionate. And offer that smile and hello. Even though we can't stop like we normally would and sit down to have the conversation or give a hug to someone,  we can still be the family of God and care for and love each other.

And don't be afraid to acknowledge that it feels strange. That it's hard. That, although we might be glad to be back, we're also still struggling with how we have to do things to be back.

When Words Hold You Back

"How can you pray for me when my prayer need is about my marriage and you've never been married?"

It's a question I was asked about 15 years ago, as I was part of a prayer team. And a question I've never forgotten.

I don't remember how I answered that night. But I did pray for this person.

And then it took another 10 years before I allowed myself to be in a position like that again.

I walked away from that conversation doubting whether I could or should step into what I felt like God was calling me to. I questioned if I should wait until I was married to step into ministry outside of with children and youth. I questioned if I was even allowed to be involved in adult ministry before I was married, or at least had many, many more decades of life experience.

I never told anyone about this experience. I never voiced my doubts or questions to anyone. I just held onto them. I was held back for years by this one question I was asked. I don't remember who said those words, but they had a profound impact on my life for years.

I wonder what stories you could tell about the impact of someone's words on your life. The impact could be good or it could hold us back. The challenge is that we're more likely to remember the words that us to question and doubt, the words that hold us back.

That's what happened to me. I know at the same time as I heard the words above, there were words spoken to me that encouraged and affirmed me in stepping out. But, I don't remember those words clearly. In the presence of doubt, they quickly lost their power.

If you've made it this far into the post, I wonder is you relate?

As you've read my experience maybe your own experience has come to mind.

What are the words that have been spoken over you or to you that have held you back?

What are the experiences in your past that have made you decide to stay back in the shadows rather than stepping into what you know God is prompting you to do?

There is good news. We don't have to live by these words and experiences. We can live free of them.

I know it's possible, because it's been my experience. It takes a choice to do the work of changing your thinking and learn what the truth is, what God says about you. But it is possible.

It starts with exactly where my questions have brought you. We have to start with acknowledging the words and experiences. We're often not aware of them, so we ask God to show us.

Once we're aware and acknowledge them, healing begins. We ask God to speak His truth the those lies we've been believing. Then we regularly remind ourselves of the truth until we actually believe it. And we step out and do what we've been hiding from. 

I still remember the first night I put myself back in a similar role - praying for people who requested it. I made a commitment to do it and stepped back in. Choosing to believe the truth that God wanted me there and He would equip me for it.

So, what do you do next?

Ask God for His truth to believe, instead of the lies that's been holding you back.

Remind yourself of the truth regularly. Keep doing it until you start believing it.

Step in. Do it with shaky hands and a quivering voice. But do it.

If you're overwhelmed or not sure how to move on, talk to someone. Tell them your story about what happened, what was said that is holding you back. Ask them to pray for you. Ask them to help you take the first step.

Hiding

"I'm not good at . . . "

"I'm not gifted at . . . "

"I don't do . . . "

"I'm not qualified to do . . . "

You can fill in the blank with all sorts of different things. 

The specifics are probably different for each of us. But the theme of what we're saying is the same.

We look at others and decide we don't measure up. They're better at it than us. They're more qualified than we are. They've been gifted by God for something and we haven't been.

Or, maybe, we've been silenced by the words of others. The words might have been very direct, or they might have been more subtle than that. But however they were delivered, they've had the result of silencing us and stopping us.

So we believe the lie and make excuses for why we can't or won't or shouldn't do something. We actually start to believe it. 

This has been something I've done for a lot of my life. I let past experiences and words spoken decide what I could and couldn't do. I compared myself to others and decided I didn't measure up. 

I've had to learn to believe the truth of what God says about me above anything else. To step into what He has for me, no matter what. Even when it puts me in a place where I feel vulnerable.

Being vulnerable makes us step back. It makes us hide. It reinforces our reasons why we can't and the lives we believe. But, this is exactly when we need to step into what God has for us.

I've been reading a book recently that has challenged me more in this. There's a part I read earlier today that really challenged me.

"Don't anesthetize your passion. Don't devalue the vulnerability you feel when you lead. Don't dismiss your vulnerability, your emotion, your tears as a sign of incompetence and disqualify yourself. Your voice doesn't need to be polished; it needs to be real, raw, and brave. And present." (Jo Saxton, Ready to Rise)

Where are you hiding?

Where are you silenced?

Where do you need to step into what God has for you?

Wrestling with the Struggle

Last week I posted on Facebook about being single and still having that desire for marriage - even when I enjoy my life right now. I had no idea what the response would be  and I was a little overwhelmed by the way so many responded.

Those thoughts have not been far away since then. Every time I open Facebook, I'm reminded. I've lost count of the number of friends and family who have been posting about anniversaries in the last few weeks. It seems like I'm writing a happy anniversary message multiple times a day. And most of them are for ten, twenty, twenty-five years together.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's been hard. And that I've wanted to avoid seeing another post on someone's anniversary.

I'm happy for my friends and family whose marriages have reached those milestones. I want that to be celebrated for and with them.

But, it's also a constant reminder I don't have that in my life. I'm being continually reminded that I'm still single, despite a desire for marriage, long past when most of my friends and family were.

So, what do I do in times like this?

Secondly, as friends and family, what can you do?

The first question - what do I do? It has to start with admitting this is how I feel, this is my struggle. And taking it to God. I don't have the ability to change this all on my own, so that's what I can do.

For many of you reading this, the second question is maybe more applicable.

As friends and family, what can you?

I'm actually going to start the answer with things you shouldn't do:

• Don't quote the verse in Isaiah about God being a husband to me. It's hurtful. It's theologically suspect to make it about an individual. And it doesn't encourage me. I wrote a post specifically on this verse and using it in this context 7 years ago (almost to the day) that you can read here.
• Don't try to tell me I have the gift of singleness. I don't. I've also written more about this - you can find those posts here.
• Don't give me advice on what you think I should so to get married or tell me how something specific worked for someone else you know. I'm not looking for that when I say these things. You can read more about this topic specifically here and here.
• Don't make my longing for marriage out to be wrong or an idol. That hurts, a lot - something I talk more about here.

Now, what can you do?

Listen.

Care.

Pray.

It's that simple . . .

. . . And that hard to do.

Listen. Be a safe place for me to admit the struggle. Not so you can get to your words, but just to let me talk about it somewhere.

Care. Even if you don't understand exactly, you know what it's like to struggle and how you want someone to care about your struggles without immediately giving advice or trying to fix it.

Pray. As I wrestle with this desire that doesn't seem to be being met. This is the best support you could give me.

Brave?

Brave.

I see that word from almost everywhere in my house. It's written on the chalkboard hanging by my reading chair.

Brave.

The word God gave for 2020 in January.

I've struggled with seeing that word written there for the last few months. I definitely haven't felt brave - at least no according to what I've always thought of as brave. I mostly feel like it's just been taking everything I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That hardly feels like what comes to mind when I think of the word brave.

A few days ago, I decided to look up what the word actually meant. To see if my thoughts were correct. I was both surprised and encouraged by what I found.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives a few different definitions, depending on whether you're using it as an adjective, verb, or noun. They're all related though.

Adjective - having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty: having or showing courage

Verb - to face or endure with courage

Noun - one with mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty

 

So my thoughts of brave referring to someone who boldly steps into danger weren't wrong, but they were incomplete. Brave doesn't only mean that. Sometimes it can mean just keeping going and moving forward in the face of fear, anxiety, or uncertainty. 

As I dug into how the word brave is used in Scripture, I was challenged in my understanding of the word. Depending on the translation you uses, the same word is sometimes rendered as brave and sometimes as courage or courageous.

I noticed on important thing that changed everything for me. In the majority of uses I could find, this word was used in reference to trusting in God, to depending on Him.

"Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord's help." (Psalm 27:14, NCV)

"I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble, but be brave! I have defeated the world." (John 16:33, NCV)

"On the day I called to you, you answered me. You made me strong and brave. (Psalm 138:3, NCV)

*see also Psalm 31:24, Joshua 1:7-9, 10:25, Deuteronomy 31:6-7, 1 Thessalonians 2:2

I used the NCV (New Century Version) for this as it specifically uses the word brave - in most of these verses, the NIV uses the word courage or courageous.

This is how Scripture defines brave.

Dependence on God. Trust in God.

Seeing the word brave as I go through my day doesn't feel so out of place anymore.

We Need More than Nice Words on a Sign

"Worry ends where faith begins"

"Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its troubles; they empty today of its joy"

"Faith means you have peace, even when the world doesn't have peace"

These are words I've read regularly on a couple of church signs I drive by. They've said the same things since sometime in March.

At first, I read them and moved on. But the longer I see them, the more frustrated I've become with the message.

They're good sounding words. They should like they could be encouraging in an uncertain time. There's even a bit of truth to what they say.

But even those thoughts reveal the problem with them. Yes, they sound good. But, if you're actually struggling with worry, fear, anxiety, they've not encouraging words. They sound like a platitude - you just have to have more faith.

Is the message on these signs in line with Scripture?

Yes. A quick reading would say that.

But, I would also say no. I think that's why, over time, these messages have begun to frustrate me. 

What do I mean?

Yes, Scripture tells us not to worry. And Scripture encourages us to have faith.

No, because Scripture also acknowledges the struggle with worry, fear, anxiety and gives us a whole lot more than just an admonishment to have more faith. Scripture doesn't set worry and faith as opposites - even though we like to do that.

Let's take a look at some of what Scripture actually says.

One of the most commonly quoted Scriptures is Matthew 6:25-34. Jesus' teaching on worry in Sermon on the Mount. We're clearly told not to worry. Jesus makes the futility of worry pretty clear here. He also tells us to choose to seek God first in our lives instead.

But, what we're not told is significant here. We're not told that worry means we don't have faith. Jesus tells us not to worry and He tells us to seek God first, but this passage doesn't say that worry, fear, anxiety negates faith. I would argue that to seek God first instead of staying stuck in worry, fear, anxiety, means you have some measure of faith to begin with - even though you also have worry, fear, anxiety.

We like to use Philippians 4:6-7 in these discussions as well. In these verses, Paul tells us to go to God with our worries, fears, anxieties. We're told to tell them to God so we can experience His peace. If those worries, fears, anxieties mean we don't have faith, why would our response be prayer? That makes no sense.

In 1 Peter 5:7 we're told to "cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Again, if those anxieties, fears, worries mean you have no faith, why would you cast them on Jesus? To choose to cast them on Jesus, you would need to believe that He cares about you and wants to know.

We can worry about things and still have faith. If worry, fear, anxiety is the antithesis of faith, it would be hard for many of us to have faith. Who hasn't worried sometimes? Who hasn't dealt with fear over certain things? Who hasn't had anxieties?

I believe it all comes down to what we do with our worries, fears, anxieties. We can have them alongside faith, if we're choosing to take our worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus.

Carrying our worries, fears, anxieties on our own will cause us to miss out on what's going on in the moment. But it's not as simple as telling someone that. Sometimes we might need to help them take their worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus.

That's something I'm grateful for a friend doing for me recently. I was struggling with all that's going on and the worry, fear, anxiety it has brought to my life. After seeing me in an inline meeting where I wasa struggling to hold it together, this friend phoned me.

She listened, pointed me to the truth of Scripture, and prayed for me on the phone. In doing so, she helped me take my worries, fears, anxieties to Jesus and leave them there, because I had faith that He could take them and carry them better than I could.

I didn't need church signs with good sounding words on them to help me with my worry, fear, anxiety. I didn't need to be told to just have more faith. I needed to be reminded that I have a place I can take my worry, fear, anxiety. And I needed a friend to remind me that I still had faith.

So, maybe, rather than looking for good sounding words, we can instead help one another walk out the faith we already have when we're struggling.

Don't Forget the Singles

After weeks of being limited to only those we live with, most of us are beginning to see opportunity to slowly and carefully begin to expand our circles again.

We need this. And we're looking forward to it.

But, even as I look forward to this, I'm also struggling with what has seemed to become an unintended reality of what it may look like.

While the terminology used has been varied depending on who has made the announcement, the point has been that this expansion of circles needs to be done slowly and carefully. And from the conversations I've had and the comments I've read in various places, the understanding of how to do this is just as varied.

One of the most prevalent thoughts I've read has been about this meaning we need to choose one and only one family to add right now. And I understand the thinking about it. Another family, means there are adults for the parents to visit with and kids for the kids to do stuff with. In lots of ways it makes sense.

This is where I'm struggling though. It leaves me wondering where I fit? Where does a single person fit in this expansion of people's circles if it's all focused on families, and having two families that spend time together now?

Here's the thing . . . these last two months, I have spent more time alone than most who are not single. Yes, I know you were at home too. I know you have significant changes in your world. And you've had extensive time with just your family.

But, here's the big difference . . . it was you and your family in your house.

For me . . . in my house, it's been just me. Yes, I went to work - to work in an office by myself most of the time. Then I came home and spent evenings and weekends sitting in my house by myself.

So, forgive me if I'm a little frustrated by all the talk of just making things two families doing things together now. If that's the way we move forward, then this change means absolutely nothing for me. It still means I'm sitting at home alone all the time. It still means the need for community that God has given me is being ignored.

In response, I've had some people tell me that the people I add need to be my family. But, that kind of feels like a double standard. Why does the couple who is married with kids get to add people who aren't family to their circle and I don't?

If the only people you're going to add to your circle right now are your parents and your siblings, then maybe that comment is valid. But, if you're adding friends to your circle, then I'm left wondering why there's a double standard.

In fact, that kind of comment speaks right into the way we far too often treat single people as second-class citizens. There's one standard for families, and a different one for single adults - one that has different, unfair, and unrealistic standards for the single person.

That's not something I'm going to do any more. I've spent dedicated a lot of time on this blog in the last year to speaking about those thoughts, double standards, and challenges.

So, here's my plea: Don't forget the singles in your world right now.

If you stop and think about it, you'll probably be surprised by how many single people are in your world.

I know this is a time when we have to be careful and do things slowly, but don't forget the singles. Look for ways that you can safely include them in this time. Don't leave them sitting on the sidelines wondering why they still have to deal with the double standard.


Note: This is not a place to debate whether or not we should be making these changes. I will remove/edit all comments that try to take things in that direction.

Let's Stop Pretending we Have it All Together All the Time

We all need permission to not have it all together all the time. But, we don't usually feel like we have it.

This post was prompted by a song by a dear friend of mine on this same idea. As I listened to the song on the way home from work today, I was struck by what it said. God was using it to remind me and encourage me about some things I've been struggling with lately.

The truth is that we all need to feel like we have permission to be broken. We need to know it's okay to not be okay, to need each other, to let our brokenness be seen by others.

But, we don't usually operate this way. We try to cover it up, to pretend everything is good.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few days thinking about why we do this.

Why do we try so hard to hide our brokenness?

Why do we work so hard to look like everything is good?

It seems to me that we've gotten our thinking messed up here. We've believed the lie that we have to have it all together. That we have to be okay. That we have to be able to do it all, balance it all. And look good while doing it.

But then I look at Scripture and I see something very different presented. Galatians 6:2 tells us we should carry one another's burdens. We carry one another's burdens if we're busy trying to make it look like we've got it all together. To be able to carry each other's burdens we have to share what they are. And that means letting others know we're broken.

I was reminded of this last weekend. As I sat in my house at church online, I found that I was unable to sing the words to one of the songs. That song was declaring God's goodness. While I still absolutely believe God is goo, I was struggling with that in the moment.

And I realized I hadn't been letting anyone see or hear that struggle for a couple weeks. I had been working hard to present an image of having it all together in every situation, even though I was often barely holding on and getting through. All because I thought that's what I needed to do.

In that moment, I clicked on the option to ask for prayer and told the person who responded about my struggle. I gave myself permission to be broken and to let another person see it. And the response was full of grace and love.

That simple click and choosing to share changed so much.

It didn't instantly change everything to be good.

It didn't remove my struggle.

But, it let light in.

It reminded me I wasn't alone and didn't have to try to do it alone.

In it all, I was reminded of the importance of being honest and allowing our brokenness to be seen. I was reminded of the importance of carrying one another's burdens as Scripture tells us to. Of not just being the one to carry other's burdens, but also allowing others to carry mine.

So, let's stop pretending we have it all together all the time.

Let's give each other space and permission to be broken.

Let's learn to carry one another's burdens - both us carrying them for others and letting others carry ours.

Unexpected Blessings

Yesterday was my birthday. And it looked nothing like I had planned it to look, by no choice of my own.

If I'm honest, I was dreading yesterday. Time away, a visit from a friend, a chance to celebrate . . . all of these were taken away from me due to the current situation in our world. And I wasn't feeling much like celebrating.

I wanted to hide from the world. But, at the same time, I'm also tired of hiding away. All I wanted was for things to be normal and to be able to celebrate with my friends.

It would have been easy to stay stuck in the things I was missing that I wanted. In the things I couldn't do that I had been planning. And that would have made for a long and depressing day.

When I arrived at work yesterday morning and said hi to a coworker, I realized that I still had a choice. Instead of staying stuck in what wasn't, I could choose to look for the good. That coworker turned and very cheerfully wished me a happy birthday. Although it couldn't come with the hug it would have in other years, she reminded me that there was still reason to celebrate.

I wasn't expecting blessings in my birthday in the midst of all the current reality. But, as the day went on, I realized that's exactly what God had in mind.

A favourite coffee delivered. Coworkers finding a way to surprise and celebrate together when we have to keep space between us. Lunch brought to me. Supper made. A favourite cake. Cards from those I love. Facebook messages and texts from friends.

Unexpected blessings in a day I could have easily missed it all. A reminder of where I need to focus. I went into the day seeing only what I had lost, what had been taken away from me.

But, I was reminded to look up. To see what God wanted to show me in the middle of challenge. To see the unexpected blessings God provides.

Can I challenge you to look up? Look for the unexpected blessings God wants to bring your way. Open your eyes to see what God has in store in your day.

I don't always do this well. I forgot this same thing today, and I'm sure I missed things because of it. But, as I write this, I'm challenged again to pay attention and see what God is up to in my day.

When You Realize You've Almost Missed It

We're halfway through Holy Week.

I was reminded of that on a video chat this morning. Even though I knew it and the dates marked on my calendar told me that is was Holy Week, something hadn't really connected about it for me this time.

Usually this is a week where I take time to intentionally reflect on all the happened in this week. To try to enter in to what Scripture says about this week. To thank Jesus for He did on my behalf.

And, yet, I realized today I hadn't even really considered it at all so far. Palm Sunday had come and gone, and Good Friday was approaching, and then Resurrection Sunday. Such important days on the Christian calendar to remember and celebrate.

But, this year doesn't feel much like other years. There's no plans for big crowds to gather on Sunday to celebrate. Big family gatherings aren't happening. Even the events our larger society associates with Easter, like community Easter egg hunts, have been cancelled.

As I drove home from work today (yes, I work for an organization that cannot just close, even at a time like this), a song came on my music player that I hadn't heard for a long time. As I listened to and then put on repeat and began to sing the song, I realized that even though Holy Week and Easter look so much different that the traditions I've become used to at this time of year, it doesn't change the significance of what we remember and celebrate.

That song and those minutes in my car became a worship time . . . and a reset for me. No matter what the circumstances are right now, this is when we intentionally remember and celebrate what our Savoir has done for us.

For me, Holy Week feels a bit short this year now. But, I'm still going to be intentional about the days left. No beating myself up for what I feel like I missed. Just taking the time I have left in this week to remember the sacrifice of my Savior and His victory over the grave.

As I close, I want to leave you with the song that spoke to me today. Blessed Redeemer by Casting Crowns. I love the chorus of this song:
Blessed Redeemer, precious Redeemer
Seems now I see Him on Calvary's tree
Wounded and bleeding, for sinners pleading
Blind and unheeding, dying for me

Community When we Can't Be in Each Other's Space

I've talked a lot about community and our need for it, about the loneliness of our society, about how things are different when you're single in the last year.

And, all of that is even more important in our current circumstances.

We need each other now - more than ever.

But, how we show up for one another looks very different right now. The method of our community has changed, but it hasn't removed our need for it.

If I'm honest, I've struggled with exactly what I'm writing about in these last few weeks. In many ways I've never felt my need for community more acutely, and struggled with how to find it.

These are strange times, hard times, difficult times . . . and I've heard or seen on social media from enough of us to know we're all struggling in some ways with this. Whether we're at home with family or living on our own, whether we're working or our work has stopped for a time, nothing feels like we're used to it feeling. And we need each other as we walk through this.

So, how do we show up for each other right now? How do we create community when we can't sit around the same tables as one another?

Churches have created some space for it, with services online and Bible studies and small groups through video conferencing. Providing opportunities to learn and worship and pray together.

But we need even more than that. We need to stay in touch with friends and talk about what's really going on.

And that means we have to change the way we do what we always do. If you're like me, you pick up your phone to text a friend more often than to actually phone them. And when you can see each other, that works. But, I'm learning right now to pick up my phone and use it to actually phone a friend. I need to hear the voices of other people right now.

It looks like having people you can reach out to in the moments you're struggling to just let someone know and not feel so alone. And being that person for people too. Sometimes we might only be able to send a text in those times, and that's OK too. The important thing is that we don't keep quiet and hide when we're struggling. We need to have people we can tell, and people who can tell us the same thing for themselves.

I also had a friend teach me yesterday through her actions what it looks like to show up for each other when we can't go for coffee. Knowing I was struggling, she decided to do what she could. I heard a knock at my door, but when I opened it, no one was there, just a bag with a card. Letting me know she cared and was praying. A small act that did more than I could ever describe in words for how I was feeling.

It also looks like standing in the back parking lot at work, 2 meters apart from one another, with coworkers, checking in how we're doing with this all and with all the changes it has brought in our workplace. Stopping in the midst of all we still need to do and listening to one another for a few minutes. Acknowledging the way it feels and letting each other know we're not alone even when things look a lot different than we're used to.

So, can I encourage you in this time: look for ways to reach out and connect with people - family, friends, neighbours. We need each other more than ever. And we have to get creative in how we show up for each other, but we have to keep showing up for each others.

Changing Perspective

How are you praising God these days?

Are you holding onto the promises of God's presence and peace?

What are you grateful for today?

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
                                                                               (Phillippians 4:4-7)

These verses have spoken to me often. I've turned to them in many situations where things didn't seem to be going as planned.

When I opened my Bible to read this afternoon, this was the passage that was next. I struggled with the first couple sentences today. If I'm honest, I don't really feel much like rejoicing in anything these days.

But, as I stopped and sat with these familiar verses for a while, I was challenged and encouraged by what God was speaking to me through them. And, while all of what I'm about to say might be familiar to us. I think it's important to remind ourselves of it right now.

Paul isn't talking about rejoicing because our circumstances make sense or things are good. Paul is talking about rejoicing in the Lord. We can rejoice in the Lord because He is God and He is good and He is faithful and He is unchanging. Sometimes, this is a choice. We may not feel like rejoicing in anything, but we choose to praise God for Who He is regardless of our circumstances.

There are promises we can hold onto in this passage:
1) The Lord is near. He has not left us or forgotten us. We can be sure that He is walking through everything that's going on with us.
2) We can have the peace of God to guard our hearts and minds. This isn't a peace based on circumstances, because our circumstances may not be peaceful yet we can still have peace. It's a peace because God is with us. He gives us His peace, which goes beyond anything we can understand in our humanness.

Even though I know these promises are true, I wondered how we can find the peace to replace our anxieties and fears. I wondered how we can live in the reality of these promises instead of the fear and anxiety that comes so easily right now.

In the middle of these verses, we're told we can take everything to God in prayer. He can take it all. But, I think there's two important words in the middle of the instruction to take everything that makes us anxious and afraid to God. Two words that will help us to change our perspective.

What are they?

With Thanksgiving

This changes our perspective. In the midst of fear and anxiety, when we choose to look for things we can be thankful for it changes so much for us. It shifts our focus from all that is wrong, all we're fearful and anxious about, to the good things in the midst of it all.

I was challenged today to be more intentional about things to be grateful for each day. To take the time every day to write down at least three things I'm thankful for from that day.

As I did that today, it didn't remove the current reality. Nothing has changed in our world. But, what I was seeing changed and I was moved to worship, because the God we serve is good and faithful and constant and loving.

Maybe you're struggling with all that's going on too. Can I challenge you? Take a few minutes at the end of the day and write down three things you're thankful for from the day. Look for the good in the midst of the fear and uncertainty of the world.

What do we do When Life Feels like it's Spinning Out of Control

Until just a few minutes ago, I had decided that I was just going to skip posting this week. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. And I wasn't even sure I could put anything into coherent thought.

(Actaully, I'm still not sure that will happen well with this post.)

I've been thinking a lot about how we get through it when the whole world seems to be spinning out of control. What do we do? How do we get through it?

If I'm honest, the events of the few weeks have sent my anxiety higher than it's been in a long time. Most days I feel like I'm just barely hanging on and all I want to do is hide from all of it. But, I still have to deal with the reality of what's going on and hiding is impossible.

So, what do we do when we find ourselves in these situations? 

I'm not talking about caring about practical physical needs. I think what's out there has covered that pretty well. I'm talking about how we get through it emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

It's easy to quote Scripture about trusting God, or about God being in control, or any number of things. And they're absolutely true. But, these days, they can ring a bit hollow when you're feeling like you're barely hanging on and anxiety is high. We have to choose to hold onto those truths, but we can't stop there.

This is where I'm glad that we can be completely honest with God about how we're feeling. He can handle. He wants us to bring it to Him. Sometimes just acknowledging it is helpful to being able to handle it.

But, the truth is that we also need each other. This may be a more difficult in times like this, but it doesn't change the fact that we need each other. While the how of this may look different, we can't neglect this.

And, if I'm honest, this is the part I haven't done well. I've turned to Scripture and to prayer in these last few weeks, but when I've been with people I've fought hard to keep it together and not let them see I'm struggling. And I know that hasn't helped things.

So, something I'm learning (again) and maybe can encourage you with: Keep taking it to God and turning to Scripture for truth. And find ways to keep connecting with others - it might not be the same face-to-face ways we usually use, but keep connecting somehow. We can't try to do it on our own. We need each other.

Sometimes it's Just not Funny . . .

. . . even if you meant it as a joke and I laughed in that moment.

I know you meant it as a joke, so I laughed a bit to cover what was really going on inside.

It wasn't the time or place to explain it. Maybe we were in a busy place. Maybe it was too loud for that kind of conversation. Maybe I didn't feel like I knew you well enough to speak up.

And, I honestly wasn't even sure I would be able to explain it then. In the midst of things, I lose my words and my ability to explain clearly, especially when I'm struggling with something.

What am I talking about?

A simple conversation I've had more times than I can count - in coffee shops and church foyers, in small groups and large groups, in planning meetings and in more casual settings.

When I say something about remembering to include those who are single and the response is something about making the inclusion about next time being ready for the part about marriage. When the way to include singles is suggested to be something about getting ready for or moving toward marriage.

I can see in your face and hear in your voice that you really do mean for this to be a joke. You want to have fun. So I'll often laugh along.

But, what you probably won't see is the hurt inside me. The way I'm struggling, once again, with feeling like I don't really belong The way I feel less than as woman at that moment.

And you won't see it because I'm terrified to let it show. I know many would say that I should let it show - that hiding doesn't help. I agree that hiding doesn't help, but, in that moment, being single has become a source of shame for me, and there's not way I'm going to let you know that.

Sometimes, it's just not funny, even if I laughed.

Actually, a more accurate way to say it: It's just not funny, even if I laughed. There's really no sometimes about it.

A valid concern I expressed about including everyone who might be there has been turned into a joke and then moved on from.

Let me be clear: I don't think it's intentional. I believe that most times when this happens, causing anyone hurt is absolutely the last thing the person who said it intends.

But good intentions don't change reality. They don't remove the pain.

I get it. When I've had the opportunity to pursue the topic later with someone, they've told me that because it's so far outside their own experience and experience of those closest to them, they don't know how to respond and feel awkward. And one of the ways we deal with things that make us awkward is to try to make it into a joke.

But, if making sure singles are included in things and talking about it makes us feel awkward, then we have a big problem. And it's not going to be fixed by making jokes about it.

The truth is, I feel awkward about having to say something about making sure singles are included too. In doing so, I'm likely making it clear to everyone in earshot that I'm the single person in the conversation and that's not always easy.

For some reason, the church today has lost sight of the singles in their midst. In each individual church, it looks different. And some do better than others at not forgetting about the singles in their midst. But as a whole we're missing it here - at least the North American evangelical church as a whole is. I wrote quite a bit about this topic in spring of 2019 ( here are a couple of posts on the topic what Scripture says about singleness - Part 1 & Part 2, why we need to talk about singleness, and is singleness a gift, along with many more you can find on my blog).

So, we're in the awkward moment, where I've said something and you're feeling the need to make a joke to cover up the awkwardness. What should you do instead?

Acknowledge the reality. Say you feel awkward. Ask questions about how to include all. If I included a suggestion, look for ways we can build on that together.

But, whatever you do, please don't turn it into a joke. I'll laugh in the moment, but not because I think it's funny. I'll laugh to hide what's really go on inside. To try to cover the shame I'm feeling because it feels like I don't belong. Like being single in the church is seen as less than or as just waiting and preparing for marriage.

The Post I've Avoided Writing a Few Times...

I've wrestled with writing this post.

I've started and deleted it many times since spring.

But I keep coming back to this topic, feeling like I need to write this.

For whatever reason I feel a bit hesitant to address this as I talk about friendship. And it's because I'm concerned about being misunderstood with this one. The fear or being misunderstood has kept me silent on this for too long.

The more I think about where I'm going with this post, the more I'm seeing that this is something that affects me as a single person (and my guess is other singles as well, though I haven't asked anyone) a little more than those who are married. Although I can't say for sure. But, I do see how some of the complexities at play here can have a disproportionate impact on me.

For those of you still reading this, I'm sure you wish I'd just get to my point. That I'd just say it finally. I have just one request before I do: Please read all of what comes next before you respond. I hope I will address many questions or objections you might have before I finish.

With that out of the way, here it goes . . .




Our friendships and community have to include those with the opposite sex. As a woman, I need there to be men in the circles of people around me. Obviously there are things about a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that are different and should always be. But, these are still needed.




Sometimes the perspective of someone God designed to see and think differently is needed. When God created us, He didn't make us all the same and we need each other's perspectives. We need space for that to happen and without some level of friendship, it can't happen.

This is why I sometimes wonder if my experience as a single person is different, at least sometimes. When a couple is friends with another couple there seems to be allowance for conversation to happen where those differing opinions are shared and encouraged.

Unforunately for me, I have experienced far more times when the conversation changes or evens stops because a friend's husband was around - leaving me feeling like because I'm single there can't be any kind of a conversation around him. Now, there are obviously some topics I wouldn't discuss in that situation. But on others, their thoughts and perspectives could be valuable for me. This isn't my experience currently, for which I'm very grateful, but it definitely has been in the past.

I think part of our problem here comes from the sexualized culture we live in. Before you think I'm talking about society outside the church, let me just be clear that I'm not. While it may look different, we have a sexualized culture in the church as well. Often a restrictive "follow the rules" one, rather than our culture's permissive "whatever feels good" one, but's there in our churches too.

I fear that what we've done, in the process, is create a group of people who are unable to understand or imagine what any level of friendship with the opposite sex looks like without it leading to sex. I like the way Gina Dalfonzo wrote it in her book One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church:

"It's not a bad thing to avoid the appearance of evil - the Bible instructs us to do so (1 Thess 5:22). But if a woman can't even stand next to a man in a room without breaking out in hives for fear that she's giving that appearance, something is off. It's all part and parcel of the hyperstrict, hyperlegalistic singles culture the church has created - the kind of culture that, I submit, is not what Christ had in mind for his followers."

The might seem like Dalfonzo is talking about extreme here, but it's more accurate than we would like to believe.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if some of this comes from the "purity culture" that was all around when I was growing up in church. Whether it was intended to or not, it made it seem as if it was impossible to have a friendship on any level with the opposite sex. And, in doing so, we've left a large group of single adults afraid of even having conversations with someone of the opposite sex - even when there's clearly nothing there. But, I think we're missing something we need with that.

So, the kind of friendship I'm talking about here is obviously not spending hours together alone talking. But, the kind where a conversation at a church event or in a small group setting is okay and not one worries about it. The kind where everything is in the open, but it is okay to talk.

Because, here's the thing, I'm lucky that I can go to my dad or my brother-in-law to get their perspective on something, but not every adult who is single has that. And they're family, so there's sometimes family stuff that gets in the way. I appreciate the other guys in my world I can have a conversation with - mostly the husbands of my good girl friends. And we all need that.

We Need Community

How do you define your community?

Who makes up your community?

Is it only your close friends? Or does it extend beyond that?

Are those in your community all just like you? Or is it more diverse?

Community is one of those words with multiple meanings. It can be used to speak of people in the same geographical area. Or it can be used to describe the group of people we walk through life with.

If you didn't figure it out from the questions I asked, I'm talking about the second use of it in this post.

As I've studied more on friendship, I've realized that community and our understanding of it is important. Community is related to friendship, but I see them as two different, yet overlapping, things.

Friendship often arises out of a common interest or life stage or other thing that draws us to get to know each other and invest time and energy to spend time together. While there are times when we choose when it doesn't seem natural, for most of my friendships, there has still be something that makes both people want to pursue the friendship.

Community is a little broader. Of course, it still includes our friends, but it's a bigger group too. One where we know each other and walk through life together, but we might not always have quite the same level of personal investment. There is a difference between the friend we call and share the details of our struggle with and cry with, and the people around us who know we're facing something and will pray for us but don't know the details of it.. That's the kind of difference I'm trying to explain here.

I read something in a book that really challenged me on this topic:

"Community is only as rich and deep as it is diverse. When we limit ourselves to a whole bunch of people who are exactly like us, we're limiting the refining power of community to not only meet needs but to sanctify." (Joy Beth Smith, Party of One)

Our circle of friends will likely be made of people we choose to be around. But, if we look at our community, it may include some people who we need in our lives, and who may be very different from us in some ways, yet God uses them in our lives.

I could give lots of examples of what things with my friends look like. The conversations over coffee. The games that regularly get paused for deep conversations and prayer when something comes up. The people I text when my anxiety is rising and I can't explain it in the moments, but I know I can text and they'll pray. The people where we look at the time and realize it's way later than we thought - that we completely lost track of the time.

But, I can also point to examples of what community looks like. The most obvious being church - a room full of people choosing to do life together in some way, although we don't know each other deeply. Many of my other examples occur within church. The weekly women's Bible study I'm part of - we all come from different places and backgrounds, but we choose to spend a couple hours a week together to study Scriptures and pray.

Coworkers would be another example. We know each other to varying degrees and walk with each other through much lives. We share day-to-day life, but we may not always talk deeply about things.

So, let me leave you with the questions I opened this post with:

How do you define your community?

Who makes up your community?

Is it only your close friends? Or does it extend beyond that?

Are those in your community all just like you? Or is it more diverse?

I Don't Want to be Pitied

As I write this, it's less than a week until a day on the calendar that brings mixed feelings. By the time I share this post with those of you reading it, it will be only a few days away.

February 14. Valentine's Day.

Sometimes it feels like just another day. No different than any other day. It doesn't seem like there's anything special. I don't even notice the day.

Other times, it's the day I most want to avoid on the calendar. It seems like it's little more than a day to point out that I'm single - that on the day where couples and love are celebrated, I have neither.

But my mixed feelings about it, don't really matter. It happens anyways. And for this week, I'll see red and pink and hearts and flowers everywhere.

Over the years Valentine's Day has caused some interesting interactions with cashiers, servers, acquaintances - especially when they find out I'm single.

There's one part of those interactions that has always bothered me and left me wondering why. It seems like more often than not, one of the first reactions has been pity. Pity that I'm single on this day. Pity that I don't fall into the expected of that day, by having someone to spend it with.

Things happen like they did a few years ago. It was a year where I completely forgot about Valentine's Day. All I knew was that I didn't want to cook that night, so I headed to a favourite restaurant . . . alone. It took only a few minutes after walking in to realize what day it was, but by then it was too late and I was seated at a table. I was probably the only person in that section of the restaurant by myself. While you could say I had really good service that night, what it kind of felt like was pity. Like the server I had felt sorry for me that I was alone that night.

Here's the thing, I don't want to be pitied for being single on Valentine's Day. If I was honest, I'd rather be with someone - not just on that day but everyday. But, just because I'm single, doesn't mean I need pity.

I'm choosing to live my life the fullest I can with the circumstances I currently have. Whatever the reality is each day, I will live the life God gives me to live. And, rather than your pity, what I'd prefer is friendship - real relationship.

The Most Important Part of Friendship

"I don't have time to get involved in that group."
"I'm too busy to spend time with others."
"I would have people over, but my house isn't good/spacious/nice/etc enough for that."

How many times have you said things like this? Or something similar to them?

Maybe you stopped with just saying you didn't have time or if you were too busy, but how would you have finished those statements if you actually completed the thought?

I've said all of those things at different times.

But, guess what?

All of them are just excuses not to try.

Maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but I think it's true. When we really want to do something, we make time. We also make time when it's something we really need to do.

So, the same thing is true about making time for friendship, for community. It we really understood our need for it, we would make the time. If we really desire it, we will make the time.

I think part of our problem, is that we think it needs to complicated.

But, the truth is, it's simple.

All it takes is time.

It doesn't have to be complicated or fancy. And it doesn't have to have a cost.

The only requirement is time.

The best times I've had with friends have been the simplest.

In his book 7 Myths About Singleness Sam Allberry, talks about the simplicity of it this way:

"We must never underestimate what can be achieved for the kingdom of God around the kitchen table. It is a place God loves to use."

Some of the best times I've had with my friends have happened sitting around the table. The food on the table didn't matter, because that wasn't the important part. Sometimes the game that was on the table didn't matter, because that wasn't the important part either.

The important part was that we were together. We were taking time to be together, to build friendship with each other.

Why we Need Friends

"There's a closeness, an intimacy, to friendship, without which we become vulnerable to ruin."
(Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness)

I've spent the last couple weeks looking at what Scripture says about friendship (here and here). I believe that's the place we need to start everything from. And I hope you've begun to see the importance of friendship, or community, that is found in Scripture.

I purposely left my previous posts on this topic mostly just Scripture with little interpretation or explanation. That's what I want to talk about now.

What does friendship look like for us?

How does the importance of it play out in our everyday life?

Our culture tells us we can do it ourselves, that we don't need anyone else. But, a look at the lives of so many, both inside and outside the church , tells a different story. Trying to do it alone doesn't work long term. Even if it appears successful in the short term - almost all the time it ends poorly.

As Sam Allberry wrote in the quote I shared at the start of this post:

"There's a closeness, an intimacy, to friendship, without which we become vulnerable to ruin."
(7 Myths About Singleness)

We need people who we allow to get close. We need people who have our backs when attacks come. We need people to celebrate with us, to mourn with us. We need people who can and will warn us when we're getting off track and who will help us get things right again. Without this, we easily find ourselves in trouble.

Even as I write this, I'm challenged about how I've been living and my own friendships. With a significant change in circumstances in some key areas of my life this fall, I pulled back from most of my friendships - some partially, some completely. I started trying to go it alone again. And it seemed like it was working for a while.

But, as the new year approached, I realized it actually wasn't going well at all. I was walking through some hard stuff by myself and it was quickly becoming overwhelming. I saw how easy it would be to head down a path to ruin, to trouble. In fact, I was already taking steps down that path.

Thankfully, when I choose to reach out to friends again, they were still there. But, through this, I was reminded of why we need friends. How important it is that we have people we're walking through life with. And of how vulnerable we are when we try to go it alone.

So, who is in your circle? Who are the people you're walking with?

Or, have you started trying to walk through life alone? What steps can you take to correct this?

Biblical Examples of Friendship

Are there examples in Scripture that reflect what friendships should look like?

Is there more than just a list of things friends should be and do in Scripture?

The answer to those questions is YES.

In Scripture, we're provided with models of what this looks like. Last week, I gave a list of references of directives of what friends are like. Today I want to take a look at some biblical examples of friendship.

One of the more talked about examples of friendship in the Bible is where I want to start.

David and Jonathan would have been an unlikely pairing for a friendship. Jonathan was the one who should have been the next king after his father Saul. David was the one who had been anointed as the next king instead. But, friends they were.

We first see mention of their friendship in 1 Samuel 18:1-4. Jonathan and David became close friends after David came to stay and serve Saul at the palace.

We see a further example of their friendship in 1 Samuel 20. Things were becoming dangerous for David to remain in Saul's household. Jonathan, who at first didn't believe it, confirmed that David's life was in danger and helped David to get away safely.

In 2 Samuel 9, we see further evidence of the friendship of Jonathan and David. David is established as king and tradition would have been to make sure all descendants of Saul were killed so none could try to lay claim to the throne. David discovers one of Jonathan's sons is still alive, but rather than have him killed, David takes him into his home and treats him as family in honour of his friend.

David and Jonathan loved each other deeply and went out of their way to help and support each other. Even when it came at a personal cost. This wasn't a friendship just because it was easy. The held on through hard things too.

The book of Ruth is another example of friendship in action. After the deaths of their husbands, there was no reason for Naomi and Ruth to continue life together. What had tied them together was gone. But, Ruth chose to stay with Naomi (see Ruth 1:16-18). She chose to give up all that was familiar to her to with Naomi because she cared about Naomi.

Friends do make choices to give things up to go with another into something. Ruth chose this and set an example of being willing to sacrifice ourselves for friends.

The final example I've chosen from Scripture is Jesus and His disciples - specifically Peter, James, and John. Jesus chose these three to be a part of an inner circle of really close friends He spent time with them. He invited them into things where others weren't (see Luke 9:28-36). Even in His time of greatest struggle in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus invited these three in deeper (see Matthew 26:37-38). Jesus didn't do it alone.

In all of these examples, these friends showed up for each other and invested time into the friendship. We have these examples of what friendship in action looks like.

There are other examples of friendship in Scripture, but these are the ones that really stuck with me. Friendship doesn't come without a cost, but it's a beautiful cost. We weren't made to do this life alone. We need each other.

Over the next few weeks, I will continue to explore this topic. I'll be pulling in some of the reading I've done around the topic and talking a bit more about some practical examples.